GOD
For the next three months I was an atheist! These are easy words to
write, but terrible to realize. No one but those who know can tell the
terror of a man who has given up belief in an Eternal Goodness, in a
living God that cares for man.
I left Yorkshire with some little hope in my heart--the memory of
Gertrude's words was with me, cheering me during the long ride; but when
once alone in my rooms, nothing but a feeling of utter desolation
possessed my heart. The terrible night on the Yorkshire moors came back
again, the dark forbidding waters, the ghastly red hand, the gleaming
knife, the struggle--all were real. Did I kill him? I did not know.
Possibly I was a murderer in act, if not in thought. I could not bear to
think of it. Who can bear to think of having taken away a
fellow-creature's life? And he might be lying in Drearwater Pond even
then!
Then there was the terrible spell that this man had cast upon me. I felt
it clinging to every fibre of my being. I was not living a true life; I
was living a dual life. A power extraneous to myself, and yet possessing
me, made me a mere machine. As the days and weeks passed away things
became worse. I promised Gertrude to exert myself to find Kaffar, to set
her free from her promise to Voltaire; but I could not do it. His
command was upon me. I felt that it was ever in his mind that I should
not make any efforts, and I had to obey. And his power was evil, his
motives were fiendish, his nature was depraved. Still preachers talked
of a loving God, of the good being stronger than the evil. It could not
be.
"Try! Try! Resist! Resist! Struggle! Struggle!" said hope and duty and
love; and I tried, I resisted, I struggled. And still I was bound in
chains; still I was held by a mysterious occult power.
Then it ceased to feel to be a duty to rid Gertrude of Voltaire. Why
should I struggle and resist? Supposing I succeeded, was I any more fit
to be her husband than he? What was I? At best a poor weak creature, the
plaything of a villain. At any time he could exert his power and make
me his slave. But I might be worse than that. I might, with my own hand,
have sent a man into eternity. How did I know it was Voltaire's power
that made me do the deed? Might not my blind passion have swept me on to
this dark deed? But that could not be. No, no; I could not believe that.
Besides, Voltaire had told me it was because of him. Still, I was not
fit to be her husband.
Then her words came back to me, and her pure influence gave me strength.
She, so pure, so true, had seemed to understand my position, had bid me
hope and be brave. She had told me she loved me--she, whom hundreds of
brave men would love to call their own. I would try again. I _would_
brake the chains Voltaire had forged; I WOULD hurl from me the incubus
that would otherwise crush me.
I tried again, and again; and again, and again I failed.
I did not pray. I could not. If God cared, I thought, He would help the
innocent. I was innocent in thought, and still I was not helped. God did
not care, for He helped me not. Months had passed away, and I had taken
no forward step. I was still enslaved. The preachers were wrong; God did
not care for the beings He had made.
There was no God.
God meant "the good one." "God is eternally good, all-powerful, if there
is a God. But there is not," I said. Evil was rampant. Every day vice
triumphed, every day virtue suffered. Goodness was not the strongest
force. Vice was conquering; evil powers were triumphant. Why should any
exception be made for me? If there is a God, evil would be checked,
destroyed; instead of which, it was conquering every day. There could be
no God; and if no God, good and evil were little more than names. We
were the sport of chance, and chance meant the destruction of anything
like moral responsibility. I could not help being constituted as I was,
neither could Voltaire help his nature. One set of circumstances had
surrounded his life, another mine, and our image and shape were
according to the force of these circumstances. As for a God who loved
us, it was absurd.
And yet who gave us love--made us capable of loving? Was love the result
of chance, which was in reality nothing? And again, whence the idea of
God, whence the longing for Him? Besides, did not the longing for Him
give evidence of His being?
But I will not weary the reader with my mental wanderings; they are
doubtless wearisome enough, and yet they were terribly real to me
Although I have used but a few pages of paper in hinting at them, they
caused me to lie awake through many a weary night.
Still no help came.
I went to a church one Sunday night. There was nothing of importance
that struck me during the service, save the reading of one of the
lessons. It was the story of the youth who was possessed with a devil,
which the disciples could not cast out. The minister was, I should
think, a good man, for he read it naturally, and with a great deal of
power; and when he came to the part where Jesus came and caused the evil
spirit to come out of him, my heart throbbed with joy. Was there hope
for me? Was Jesus Christ still the same wonderful power? Was He here
now--to help, to save?
That was at the end of three months.
I went home and prayed--prayed to be delivered from the evil power which
chained me.
I might as well have turned my thoughts in another direction for all the
good I could see it did me. The old numbing feeling still possessed me.
My little spark of faith began to die. It was foolishness to think of
God, I said.
A week later, I walked in Hyde Park. An evil influence seemed to draw me
in the direction of the Marble Arch. I had not gone far, when I met
Voltaire. I knew then that I was more in his power than ever. He did not
speak--he only looked; but it was a look of victory, of power.
I got into Oxford Street and got on a 'bus. Mechanically I bought a
paper, one of the leading dailies. Listlessly I opened it, and the first
words that caught my eyes were "Reviews of Books." I glanced down the
column, and saw the words, "David Elginbrod," by George Macdonald. "This
book is one of remarkable power," the paper went on to say, "and will
appeal to the highest class of minds. Its interest is more than
ordinary, because it deals with the fascinating subjects of Animal
Magnetism, Mesmerism, and Spiritualism. Moreover, Dr. Macdonald shows
what enormous power, for evil or for good, may be exerted by it; indeed,
the principal characters in the story are so influenced by it, that the
author is led to make quite a study of these occult sciences."
I did not read the review further; what I had read was sufficient to
determine me to buy the book. Accordingly, on my arrival in the City, I
obtained a copy; and then, with all possible haste, I made my way home,
and, throwing myself in a chair, sat down to read it.
I did not cease reading until I had finished what I regarded then, and
still regard, as one of the finest religious novels of the age. This may
seem to many extravagant praise; but when I remember the influence it
had on my life, I feel inclined to hold to my opinion.
Putting aside the other parts of the book, that in which I was so
fearfully interested might be briefly stated thus:--
Mesmerism and animal magnetism may be regarded as human forces. Those
possessing them, and thereby having the power to mesmerize, may
subjugate the will of those who are susceptible to mesmeric influences,
and hold them in a complete and terrible slavery. The oftener the victim
yields to the will of the mesmerist, the stronger will his power become.
There is only one means by which the person under this influence can be
free. This is by obtaining a strength superior to that of the mesmerist,
which is only to be realized by being in communion with a Higher Life,
and participating in that Life. Only the Divine power in the life of the
victim can make him possess a power superior to the mesmerist's.
Possessing that, he becomes free, because he possesses a life superior
to mere physical or human power.
The victim in the book is led to seek that Divine Life in her, and
although she loses her physical life, she dies freed from the terrible
thraldom which has been cursing her existence.
That is all I need write concerning the book I have mentioned, i.e.
descriptive of its teaching.
It turned my mind into a new channel. The teaching seemed scientific and
reasonable. If there were a God, who was the Source of all life, He
could, by entering into the life of any individual, give him such forces
as would be superior to any other force. This was true, further, because
all evil was in opposition to the laws of the universe, and thus the
good must overcome the evil.
This, however, I clearly saw: if I would possess the power of God in me,
I must submit myself wholly and unreservedly to Him. He had made me a
free agent, and I must allow Him to possess me wholly.
I will not describe what followed. It is too sacred a subject to parade.
We cannot write on paper our deepest feelings; we cannot describe in
words the yearnings and experiences of the soul. Were I to try I could
give no adequate idea of my hopes and fears, my prayers and struggles.
To realize my life, a similar condition must be experienced.
I ask, however, that I may be believed when I say this: a month later I
really believed in God, and soon I began to realize His power. I felt a
new life growing in me, a higher life. I began to be possessed of a
power whereby I could conquer myself, subjugate my own will, and be
master over my passions. The reader may smile as he or she reads this,
but this is true: when I became possessed of a life whereby I became
master of my lower self, I felt free from Voltaire's power. I realized
that to be master over myself meant being a slave to none.
I was free, and I knew it. A fuller, richer life surged within me,
enabling me to rise above the occult forces of our physical and mental
natures. Hope lived within me, and confidence as to the future began to
inspire me.