MR. TOOSYPEGS IN DISTRESS.
"Ah, me! for aught that I could ever read,
Could ever hear by tale or history
The course of true love never did run smooth."
--SHAKESPEARE.
"Admiral Havenful, it's kind of you to ask, but I ain't well at all; I'm
very much obliged to you," said Mr. Toosypegs, in a deeply dejected
voice, as he walked into the parlor of the White Squall and took his
seat without ever raising his eyes from the floor.
"Stand from under!" growled the admiral, in a tone like a bear with the
bronchitis, as he gave his glazed hat a slap down on his head, and
looked in a bewildered sort of way at the melancholy face of Mr. O. C.
Toosypegs.
"Admiral Havenful, it's my intention to stand from under as much as
possible," said Mr. Toosypegs, mournfully; "but, at the same time, I'm
just as miserable as ever I can be, thank you. I don't see what I was
born for at all, either. I dare say they meant well about it; but at the
same time, I don't see what I was born for," said Mr. Toosypegs, with
increased mournfulness.
The admiral laid both hands on his knees, and leaning over, looked
solemnly into Mr. Toosypegs' face. Reading no expression whatever in
that "Book of Beauty" but the mildest sort of despair, he drew himself
up again, and grunted out an adjuration to "heave ahead."
"Admiral Havenful, would you oblige me by not saying that again?" said
Mr. Toosypegs, giving a sudden start, and keeping his hand to his
stomach with a grimace of intensest disgust. "You mean real well, I
know; but it recalls unpleasant recollections that I wish buried in
oblivion. Ugh!" said Mr. Toosypegs, with a convulsive shudder.
The admiral looked appealingly at the great painting on the mantel; but
as that offered no suggestion, he took off his hat, gave his wig a
vigorous scratching, as if to extract a few ideas by the roots, and then
clapping it on again, faced around, and with renewed vigor began the
attack.
"Now, Mr. Toosypegs, I'm considerable out of my latitude, and if you'll
just keep her round a point or so, I'll be able to see my way clearer,
and discover in which corner the wind sets. What's the trouble, young
man?"
"The trouble, Admiral Havenful, is such that no amount of words can ever
express it. No, Admiral Havenful!" exclaimed the unhappy Mr. Toosypegs,
"all the words in all the dictionaries, not to mention the spelling
books, that ever was printed, couldn't begin to tell you the way I feel.
It worries me so, and preys on my mind at such a rate that my appetite
ain't no circumstance to what it used to be. My Sunday swallow-tails
(the one with the brass buttons, Admiral Havenful), that used to barely
meet on me, goes clean around me twice now. I don't expect to live long
at this rate, but I guess it's pleasantest lying in the graveyard than
living in this vale of tears," added Mr. Toosypegs, with a melancholy
snuffle.
Once again the perplexed admiral looked helplessly at the picture; but
the work of art maintained a strict neutrality, and gave him not the
slightest assistance. Then he glanced at Mr. Toosypegs, but still
nothing was to be read in those pallid, freckled features, but the
mildest sort of anguish. The admiral was beginning to lose patience.
"Belay there! belay!" he roared, bringing his fist down with a
tremendous thud on his unoffending knee. "Come to the point at once,
Orlando Toosypegs! What the dickens is the matter?"
"Admiral Havenful, don't swear!" exclaimed Mr. Toosypegs, looking deeply
scandalized. "I dare say you mean well; but profane swearing isn't so
edifying as it might be. I've a little tract at home that tells about a
boy that told another boy to 'go to blazes!' and three years after he
fell out of a fourth-story window and broke two of his legs, and some of
his arms. That shows the way profane swearing is punished. I'll bring
you over the book some day, Admiral Havenful, if you like; it's a very
interesting story to read about."
The admiral fell back with a groan.
"I haven't read anything lately but the 'Lamentations of Jeremiah,'"
said Mr. Toosypegs, resuming his former objections; "it's very soothing
to the feelings, though I can't lay it to heart so much as I would like
to, on account of Aunt Priscilla scolding all the time. She means real
well, I know, but it ain't so pleasant to listen to as some things I've
heard. I laid awake all last night crying, but it don't seem to do me
much good."
And Mr. Toosypegs wiped his eyes with his handkerchief.
The admiral said nothing; he had evidently given up the point in
despair.
"I wouldn't mention this to anybody but you, Admiral Havenful," said Mr.
Toosypegs; "because my feelings are so dreadfully lacerated it's a great
affliction to me to speak of it. I know you won't tell anybody that I've
revealed it, because I would feel real bad about it if you did."
"Orlando Toosypegs, just stand by a minute, will you?" said the admiral,
in the tone of a patient but persecuted saint. "Now, hold on--what have
you revealed to me? what have you told me? There's two questions I'd
feel obliged to anybody to answer."
"Why, my goodness!" said Mr. Toosypegs, in much surprise, "haven't I
told you? Why I thought I had. Well, then, Admiral Havenful, I've went
and fell in love, and that's all there is about it."
"Main topsail haul!" roared the admiral, immeasurably relieved; "who'd
ever have thought it? Who is she, Orlando?" said the admiral, lowering
his voice to a husky whisper.
"Your niece, Miss Pet Lawless," said Mr. Toosypegs, blushing deeply.
This announcement took the admiral so much by surprise that he could
only give vent to it by another appealing glance at the picture, and a
stifled growl of "Splice the main-brace!"
"Admiral Havenful, it's my intention to splice the main-brace as much as
possible. I'm very much obliged to you," said Mr. Toosypegs,
gratefully, "but, at the same time, I'm afraid it won't do me the least
good. I know very well she don't care anything about me, and will go and
marry somebody else some day. By gracious!" exclaimed Mr. Toosypegs,
with the energy of desperation, "I've a good mind to go and do something
to myself, whenever I think of it. Why, it's enough to make a fellow go
and heave himself away into an untimely grave--so it is."
"Don't, Orlando, don't," said the admiral, in a tone of grave rebuke;
"it's not proper to talk so. When you come to overhaul your conscience,
by-and-by, you'll be sorry for such rash threats. Now, look here--I'm
going to talk to you for your own good. Does Pet know you've gone and
splashed your affections onto her?"
"Good gracious, no!" ejaculated Mr. Toosypegs, in much alarm; "I
wouldn't tell her for anything--no, not for any amount of money you
could give me for doing it, Admiral Havenful.--Oh, my goodness! the
idea! why, she would laugh at me, Admiral Havenful."
"Avast there, messmate! avast!" growled the admiral, administering a
thump to his glazed hat. "Now, look here. When a young man goes and
falls into love with a young woman, what does he do? or, what do they
do?"
"I'm sure I don't know, Admiral Havenful," said Mr. Toosypegs, looking
dejectedly at the carpet; "I never was in love before, you know, and
it's just the queerest feeling ever was. I never experienced anything
like it before. It's not like the colic, or the toothache, or a cramp,
or anything: you feel--well, I don't know as I can describe it; but you
kind of feel all over. And whenever I meet Miss Pet suddenly and she
turns them two great, black eyes of hers right onto me--my gracious!
Admiral Havenful, the state it sets me into! Why, I actually feel as if
I'd like to crawl out of the toes of my boots or have the carpet open
and swallow me up."
And, Mr. Toosypegs, carried away by the exciting recollection, got up
and paced up and down two or three times, and then dropped back into his
seat and began wiping his heated visage with the flaming bandanna so
often spoken of.
"Belay! belay!" said the admiral, impatiently; "you're steering in the
wrong direction altogether, Orlando. Now, look here; I asked you, 'when
a young man goes and falls in love with a young woman, what does he do?'
and says you 'I don't know, Admiral Havenful.' Well, now look here; I'll
tell you. When a young man goes and falls in love with a young woman,
_what does he do_? Why, Orlando Toosypegs, he goes and marries her.
That's what he does!"
And hereupon the admiral administered another vigorous slap to his
glazed hat, that very nearly stove in the crown of that ill-used
head-piece; and leaning back in his chair, looked with excusable triumph
and exultation at Mr. Toosypegs.
That young gentleman gave a sudden start, such as people are in the
habit of giving when they sit on a tin tack turned up, and got very red,
but did not reply.
"Now, look here, Orlando Toosypegs," reiterated the admiral, bringing
the forefinger of his right hand impressively down on the palm of his
left, "they goes and gets married. That's what they does."
Mr. Toosypegs gave another start, which could only be justified by the
idea of another upturned tin tack, and blushed deeper than ever, but
still replied never a word.
"They goes and gets married. That there's what they does," repeated the
admiral, folding his arms and leaning serenely back, like a man who has
settled the matter forever. "And now, Orlando Toosypegs, in the words of
Scripture,"--here the admiral got up and took off his glazed hat--"'go
thou, and do likewise.'"
And then clapping his hat on again, with a triumphant slap, he sat down
and looked Mr. Toosypegs straight and unwinkingly in the face.
"Admiral Havenful, I'm very much obliged to you, I'm sure," said the
"lovyer," in a subdued tone; "but--but maybe she wouldn't have me. She
might, just as likely as not, say 'No,' Admiral Havenful."
This was a view of the case the admiral had never once taken, and it
took him so completely "aback," to use his own phrase, that he could
only cast another appealing glance at the picture and growl a low,
bewildered adjuration to society in general, to "Stand from under!"
"I shouldn't be a bit surprised if she said 'No,' Admiral Havenful; not
one bit, sir," said Mr. Toosypegs, mournfully; "it's my luck, always, to
have the most dreadful things happen to me! I declare it's enough to
make a fellow mad enough to go and do something to himself--it actually
is."
"Don't now, Orlando, don't now," said the admiral, severely; "it isn't
proper, you know, and you really shouldn't. There's a proverb I'm trying
to think of," said the admiral, knitting his brow in intense perplexity;
"you know the Book of Proverbs, Orlando, don't you? Hold on, now, till I
see: 'Fain'--no--yes, 'Fain heart--fain heart never won a fair lady.'"
Again the old sailor reverentially removed his hat. "That's it, Orlando;
'fain heart never won fair lady.' Now, look here: you go straight along
and ask Firefly if she's willing to cruise under your flag through life,
and if she lays her hand in yours, and says 'I'm there, messmate!' by
St. Paul Jones! we'll have such a wedding as never was seen in old
Maryland since Calvert came over. Hoorah!" yelled the admiral, waving
his hat over his head in an unexpected outburst of delight, that quite
startled Mr. Toosypegs.
"Admiral Havenful, I'll do it! I will, by granny!" exclaimed Mr.
Toosypegs jumping up in the excitement of the moment. "I'll go right
straight over to Heath Hill and ask her. Why, she actually might say
'Yes,' after all. Oh, my gracious! if she does, won't it be nice? What
will aunt Prisciller say? Admiral Havenful, it was real kind of you to
advise me so, and tell me what to do; and I'm ever so much obliged to
you--I really am," said Mr. Toosypegs, bustling around, and putting on
his hat, and turning to go.
"Keep her to the wind's eye!" roared the admiral, in a burst of
enthusiasm, as he brought one tremendous sledge-hammer fist down with an
awful thump on the table.
"Admiral Havenful, it is my intention to keep her to the wind's eye as
much as possible," said Mr. Toosypegs, who comprehended the sentence
about as much as he would a Chinese funeral-oration. "Good-by, now; I'll
come right back when it's over, and tell you what she said."
And like the frog immortalized in Mother Goose, who "would a-wooing go,"
Mr. O. C. Toosypegs "set off with his opera-hat," on that expedition so
terrifying to bashful young men--that of going to "pop the question."