_My Dear Daughter:_--When I was a young girl, I well remember that my
parents judged who were and who were not desirable and proper associates
for their children, chiefly by reference to the parents and family of
our young companions. It was taken for granted that the children of
good, honorable, Christian people, who strove to train their children to
obedience and a conscientious life, would be suitable companions for us;
and this criterion in nearly every instance proved to be a true one. In
only one instance, indeed, did it fail; and I well remember the shock it
gave a whole circle of young people, when a young companion, the son of
an eminent clergyman, was sent home on account of his language and
conduct after one week's visit among friends, when it had been expected
by all that he would stay two or three months.
But in these days this criterion of family and parentage is
insufficient; for, sad as it may seem, the children of really excellent
parents are often so derelict in duty, so lacking in conscientiousness,
so idle and aimless and frivolous that their companionship should be
dreaded for susceptible young people especially for young girls. One
thing is very certain: that in these days young people, when out of
sight of their parents, often act and talk in a way which they certainly
would not do in their parents' presence. And that is truly a distressing
fear which often comes to the hearts of excellent and faithful parents,
that the conduct of their children when out of their sight and restraint
may be totally at variance with all they have been taught in regard to
right and proper conduct.
Now all people, old or young, are influenced in conduct somewhat by
their associates and friends; but young people especially are
susceptible to the influence of example. And it is a painful but well
known fact that young people are much more easily and quickly influenced
by bad example than by good. One frivolous, vain, forward, pert young
girl, coming for a season into association with a company of young
people, may in a few short weeks make her impress on the manners and
conversation of the whole of them. Her slang expressions will be
adopted; her loud manners and eccentricities of dress will be imitated;
her frivolity and dislike for any of the serious duties of life will
prove contagious.
For you, and for any young girl, I would consider dangerous and harmful
intimate association with:
1. The young girl who, either from circumstances or natural
disposition, does not compel herself, or is not compelled to do
something--to study her lessons and take some useful share in every-day
duties. "Nothing to do is worse than nothing to eat," said a great man,
Thomas Carlyle; and observing parents or teachers know this to be
especially true of young people. It makes no difference that they don't
want to do anything or to exert themselves. The very absence of exertion
makes them weak and indisposed to effort. It is a lamentable lack at the
present time among a large proportion of the daughters of comfortable
and refined homes, that they have small physical strength and no
qualities of endurance at all. They are "all tired out" if they sweep
and dust or do housework for an hour or two, or take a half-mile walk on
an errand, or sew continuously for an hour. Very likely they will want
to lie down and rest an hour after such exertion. This is all the
result of unexercised muscles and mental indolence. That mother was
quite right, who, when her boarding-school daughter complained that it
made her arms ache to sweep, replied: "Well, you must sweep till it
doesn't make them ache." Mind and body both grow strong through
exercise. Unexercised muscles, of course, will be weak and flabby and
tire easily. But the young girl whom it tires to work is most likely on
the _qui vive_ about some folly or other nearly all the time. Lack of
healthful mental and bodily occupation and stimulus will almost
certainly produce a craving for unhealthy excitement. Such a girl is apt
to be constantly planning for mere pleasure and to have "a good time."
And, oh! what an unsatisfying, unworthy aim in life is this, and how
pernicious in its effects! Pleasure and "a good time" are all very
well, but unless they are partaken of sparingly they produce a mental
effect similar to that which the constant use of desserts and
sweetmeats, instead of plain substantial food, would produce in the
physical system. Association with the idle and the mere pleasure-seeker
is therefore to be guarded against, for their influence cannot but be
harmful.
2. Although perfection is not to be expected in any companion or
associate, yet there are certain defects of character which are so grave
that parents cannot afford to encourage their children in associating
with those who exhibit these in a marked degree. Untruthfulness; the
habit of gossiping about friends or acquaintances or divulging family
privacies; sullenness and moroseness under reproof; rebellious and
disrespectful expressions and conduct toward parents and teachers;
indifference to the good opinion of sensible people, as shown by
unusual and startling conduct in public places; all such things mark the
undesirable associate for young girls. But there are young girls against
whom none of these complaints could be made, who are undesirable
companions because they are wholly absorbed in love of dress and display
and desire to be admired and noticed. It is generally among this class
that we find young girls who prefer to an altogether unreasonable and
unbecoming extent, the society of young men to the society of their own
sex. It is among these that we find the young lady who does not know how
to prevent undue familiarity in the conduct of young men; who will
tolerate without disapprobation or protest, rude conduct on the part of
young men. This over-eagerness for their society, and easy toleration of
too familiar conduct and conversation, young men, who are quick
discerners in such matters, are very apt to take advantage of. Only the
best and most high-principled among them will refrain from doing so.
I have spoken of the influence that a frivolous, vain, selfish companion
will be sure to exercise over those with whom she is intimately
associated. For you, as for any young girl, I would seek to prevent such
associations. On the other hand, I should rejoice to see you form
friendships with good, high-minded, intelligent, gentle-mannered girls
of your own age, and should hope that you would mutually emulate and
stimulate each other in all worthy aims and ambitions. Such friendships,
however, are seldom hastily formed. The gushing and violent attachments
that sometimes spring up between young girls are sure to be of mushroom
growth and duration, unless there is genuine character and merit in
both. During the period of the continuance of such friendships, a great
deal of "selfishness for two" is often developed and manifested. Very
often when young people are visiting together their attentions to each
other seem to make them forget their duties and the attentions due to
other people. Here is one of the best tests of the true character of a
young girl: her conduct in the house where she is a visitor. If she is
truly well-mannered and kind-hearted she will certainly be on her guard
to conform to the hours and habits of the household where she is a
guest; she will avoid making any demands upon the time of her friend
that would cause that friend to neglect her daily duties or put to
inconvenience the other members of the family. She will divide her
attentions with all the members of the family, having special regard for
the very young or the very old. She will, above all things, be prompt
and punctual at meal-time. Her own tact and judgment will enable her to
judge how much assistance she should offer, if any, to the friends she
visits--a matter which must always be determined by circumstances. In
some families and under some circumstances it might be a breach of
decorum and an act of officiousness on the part of a visitor to make any
offer of assistance in the matter of the daily household arrangements.
In other families and under other circumstances it might be an act of
the kindest and best politeness to undertake every day during her visit
a portion of the daily home-duties. That which a young girl who is a
visitor in any family should first of all observe, is the wishes and
convenience of the older people of the household. If the friend she is
visiting should show too much disposition to make everything about the
house bend to the occasion of the visit, the visitor should deprecate
this, both by word and example. Every mother of young daughters knows
the difference between visitors who are thoughtful and deferential and
helpful, and those whose overweening interest in self and selfish plans
makes them oblivious to the convenience and wishes and preferences of
their hostess and other members of the family.
If one wished thoroughly to understand the character of any young girl,
no better test could be applied than to invite her to a three weeks'
family visit. By daily observation one could then learn how near in
character and disposition, in habits and manners, she approached that
beautiful ideal of the poet Lowell which I wish every young girl might
constantly strive to imitate and attain to:
"In herself she dwelleth not,
Although no home were half so fair;
No simplest duty is forgot,
Life hath no dim and lowly spot
That doth not in her sunshine share.
"She doeth little kindnesses
Which most leave undone or despise;
For naught that sets our heart at ease,
And giveth happiness or peace,
Is low esteemed in her eyes.
"She hath no scorn of common things,
And, though she seem of other birth,
Round us her heart entwines and clings,
And patiently she folds her wings
To tread the humble paths of earth.
"Blessing she is; God made her so,
And deeds of week-day holiness
Fall from her noiseless as the snow,
Nor hath she ever chanced to know
That aught were easier than to bless.
"She is most fair, and thereunto
Her life doth brightly harmonize;
Feeling or thought that was not true
Ne'er made less beautiful the blue
Unclouded heaven of her eyes."