animal had expressed, by signs or otherwise, any wishes regarding the
disposal of his little property.
“Mr. Blunderum replied, that, when the biographer took up the pack of
cards at the conclusion of the performance, the animal grunted
several times in a significant manner, and nodding his head as he was
accustomed to do, when gratified. From these gestures it was
understood that he wished the attendant to keep the cards, which he
had ever since done. He had not expressed any wish relative to his
watch, which had accordingly been pawned by the same individual.
“The President wished to know whether any Member of the section had
everseen or conversed with the pig-faced lady, who was reported to
have worn a black velvet mask, and to have taken her meals from a
golden trough.
“After some hesitation a Member replied that the pig-faced lady was
his mother-in-law, and that he trusted the President would not
violate the sanctity of private life.
“The President begged pardon. He had considered the pig-faced lady a
public character. Would the honourable member object to state, with a
view to the advancement of science, whether she was in any way
connected with the learned pig?
“The Member replied in the same low tone, that, as the question
appeared to involve a suspicion that the learned pig might be his
half-brother, he must decline answering it.
“Section B.—Anatomy and Medicine.
Coach-House, Pig and Tinder-Box.
President—Dr. Toorell.
Vice-Presidents—Professors Muff and Nogo.
“Dr. Kutankumagen (of Moscow) read to the section a report of a case
which had occurred within his own practice, strikingly illustrative
of the power of medicine, as exemplified in his successful treatment
of a virulent disorder. He had been called in to visit the patient on
the 1st of April 1837. He was then labouring under symptoms
peculiarly alarming to any medical man. His frame was stout and
muscular, his step firm and elastic, his cheeks plump and red, his
voice loud, his appetite good, his pulse full and round. He was in
the constant habit of eating three meals per diem, and of drinking
at least one bottle of wine, and one glass of spirituous liquors
diluted with water, in the course of the four-and-twenty hours. He
laughed constantly, and in so hearty a manner that it was terrible to
hear him. By dint of powerful medicine, low diet, and bleeding, the
symptoms in the course of three days perceptibly decreased. A rigid
perseverance in the same course of treatment for only one week,
accompanied with small doses of water-gruel, weak broth, and
barley-water, led to their entire disappearance. In the course of a
month he was sufficiently recovered to be carried down stairs by two
nurses, and to enjoy an airing in a close carriage, supported by soft
pillows. At the present moment he was restored so far as to walk
about, with the slight assistance of a crutch and a boy. It would
perhaps be gratifying to the section to learn that he ate little,
drank little, slept little, and was never heard to laugh by any
accident whatever.
“Dr. W. R. Fee, in complimenting the honourable member upon the
triumphant cure he had effected, begged to ask whether the patient
still bled freely?
“Dr. Kutankumagen replied in the affirmative.
“Dr. W. R. Fee.—And you found that he bled freely during the whole
course of the disorder?
“Dr. Kutankumagen.—Oh dear, yes; most freely.
“Dr. Neeshawts supposed, that if the patient had not submitted to be
bled with great readiness and perseverance, so extraordinary a cure
could never, in fact, have been accomplished. Dr. Kutankumagen
rejoined, certainly not.
“Mr. Knight Bell (M.R.C.S.) exhibited a wax preparation of the
interior of a gentleman who in early life had inadvertently swallowed
a door-key. It was a curious fact that a medical student of
dissipated habits, being present at the post mortem examination,
found means to escape unobserved from the room, with that portion of
the coats of the stomach upon which an exact model of the instrument
was distinctly impressed, with which he hastened to a locksmith of
doubtful character, who made a new key from the pattern so shown to
him. With this key the medical student entered the house of the
deceased gentleman, and committed a burglary to a large amount, for
which he was subsequently tried and executed.
“The President wished to know what became of the original key after
the lapse of years. Mr. Knight Bell replied that the gentleman was
always much accustomed to punch, and it was supposed the acid had
gradually devoured it.
“Dr. Neeshawts and several of the members were of opinion that the
key must have lain very cold and heavy upon the gentleman’s stomach.
“Mr. Knight Bell believed it did at first. It was worthy of remark,
perhaps, that for some years the gentleman was troubled with a
night-mare, under the influence of which he always imagined himself a
wine cellar door.
“Professor Muff related a very extraordinary and convincing proof of
the wonderful efficacy of the system of infinitesimal doses, which
the section were doubtless aware was based upon the theory that the
very minutest amount of any given drug, properly dispersed through
the human frame, would be productive of precisely the same result as
a very large dose administered in the usual manner. Thus, the
fortieth part of a grain of calomel was supposed to be equal to a
five-grain calomel pill, and so on in proportion throughout the whole
range of medicine. He had tried the experiment in a curious manner
upon a publican who had been brought into the hospital with a broken
head, and was cured upon the infinitesimal system in the incredibly
short space of three months. This man was a hard drinker. He
(Professor Muff) had dispersed three drops of rum through a bucket of
water, and requested the man to drink the whole. What was the result?
Before he had drunk a quart, he was in a state of beastly
intoxication; and five other men were made dead drunk with the
remainder.
“The President wished to know whether an infinitesimal dose of
soda-water would have recovered them? Professor Muff replied that the
twenty-fifth part of a teaspoonful, properly administered to each
patient, would have sobered him immediately. The President remarked
that this was a most important discovery, and he hoped the Lord Mayor
and Court of Aldermen would patronize it immediately.
“A Member begged to be informed whether it would be possible to
administer—say, the twentieth part of a grain of bread and cheese to
all grown-up paupers, and the fortieth part to children, with the
same satisfying effect as their present allowance.
“Professor Muff was willing to stake his professional reputation on
the perfect adequacy of such a quantity of food to the support of
human life—in workhouses; the addition of the fifteenth part of a
grain of pudding twice a week would render it a high diet.
“Professor Nogo called the attention of the section to a very
extraordinary case of animal magnetism. A private watchman, being
merely looked at by the operator from the opposite side of a wide
street, was at once observed to be in a very drowsy and languid
state. He was followed to his box, and being once slightly rubbed on
the palms of the hands, fell into a sound sleep, in which he
continued without intermission for ten hours.
“Section C.—Statistics.
Hay-Loft, Original Pig.
President—Mr. Woodensconce.
Vice-Presidents—Mr. Ledbrain and Mr. Timbered.
“Mr. Slug stated to the section the result of some calculations he
had made with great difficulty and labour, regarding the state of
infant education among the middle classes of London. He found that,
within a circle of three miles from the Elephant and Castle, the
following were the names and numbers of children’s books principally
in circulation:
“Jack the Giant-killer—7,943
Ditto and Bean-stalk—8,621
Ditto and Eleven Brothers—2,845
Ditto and Jill—1,998
Total—21,407
“He found that the proportion of Robinson Crusoes to Philip Quarlls
was at four and a half to one; and that the preponderance of
Valentine and Orsons over Goody Two Shoes was as three and an eight
of the former to half a one of the latter; a comparison of Seven
Champions with Simple Simons gave the same result. The ignorance that
prevailed was lamentable. One child, on being asked whether he would
rather be saint George of England or a respectable tallow-chandler,
instantly replied, ‘Taint George of Ingling.’ Another, a little boy
of eight years old, was found to be firmly impressed with a belief in
the existence of dragons, and openly stated that it was his intention
when he grew up, to rush forth sword in hand for the deliverance of
captive princesses, and the promiscuous slaughter of giants. Not one
child among had ever heard of Mungo Park,—some inquiring whether he
was at all connected with the black man that swept the crossing; and
others whether he was in any way related to the Regent’s Park. They
had not the slightest conception of the commonest principles of
mathematics, and considered Sinbad the Sailor the most enterprising
voyager that the world had ever produced.
“A Member strongly deprecating the use of all the other books
mentioned, suggested that Jack and Jill might perhaps be exempted
from the general censure, in as much as the hero and heroine, in the
very outset of the tale, were depicted as going up a hill to fetch a
pail of water, which was a laborious and useful occupation,—supposing
the family linen was being washed, for instance.
“Mr. Slug feared that the moral effect of this passage was more than
counterbalanced by another in a subsequent part of the poem, in which
very gross allusion was made to the mode in which the heroine was
personally chastised by her mother “For laughing at Jack’s disaster”
besides, the whole work had this one great fault, it was not true.
“The President complimented the honourable member on the excellent
distinction he had drawn. Several other Members, too, dwelt upon the
immense and urgent necessity of storing the minds of children with
nothing but facts and figures; which process the President very
forcibly remarked, had made them (the section) the men they were.
“Mr. Slug then stated some curious calculations respecting the
dogs’-meat barrows of London. He found that the total number of small
carts and barrows engaged in dispensing provision to the cats and
dogs of the metropolis was one thousand seven hundred and
forty-three. The average number of skewers delivered daily with the
provender, by each dogs’-meat cart or barrow, was thirty-six. Now,
multiplying the number of skewers so delivered by the number of
barrows, a total of sixty-two thousand seven hundred and forty-eight
skewers daily would be obtained. Allowing that, of these sixty two
thousand seven hundred and forty-eight skewers, the odd two thousand
seven hundred and forty-eight were accidentally devoured with the
meat, by the most voracious of the animals supplied, it followed that
sixty thousand skewers per day, or the enormous number of twenty-one
millions nine hundred thousand skewers annually, were wasted in the
kennels and dustholes of London; which, if collected and warehoused,
would in ten years’ time afford a mass of timber more than sufficient
for the construction of a first-rate vessel of war for the use of her
Majesty’s navy, to be called ‘The Royal Skewer’ and to become under
that name the terror of all the enemies of this island.
“Mr. X. Ledbrain read a very ingenious communication, from which it
appeared that the total number of legs belonging to the manufacturing
population of one great town in Yorkshire was, in round numbers,
forty thousand, while the total number of chair and stool legs in
their houses was only thirty thousand, which, upon the very
favourable average of three legs to a seat, yielded only ten thousand
seats in all. From this calculation it would appear,—not taking
wooden or cork legs into the account, but allowing two legs to every
person,—that ten thousand individuals (one-half of the whole
population) were either destitute of any rest for their legs at all,
or passed the whole of their leisure time in sitting upon boxes.
“Section D.—Mechanical Science.
Coah-House, Original Pig.
President—Mr. Carter.
Vice-Presidents—Mr. Truck and Mr. Waghorn.
“Professor Queerspeck exhibited an elegant model of a portable
railway, neatly mounted in a green case, for the waistcoat pocket. By
attaching this beautiful instrument to his boots, any Bank or
public-office clerk could transport himself from his place of
residence to his place of business, at the easy rate of sixty-five
miles an hour, which, to gentlemen of sedentary pursuits, would be an
incalculable advantage.
“The President was desirous of knowing whether it was necessary to
have a level surface on which the gentleman was to run.
“Professor Queerspeck explained that City gentlemen would run in
trains, being handcuffed together to prevent confusion or
unpleasantness. For instance, trains would start every morning at
eight, nine, and ten o’clock, from Camden Town, Islington,
Camberwell, Hackney, and various other places in which City gentlemen
are accustomed to reside. It would be necessary to have a level, but
he had provided for this difficulty by proposing that the best line
that the circumstances would admit of, should be taken through the
sewers which undermine the streets of the metropolis, and which, well
lighted by jets from the gas pipes which run immediately above them,
would form a pleasant and commodious arcade, especially in
winter-time, when the inconvenient custom of carrying umbrellas, now
so general, could be wholly dispensed with. In reply to another
question, Professor Queerspeck stated that no substitute for the
purposes to which these arcades were at present devoted had yet
occurred to him, but that he hoped no fanciful objection on this head
would be allowed to interfere with so great an undertaking.
“Mr. Jobba produced a forcing-machine on a novel plan, for bringing
joint-stock railway shares prematurely to a premium. The instrument
was in the form of an elegant gilt weather-glass, of most dazzling
appearance, and was worked behind, by strings, after the manner of a
pantomime trick, the strings being always pulled by the directors of
the company to which the machine belonged. The quicksilver was so
ingeniously placed, that when the acting directors held shares in
their pockets, figures denoting very small expenses and very large
returns appeared upon the glass; but the moment the directors parted
with these pieces of paper, the estimate of needful expenditure
suddenly increased itself to an immense extent, while the statements
of certain profits became reduced in the same proportion. Mr. Jobba
stated that the machine had been in constant requisition for some
months past, and he had never once known it to fail.
“A Member expressed his opinion that it was extremely neat and
pretty. He wished to know whether it was not liable to accidental
derangement? Mr. Jobba said that the whole machine was undoubtedly
liable to be blown up, but that was the only objection to it.
“Professor Nogo arrived from the anatomical section to exhibit a
model of a safety fire-escape, which could be fixed at any time, in
less than half an hour, and by means of which, the youngest or most
infirm persons (successfully resisting the progress of the flames
until it was quite ready) could be preserved if they merely balanced
themselves for a few minutes on the sill of their bed-room window,
and got into the escape without falling into the street. The
Professor stated that the number of boys who had been rescued in the
daytime by this machine from houses which were not on fire, was
almost incredible. Not a conflagration had occurred in the whole of
London for many months past to which the escape had not been carried
on the very next day, and put in action before a concourse of persons.
“The President inquired whether there was not some difficulty in
ascertaining which was the top of the machine, and which the bottom,
in cases of pressing emergency.
“Professor Nogo explained that of course it could not be expected to
act quite as well when there was a fire, as when there was not a
fire; but in the former case he thought it would be of equal service
whether the top were up or down.”
With the last section our correspondent concludes his most able and
faithful Report, which will never cease to reflect credit upon him
for his scientific attainments, and upon us for our enterprising
spirit. It is needless to take a review of the subjects which have
been discussed; of the mode in which they have been examined; of the
great truths which they have elicited. They are now before the world,
and we leave them to read, to consider, and to profit.
The place of meeting for next year has undergone discussion, and has
at length been decided, regard being had to, and evidence being taken
upon, the goodness of its wines, the supply of its markets, the
hospitality of its inhabitants, and the quality of its hotels. We
hope at this next meeting our correspondent may again be present, and
that we may be once more the means of placing his communications
before the world. Until that period we have been prevailed upon to
allow this number of our Miscellany to be retailed to the public, or
wholesaled to the trade, without any advance upon our usual price.
We have only to add, that the committees are now broken up, and that
Mudfog is once again restored to its accustomed tranquillity,—that
Professors and Members have had balls, and soirées, and suppers, and
great mutual complimentations, and have at length dispersed to their
several homes,—whither all good wishes and joys attend them, until
next year! Signed Boz.
FULL REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE
ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING.
In October last, we did ourselves the immortal credit of recording,
at an enormous expense, and by dint of exertions unparalleled in the
history of periodical publication, the proceedings of the Mudfog
Association for the Advancement of Everything, which in that month
held its first great half-yearly meeting, to the wonder and delight
of the whole empire. We announced at the conclusion of that
extraordinary and most remarkable Report, that when the Second
Meeting of the Society should take place, we should be found again at
our post, renewing our gigantic and spirited endeavours, and once
more making the world ring with the accuracy, authenticity,
immeasurable superiority, and intense remarkability of our account of
its proceedings. In redemption of this pledge, we caused to be
despatched per steam to Oldcastle (at which place this second meeting
of the Society was held on the 20th instant), the same
superhumanly-endowed gentleman who furnished the former report, and
who,—gifted by nature with transcendent abilities, and furnished by
us with a body of assistants scarcely inferior to himself,—has
forwarded a series of letters, which, for faithfulness of
description, power of language, fervour of thought, happiness of
expression, and importance of subject-matter, have no equal in the
epistolary literature of any age or country. We give this gentleman’s
correspondence entire, and in the order in which it reached our
office.
“Saloon of Steamer, Thursday night, half-past eight.
“When I left New Burlington Street this evening in the hackney
cabriolet, number four thousand two hundred and eighty-five, I
experienced sensations as novel as they were oppressive. A sense of
the importance of the task I had undertaken, a consciousness that I
was leaving London, and, stranger still, going somewhere else, a
feeling of loneliness and a sensation of jolting, quite bewildered my
thoughts, and for a time rendered me even insensible to the presence
of my carpet-bag and hat-box. I shall ever feel grateful to the
driver of a Blackwall omnibus who, by thrusting the pole of his
vehicle through the small door of the cabriolet, awakened me from a
tumult of imaginings that are wholly indescribable. But of such
materials is our imperfect nature composed!
“I am happy to say that I am the first passenger on board, and shall
thus be enabled to give you an account of all that happens in the
order of its occurrence. The chimney is smoking a good deal, and so
are the crew; and the captain, I am informed, is very drunk in a
little house upon deck, something like a black turnpike. I should
infer from all I hear that he has got the steam up.
“You will readily guess with what feelings I have just made the
discovery that my berth is in the same closet with those engaged by
Professor Woodensconce, Mr. Slug, and Professor Grime. Professor
Woodensconce has taken the shelf above me, and Mr. Slug and Professor
Grime the two shelves opposite. Their luggage has already arrived. On
Mr. Slug’s bed is a long tin tube of about three inches in diameter,
carefully closed at both ends. What can this contain? Some powerful
instrument of a new construction, doubtless.
“Ten minutes past nine.
“Nobody has yet arrived, nor has anything fresh come in my way except
several joints of beef and mutton, from which I conclude that a good
plain dinner has been provided for tomorrow. There is a singular
smell below, which gave me some uneasiness at first; but as the
steward says it is always there, and never goes away, I am quite
comfortable again. I learn from this man that the different sections
will be distributed at the Black Boy and Stomach-ache, and the
Boot-jack and Countenance. If this intelligence be true (and I have
no reason to doubt it), your readers will draw such conclusions as
their different opinions may suggest.
“I write down these remarks as they occur to me, or as the facts come
to my knowledge, in order that my first impressions may lose nothing
of their original vividness. I shall dispatch them in small packets
as opportunities arise.”
“Half-past nine.
“Some dark object has just appeared upon the wharf. I think it is a
travelling carriage.”
“A quarter to ten.
“No, it isn’t.”
“Half-past ten.
“The passengers are pouring in every instant. Four omnibuses full
have just arrived upon the wharf, and all is bustle and activity. The
noise and confusion are very great. Cloths are laid in the cabins,
and the steward is placing blue plates-full of knobs of cheese at
equal distances down the centre of the tables. He drops a great many
knobs; but, being used to it, picks them up again with great
dexterity, and, after wiping them on his sleeve, throws them back
into the plates. He is a young man of exceedingly prepossessing
appearance—either dirty or a mulatto, but I think the former.
“An interesting old gentleman, who came to the wharf in an omnibus,
has just quarreled violently with the porters, and is staggering
towards the vessel with a large trunk in his arms. I trust and hope
that he may reach it in safety; but the board he has to cross is
narrow and slippery. Was that a splash? Gracious powers!
“I have just returned from the deck. The trunk is standing upon the
extreme brink of the wharf, but the old gentleman is nowhere to be
seen. The watchman is not sure whether he went down or not, but
promises to drag for him the first thing to-morrow morning. May his
humane efforts prove successful!
“Professor Nogo has this moment arrived with his nightcap on under
his hat. He has ordered a glass of cold brandy and water, with a hard
biscuit and a bason, and has gone straight to bed. What can this mean?
“The three other scientific gentlemen to whom I have already alluded
have come on board, and have all tried their beds, with the exception
of Professor Woodensconce, who sleeps in one of the top ones, and
can’t get into it. Mr. Slug, who sleeps in the other top one, is
unable to get out of his, and is to have his supper handed up by a
boy. I have had the honour to introduce myself to these gentlemen,
and we have amicably arranged the order in which we shall retire to
rest; which it is necessary to agree upon, because, although the
cabin is very comfortable, there is not room for more than one
gentleman to be out of bed at a time, and even he must take his boots
off in the passage.
“As I anticipated, the knobs of cheese were provided for the
passengers’ supper, and are now in course of consumption. Your
readers will be surprised to hear that Professor Woodensconce has
abstained from cheese for eight years, although he takes butter in
considerable quantities. Professor Grime having lost several teeth,
is unable, I observe, to eat his crusts without previously soaking
them in his bottled porter. How interesting are these peculiarities!
“Half-past eleven.
“Professors Woodensconce and Grime, with a degree of good humour that
delights us all, have just arranged to toss for a bottle of mulled
port. There has been some discussion whether the payment should be
decided by the first toss or the best out of three. Eventually the
latter course has been determined on. Deeply do I wish that both
gentlemen could win; but that being impossible, I own that my
personal aspirations (I speak as an individual, and do not compromise
either you or your readers by this expression of feeling) are with
Professor Woodensconce. I have backed that gentleman to the amount of
eighteenpence.”
“Twenty minutes to twelve.
“Professor Grime has inadvertently tossed his half-crown out of one
of the cabin windows, and it has been arranged that the steward shall
toss for him. Bets are offered on any side to any amount, but there
are no takers.
“Professor Woodensconce has just called woman; but the coin having
lodged in a beam, is a long time coming down again. The interest and
suspense of this one moment are beyond anything that can be imagined.
“Twelve o’clock.
“The mulled port is smoking on the table before me, and Professor
Grime has won. Tossing is a game of chance; but on every ground,
whether of public or private character, intellectual endowments, or
scientific attainments, I cannot help expressing my opinion that
Professor Woodensconce ought to have come off victorious. There is an
exultation about Professor Grime incompatible, I fear, with true
greatness.”
“A quarter past twelve.
“Professor Grime continues to exult, and to boast of his victory in
no very measured terms, observing that he always does win, and that
he knew it would be a ‘head’ beforehand, with many other remarks of a
similar nature. Surely this gentleman is not so lost to every feeling
of decency and propriety as not to feel and know the superiority of
Professor Woodensconce? Is Professor Grime insane? or does he wish to
be reminded in plain language of his true position in society, and
the precise level of his acquirements and abilities? Professor Grime
will do well to look to this.”
“One o’clock.
“I am writing in bed. The small cabin is illuminated by the feeble
light of a flickering lamp suspended from the ceiling; Professor
Grime is lying on the opposite shelf on the broad of his back, with
his mouth wide open. The scene is indescribably solemn. The rippling
of the tide, the noise of the sailors’ feet overhead, the gruff
voices on the river, the dogs on the shore, the snoring of the
passengers, and a constant creaking of every plank in the vessel, are
the only sounds that meet the ear. With these exceptions, all is
profound silence.
“My curiosity has been within the last moment very much excited. Mr.
Slug, who lies above Professor Grime, has cautiously withdrawn the
curtains of his berth, and, after looking anxiously out, as if to
satisfy himself that his companions are asleep, has taken up the tin
tube of which I have before spoken, and is regarding it with great
interest. What rare mechanical combination can be contained in that
mysterious case? It is evidently a profound secret to all.”
“A quarter past one.
“The behaviour of Mr. Slug grows more and more mysterious. He has
unscrewed the top of the tube, and now renews his observations upon
his companions, evidently to make sure that he is wholly unobserved.
He is clearly on the eve of some great experiment. Pray heaven that
it be not a dangerous one; but the interests of science must be
promoted, and I am prepared for the worst.”
“Five minutes later.
He has produced a large pair of scissors, and drawn a roll of some
substance, not unlike parchment in appearance, from the tin case. The
experiment is about to begin. I must strain my eyes to the utmost, in
the attempt to follow its minutest operation.”
“Twenty minutes before two.
“I have at length been enabled to ascertain that the tin tube
contains a few yards of some celebrated plaster, recommended—as I
discover on regarding the label attentively through my eye-glass—as
a preservative against sea-sickness. Mr. Slug has cut it up into
small portions, and is now sticking it over himself in every
direction.”
“Three o’clock.
“Precisely a quarter of an hour ago we weighed anchor, and the
machinery was suddenly put in motion with a noise so appalling, that
Professor Woodensconce (who had ascended to his berth by means of a
platform of carpet bags arranged by himself on geometrical
principles) darted from his shelf head foremost, and, gaining his
feet with all the rapidity of extreme terror, ran wildly into the
ladies’ cabin, under the impression that we were sinking, and
uttering loud cries for aid. I am assured that the scene which ensued
baffles all description. There were one hundred and forty-seven
ladies in their respective berths at the time.
“Mr. Slug has remarked, as an additional instance of the extreme
ingenuity of the steam-engine as applied to purposes of
navigation, that in whatever part of the vessel a passenger’s berth
may be situated, the machinery always appears to be exactly under his
pillow. He intends stating this very beautiful, though simple
discovery, to the association.”
“Half-past three.
“We are still in smooth water; that is to say, in as smooth water as
a steam-vessel ever can be, for, as Professor Woodensconce (who has
just woke up) learnedly remarks, another great point of ingenuity
about a steamer is, that it always carries a little storm with it.
You can scarcely conceive how exciting the jerking pulsation of the
ship becomes. It is a matter of positive difficulty to get to sleep.”
“Friday afternoon, six o’clock.
“I regret to inform you that Mr. Slug’s plaster has proved of no
avail. He is in great agony, but has applied several large,
additional pieces notwithstanding. How affecting is this extreme
devotion to science and pursuit of knowledge under the most trying
circumstances!
“We were extremely happy this morning, and the breakfast was one of
the most animated description. Nothing unpleasant occurred until
noon, with the exception of Doctor Foxey’s brown silk umbrella and
white hat becoming entangled in the machinery while he was explaining
to a knot of ladies the construction of the steam-engine. I fear the
gravy soup for lunch was injudicious. We lost a great many passengers
almost immediately afterwards.”
“Half-past six.
“I am again in bed. Anything so heart-rending as Mr. Slug’s sufferings
it has never yet been my lot to witness.”
“Seven o’clock.
“A messenger has just come down for a clean pocket-handkerchief from
Professor Woodensconce’s bag, that unfortunate gentleman being quite
unable to leave the deck, and imploring constantly to be thrown
overboard. From this man I understand that Professor Nogo, though in
a state of utter exhaustion, clings feebly to the hard biscuit and
cold brandy and water, under the impression that they will yet
restore him. Such is the triumph of mind over matter.
“Professor Grime is in bed, to all appearance quite well; but he
will eat, and it is disagreeable to see him. Has this gentleman no
sympathy with the sufferings of his fellow creatures? If he has, on
what principle can he call for mutton-chops—and smile?”
“Black Boy and Stomach-ache, Oldcastle, Saturday noon.
“You will be happy to learn that I have at length arrived here in
safety. The town is excessively crowded, and all the private lodgings
and hotels are filled with savans of both sexes. The tremendous
assemblage of intellect that one encounters in every street is in the
last degree overwhelming.
“Notwithstanding the throng of people here, I have been fortunate
enough to meet with very comfortable accommodation on very reasonable
terms, having secured a sofa in the first-floor passage at one guinea
per night, which includes permission to take my meals in the bar, on
condition that I walk about the streets at all other times, to make
room for other gentlemen similarly situated. I have been over the
outhouses intended to be devoted to the reception of the various
sections, both here and at the Boot-jack and Countenance, and am much
delighted with the arrangements. Nothing can exceed the fresh
appearance of the saw-dust with which the floors are sprinkled. The
forms are of unplanned deal, and the general effect, as you can well
imagine, is extremely beautiful.”
“Half-past nine.
“The number and rapidity of the arrivals are quite bewildering.
Within the last ten minutes a stage-coach has driven up to the door,
filled inside and out with distinguished characters, comprising Mr.
Muddlebranes, Mr. Drawley, Professor Muff, Mr. X. Misty, Mr. X. X.
Misty, Mr. Purblind, Professor Rummun, The Honourable and Reverend
Mr. Long Eers, Professor John Ketch, Sir William Joltered, Doctor
Buffer, Mr. Smith (of London), Mr. Brown (of Edinburgh), Sir Hookham
Snivey, and Professor Pumpkin-skull. The ten last-named gentlemen
were wet through, and looked extremely intelligent.”
“Sunday, two o’clock, p.m.
“The Honorable and Reverend Mr. Long Eers, accompanied by Sir William
Joltered, walked and drove this morning. They accomplished the former
feat in boots, and the latter in a hired fly. This has naturally
given rise to much discussion.
“I have just learnt that an interview has taken place at the
Boot-jack and Countenance between Sowster, the active and intelligent
beadle of this place, and Professor Pumpkinskull, who, as your
readers are doubtless aware, is an influential member of the council.
I forbear to communicate any of the rumours to which this very
extraordinary proceeding has given rise until I have seen Sowster,
and endeavored to ascertain the truth from him.”
“Half-past six.
“I engaged a donkey-chaise shortly after writing the above, and
proceeded at a brisk trot in the direction of Sowster’s residence,
passing through a beautiful expanse of country, with red brick
buildings on either side, and stopping in the marketplace to observe
the spot where Mr. Kwakley’s hat was blown off yesterday. It is an
uneven piece of paving, but has certainly no appearance which would
lead one to suppose that any such event had recently occurred there.
From this point I proceeded—passing the gas-works and
tallow-melter’s—to a lane which had been pointed out to me as the
beadle’s place of residence; and before I had driven a dozen yards
further, I had the good fortune to meet Sowster himself advancing
towards me.
“Sowster is a fat man, with a more enlarged development of that
peculiar conformation of countenance which is vulgarly termed a
double chin than I remember to have ever seen before. He has also a
very red nose, which he attributes to a habit of early rising—so red,
indeed, that but for this explanation I should have supposed it to
proceed from occasional inebriety. He informed me that he did not
feel himself at liberty to relate what had passed between himself and
Professor Pumpkinskull, but had no objection to state that it was
connected with a matter of police regulation, and added with peculiar
significance ‘Never wos sitch times!’
“You will easily believe that this intelligence gave me considerable
surprise, not wholly unmixed with anxiety, and that I lost no time in
waiting on Professor Pumpkinskull, and stating the object of my
visit. After a few moments’ reflection, the Professor, who, I am
bound to say, behaved with the utmost politeness, openly avowed (I
mark the passage in italics) that he had requested Sowster to attend
on the Monday morning at the Boot-jack and Countenance, to keep off
the boys; and that he had further desired that the under-beadle might
be stationed, with the same object, at the Black Boy and
Stomach-ache!
“Now I leave this unconstitutional proceeding to your comments and
the consideration of your readers. I have yet to learn that a beadle,
without the precincts of a church, churchyard, or workhouse, and
acting otherwise than under the express orders of churchwardens and
overseers in council assembled, to enforce the law against people who
come upon the parish, and other offenders, has any lawful authority
whatever over the rising youth of this country. I have yet to learn
that a beadle can be called out by any civilian to exercise a
domination and despotism over the boys of Britain. I have yet to
learn that a beadle will be permitted by the commissioners of poor
law regulation to wear out the soles and heels of his boots in
illegal interference with the liberties of people not proved poor or
otherwise criminal. I have yet to learn that a beadle has power to
stop up the Queen’s highway at his will and pleasure, or that the
whole width of the street is not free and open to any man, boy, or
woman in existence, up to the very walls of the houses—ay, be they
Black Boys and Stomach-aches, or Boot-jacks and Countenances, I care
not.”
“Nine o’clock.
“I have procured a local artist to make a faithful sketch of the
tyrant Sowster, which, as he has acquired this infamous celebrity,
you will no doubt wish to have engraved for the purpose of presenting
a copy with every copy of your next number. I enclose it. The
under-beadle has consented to write his life, but it is to be
strictly anonymous.
“The accompanying likeness is of course from the life, and complete
in every respect. Even if I had been totally ignorant of the man’s
real character, and it had been placed before me without remark, I
should have shuddered involuntarily. There is an intense malignity of
expression in the features, and a baleful ferocity of purpose in the
ruffian’s eye, which appalls and sickens. His whole air is rampant
with cruelty, nor is the stomach less characteristic of his demoniac
propensities.”
“Monday.
“The great day has at length arrived. I have neither eyes, nor ears,
nor pens, nor ink, nor paper, for anything but the wonderful
proceedings that have astounded my senses. Let me collect my energies
and proceed to the account.
“Section A.—Zoology and Botany.
Front Parlour, Black Boy and Stomach-Ache.
President—Sir William Joltered.
Vice-Presidents—Mr. Muddlebranes and Mr. Drawley.
“Mr. X. X. Misty communicated some remarks on the disappearance of
dancing bears from the streets of London, with observations on the
exhibition of monkeys as connected with barrel-organs. The writer had
observed, with feelings of the utmost pain and regret, that some
years ago a sudden and unaccountable change in the public taste took
place with reference to itinerant bears, who, being discountenanced
by the populace, gradually fell off one by one from the streets of
the metropolis, until not one remained to create a taste for natural
history in the breasts of the poor and uninstructed. One bear,
indeed,—a brown and ragged animal,—had lingered about the haunts of
his former triumphs, with a worn and dejected visage and feeble
limbs, and had essayed to wield his quarter-staff for the amusement
of the multitude; but hunger, and an utter want of any due recompense
for his abilities, had at length driven him from the field, and it
was only too probable that he had fallen a sacrifice to the rising
taste for grease. He regretted to add that a similar, and no less
lamentable, change had taken place with reference to monkeys. These
delightful animals had formerly been almost as plentiful as the organs
on the tops of which they were accustomed to sit; the proportion in
the year 1829 (it appeared by the parliamentary return) being as one
monkey to three organs. Owing, however, to an altered taste in
musical instruments, and the substitution, in a great measure, of
narrow boxes of music for organs, which left the monkeys nothing to
sit upon, this source of public amusement was wholly dried up.
Considering it a matter of the deepest importance, in connection with
national education, that the people should not lose such
opportunities of making themselves acquainted with the manners and
customs of two most interesting species of animals, the author
submitted that some measures should be immediately taken for the
restoration of these pleasing and truly intellectual amusements.
“The President inquired by what means the honourable member proposed
to attain this most desirable end?
“The Author submitted that it could be most fully and satisfactorily
accomplished, if Her Majesty’s Government would cause to be brought
over to England, and maintained at the public expense, and for the
public amusement, such a number of bears as would enable every
quarter of the town to be visited—say at least by three bears a week.
No difficulty whatever need be experienced in providing a fitting
place for the reception of these animals, as a commodious bear-garden
could be erected in the immediate neighbourhood of both Houses of
Parliament; obviously the most proper and eligible spot for such an
establishment.
“Professor Mull doubted very much whether any correct ideas of
natural history were propagated by the means to which the honourable
member had so ably adverted. On the contrary, he believed that they
had been the means of diffusing very incorrect and imperfect notions
on the subject. He spoke from personal observation and personal
experience, when he said that many children of great abilities had
been induced to believe, from what they had observed in the streets,
at and before the period to which the honourable gentleman had
referred, that all monkeys were born in red coats and spangles, and
that their hats and feathers also came by nature. He wished to know
distinctly whether the honourable gentleman attributed the want of
encouragement the bears had met with to the decline of public taste
in that respect, or to a want of ability on the part of the bears
themselves?
“Mr. X. X. Misty replied, that he could not bring himself to believe
but that there must be a great deal of floating talent among the
bears and monkeys generally; which, in the absence of any proper
encouragement, was dispersed in other directions.
“Professor Pumpkinskull wished to take that opportunity of calling
the attention of the section to a most important and serious point.
The author of the treatise just read had alluded to the prevalent
taste for bears’-grease as a means of promoting the growth of hair,
which undoubtedly was diffused to a very great and (as it appeared to
him) very alarming extent. No gentleman attending that section could
fail to be aware of the fact that the youth of the present age
evinced, by their behaviour in the streets, and at all places of
public resort, a considerable lack of that gallantry and gentlemanly
feeling which, in more ignorant times, had been thought becoming. He
wished to know whether it were possible that a constant outward
application of bears’-grease by the young gentlemen about town had
imperceptibly infused into those unhappy persons something of the
nature and quality of the bear. He shuddered as he threw out the
remark; but if this theory, on inquiry, should prove to be
well-founded, it would at once explain a great deal of unpleasant
eccentricity of behaviour, which, without some such discovery, was
wholly unaccountable.
“The President highly complimented the learned gentleman on his most
valuable suggestion, which produced the greatest effect upon the
assembly; and remarked that only a week previous he had seen some
young gentlemen at a theatre eyeing a box of ladies with a fierce
intensity, which nothing but the influence of some brutish appetite
could possibly explain. It was dreadful to reflect that our youth
were so rapidly verging into a generation of bears.
“After a scene of scientific enthusiasm it was resolved that this
important question should be immediately submitted to the
consideration of the council.
“The President wished to know whether any gentleman could inform the
section what had become of the dancing-dogs?
“A Member replied, after some hesitation, that on the day after three
glee-singers had been committed to prison as criminals by a late most
zealous police-magistrate of the metropolis, the dogs had abandoned
their professional duties, and dispersed themselves in different
quarters of the town to gain a livelihood by less dangerous means. He
was given to understand that since that period they had supported
themselves by lying in wait for and robbing blind men’s poodles.
“Mr. Flummery exhibited a twig, claiming to be a veritable branch of
that noble tree known to naturalists as the Shakspeare, which has
taken root in every land and climate, and gathered under the shade of
its broad green boughs the great family of mankind. The learned
gentleman remarked that the twig had been undoubtedly called by other
names in its time; but that it had been pointed out to him by an old
lady in Warwickshire, where the great tree had grown, as a shoot of
the genuine Shakspeare, by which name he begged to introduce it to
his countrymen.
“The President wished to know what botanical definition the
honourable gentleman could afford of the curiosity.
“Mr. Flummery expressed his opinion that it was a decided plant.
“Section B.—Display of Models and Mechanical Science.
Large Room, Boot-Jack and Countenance.
President—Mr. Mallett.
Vice-Presidents—Messrs. Leaver and Scroo.
“Mr. Crinkles exhibited a most beautiful and delicate machine, of
little larger size than an ordinary snuff-box, manufactured entirely
by himself, and composed exclusively of steel, by the aid of which
more pockets could be picked in one hour than by the present slow and
tedious process in four-and twenty. The inventor remarked that it had
been put into active operation in Fleet Street, the Strand, and other
thoroughfares, and had never been once known to fail.
“After some slight delay, occasioned by the various members of the
section buttoning their pockets, the President narrowly inspected the
invention, and declared that he had never seen a machine of more
beautiful or exquisite construction. Would the inventor be good
enough to inform the section whether he had taken any and what means
for bringing it into general operation?
“Mr. Crinkles stated that, after encountering some preliminary
difficulties, he had succeeded in putting himself in communication
with Mr. Fogle Hunter, and other gentlemen connected with the swell
mob, who had awarded the invention the very highest and most
unqualified approbation. He regretted to say, however, that these
distinguished practitioners, in common with a gentleman of the name
of Gimlet-eyed Tommy, and other members of a secondary grade of the
profession whom he was understood to represent, entertained an
insuperable objection to its being brought into general use, on the
ground that it would have the inevitable effect of almost entirely
superseding manual labour, and throwing a great number of
highly-deserving persons out of employment.
“The President hoped that no such fanciful objections would be
allowed to stand in the way of such a great public improvement.
“Mr. Crinkles hoped so too; but he feared that if the gentlemen of
the swell mob persevered in their objection, nothing could be done.
“Professor Grime suggested, that surely, in that case, Her Majesty’s
government might be prevailed upon to take it up.
“Mr. Crinkles said, that if the objection were found to be
insuperable he should apply to parliament, which he thought could not
fail to recognise the utility of the invention.
“The President observed that, up to this time parliament had
certainly got on very well without it; but, as they did their
business on a very large scale, he had no doubt they would gladly
adopt the improvement. His only fear was that the machine might be
worn out by constant working.
“Mr. Coppernose called the attention of the section to a proposition
of great magnitude and interest, illustrated by a vast number of
models, and stated with much clearness and perspicuity in a treatise
entitled ‘Practical Suggestions on the necessity of providing some
harmless and wholesome relaxation for the young noblemen of England.’
His proposition was, that a space of ground of not less than ten
miles in length and four in breadth should be purchased by a new
company, to be incorporated by Act of Parliament, and in closed by a
brick wall of not less than twelve feet in height. He proposed that
it should be laid out with highway roads, turnpikes, bridges,
miniature villages, and every object that could conduce to the
comfort and glory of Four-in-hand Clubs, so that they might be fairly
presumed to require no drive beyond it This delightful retreat would
be fitted up with most commodious and extensive stables, for the
convenience of such of the nobility and gentry as had a taste for
ostlering, and with houses of entertainment furnished in the most
expensive and handsome style. It would be further provided with whole
streets of door-knockers and bell-handles of extra size, so
constructed that they could be easily wrenched off at night, and
regularly screwed on again, by attendants provided for the purpose,
every day. There would also be gas lamps of real glass, which could
be broken at a comparatively small expense per dozen, and a broad and
handsome foot pavement for gentlemen to drive their cabriolets upon
when they were humorously disposed—for the full enjoyment of which
feat live pedestrians would be procured from the workhouse at a very
small charge per head. The place being inclosed, and carefully
screened from the intrusion of the public, there would be no
objection to gentlemen laying aside any article of their costume that
was considered to interfere with a pleasant frolic, or, indeed, to
their walking about without any costume at all, if they liked that
better. In short, every facility of enjoyment would be afforded that
the most gentlemanly person could possibly desire. But as even these
advantages would be incomplete unless there were some means provided
of enabling the nobility and gentry to display their prowess when
they sallied forth after dinner, and as some inconvenience might be
experienced in the event of their being reduced to the necessity of
pummelling each other, the inventor had turned his attention to the
construction of an entirely new police force, composed exclusively of
automaton figures, which, with the assistance of the ingenious Signor
Gagliardi, of Windmillstreet, in the Haymarket, he had succeeded in
making with such nicety, that a policeman, cab-driver, or old woman,
made upon the principle of the models exhibited, would walk about
until knocked down like any real man;nay, more, if set upon and
beaten by six or eight noblemen or gentlemen, after it was down, the
figure would utter divers groans, mingled with entreaties for mercy,
thus rendering the illusion complete, and the enjoyment perfect. But
the invention did not stop even here; for station-houses would be
built, containing good beds for noblemen and gentlemen during the
night, and in the morning they would repair to a commodious police
office, where a pantomimic investigation would take place before the
automaton magistrates,—quite equal to life,—who would fine them in so
many counters, with which they would be previously provided for the
purpose. This office would be furnished with an inclined plane, for
the convenience of any nobleman or gentleman who might wish to bring
in his horse as a witness; and the prisoners would be at perfect
liberty, as they were now, to interrupt the complainants as much as
they pleased, and to make any remarks that they thought proper. The
charge for these amusements would amount to very little more than
they already cost, and the inventor submitted that the public would
be much benefited and comforted by the proposed arrangement.
“Professor Nogo wished to be informed what amount of automaton police
force it was proposed to raise in the first instance.
“Mr. Coppernose replied, that it was proposed to begin with seven
divisions of police of a score each, lettered from A to G inclusive.
It was proposed that not more than half this number should be placed
on active duty, and that the remainder should be kept on shelves in
the police office ready to be called out at a moment’s notice.
“The President, awarding the utmost merit to the ingenious gentleman
who had originated the idea, doubted whether the automaton police
would quite answer the purpose. He feared that noblemen and gentlemen
would perhaps require the excitement of threshing living subjects.
“Mr. Coppernose submitted, that as the usual odds in such cases were
ten noblemen or gentlemen to one policeman or cab-driver, it could
make very little difference in point of excitement whether the
policeman or cabdriver were a man or a block. The great advantage
would be, that a policeman’s limbs might be all knocked off, and yet
he would be in a condition to do duty next day. He might even give
his evidence next morning with his head in his hand, and give it
equally well.
“Professor Muff.—Will you allow me to ask you, sir, of what materials
it is intended that the magistrates’ heads shall be composed?
“Mr. Coppernose.—The magistrates will have wooden heads of course,
and they will be made of the toughest and thickest materials that can
possibly be obtained.
“Professor Muff.—I am quite satisfied. This is a great invention.
“Professor Nogo.—I see but one objection to it. It appears to me that
the magistrates ought to talk.
“Mr. Coppernose no sooner heard this suggestion than he touched a
small spring in each of the two models of magistrates which were
placed upon the table; one of the figures immediately began to
exclaim with great volubility that he was sorry to see gentlemen in
such a situation, and the other to express a fear that the policeman
was intoxicated.
“The section, as with one accord, declared with a shout of applause
that the invention was complete; and the President, much excited,
retired with Mr. Coppernose to lay it before the council. On his
return, Mr. Tickle displayed his newly-invented spectacles, which
enabled the wearer to discern, in very bright colours, objects at a
great distance, and rendered him wholly blind to those immediately
before him. It was, he said, a most valuable and useful invention,
based strictly upon the principle of the human eye.
“The President required some information upon this point. He had yet
to learn that the human eye was remarkable for the peculiarities of
which the honourable gentleman had spoken.
“Mr. Tickle was rather astonished to hear this, when the President
could not fail to be aware that a large number of most excellent
persons and great statesmen could see, with the naked eye, most
marvellous horrors on West India plantations, while they could
discern nothing whatever in the interior of Manchester cotton mills.
He must know, too, with what quickness of perception most people
could discover their neighbours faults, and how very blind they were
to their own. If the President differed from the great majority of
men in this respect, his eye was a defective one, and it was to
assist his vision that these glasses were made.
“Mr. Blank exhibited a model of a fashionable annual, composed of
copperplates, gold leaf, and silk boards, and worked entirely by milk
and water.
“Mr. Prosee, after examining the machine, declared it to be so
ingeniously composed, that he was wholly unable to discover how it
went on at all.
“Mr. Blank.—Nobody can, and that is the beauty of it.
“Section C.—Anatomy and Medicine.
Bar Room, Black Boy and Stomach-Ache.
President—Dr. Soemup.
Vice-Presidents—Messrs. Pessell and Mortair.
“Dr. Grummidge stated to the section a most interesting case of
monomania, and described the course of treatment he had pursued with
perfect success. The patient was a married lady in the middle rank of
life, who, having seen another lady at an evening party in a full
suit of pearls, was suddenly seized with a desire to possess a
similar equipment, although her husband’s finances were by no means
equal to the necessary outlay. Finding her wish ungratified, she fell
sick, and the symptoms soon became so alarming, that he (Dr.
Grummidge) was called in. At this period the prominent tokens of the
disorder were sullenness, a total indisposition to perform domestic
duties, great peevishness, and extreme languor, except when pearls
were mentioned, at which times the pulse quickened, the eyes grew
brighter, the pupils dilated, and the patient, after various
incoherent exclamations, burst into a passion of tears, and exclaimed
that nobody cared for her, and that she wished herself dead. Finding
that the patient’s appetite was affected in the presence of company,
he began by ordering a total abstinence from all stimulants, and
forbidding any sustenance but weak gruel; he then took twenty ounces
of blood, applied a blister under each ear, one upon the chest, and
another on the back; having done which, and administered five grains
of calomel, he left the patient to her repose. The next day she was
somewhat low, but decidedly better, and all appearances of irritation
were removed. The next day she improved still further, and on the
next again. On the fourth there was some appearance of a return of
the old symptoms, which no sooner developed themselves, than he
administered another dose of calomel, and left strict orders that,
unless a decidedly favourable change occurred within two hours, the
patient’s head should be immediately shaved to the very last curl
From that moment she began to mend, and, in less than four-and-twenty
hours was perfectly restored. She did not now betray the least
emotion at the sight or mention of pearls or any other ornaments. She
was cheerful and goodhumoured, and a most beneficial change had been
effected in her whole temperament and condition.
“Mr. Pipkin (M.R.C.S.) read a short but most interesting
communication in which he sought to prove the complete belief of Sir
William Courtenay, otherwise Thorn, recently shot at Canterbury, in
the Homoeopathic system. The section would bear in mind that one of
the Homoeopathic doctrines was, that infinitesimal doses of any
medicine which would occasion the disease under which the patient
laboured, supposing him to be in a healthy state, would cure it. Now,
it was a remarkable circumstance—proved in the evidence—that the
deceased Thorn employed a woman to follow him about all day with a
pail of water, assuring her that one drop (a purely homoeopathic
remedy, the section would observe), placed upon his tongue, after
death, would restore him. What was the obvious inference? That Thorn,
who was marching and countermarching in osier beds, and other swampy
places, was impressed with a presentiment that he should be drowned;
in which case, had his instructions been complied with, he could not
fail to have been brought to life again instantly by his own
prescription. As it was, if this woman, or any other person, had
administered an infinitesimal dose of lead and gunpowder immediately
after he fell, he would have recovered forthwith. But unhappily the
woman concerned did not possess the power of reasoning by analogy, or
carrying out a principle, and thus the unfortunate gentleman had been
sacrificed to the ignorance of the peasantry.
“Section D.—Statistics.
Out-House, Black Boy and Stomach-Ache.
President—Mr. Slug.
Vice-Presidents—Messrs. Noakes and Styles.
“Mr. Kwakley stated the result of some most ingenious statistical
inquiries relative to the difference between the value of the
qualification of several members of Parliament as published to the
world, and its real nature and amount. After reminding the section
that every member of Parliament for a town or borough was supposed to
possess a clear freehold estate of three hundred pounds per annum,
the honourable gentleman excited great amusement and laughter by
stating the exact amount of freehold property possessed by a column
of legislators, in which he had included himself. It appeared from
this table, that the amount of such income possessed by each was 0
pounds, 0 shillings, and 0 pence, yielding an average of the same.
(Great laughter.) It was pretty well known that there were
accommodating gentlemen in the habit of furnishing new members with
temporary qualifications, to the ownership of which they swore
solemnly—of course as a mere matter of form. He argued from these
data that it was wholly unnecessary for members of Parliament to
possess any property at all, especially as when they had none the
public could get them so much cheaper.
“Supplementary Section, E.—Umbugology and Ditchwaterisics.
President—Mr. Grub.
Vice-Presidents—Messrs. Dull and Dummy.
“A paper was read by the secretary descriptive of a bay pony with one
eye, which had been seen by the author standing in a butchers cart at
the corner of Newgate Market. The communication described the author
of the paper as having, in the prosecution of a mercantile pursuit,
be taken himself one Saturday morning last summer from Somers Town to
Cheapside; in the course of which expedition he had beheld the
extraordinary appearance above described. The pony had one distinct
eye, and it had been pointed out to him by his friend Captain
Blunderbore, of the Horse Marines, who assisted the author in his
search, that whenever he winked this eye he whisked his tail
(possibly to drive the flies off), but that he always winked and
whisked at the same time. The animal was lean, spavined, and
tottering; and the author proposed to constitute it of the family of
Fitfordogsmeataurious. It certainly did occur to him that there was
no case on record of a pony with one clearly-defined and distinct
organ of vision, winking and whisking at the same moment.
“Mr. Q. J. Snuffletoffle had heard of a pony winking his eye, and
likewise of a pony whisking his tail, but whether they were two
ponies or the same pony he could not undertake positively to say. At
all events, he was acquainted with no authenticated instance of a
simultaneous winking and whisking, and he really could not but doubt
the existence of such a marvelous pony in opposition to all those
natural laws by which ponies were governed. Referring, however, to
the mere question of his one organ of vision, might he suggest the
possibility of this pony having been literally half asleep at the
time he was seen, and having closed only one eye.
“The President observed that, whether the pony was half asleep or
fast asleep, there could be no doubt that the association was wide
awake, and therefore that they had better get the business over, and
go to dinner. He had certainly never seen anything analogous to this
pony, but he was not prepared to doubt its existence; for he had seen
many queerer ponies in his time, though he did not pretend to have
seen any more remarkable donkeys than the other gentlemen around him.
“Professor John Ketch was then called upon to exhibit the skull of
the late Mr.Greenacre, which he produced from a blue bag, remarking,
on being invited to make any observations that occurred to him, ‘that
he’d pound it as that ’ere ’spectable section had never seed a more
gamerer cove nor he vos.’
“A most animated discussion upon this interesting relic ensued; and,
some difference of opinion arising respecting the real character of
the deceased gentleman, Mr. Blubb delivered a lecture upon the
cranium before him, clearly showing that Mr. Greenacre possessed the
organ of destructiveness to a most unusual extent, with a most
remarkable development of the organ of carveativeness. Sir Hookham
Snivey was proceeding to combat this opinion, when Professor Ketch
suddenly interrupted the proceedings by exclaiming, with great
excitement of manner ‘Walker!’
“The President begged to call the learned gentleman to order.
“Professor Ketch. ‘Order be blowed! you’ve got the wrong un, I tell
you. It ain’t no e’d at all; it’s a coker-nut as my brother-in-law
has been a-carvin’, to hornament his new baked tatur-stall wots
a-comin down ’ere vile the ’sociation’s in the town. Hand over, will
you?’
“With these words, Professor Ketch hastily repossessed himself of the
cocoa-nut, and drew forth the skull, in mistake for which he had
exhibited it. A most interesting conversation ensued; but as there
appeared some doubt ultimately whether the skull was Mr.Greenacre’s,
or a hospital patient’s, or a paupers, or a man’s, or a woman’s, or a
monkey’s, no particular result was obtained.”
“I cannot,” says our talented correspondent in conclusion, “I cannot
close my account of these gigantic researches and sublime and noble
triumphs without repeating a bon mot of Professor Woodensconce’s,
which shows how the greatest minds may occasionally unbend when truth
can be presented to listening ears, clothed in an attractive and
playful form. I was standing by, when, after a week of feasting and
feeding, that learned gentleman, accompanied by the whole body of
wonderful men, entered the hall yesterday, where a sumptuous dinner
was prepared; where the richest wines sparkled on the board, and fat
bucks—propitiatory sacrifices to learning—sent forth their savoury
odours. ‘Ah!’ said Professor Woodensconce, rubbing his hands, “this
is what we meet for; this is what inspires us; this is what keeps us
together, and beckons us onward; this is the spread of science, and
a glorious spread it is.”