_House of Commons, Monday, February 18._--Debate on Address finished,
at last. Been on the whole dreary business. Instead of sharp roar of
honest artillery from Opposition camp at opening of campaign, series
of squibs popped off; some of them damp. Novel idea at commencement of
new Session for Opposition chiefs to lurk in the wood armed with
blunderbusses, watching efforts of lesser villains to waylay and
murder Ministers, they coming on scene when these efforts been
repulsed. Novel, but on whole not so successful that we are likely to
see repetition.
Odd thing is that in series of divisions Government had nearest squeak
on motion for the Closure. S. WOODS had amendment on paper; wanted to
have debate adjourned so that another day might be appropriated for
his use; SQUIRE OF MALWOOD thought really been enough talk round
Address. Moved closure. WOODS and two or three other good Radicals go
into Lobby against Ministers; others abstain; Opposition seeing
opportunity flock into Lobby; Ministry saved by eight votes.
"Yes," said the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD as we walked home together, after
last division, "it is not exactly encouraging. But what distresses me
most is the way some of our fellows talk about ROSEBERY. Used to be
old constitutional maxim that the King can do no wrong. Modern reading
on our side is that PREMIER can do no right. Speeches like DILKE'S
to-night hurt me more than anything else." This conversation followed
close on one I had earlier in day with the noble lord.
"How's the Squire looking?" he asked, anxiously. "Bearing up I trust,
against the fatigues of a thankless task. What a few of our men say
about me not the slightest consequence. Passes over me like fluttering
of idle wind. Know all about it. Could, an' I would, describe
animating motive in each case. What cuts me to the heart is their
treatment of the SQUIRE. He manages admirably. Spares no labour; makes
no mistake. Yet whenever some men returned to support us are not
permitted to take in own hands direction of public business, they go
over to the enemy. Great blessing the SQUIRE is endowed by nature with
angelic temper. Otherwise, when this sort of thing happens, he would
chuck up the whole business, and tell malcontents and deserters to
manage matters for themselves."
So nice to have this state of things existing. Sufferers in common
affliction, each thinks only of the other.
_Business done._--Address agreed to after ten days talk.
_Tuesday Night._--Every prospect of quiet evening, even talk of count
out. After spending our nights and days with Address during last
fortnight, small wonder if the hearts of Members, untravelled, fondly
turn to home. Diversion created by appearance on scene of HOWARD
VINCENT. Got up in extraordinary fashion. Round his waist a belt, in
which slung miscellaneous assortment of brushes and other articles of
domestic use. Pendent were hair brushes, hat brushes, tooth brushes,
boot brushes (with case in solid leather), whisk brooms, carpet
sweepers, wall brushes, chimney-sweeping machine (with whalebone head
and chimney cloth), deck scrubbers, one venetian blind-duster, feather
brushes (eight feet long with jointed handles), floor polishers,
hearth brushes (white hair and black), lamp brushes, aid one hair
waver patent for producing in a few minutes, without the use of heated
irons, a natural wavy appearance in the hair. (FRANK LOCKWOOD much
interested in this.)
Other brushes peeped out from every pocket save those at coat-tails,
which, as being more roomy, were reserved for specimens of filters,
fish-kettles, bread-platters, revolving boot-cleaners, specimens of
boxes in which eggs may be safely sent through the parcel-post, and a
lemon-squash stand (oak and nickel mounts complete, with four
tumblers, corkscrew, lemon-knife, and glass sugar basin).
[Illustration: Colonel Howard Vincent bristles with indignation, and
has a brush with the enemy.]
"Been to a bazaar?" I asked; "or are you going to give up military
pursuits, and set up a stall somewhere on your own account?"
"No, TOBY," said the Colonel, severely--"would you just hitch round
the handle of that frying-pan? Thank you; it might get in BARTLEY'S
way whilst I am addressing the House--these few things you see only
partially concealed about my person are the result of the labours of
convicts and felons working in foreign prisons. A Government lost to
all sense of public duty permits their free importation, to the
detriment of honest British workman. You'd better stop and hear me
broil BRYCE."
Colonel walked off with curious clatter, much more effective than the
spurs he wears on field days with the Queen's Westminster Volunteers.
Most interesting lecture, occasionally marred by Colonel, intending at
particular point to produce a blacking-brush, fishing forth from his
miscellaneous store a plated biscuit-box. But the moral all the same.
The articles all made in Germany or elsewhere on Continent. BRYCE glad
to get out of difficulty by offering Committee.
_Business done._--Motion carried for restriction of foreign
prison-made goods.
_Thursday Afternoon._--"Hist!" said Sir HENRY JAMES to JOEY C. "A word
in thine ear. PRINCE ARTHUR away to-night; ground clear; suppose we
occupy it? show PRINCE ARTHUR how we would manage business, and let
the MARKISS see that there are statesmen other than those who hail
from Hatfield and its dependencies. Here's this import duty added on
British yarn entering India. Lancashire members sore about it. Don't
know much on subject myself, but can do simple rule in arithmetic. If
we can detach seven or eight Lancashire Liberals and put on all our
forces, the Government must go. Think how pleasant for PRINCE ARTHUR,
sitting with his feet in hot water and his head out of the window, to
hear the tramp of our messenger along Carlton House Terrace bringing
news that Government is out. If we'd only time we might hire man with
wooden-leg, like the party in _Treasure Island_, wasn't it? Sound of
wooden-leg tramping along silent broadway where PRINCE ARTHUR lives,
and is just now nursing his cold, would be most dramatic. That a mere
detail. Thing is this, Indian cotton business is so much gun-cotton
for Government; I apply torch; up they go--HARCOURT, FOWLER, ASQUITH
(who was so rude to you the other night), and the rest of them. What
do you think?"
JOEY C. is sly, de-vilish sly; said nothing. But he winked.
HENRY JAMES knew that all was well.
[Illustration: Daring Act of attempted Incendiarism; or, "The Light
that failed."]
_Friday_, 12.10 A.M.--Not quite so well as it looked when House met at
three o'clock yesterday afternoon. Ministerialists then in state of
trepidation; Ministers assuming air of resignation. Odds distinctly in
favour of defeat of Government. HENRY FOWLER, formally recognising
situation, had declared they were prepared for the worst. Somehow
things got mixed; explosion took place as arranged; gun-cotton went
off with genial roar; but it was HENRY JAMES blown into the air, and
with him JOEY C. 109 Members mustered under new Opposition Leadership;
304 going with Ministers. Majority, 195.
"Glad I didn't engage the messenger with a wooden leg," said HENRY
JAMES with deepened gloom. "Awful to have a man of that kind going
stamping through a quiet thoroughfare in the dead of the night
carrying news of Government majority of a trifle under 200. Wish
PRINCE ARTHUR would stick to his post and not take colds at such
inconvenient seasons."
_Business done._--HENRY JAMES and JOEY C. go out to shear and come
back shorn.
_Friday_, 8 P.M.--House counted out. Members gone home in state of
hair-bristling perturbation. BRUNNER brought under notice of SPEAKER
circumstances attendant upon mysterious disappearance of JOEY C. last
night. When House cleared for division on JAMES'S motion, JOE seen to
leave and go into Lobby. Thereafter all trace lost of him. Name does
not appear in division list. Witnesses report he was seen endeavouring
to induce SERJEANT-AT-ARMS to unlock door and let him pass through.
SERJEANT incorruptible, inflexible. JOSEPH turned back and straightway
lost to human ken.
"When I was a lad," says WILFRID LAWSON, "I used to be baffled by
inquiry, 'Where was MOSES when the candle went out?' That a plain
proposition compared with this new one, 'Where was JOSEPH when the
division was taken?'" House faced by mystery could not set itself down
to business. Something uncanny about the place. Accordingly got itself
counted out at eight o'clock.
_Business done._--Second reading of London Waterworks Bill carried.