GRAYSMILL, November 21st.
For the first time in my life, I have been a little cross with you,
Constance of my heart. My anger did not last long, but even when it
was practically at an end I felt obliged to play at being cross with
you, and therefore would not write. But to-day comes another sweet
letter from you, and I am miserable to think you should have had to
write a second time before getting an answer to your dear words.
Forgive me! I do love you so! I shall tell you quite frankly why I
was cross. You must never tease me again about Gabriel Norton. I
don't like to be teased at the best of times, and I think it
positively wrong to make love a subject for laughter and nonsense.
You see, I allow that I love him; of course I do, but not as you
imagine. Surely there is a love of spirit to spirit which stands
higher than the material love of man and woman. It is just because
we look upon each other in the first place as human beings, as
comrades on the road of life, that our friendship is a source of
strength and comfort to us. If either were to harbour other
thoughts, all that is beautiful in our intercourse must come to an
end. No, you are silly; you must never say such things again,
promise me that. Why, it is just the very absence of love that
_makes_ our friendship. If only people would believe this, if only
men and women would learn to exchange their thoughts in freedom, to
be simple and open in their dealings with each other, what a much
better world this world would be!
But you are just like the rest; indeed, worse than the rest.
Because, somehow or other, whether it's the fault of your curls or
of your lips, or of your smile, or of your whole sweet self, I know
not, but because no man ever draws near you but what you make a fool
of him, you seem to think all men resemble your victims, all women
you, their bane. No, you don't, though; I malign you. Do you
remember saying to me one day: "Try and make yourself appear a
little silly sometimes, Emilia, do, now! Men never fall in love with
clever women!" And right you were. The only passions I ever inspired
flared through their day in the bosoms of women and boys. Never
mind! I had sooner have Gabriel's friendship than ten thousand of
your lovers; I had sooner see you too, sweet, with such a friend as
he to lean upon, than surrounded as you are now by the foolish and
ugly admiration of worthless men.
There, enough lecturing for the present. It's understood, eh?
Gabriel and Jane Norton have actually been here to tea. What do you
say to that? I must tell you how it came about; it's a long story,
but you shall have it all. The other day, my friend and I were
overtaken by a rain-storm on the heath; we ran as fast as we could
to the Thatched Cottage, and there I remained fully two hours, till
the rain had given over. As Gabriel was very restless and
unmanageable, I suggested that we might turn his superfluous energy
to good account by arranging the library. How those dear creatures
keep alive, I cannot imagine; they are helpless and unpractical
beyond all belief. Jane Norton has absolutely no sense of order, the
household drifts along as best it can. "I hate it so," she groans;
"I have a horror of it all." That very afternoon I tore my dress and
wanted to mend it. A brass thimble was soon produced from the
kitchen clock, where Jane keeps it "to have it handy," but never
were needle and thread more difficult to procure. After much
hunting, a dirty reel of white cotton was discovered in the
soup-tureen, the needle-case had entirely disappeared; she finally
managed, however, to squeeze some rusty kind of skewer out of her
pincushion, and with these implements I mended my skirt as best I
could. But to return to the library. The confusion we found it in is
indescribable. When first we began operations Gabriel stood about in
a helpless way, but he became enthusiastic as the work of clearance
advanced, and laboured with good will.
"This was a veritable inspiration!" he cried presently, perching
himself upon the table; "there hasn't been a corner to sit upon for
weeks, not for weeks. It's very odd: I believe that I much prefer to
see things kept in order, only I haven't the least idea how to bring
such a state about. None of us have. Why! there's Plato! Blessings
upon you, Emilia! He must have been behind the piano quite two
months. I have hunted for him high and low." He seized the volume
rapturously and began reading aloud.
"That's all Greek to me," said I.
"Come along then," said he, "let's leave off now, the room's
beautiful; come, I'll teach you the alphabet."
And this was the germ of a scheme we have started. We had been
racking our brains for some time past how to meet during the winter,
in defiance of shortening days, cold, rain, and prejudice. Now we
have it. He is to teach me Greek, and will come to the house to give
me lessons. Thanks to my foreign extraction and to a certain
reputation I have got here for originality, my old ladies were not
at all surprised when I told them that a poor gentleman who lived
with his father and his aunt towards Miltonhoe was coming twice a
week to teach me. On the contrary, their kind old hearts were
touched at the mere mention of poverty, and they asked if I wouldn't
invite Miss Norton to tea; hence Monday's tea-party, which was
exceedingly funny. Ida Seymour had gone to a school treat at
Miltonhoe, so my old ladies and I had the place to ourselves. They
were much distressed, bless them, at the extraordinary antiquity of
Jane Norton's black silk gown; Heaven only knows in what year of
Grace it was fabricated, and how she manages to keep it together.
I'm afraid I shall have some difficulty in preventing Aunt Caroline
from giving Jane a new dress,--she certainly won't rest till she has
done so. As for Gabriel, he was so remarkably dusty and threadbare
that I set him at table with his back to the light, in such a manner
that his mere silhouette was exposed to Hopkinson's scrutiny. I must
allow, however, that he behaved beautifully, and Jane was perfect;
she made an excellent impression on grandmamma, who is very anxious
I should invite her again.
"In fact," said she, "I don't see why she shouldn't come and have a
cup of tea with us every time your teacher comes; then we shall know
she has a good tea twice a week at least, poor thing!"
Why can't I see him without these subterfuges? Why can't we meet
here in my house in all simplicity, without fear of that monster,
the world, and its murderous tongue? It all seemed so good and so
simple that morning when he said to me:--
"We will be friends as friends should be; all shall be true and free
between us; we shall make exchange of our thoughts, and learn
together how to live."
Never mind; I am very fortunate.
Good-bye, my sweet dear, and again, forgive me! I love you.