THE HEDONISTS
Fred Foster's people came back from India during the summer, and he
spent all the vac with them, though I tried to make him come to us for
the shooting. He had, however, got an idea that Nina did not want him,
and nothing I could do was successful in removing it. I told him that
Nina had been greatly improved by Paris; I did not like the expression,
but I did not see why he should think it ridiculous. Still, if he
meant to be obstinate it was no use wasting time in writing letters at
which he gibed, so I left him alone.
Jack Ward managed to appease his father, and having done it he set out
on a campaign which for thoroughness beat anything I have ever
discovered. He went off at the end of July to stay with a tutor who
coached him in history and rowing, and he stayed with him until the
Oxford term began. The tutor was a rowing blue who did not, from
Jack's account of him, mind how little work his pupils did as long as
they were ready to go on the river, but Jack assured me that he had
read for four or five hours every day. To start with a history coach
two years before his schools struck me as being magnificent, but Jack
would not hear a word against his way of spending the vac.
"He may not know much history," he said to me when we got back to
Oxford, "but he's a rare good sort, and he says I'm a natural oar.
Besides, he's a sportsman."
"What's that?" I asked, for I used the word "sportsman" to mean so many
things.
"He doesn't bother people; you can play cards if you like, and he has a
billiard table. He is a nailer at cork pool."
"Is he?" I said, and asked no more about him, for I have a horror of
nailers at any sort of pool, having once been hopelessly fleeced by
some of them.
"I won a pot," Jack went on gaily, "in the scratch fours at Wallhead
regatta--I rowed in two regattas. Not so bad; and now I've got to go
down to the river every day and be coached by men who don't know the
difference between an oar and a barge pole. Well, it's all part of the
game."
"What's the game?" I asked.
"Look here, Godfrey, something's happened to you. You've gone stupid;
it's _your_ game. To buck St. Cuthbert's up, get rid of these
confounded slackers, squash them flat, and we are going to do it, you
see if we don't. Dennison was drunk last night or pretended to be, and
he and his gang invaded a lot of freshers and then asked them all to
breakfast. That crowd are no more use to a college than a headache.
Fancy coming to Oxford to be ragged by Dennison!"
"It does seem rather futile."
"Futile!" Jack exclaimed scornfully, and then proceeded to say what he
called it; "but if you have given up caring what happens I shall chuck
up the whole thing," he concluded.
"I have not given up caring, but I have tried once and got laughed at
for my trouble. I don't believe you can squash men like Dennison when
they once get into a college; they are like black beetles, and you
can't get rid of them unless you kill them."
"We can try," Jack said.
"I tried, and most men thought me a fool. The only thing to do is to
leave them alone; but the worst of it is that we can't help meeting
Dennison at dinners and things. He smiled on me the other day as if I
was his best friend."
"He didn't smile at me."
"I think he hates you; I can't get properly hated, when I try to show
Dennison I loathe him he smiles. There's something wrong with me
somewhere."
"You are too rottenly good-natured."
"I never thought of that," I said.
"That's it," Jack declared; "I saw Lambert hitting you on the back in
the quad this morning."
"I told him that if he did it again I should throw Stubbs' Charters at
his head," I replied in self-defence.
"But, don't you see, Lambert would never hit me on the back. He is one
of the most gorgeous slopers we have got, and twangs his banjo for
Dennison to sing what they call erotic ballads. You've not got enough
dignity."
"Steady on," I said, for with too much of one thing and not enough of
another I was beginning to think that it was about time for him to
discover something of which I had the proper amount.
"Don't get angry," he returned, "I only meant to explain why your shot
to buck the college up failed. You're too popular, that's it."
I spoke plainly to him.
"It's no use talking like that," he went on; "say you'll help me, and
we'll have a go at squashing this ragging lot. It wouldn't matter so
much if they could do anything decently, but they are the very men who
ought to go and bury themselves because they won't try to do anything.
Let us do something first and then have a good wholesome rag, but for
heaven's sake let us shut up until we have done it."
Jack had only just left my rooms when, as if to prove what he had said,
Lambert strolled in and asked me if I would let him have lunch with me.
My table-cloth was laid and I couldn't tell him that I was lunching
out, so I told him that Murray was coming. He replied that he liked
Murray, and since that had failed I said that I was going to play
footer and had very little time, but he answered that he would not be
able to stay for more than half-an-hour. Meals with Lambert were apt
to get less simple as they went on, for he had a habit of saying that
he wanted nothing and then of demanding port with his cheese and
liqueurs to save him from indigestion, but I could not get rid of him,
so apart from making up my mind that his luncheon should be as short as
possible, I left him alone.
He read the paper for a few minutes and then asked me if I did not like
his waistcoat. It looked to me like some new kind of puzzle, so I
asked him if he had the answer in his pocket, but he was looking at it
thoughtfully and did not answer.
"Nice shade, isn't it?" he said presently.
I thought that there was more glare than shade about it and told him so.
"It's unique," he declared, and at last I was able to agree with him.
"Have you called on that man Thornton?" he asked, and stood up so that
he could see his waistcoat and himself in the glass.
"I never call on anybody. I have had a lot of freshers to meals, but I
don't know Thornton; he is supposed to be cracked, isn't he?"
"Of course he is. We've got a splendid rag on. I thought of it, and
Dennison is going to work it out. Do you think this coat fits properly
in the back? I met Collier this morning and he swore it didn't."
"What's the rag?" I asked.
Clarkson came in with a message from Murray to say that he could not
come to luncheon.
"That's a good job," Lambert remarked.
"I thought you liked Murray," I answered.
"He would not have cared about our rag. I don't suppose Collier knows
when a coat fits, he's so fat that a petticoat would suit him better
than a pair of trousers."
"Here's lunch," I said, and as soon as I had got him away from the spot
where he could examine his clothes, I asked again what was going to
happen.
"Thornton is absolutely green, Dennison will be able to do exactly what
he likes with him."
"Poor brute."
"I can never make out why you pretend to hate Dennison, he wouldn't
mind being friends with you; besides, it makes things very disagreeable
for me."
"I don't pretend anything," I said.
"At any rate it's very stupid of you; you are both Mohocks, and ought
to be friends."
I thought he had come on a peace mission, so, to prevent waste of time,
I said what I thought of Dennison.
"You make a mistake about him altogether," he said. "Got any port?"
"You'll get as fat as Collier if you aren't careful, and it wouldn't
suit you a bit," I replied, and stayed in my chair.
"Port doesn't make people fat," but he spoke doubtfully.
"You know best, but I should advise you to be careful. What's the rag?"
He shot his cuffs down and stroked his upper lip, as he always did when
he was going to say anything which he thought interesting.
"Dennison is getting it up, which means that it will be jolly well
done. He has found out that Thornton knows nothing, so he is teaching
him a lot. To begin with, he has invented a society called 'The
Hedonists,' which is supposed to get pleasure out of anything
extraordinary, and he has filled up Thornton with the idea that he is
the very man to be President if we can get him elected."
"Does he believe all that?"
"He believes it all right; Dennison is splendid at that sort of thing.
But we must make some opposition, or Thornton might think it was too
easy a job, so we are getting Webb to stand against Thornton, and
Dennison and I want you to propose him. We thought it would be a
chance to show that you didn't mean all that rot you talked about us
last year."
"I meant every word of it," I replied, but Lambert shook his head.
"Really you didn't," he said. "Dennison declares that you hate smugs
and prigs and the sort of men who wear red ties and baggy trousers.
Besides, you have fair rows with the dons yourself. You are made to
enjoy yourself; that's all about it, and it is time some benefactor
told you so."
"I shan't have anything to do with this rag; it seems to be playing a
pretty low-down game on a fresher, and if I can stop it I shall. Tell
Dennison that from me," I replied.
Lambert got up and put his fingers into the pockets of his waistcoat.
"Don't be a fool, Marten," he said sadly, "if you had thought of this
yourself you would have been delighted with the idea; it's so funny."
"Ask Jack Ward to help you."
"Ward! Between ourselves Dennison and I think that Ward is rather a
bounder."
"I'll tell him; he will be glad to hear it."
"You make me ill; can't you see that this is too good to miss?"
"You'd better leave this wretched lunatic alone; but if you stand there
talking until you spoil the pockets of your waistcoat I shan't help
you."
He took his fingers from his pockets and rearranged his tie. "You
disappoint me greatly," he said, and strode out of the room.
Our footer match that afternoon was against Oriel, who play soccer
better than rugger, so we beat them without much trouble. Fred didn't
play for them, because the captain of the 'Varsity team objected to his
team playing in college matches, but he watched the game and came back
to tea with me afterwards. I wanted to give him a cheque for the fifty
pounds I still owed him, for I had just got my year's allowance, and I
thought I ought to pay him. But he would not listen to what I said,
and only tore up my cheque when I gave it to him. "It's no use," he
said, "you will only be short at the end of the year."
That, I knew, was the truth, for economy was a thing which evaded me,
however zealously I pursued it.
"But I hate owing you money," I said, "and by the end of the year
something may have happened."
He only laughed, and told me that if I couldn't borrow money, which he
did not want, from him, I must be a fool, and before I could say any
more Jack Ward appeared. Fred and he did not seem to be very pleased
to see each other again, and since they always got on my nerves I went
into my bedder to finish dressing.
"Been staying with Godfrey this vac?" I heard Jack ask.
"No; have you?" Fred answered.
"Rather not," Jack said; "I've had no time to stay with anybody. I'm
trying to become a decent oar, and reading history--it simply takes all
the time I've got. I rowed a bit at school, but have never touched an
oar for two years until last July."
"It's rather a grind, isn't it?" Fred said; but from that moment he
seemed to change his opinion of Jack, and if I could be a fool about
some things I feel quite certain that Fred had been bothering his head
about nothing for a very long time, which was not very sensible of him.
I don't believe that Jack ever understood why Fred disliked him, and
after he had pulled Nina out of the river the second time, I think he
began to regard her solely as a safe and easy way to a Humane Society's
medal. If Fred would only have believed that there are some things
which cannot stand repetition, I should have been saved a lot of
trouble.
When I went back to my sitter I found that the blight which had always
settled upon them when they were together was disappearing quickly.
They were talking quite amiably, and although I should have been glad
to have said something to show that I noticed the change, I expect that
it was prudent of me to be silent. For the first time, as far as I
could remember, we met without wondering how soon we could separate,
and I had the sort of feeling which I should think a great-grandfather
must have when he is celebrating his ninetieth birthday in the presence
of his not too numerous descendants. I just sat and felt placid for
some time, until I woke up and told Fred that we were supposed to have
a mad fresher in college.
"You are always getting hold of freaks," he answered, and I asked him
what he meant.
"You've got about half-a-dozen men here whose names look as if they
have been turned hind-before; St. Cuthbert's has always been a home for
a peculiar brand of potentate."
"Potentate!" I said scornfully; "besides, colour is not everything."
"Prince, if you like." But I knew that he was trying to draw me on, so
I said nothing. To hear me in defence of my own college was, I am
sorry to say, a great pleasure to him.
"Do you know how this report of Thornton being mad began?" Jack asked.
"I'm rather keen on this, and believe it can be made into a much better
rag than Lambert and Dennison think. It may be a chance to squash them
altogether."
"Lambert has been trying to persuade me to help," I said. "I told him
I would have nothing to do with his blessed rag."
"The best of the whole thing is that I don't believe Thornton is a
lunatic. Collier says he isn't, and both Learoyd and Murray say he's
not mad, but awfully clever or a humorist."
"Murray!" I exclaimed, but Jack was losing the power to astonish me
very much.
"He's all right, I met him in Learoyd's room," Jack said, and began to
laugh.
"So Thornton isn't mad after all, and you needn't talk about freaks," I
told Fred.
"Do you mind hearing about this?" Jack asked him; "it will be splendid
if it only comes off. It's like this: Lambert and Dennison are always
looking out for freaks"--I wished he would not give Fred such chances
to grin at me--"and Thornton's hair sticks up on end, and he never
seems to know what he is going to do next. Murray told me that he is
like a very good pianist he met once, except that he can't play the
piano. At any rate he's odd, and that was the reason why Dennison
asked him to lunch. And Lambert, do you know him?"
Fred shook his head.
"He is the kind of man who is built for processions and platforms and
Lord Mayors' Shows," Jack explained; "he's gorgeous altogether."
"I saw him at your smoker," Fred said.
"He's one of the sights of the place, and he began to talk to Thornton
about champagne."
"He always talks about clothes or wine," I put in.
"Thornton pretended--at least, I'll bet he pretended--to know nothing
about champagne. So Lambert told him the best brand was Omar Khayyam
of '78, and that by a stroke of luck it could still be got at a place
in the High. They thought Thornton swallowed that all right, so
Dennison told him that if he couldn't get Omar Khayyam he must get some
Rosbach of '82. After that they asked what sort of fly he used for
quail; of course the man must have been simply too sick of them to say
anything."
"Lambert never told me anything about the champagne," I said.
"I expect that was because he and Dennison nearly had a row about it;
he swore that he thought about Omar Khayyam, and Dennison swore that he
did--a rotten sort of thing to quarrel about, anyway. I never heard of
the man until yesterday. I've often heard of Rosbach," he added.
"What's going to happen now?" Fred asked, and from some cause or other
he was shaking with laughter.
Jack told him about the Hedonists, and finished up by saying that he
must go to see Thornton.
"What's the good of that?" I asked.
"I want to see if he isn't having a huge joke all to himself; if he is
we may as well help him with it."
As soon as Fred had gone away Jack persuaded me to go with him and call
on Thornton. He had got hold of a scheme which Murray and Learoyd had
started, and as its object seemed to be to score off Dennison I was not
going to be out of it. We found Thornton sitting in an arm-chair with
his feet on the mantelpiece, and Jack seeing that he was alone sported
the oak so that we could not be interrupted.
"I should think," Thornton said, as he pushed his chair back, "that I
must have had over thirty men in here to-day. There were seventeen
before twelve o'clock. I am thinking of putting a visitors' book in
the passage, so that they can write their names and go away. Are you
going to back me up to-morrow night?" he asked Jack.
"They have persuaded you to stand?"
"Dennison says it would be such a bad thing for the college if this man
Webb got in. Of course it is a great honour for a fresher, but I am
used to speaking; we have a debating society at home." He spoke as if
the whole thing was not in the least important, and ran his fingers
through his hair until it stood straight up on end. It was the sort of
hair which looked like stubble.
Jack was so discouraged that he did not know what to say, so I asked
Thornton if he expected to be elected.
"There doesn't seem to be any doubt about that; there are only about
thirty members, and quite half of them have promised to support me.
Webb of course is better known, but in some cases it does no harm to
keep oneself in the background until the last moment. Then I shall
speak." He seemed to think that his speech would settle everything
completely.
I wandered round the room waiting for Jack to bring forward his scheme
if he could remember it, but he was sitting on the table sucking at a
pipe which had no tobacco in it, so I drifted over to a book-case, and
nearly the first book I saw was an edition of _Omar Khayyam_. This
surprised me so much that I turned round to see if Thornton really
looked like a lunatic, but I got no satisfaction from him, for I had
once seen a man who might have been his brother, and then I had been
playing cricket against an asylum. He was lying back in his chair
gazing at the ceiling, and I pulled _Omar Khayyam_ out of the case and
put it on the table for Jack to see. Then I sat down and waited for
results, but I had to make no end of signs before he would take any
notice of the book, for he was in such a state of despondency that I
believe he thought I was trying to talk on my fingers. At last his eye
fell on the book, and after I had nodded furiously at him, he jumped
off the table and stood in front of Thornton.
"You read _Omar Khayyam_?" he said, holding the book in his hand.
Thornton stopped staring at the ceiling and sat forward with his elbows
resting on his knees. "Yes," he answered; "at least, I used to until I
knew it by heart."
"He's a good brand of champagne," Jack went on.
"Are you a friend of Dennison's?" Thornton asked, and there was a kind
of hunted look in his eyes.
"I'm not," I hastened to tell him, and at that moment I looked at my
watch and discovered that I had already kept The Bradder waiting for
ten minutes, so I had to go just as things were becoming interesting.
Jack assured me afterwards that Thornton was not mad. "But," he added,
"he's very odd, and I believe he's in a mortal terror that, unless he
goes on pretending to be a fool, these men will do something much worse
to him than make him president of a society which doesn't exist. So
I've put Murray to speak to him; this will be the talk of the 'Varsity,
and I don't see what good there is in keeping prize idiots. I have
told him to go on playing up to Dennison for a bit, and then we would
help him."
I did not think, however, that it would be very easy to save Thornton,
and when Collier and I went to the meeting of the Hedonists on the
following evening we agreed that whether he was mad or only very
simple, he was sure to be in for a bad time. Although Dennison had
moved into some of the biggest rooms in college, they were crowded when
we got to them, and it was very difficult to get Collier inside the
door. Dennison and a few other men were sitting at a table at the far
end of the room, and just as we arrived a fourth-year man got up to
speak.
I suppose that his business was to explain why the Hedonists existed.
At any rate, he said that it was his duty before he, as the out-going
President, broke his wand of office to remind the Society that it
existed for two definite objects--the pursuit of pleasure, and the
suppression of vulgarity. He then went on to state that Mr. Wilkins,
formerly of St. Cuthbert's, had kindly consented to give an account of
his travels in Central Africa.
"Formerly of St. Cuthbert's," described Wilkins correctly, for he had
been sent down after one term, and since then had been living an
alcoholic existence in a farm-house a few miles outside Oxford. His
appearance was comical, but he was really a dreadful barbarian, who
thought that it was better to gain notoriety as a hard drinker than to
be forgotten entirely. He began by telling us that he had never been
to Central Africa, and hoped sincerely that he never should go. He
also told us that the reason why he was addressing the Society was a
rumour that his aunt had met several African explorers at dinner, but
he wished to say that she was no more of a lion-hunter than he was. In
this way he strove desperately to be amusing, but the struggle was very
painful, and I was glad when he had finished.
The President then broke his wand of office, which for some obscure
reason was a bulrush painted white, and Thornton and Webb, who had been
sitting behind the table, were put up for election and called upon to
speak. Webb developed a stammer, and although he had his speech
written on his shirt-cuff, no one could hear what he said. He was,
however, received with a lot of applause, so that Thornton might think
the election was genuine; Dennison had certainly packed the meeting
with great care.
Thornton's speech was, in its way, almost too amusing, for I found it
very hard to believe that any one who was not more or less mad could
possibly make it. He spoke at a tremendous pace, sometimes talking
utter nonsense, and then as if by chance saying something almost
sensible. Voting-papers were given to twenty-five picked men after he
had finished, and Thornton was elected President by fourteen votes to
eleven. The meeting finished by Thornton thanking everybody in a voice
which sounded tearful, and then he announced that the annual dinner of
the Hedonists would be held at The Sceptre on the following Friday
evening, at which the ceremonies of inauguration would be held, and he
would be the only guest of the Society in accordance with its ancient
and honourable traditions.
"Don't you think he is mad?" I said to Jack as I walked across the quad
with him.
"The only danger is that they may find out that he is rotting the whole
lot of them. He overdid the thing to-night. Come and see Murray."
We found Murray waiting to hear what had happened at the meeting, and
from the account we gave him he said that it could not have gone off
more successfully. "If you think Thornton mad when you know that he
isn't, there is no reason for Dennison to change his mind. Besides,
these men are quite certain that he is cracked, and as long as we are
careful they won't suspect anything."
"We shall have to be most tremendously careful," Jack said, and he
seemed to find the prospect oppressive.
"I'll manage Thornton," Murray continued, "and what you men have got to
do is to get asked to this dinner. We shall have to take some others
into this."
We sat down and chose several men who disliked the Dennison gang, and
who could be trusted not to give our scheme away by talking about it,
and during the next few days we had to work hard. Dennison and
Lambert, however, were so confident that this dinner was going to be
the finest rag ever held in Oxford that they did not mind who came to
it. Collier got several invitations for us, because he had a nice
solid way of sitting down in a man's rooms and waiting until he was
given what he wanted; but apart from Jack it was not difficult for us
to get to The Sceptre, and at last even Jack was invited. Murray said
that his part was to prepare Thornton, and he refused to go to the
dinner, because Dennison might wonder why he wanted to be there. I
thought that Murray carried caution to extremes.
I should think that there were nearly forty men at this function; but
the only guest was Thornton, so he began by scoring something. It was
an elaborate affair; Dennison as Secretary of the Hedonists, and two or
three men who called themselves Ex-Presidents, wore enormous badges,
and Thornton's shirt was covered with orders and decorations which were
supposed to have been worn by eighty-eight consecutive Presidents. How
any one who was sane could possibly consent to be made such a fool
puzzled me altogether, and it required all Jack's assurances to make me
believe that we should not be scored off all along the line.
After the dinner was finished Dennison got up to introduce the
President of the year, but all he did was to give a short biography of
Thornton, which for impudence was simply terrific. Everything had gone
so well up to then that I suppose he could not keep himself in hand any
longer; but as he was bounder enough to pull Thornton's people into his
speech, he succeeded in disgusting several men who had been helping him
in the rag. He finished up by saying that Thornton would give his
inaugural address, and that afterwards the historic ceremonies of the
Hedonists would be performed.
A man with a voice which was a mixture of a street hawker's and a
parish clerk's stood up and chanted, "I call upon Mr. Edward Noel
Kenneth Thornton to put on the purple presidential cap and to deliver
his inaugural address to this ancient and historic Society." The cap,
which had a long black tassel, was then handed to Thornton, and he put
it on amidst tremendous applause. It made him look more ridiculous
than ever, but he seemed to be perfectly calm when he got up and bowed
solemnly in every direction.
"Mr. Ex-Presidents and fellow-members of this justly-celebrated
Hedonist Society," he began, and every word he said could be heard
plainly, "we are here to-night in obedience to custom and in pursuit of
pleasure. Custom is one thing and pleasure is another, but we are
fortunate in belonging to a Society which makes its customs pleasant,
and which has such skilled hands to guide its pleasures that the word
customary fails entirely to describe them." He paused for a moment,
and a man near me asked what he was talking about, but Webb answered
quickly that he was a hopeless madman, and that the ceremonies would be
the real joke. "That I, a freshman," he continued, "should be elected
President of this Society fills me with gratitude and even dismay, for
I fear that the duties of so distinguished an office will be but
inadequately performed during the coming year." Loud cries of "No"
followed this remark, and he went on, "You are good enough to disagree
with me, and perhaps the ceremonies connected with my office may help
me to fulfil my duties. I will tell you what those ceremonies are."
Dennison tried to stop him, but he was speaking quickly and took no
notice of the interruption. "After my address has been given I put on
my robes of office and ride on a mule from here to St. Cuthbert's; I am
to be accompanied by the band of the Society, and attended by six men
who will carry syphons of Apollinaris water and prevent my robes from
being soiled by the dust of the streets. Had I known before I came
here that so much honour was about to be showered upon me I do not
think that I should have considered myself worthy of being your
President. I forgot to say that I am provided with an umbrella." I
looked at Dennison, and he did not seem to be feeling very comfortable;
Thornton, however, had kept up the _rôle_ of a madman thoroughly, and
had spoken of the ceremonies as if he was quite prepared to carry them
out. Some men were shouting with laughter, but Jack was almost pale
with anxiety, and whispered to me that he was afraid Thornton would get
flurried and finish his speech too soon. As soon as the laughter had
stopped he went on speaking, and although he looked terribly pale and
bothered, he was never at a loss for words. "I am, I have been told,
the eighty-ninth man to fill this important office, and when I think of
my predecessors, some of whom have doubtless passed away, I am filled
with a sense of my unfitness for the post which I fill. The whole fate
of this Society depends upon its President; without him to guide the
members in their pursuit of pleasure they would be left to drift into
undignified amusements, and might even end by taking such absurd things
as degrees. At all cost we must avoid banality." As if in the
excitement of the moment, he swept his hands over his head and knocked
off his cap. "However, my fellow Hedonists, I think I may say that
your last President has entered earnestly into the spirit of this
Society. Its aim, you remember, is pleasure--not any vulgar or
ordinary pleasure, but refined and exclusive amusement--that is written
in the rules of the Society as they were given to me, and I need not
remind those who are present to-night that it is their duty to obey
them." He rested his right hand on his shirt, and continued quickly,
"I, at any rate, have obeyed them to the letter. I have, if I may say
so, got more amusement out of this evening than I have ever had in my
life, and as your eighty-ninth President I declare this magnificent
Society at an end." Dennison, Lambert, and one or two others jumped
up, but Thornton told them loudly not to interrupt him, and several of
us shouted for him to go on with his speech. "I have had an
exceedingly good dinner, and my last word must be one of sympathy with
Mr. Dennison, who, thinking that I was a bigger fool than he was, has
invented a society of which, I am sure you will all acknowledge, he is
the only man worthy to be President. I hope that you will see that he
performs the ceremonies which he has arranged for me." As he finished
he took off all his badges and tossed them across the table to Dennison.
There was a good deal of noise during the concluding sentences of his
speech, but the so-called Hedonists were so astonished that they did
nothing, and Thornton very prudently did not wait to see what would
happen next. Dennison was in a miserable state because he was
violently angry and trying to grin, and before the general hubbub had
stopped, two men out of our eight, who had never forgiven him for
laughing at their rowing, picked him up and carried him out of the
room. In a minute Dennison, with the purple cap on his head, was
sitting on the donkey, and a procession had started to St. Cuthbert's.
When we got back to college we succeeded in taking possession of the
porter who answered our knocks, and in getting both the moke and
Dennison into the quad. I was so engaged with the porter that I did
not see whether Dennison entered in state, but at any rate he had to
ride round the quad two or three times, and crowds of men were there to
see him do it. Finally, the Subby and The Bradder appeared, and gave
orders that the donkey should leave the college; so as soon as Dennison
had dismounted, his steed was handed over to its owner, who was waiting
in the street. Then some of us paid a call on the porter to see if he
could develop a bad memory for faces, but the only thing we found out
from him was that his temper was bad, and that we had known before. As
I went back to my rooms I met Lambert, who drew himself up in front of
me as if he was on parade.
"Don't think," he said, "that you have heard the last of this."
"We shall never hear the last of it," I answered,
"We know that you played this dirty trick."
"You can know what you please," I said.
"I told you about Thornton, and then you prepare this behind our backs."
"The whole college, and nearly the whole 'Varsity knew about Thornton,
so you needn't talk such rot to me. Crowds of out-college men were
here to see him come in to-night."
"You arranged the whole thing."
"You may think whatever you like," I replied; and he strode away with a
warning that I had better look out for myself.