_My Dear Daughter:_--In one of my letters to you, I said that there were
certain excellent manuals which contained important general and special
directions concerning the forms and manners or etiquette of polite
society, and that all young people should study and profit by some
standard works of this kind. But there are a great many things
pertaining to the conduct of life, that go to make up character and
affect the impression we make upon those around us, which are not set
down in books and cannot be imparted by set forms and rules. For
instance, one of the most desirable possessions for any person, young or
old, is tact--a power of moving on through life without constantly
coming into collision with people and things and opinions. And yet no
rules were ever laid down by which anyone can learn to acquire tact. It
is rather the natural result of a disposition to make people with whom
we are associated comfortable and happy, since in order to do this we
must constantly guard against arousing antagonisms or wounding the
susceptibilities of those around us.
Now, to illustrate by some instances of lack of tact: A lady guest at a
table where broiled ham was the meat provided, declined to take any, and
then added, "I don't think pork is fit food for any human stomach." Of
course an embarrassment fell upon host and hostess and all the company,
and the rest of the meal-time was passed in an ineffectual endeavor to
restore conversation to a harmonious basis. What caused this lady to
make such a remark? Simply lack of tact, which means that she had not
the fine sensitiveness that would prevent her from wounding the feelings
of her friends. She had no delicacy of perception as to the reflection
she cast upon her host and hostess by so brusquely condemning something
to which they were habituated. This is one instance of lack of tact, but
here is another of different character: A company of educated people sat
down at table together, and the conversation happened to turn on the
question of the authorship of Shakespeare's plays. One lady, who was a
recent college graduate and supposed to be possessed of an unusual
degree of culture, said in a most positive manner: "I think the
advocates of the theory that some one other than Shakespeare wrote the
plays attributed to him, simply show their ignorance and shallowness."
An uncomfortable pause fell upon, the company, for two of the best
informed people present were entirely convinced that some one other
than Shakespeare wrote the plays. It was simply lack of tact that
betrayed this lady into a positiveness and obtrusiveness of statement
that made others uncomfortable and aroused their antagonism. Here is
still another instance: One lady was introduced to another lady who was
the wife of a gentleman much older than herself. After catching the name
the lady said: "Are you the wife of old Mr. C----?" Of course everybody
around who had any sensibility was pained and embarrassed by such a
blunt, brusque question. Yet the lady who displayed this want of tact
was a college graduate and the principal teacher in an important school.
Now, no rule or rules will ever prevent anyone from doing and saying
things which show lack of tact. Nothing will do it but the cultivation
of a spirit of sympathy which will enable one to realize how other
people feel when their opinions and peculiarities or circumstances are
so bluntly antagonized or alluded to. I know an excellent and
high-minded lady, of superior intellectual culture, who often complains
that she has few friends. She says that she longs for the affection and
esteem of her friends, yet, as she expresses it, she has "no personal
magnetism." I was once present in a literary society of which this lady,
Mrs. A., was a member. Another member, Mrs. B., made a statement about a
matter under discussion in the society, when Mrs. A. arose and said,
bluntly: "That is not true." Everybody was astonished, and listened
almost indignantly while Mrs. A. went on to show that Mrs. B. had simply
been misinformed and was mistaken. It would have been entirely easy and
proper for Mrs. A. to ask permission to correct a misapprehension on the
part of Mrs. B., and she could have done it in such a way as would have
wounded nobody's feelings. Mrs. A., while she complains that she has few
friends, frequently asserts that she believes in saying just what she
thinks. This is all well enough, but she says it with so little tact as
to constantly wound the feelings and antagonize the opinions of everyone
around her.
Tact is as important in manners as in speech. The word is closely allied
to the word _touch_, and a person who has good tact is really one who
can touch people gently, carefully, kindly, in all the relations of
life. In the animal creation no creature has more perfect tact than a
well-bred kindly-treated household cat. You may have seen one of these
enter a room where perhaps a circle of people were seated around a stove
or open fire. Puss wants her warm place in front of the fire or stove,
but she does not brusquely and rudely push her way there. No. She
glides gently, purringly around the circle, rubs caressingly against
this one and that, as though gently saying, "By your leave"; and when
finally she reaches the desired spot, she lays herself down so
gracefully and quietly and curls herself up so deftly that to witness
the act really affords pleasure to the observer. A creature of less tact
and grace would only appear obtrusive and offend and antagonize the
company, and probably rightfully receive reproof and be ejected from the
room.
And so I would wish to see you and all young people cultivate tact;
study how to speak and act so as to touch gently all with whom you are
associated. Behind the best tact lies the wish to be kind and to make
people comfortable and happy, to avoid wounding and irritating; and so
it is true that the basis of true tact is, after all, the moral
sentiment.
The young person who would cultivate tact in speech and manners will
carefully guard against obtrusiveness. This is a defect in the manners
of so many people, both young and old, and includes such a multitude of
things, that it is worth while to particularize a little upon it.
Quietness, repose, order, are distinguishing marks of cultivated social
life everywhere, and to people who are habituated to these conditions of
life it is painful to have incongruous or inappropriate acts or sounds
thrust upon their attention. Here is a generalization that explains the
reason why many things, harmless in themselves are unpleasant to and
offend the taste of cultivated people. No really cultivated young girl
will, for instance, open and play upon a piano in a hotel parlor or any
other parlor at inappropriate times or when it is occupied by strangers.
She will never perform in public any of the duties of the toilet, such
as cleaning her nails or using a tooth-pick. She will not eat peanuts or
fruit or candy, or chew gum, in public places. In fact, I cannot imagine
a really refined young lady chewing gum even in the privacy of her own
room, so offensive is it to good taste. She will not descant upon bodily
ailments in the drawing-room or at the table. She will not rush noisily
up and down stairs or through the house, clashing doors and startling
everyone with unpleasant noises. She will not interrupt people who are
conversing, to ask an irrelevant question or one pertaining to her own
affairs. She will not slap an acquaintance familiarly on the shoulder,
or make special displays of affection or intimacy before people. She
will if possible suppress the sudden sneeze, and use every effort to
quiet a cough. She will not go uninvited into the private room of
anyone, nor into the kitchen of her hostess where she is a visitor. All
such things really inflict pain upon sensitive people; they offend
because they obtrude; and all similar actions and obtrusiveness are to
be carefully avoided by everyone who desires to acquire a true and
genuine culture of action, speech, and manners. It is well worth your
while to think earnestly and often upon these things; to learn to
understand why so many thoughtless actions on the part of young people
are set down to a general lack of cultivation. All such obtrusiveness
must be done away with before we shall be able to realize the prayer of
David, "that our daughters may be like corner-stones, polished after the
similitude of a palace."