_My Dear Daughter:_--To give and receive pleasure in those pleasant
assemblages and meetings of acquaintances and friends known by the
general name of society, is one of the worthy minor aims of life. It is
one of the marks of an advancing state of intelligence and culture, when
an assemblage of gentlemen and ladies can pass delightful hours in the
mere interchange of thought in conversation. And while games and other
amusements may serve for a temporary variety (always excepting games
known as "kissing-games," which should be promptly tabooed and
denounced, and ever will be in truly refined society), yet animated and
intelligent conversation must always hold the first place in the list
of the pleasures of any refined society circle.
How shall a young girl fit herself to enjoy and to afford enjoyment in
general society? Certainly the first requisites are intelligence, a good
knowledge of standard literature, a general knowledge of the more
important events that are taking place in the world, and such a
knowledge of the best current literature as may be obtained from the
regular reading of one or two of the standard monthly magazines.
And here it may help you if I particularize a little in regard to a
knowledge of important events of the day and also of general and current
literature. Of course the main source of knowledge of the more important
events that are going on in the world is the daily or weekly newspaper;
and yet there is scarcely any reading so utterly demoralizing to good
mental habits as the ordinary daily paper. More than three-fourths of
the matter printed in the "great city dailies" is not only of no use to
anyone, but it is a positive damage to habits of mental application to
read it. It is a waste of time even to undertake to sift the important
from the unimportant. The most that any earnest person should attempt to
do with a daily paper is to glance over the headlines which give the
gist of the news, and then to read such editorial comments as enable the
reader to understand the more important events and affairs that are
transpiring in the world so that reference to them in conversation would
be intelligent and intelligible. But if one should never see a daily
paper, yet should every week carefully read a digest of news prepared
for a good weekly paper, one would be thoroughly furnished with all
necessary knowledge of contemporaneous events, and the time thus saved
from daily papers could be profitably employed in other reading.
The field of literature is now so vast that no one can hope to be well
acquainted with more than a small portion of it. Yet every well-informed
young person should know the general character of the principal writers
since the time of Shakespere, even though one should never read their
works. You may remember how, in the recently finished novel of "The Rise
of Silas Lapham," the novelist, with a few sentences, shows how
ridiculous a really beautiful and amiable girl with a high-school
education may make herself in conversation by her lack of knowledge of
standard literature. She was telling a young gentleman where the
book-shelves were to be in the splendid new house being built by her
father, and suggesting that the shelves would look nice if the books had
nice bindings.
"'Of course, I presume,' said Irene, thoughtfully, 'we shall have to
have Gibbon.'
"'If you want to read him,' said Corey, with a laugh of sympathy for an
imaginable joke.
"'We had a good deal about him in school. I believe we had one of his
books. Mine's lost, but Pen will remember.'
"The young man looked at her, and then said seriously, 'You'll want
Green, of course, and Motley, and Parkman.'
"'Yes. What kind of writers are they?'
"'They're historians, too.'
"'Oh, yes; I remember now. That's what Gibbon was. Is it Gibbon or
Gibbons?'
"The young man decided the point with apparently superfluous delicacy.
'Gibbon, I think.'
"'There used to be so many of them,' said Irene, gaily. 'I used to get
them mixed up with each other, and I couldn't tell them from the poets.
Should you want to have poetry?'
"'Yes. I suppose some edition of the English poets.'
"'We don't any of us like poetry. Do you like it?'
"'I'm afraid I don't, very much,' Corey owned. 'But of course there was
a time when Tennyson was a great deal more to me than he is now.'
"'We had something about him at school, too. I think I remember the
name. I think we ought to have all the American poets.'
"'Well, not all. Five or six of the best; you want Longfellow, and
Bryant, and Whittier, and Emerson, and Lowell.'
"'And Shakespere,' she added. 'Don't you like Shakespere's plays?... We
had ever so much about Shakespere. Weren't you perfectly astonished when
you found out how many other plays there were of his? I always thought
there was nothing but "Hamlet," and "Romeo and Juliet," and "Macbeth,"
and "Richard III.," and "King Lear," and that one that Robson and Crane
have--oh, yes, "Comedy of Errors!"'"
So you see how ridiculous this young girl, by the betrayal of such
ignorance, made herself in conversation with a cultured young gentleman
whose good opinion she was most anxious to win. And yet, to talk too
much about books is not well; it often marks the pedantic and egotistic
character. It is safe to say that unless one happens to meet a very
congenial mind among conversers in general society, to introduce the
subject of books is liable to be misconstrued. It is not very long since
another popular modern novelist held up to scorn and ridicule the young
woman whose particular ambition seemed to be to let society know what an
immense number of books she had been reading. Nevertheless, one must
have a good groundwork of knowledge of books in order to avoid mistakes
such as poor Irene made in talking with young Corey.
Directions and suggestions for aiding young people to become agreeable
and pleasant conversers must necessarily be mainly negative. Taken for
granted that a young person possesses animation good sense,
intelligence, and a genuine interest in her companions and the world
around her; is observing, and can speak grammatically without
hesitating; knows the difference between "you and I" and "you and me"
(which I am sorry to say a great many young girls of my acquaintance do
not, for I constantly hear them saying, "He brought you and I a
bouquet," or, "You and me are invited to tea this evening"), she can
almost certainly be a pleasant and entertaining converser if she avoids
certain things, as, for instance:
1. She must avoid talking about herself, her exploits, her acquirements,
her entertainments, her beaux, etc. Especially should she avoid seeking
to make an impression by frequent mention of advantageous friends or
circumstances. The greatest observer and commentator upon manners that
ever wrote was Mr. Emerson. In one of his essays he says: "You shall not
enumerate your brilliant acquaintances, nor tell me by their titles what
books you have read. I am to infer that you keep good company by your
good manners and better information; and to infer your reading from the
wealth, and accuracy of your conversation."
2. She must avoid a loud tone of voice, and also avoid laughing too much
and too easily. To laugh aloud is a dangerous thing, unless all noise
and harshness have been cultivated out of the voice, as ought to be done
in every good school. The culture of the voice is one of the most
important elements in making a pleasant converser. American girls and
women are accused by cultivated foreigners of having loud, harsh,
strident voices; and there is too much truth in the accusation. Nor is
there any excuse for unpleasant, harsh, rough, nasal tones of voice in
these days when in every good school instruction is given in the
management of the voice for reading and conversation. The cause of
harshness and loudness is often mere carelessness on the part of young
people. But talking in too loud a tone is scarcely less unpleasant to
the listeners than the use of too low a tone, which is generally an
affectation.
3. She must avoid frequent attempts at wit; avoid punning, which is the
cheapest possible form of wit; and avoid sarcasm. The talent for being
sarcastic is a most dangerous one. 'No one ever knew a sarcastic woman
who could keep friends. The temptation to be bright and interesting and
to attract attention by the use of sarcasm is very strong, for nearly
all will be interested in it and enjoy it for a little. But were I
obliged to choose between sarcasm and dullness in a young girl, I should
prefer dullness. Happily, this is not a necessary alternative.
4. She must avoid a kind of joking and badinage that should never be
heard among well-bred young people in society--that about courtship and
marriage. Much harm, much blunting of fine sensibilities, much
destruction of that delicate modesty which is the priceless dower of
young girlhood, comes of such jesting and joking where it is permitted
without restraint or reproof. A young girl may not be called upon to
reprove it, but she certainly can shun the company of those who are
given to such vulgarity (for no other term will rightly describe it),
and she can certainly refrain from joining in any conversation of this
description.
Always remember that to be a good converser you must be a good listener.
Very often people acquire a pleasant reputation and popularity in
society by the exercise of this talent alone--that of listening with
attention and interest to what other people say. Be especially careful
to avoid interrupting one who is speaking. Many a fine and noble
thought, many an interesting discussion, is broken off and lost by the
irrelevant interruption of some thoughtless person. One reason why the
art of conversation has so degenerated in these days is that so few have
a real interest in hearing the fine thoughts of good thinker and
talkers. So many people want to talk about themselves, or their affairs,
that it is in many circles almost an impossibility to maintain a high
and elevating conversation. Until years and experience, as well as wide
reading and information, have given you the right to express freely your
opinions in society, it will be well to listen a great deal more than
you speak, especially when in the company of your elders. Avoid all
sentimentality, or the discussion of subjects that would expose the
private and sacred feelings of the heart. Do not quote poetry; do not
ask people's opinions on delicate and individual questions. I have heard
a young boarding-school graduate embarrass a whole room-full of
excellent and educated people by asking a young gentleman if he did not
think Longfellow very inferior to Lowell in his love poems. Among those
of your own age let what you have to say relate to everything more than
to the doings or sayings of other people. In this way you will avoid
that bane of social conversation--gossip. In all social relations strive
to throw your influence for that which is faithful, sincere, kind,
generous, and just. Have a special thought and regard for those who may
labor under disadvantages? be especially kind to the shrinking and
timid, to the poor and unfortunate. Strive to be worthy of the
confidence and respect and love of your associates, and all your
relations to society will be easily and naturally and happily adjusted.