The preparation for the departure began at once. The next day my
mistress took me to the home herself, commended me to the special care
of the directress, and I lived once more in the room containing the
eight beds. I knew none of the girls and was not at all eager to know
them. However, when I entered the dining-room in the evening I had a
surprise. Somebody called my name. I was much astonished, and asked
myself which of the girls could know me. The one who had called my name
was sitting at the table beckoning to me with both of her hands.
"Do come," she said vivaciously.
I did not remember that I had ever seen her, and believed already that
she was mistaking me for somebody else, when suddenly it came into my
mind who she was. She was the girl who had slept next to me during my
first stay at the home--the girl with the large, bright eyes and the
auburn hair. I was now glad after all that somebody knew and greeted me.
"Are you looking out for a situation?" I asked her during supper.
"No," she replied, "I am living here"; and then she told me that she
was a correspondent for German. I listened and shook my head.
"I cannot understand how you can put up with it--to stay here for good."
"Why?" she asked.
"Well, on account of the sleeping."
"I am used to it."
"I could never get used to that."
"In this world," she replied, "one has to put up with lots of things."
And while she said that, her face grew very sad. When the bell rang for
prayers we stood together, and when the hymn was sung I listened to
the soft melancholy note that trembled in the girl's voice. The next
morning I decided to go to the British Museum, since they all told me
"everyone ought to see that."
It was only a few minutes' walk from the home, so I did not have to
make many inquiries about the way. When I arrived at the entrance I was
charmed with the countless pigeons, which seemed to be quite tame and
fearless, even taking food out of the people's hands. I should have
loved to remain there and watch the sweet, graceful birds, but there
was something within that reproached me for my indifference towards
the treasures of the British Museum itself. In order to quiet that
something, I at last mounted the steps leading to the different rooms.
I am sorry to say that my knowledge is far too small to appreciate
the treasures accumulated in these rooms. I remember innumerable
things, black from age, lying behind glass cases; their meaning and
value, however, I did not understand. When I entered the room with
the Egyptian mummies I felt the same reverence that I felt as a child
on entering a church, and I only dared to walk about on tip-toe. That
respect passed, however, the longer I gazed at the dark, lean faces,
and finally they seemed to me to be no more than large babies put in
swaddling clothes. There in front of me, a glass case held the last
remains of a King--a hand adorned with yellow rings. Once upon a
time that same hand had moved imperiously, and a thousand slaves had
trembled at the sign. "Where is thy country to-day--where thy army,
and where art thou thyself, oh mighty King? And what, oh tell me,
became of all thy agonies, and what became of all thy joys?" Thus I
questioned the dark hand with its yellow rings, and the reply I found
was a conviction new to me. That there does not exist a real self--that
God has not finished His creation yet--that we are the means towards an
object, but not the object itself.
After much wandering to and fro, I arrived at a room that also
contained glass cases, to which large and small pieces of brown paper
were carefully pinned. At first I looked at them with wondering
curiosity, but next minute I was overcome with awe. The brown pieces of
paper were papyrus, which I had often heard of, but never seen. There
were several of them, but I returned again and again to the one above
which stood the following inscription: "Papyrus with five verses of an
ode by Sappho to her brother Charaxus."
I could not turn my eyes away from it, and thus it happened that I
went to the British Museum every day for the three weeks, in order to
see the pigeons and the papyrus. I had an idea in my head of stealing
the papyrus, but failed to accomplish that noble purpose owing to
two policemen who were stationed close by, and who began to watch me
suspiciously. Although the papyrus has, as I can see, not yet lost its
old attraction, I must not forget to mention my visit to the famous
"Tower." There, however, I did not care very much for the splendid
armour which decorated the walls, nor for the large diamond in the
jewel-room, round which the public crowded. I left rather quickly
the narrow corridors, together with the gloomy rooms, and sat down
on a bench in the court-yard, contemplating with melancholy feelings
the bright brass plate in front of me, which stated that two young
beautiful queens had been beheaded on that spot. The sunburnt leaves of
autumn danced over it to-day.
I returned to the home rather late from such excursions, expected most
impatiently by the girl who had attached herself to me more and more
closely. By-and-by a friendship sprang up between us, the cause of
which I could never explain. I think it was her eyes, which at times
looked so strangely sad, that had attracted me, and although she had
never confided in me, I felt sure that she was troubled by some secret
sorrow. One day when we sat together and chatted, a letter from my
friend was handed to me. I had been expecting it for a long while, and
was very pleased with it. He wrote that he worked until midnight every
day, and begged me to forgive his silence. He would write more fully as
soon as he could spare time. My friend noticed how happy the few lines
had made me, and smilingly she asked me whether that letter was from
someone for whom I cared very much, and was that someone perhaps a man?
I hesitated a little, and then told her about him. While I did so, she
grew more and more sad, and at last she cried.
"I wish," she said, "I had known you before I went to Paris."
At that I felt much consternation, and could not understand her.
"Why," I asked at last, "did you have so little companionship there?"
"No, no," she said, springing to her feet, "too much--far too much."
Before I had understood what she meant, the door opened and some of the
girls entered. We therefore began to talk about indifferent matters,
but I could see that my friend was not at her ease. Her cheeks were
very pale, and her smile affected. A few days later I received a note
from my mistress telling me that she was coming back in a week's time,
and that she wanted me to leave the home. This was very bad news for my
friend; she kept with me constantly, and declared that she would not
know what to do when I had gone. On the day before my departure she was
again strangely moved, and often began sentences without finishing
them.
"Is there anything that troubles you?" I asked her.
"Yes."
"Then will you not tell me?" I said, caressing her hand.
"Yes," she replied, in a voice more agonized than any I had ever heard.
Then she closed her large, bright eyes, and, as if afraid to hear her
own words, she told me in a whisper something that was very sad.
After she had finished we both cried.
"Is the child a girl or a boy?" I asked at last.
"A girl," she replied tonelessly.
"And is it living?"
"I don't know."
I jumped from my bed and looked at her incredulously.
"How is that possible? Don't you know whether your child is living or
not?"
She stared at me with a stupid, helpless look, and my pity was aroused.
"Tell me everything," I pleaded softly: "perhaps it will take a load
from your heart."
After that she told me everything. How the man had neglected and
abandoned her, how she had faced hunger for nine months to keep her
baby with her, how she had fallen ill at last, and was compelled to
separate from the child in order to save it from starvation. While she
told me all this, her tears flowed incessantly, and I stroked her hands.
"To whom did you give your baby?" I asked in a low voice.
She closed her eyes again as if recollecting something, and said:
"In Paris there is a place where one may leave a child without being
obliged to tell one's name."
"And there?..."
She nodded, and leant wearily on the bed.
"But you must have been mad--now you can't recognize your child again."
"Oh yes," she replied, shaking her head violently, "I can recognize it
again; each of the children receives a ring of thin metal round its
wrists, and on the ring there is a number."
I was silent, and we went down because the bell had rung for supper. We
both ate very little, and when the hymn was sung later, I heard nothing
but the soft, melancholy note that trembled in the girl's voice. During
the whole evening we said no more about the matter. I busied myself
with packing up, and went to bed very late. For a long while, however,
I could not go to sleep. Several times I sat up in my bed and glanced
at my friend. She was lying quite still, and I believe she was asleep.
At last my eyes closed too, and half awake and half asleep, I imagined
that I saw a little girl who played in a dingy yard; she had the same
large, bright eyes, and the same mass of auburn hair as my friend, only
round its wrist there shone a small ring of metal, and on the ring a
number was hanging.