THE USE AND ABUSE OF AN ESSAY
The day following the Burtington match was a very peaceful one, but the
evening brought with it a disturbance which was altogether unexpected.
I was engaged at nine o'clock to read an essay to Mr. Edwardes, and I
had been so energetic that I had written it two days before, which made
me feel virtuous. The subject of the essay was "Impressions of Roman
Society as gathered from Cicero's Letters," and I had taken more than
ordinary trouble over it, for it was the sort of question which I could
not answer without definite knowledge.
I went to Murray's rooms after dinner, and I remember telling him that
I believed I had written something which would persuade my tutor that I
had at least made an attempt to satisfy him. And Murray, who was
always trying to keep me out of rows and giving me help when I was in
them, read a little of it, and said that it was ever so much longer
than the one he had written. As length meant work, I was very
satisfied with this remark of his, and I went off to Mr. Edwardes with
a feeling that he might be mildly pleased.
He greeted me coldly and sat down by the side of the table, with his
back almost turned to me; we did not even exchange our opinions about
the weather, and he was evidently as anxious for me to begin as I was
to finish. My opening sentence was stamped by my own style. If I say
that no one else would have written it, I only wish to record that no
one else would have thought it worth while; I will not quote it,
because when I tried to read this essay a year after I had written it,
I was struck by the fact that it was altogether too florid for
every-day use. Mr. Edwardes objected strongly to phrases which seemed
to me beautifully rounded, and I gave them up slowly as one of my most
cherished possessions. I could not share his feelings about them at
that time, whatever I may think of them now, and they formed a part of
a scheme to make my essays less dull, and what I was fain to think even
a little amusing. But apart from my opening sentence I had in this
essay deprived myself of the pleasure of ornate phrasing and been as
solid as possible. I had, however, taken great pains over my first
words. I wished them to convey to Mr. Edwardes that I could still
annoy him if I liked, and afterwards I intended to show him that though
this power remained to me I was too kind to use it. These were not
perhaps the reasons why I was compelled to write essays, and I doubt
whether he would ever have discovered my scheme even if I had read him
what I had written. And I never did read it, for after I had finished
the first sentence and deprived it of much of its effect by getting the
stops mixed up, which made me want to read it over again, he turned
round in his chair so quickly that he bumped his arm against the table,
and if he had not been a don I should have asked him if he had hurt
himself. But as my efforts to please dons by inquiring after their
health had not been successful, I went on reading until Mr. Edwardes
stood up, and feeling then that something had gone hopelessly wrong, I
stopped to look at him.
I could see that he was exceedingly angry, but why in the world he had
become so suddenly afflicted I had not an idea.
"I do not require to hear any more of that. You may go," he said, and
he actually pointed to the door. "But--" I began----
"You may go," he repeated, and since he looked as if he would continue
pointing towards the door until I obeyed him, I collected the pages on
which I had spent so much labour and walked slowly out of the room. I
was too surprised to say anything more, and I did not even feel like
banging the door. The only thought which occurred to me was that there
must have been something very improper in that cherished sentence, but
if my tutor imagined that I took any pleasure in indecencies, or would
write them consciously, I felt that he was a very silly man. I stopped
on the stairs and began reading my essay again; there was simply
nothing in the beginning of it which could offend the most inquisitive
and conscientious Mrs. Grundy. It might have bored any one, but the
person who could have blushed at it had not yet been born.
I was most completely puzzled, and when I went back to my rooms and
laid my rejected essay upon the table, I felt as if the only literature
I wished to see again was the Commination Service. It had often been
my fate to displease masters and dons, but it was a new experience for
me to be turned out of a room without knowing in the least why I was
expected to go. I came to the unsatisfying conclusion that Edwardes
had gone mad, and I determined to see Murray so that I might tell him
what had happened; but before I had finished writing a note which had
to be written, both Murray and Foster came into my rooms.
"Foster has got something to tell you," Murray said.
"Not half as much as I have got to tell you," I answered.
"I will bet you a shilling you think it more important, and you can
decide yourself," Murray replied.
I crammed my note into an envelope and looked at Fred, who was gazing,
rather stupidly I thought, at a photo of Nina which she had sent me a
few days before.
"How many did you make against Surrey this afternoon?" I asked him.
Murray began to laugh, which suggested to me that I was asking an
awkward question. "Was it another blob?" I inquired.
"I made a hundred and two," Foster said, and looked quickly at me and
then again at that wretched photo. I expect he was very anxious not to
seem too pleased with himself, but there was no reason why I should not
be as pleased as I liked, and for a minute I forgot all about Mr.
Edwardes. I told Fred that he was simply a certainty for his blue, and
Murray again seemed to be amused.
"I have got it," Fred said quietly, and he stepped away from me,
fearing that my delight might be painful to him.
There is an extraordinarily small choice of things to do when you are
very delighted; just talking seemed to be hopelessly futile, and even
shouting was not satisfactory. But I had to do something, so I opened
a bottle of port, which I knew both Fred and Murray disliked, and made
them drink some of it. After Murray had tasted his and congratulated
Fred again, he put his glass down by the large bowl which I had bought
on my first expedition to the shops of Oxford, and presently fears of
dyspepsia gripped him so furiously that he emptied the wine into the
bowl, when he thought I was not looking. It was '63 port given me by
my father, and if he had seen Murray getting rid of it in this way I am
sure that there would have been trouble; but I, not being oppressed by
a knowledge of vintages, just filled Murray's glass up again and kept
an eye on him to see what he would do with it. I might, however, have
spared myself the trouble, for he had no intention of pretending to
drink two glasses, though he told me afterwards that some curious
impulse had compelled him to get rid of one, and he had decided that it
would be safer in the bowl than elsewhere. In fact, he wished me to
believe that he had done this as a compliment to Foster, but I could
not follow his line of reasoning.
I sat and talked for a long time about the rottenness of the Cambridge
bowling--which, by the way, I had never seen--and the runs Fred was
sure to make in the 'Varsity match, until he tried very hard to stop me
saying anything more about cricket, and Murray set me going on another
subject when he remarked that it had not taken me long to read my essay.
"Edwardes has gone completely cracked," I stated. Fred had often heard
me express a similar opinion about masters at Cliborough, and was not
inclined to think seriously of Edwardes' condition, but Murray had
curiosity enough to ask me what had happened. "You saw the beginning
of my essay," I said to him, "and there was nothing in it which could
offend a baby in arms, was there?"
Murray said that as far as he knew I had been most modest, and he
added, quite unnecessarily, that the only criticism he had to make upon
it was that I had been asked to give Cicero's impression of Roman
society, and had preferred my own. I was not going to set myself up
against Cicero even to please Murray, so I took no notice of his
remark, and went on with my grievance very slowly, for a grievance does
not get proper treatment if you spring it upon people; they just say
"What a confounded swindle," and go on talking about their own affairs.
I had been badly treated, and I intended to make the most of it, so I
did not mind being a bore if I could extract a little surprise and
sympathy from Fred and Murray.
"I took a lot of trouble over this essay, I changed my style----"
"The first sentence was fairly magnificent; it reminded me of Lambert
walking across the quad," Murray interrupted me by saying.
"I wrote that sentence on purpose so that Edwardes might enjoy the
contrast afterwards."
"There aren't many men who would have thought of that," Fred said, and,
as he was trying to rot me, I agreed with him quite seriously, and
added that I thought it was very kind of me to think so much about
Edwardes.
"But didn't he like the contrast?" Murray asked, and I thought the way
he looked at Fred, as if something was amusing him, was fairly hard
upon me.
"He would have liked it," I said emphatically, "if I had ever given him
a chance. I mean if he had ever given me one."
"What do you mean?" Fred asked, and I could see that it was time for me
to come to the point of my tale.
"After I had read a sentence and a half, Edwardes hopped out of his
chair, glared at me and said he wanted to hear no more. He then kicked
me out of the room, and what I want to know is the reason why he did
it; and if you two fellows can tell me that instead of grinning like
two Chinese idols, you will be of some use." The recital of my
ill-treatment had made me annoyed with both Fred and Murray.
Neither of them said anything for a moment, but both of them were, I
regret to say, amused. They missed the serious injustice of my story
altogether, and though there was some excuse for Fred, who must have
found it difficult to think of anything except his blue, there was no
reason why Murray should not do or say something to show how sorry he
was for me.
"He couldn't have turned you out of the room for that," was all he said.
"I tell you he did, and he was angry, very angry. The man has gone
utterly and hopelessly cracked; it is just my luck to get a lunatic for
a tutor," I replied, forgetting for the instant that Murray also had a
share in Edwardes.
"He was sane enough yesterday," Murray said.
"Perhaps he is one of those fellows who is affected by the sun," Foster
put in.
"There has been precious little sun to-day," Murray, who was in a most
aggravating mood, declared.
"I never said anything to him, but just began to read my essay, and
then he jumped on me. I shall complain to the Warden and see what he
has to say about it. I like the Warden," I added, by way of showing
Murray that I could appreciate a reasonable don when I found one.
Fred said that the whole thing was extraordinarily queer, and that
there must be some explanation of it; but Murray, after being quiet for
a minute, began to fidget like a man who has been puzzling over an
acrostic, and is beginning to discover what it is all about. My people
used to do acrostics, and, when they were completely defeated, I did
not mind being in the same room with them; but, as soon as they got
some clue, my father fairly ramped around seeking books which he could
not find, or asking me for information which I could not give him. He
had the acrostic mania quite badly.
"I can tell you why Edwardes kicked you out; at least I believe I can,"
he said at last.
"Well, let us have it quick," I answered.
"In the common-room the night before last you said that you were going
to town to-day and that you wouldn't be able to read your essay to
Edwardes."
"I was going up to see a dentist, and he wrote that he couldn't see
me," I replied.
"And Dennison heard you say that you were going?"
"The silly fool tried to make out that I was manufacturing the dentist
story. He simply makes me sick, but I don't see what he can have to do
with this."
"Did you see either Dennison or Learoyd in hall to-night?"
"They weren't there, because I heard Webb asking Collier whether he had
seen them."
"I've never heard of Learoyd," Foster said, and considering that he had
just got his blue I am afraid he must have spent a very dull time, for
he was accustomed to see me in trouble, and might reasonably have been
annoyed to find that even on this special evening I was in my usual
state. However, he did not seem to mind very much.
"Learoyd is Dennison's latest discovery," I said; "but he has been
found by the wrong man."
"He is an exhibitioner and Edwardes is his tutor," Murray added; "and
this afternoon about six o'clock I met Dennison coming out of here and
Learoyd was waiting at the bottom of the staircase."
"What on earth was Dennison doing in here?" I asked.
"You aren't much good at guessing," Murray answered; "but I should say
that having heard that you were not going to read your essay to
Edwardes, and Learoyd not having done one to read, Dennison told him he
would borrow yours. I heard you tell Ward that it was just like your
luck to have written an essay when you wouldn't be able to read it, and
Dennison must have heard you say the same thing."
"Do you mean that Learoyd had been reading out my stuff two or three
hours before I went to Edwardes?" I asked, for port always makes my
head feel stuffy however little I drink, and I wanted everything put
quite clearly before me.
"I should say so," Murray replied.
My next remarks do not matter, but as soon as I had passed the
explosive state I said, "That all comes from altering my style, and if
I hadn't Edwardes must have known that it was my essay."
"Confound your style," Foster replied, "it seems to me that this is
likely to land you in a very fair row unless we do something at once.
What sort of man is Learoyd?"
"I hardly knew him until this term, and when I didn't know him I rather
liked him, but he has been about a lot with Dennison, and seems to be
going to the bad as hard as he can be pushed," I answered.
"That's true enough," Murray said; "Learoyd was one of the nicest men
up here until this term, and then Dennison took a fancy to him and the
idiot has chucked up working and spends his time trying to be a blood.
I know his people, and have tried all I know to persuade him that he
will never make a successful blood--he isn't made for one--but I have
done no good. Marten isn't in it with Learoyd for rows with Edwardes,
and the worst of it is that if his exhibition was taken away it would
be serious. His people are most frightfully hard up."
"That makes the whole thing a thousand times more complicated," I
replied, "I can't give a man away who is in a hole already. I had
better sit still and see what happens."
"I should think you had better go and see Learoyd," Foster said, "he
can't be in a bigger hole than you are." He got up to go, and I said
that I should wire to my people in the morning and tell them he had got
his blue, but he told me that they knew already, and asked me if I had
heard that Nina was coming up during the next week to see the last
nights of the eights.
"I had a letter from her last night," he continued, "and she said that
Mrs. Marten was going to write to you."
"Who is coming up with her?" I asked, and I felt that if I never wrote
to Nina, there was no reason why she should not write to me.
"She is going to stay at the Rudolf with the Faulkners. They are
coming next Monday morning," and having told me this, which he knew I
should not like, he was kind enough to go away before I told him again
what I thought of Mrs. Faulkner. For when Fred had been staying with
me at home the Faulkners were a fertile source of dispute between us.
The Faulkners had plenty of money, nothing to do, and no children; they
entertained a great deal, and had a mania for taking people up, as it
is called. I am almost certain that Mrs Faulkner tried to take me up
once, but unfortunately I was expected to run in double harness with a
fellow who wore a yellow tie and was no use at anything except talking.
I put up with him for nearly the whole of an afternoon, until he told
me that an ordinary dahlia, over which he was gushing, reminded him of
the sun rising over the Hellespont, and that was altogether too much
for me. I left him and offended Mrs. Faulkner by telling her what I
thought of him, and she told my mother that it was such a pity that I
was so _gauche_. It took me a long time to forgive her for saying
that, and I wished Nina was coming to Oxford with some one who did not
bother my mother with her opinions.
I sat and pondered over this visit for some time, while Murray kept on
telling me that Learoyd would be in bed if I did not hurry over to see
him. But what good I could get out of seeing him I could not
understand, and Murray became quite abusive before I started.
I knew Learoyd only in the most casual way, and I had never been in his
rooms in my life, so I should not have been disappointed if he had been
out. I found him, however, sitting by himself, and my first impression
was that he was either very sleepy or very sad, but whatever was the
matter with him he could hardly have wanted to see me. He was good
enough, however, to say he was glad that I had come.
The conversation flagged for two or three minutes until he roused
himself suddenly. "I have got the most vile attack of the blues
to-night," he said, "and somehow or other I can't shake them off." He
seized a decanter of whisky and began pouring some of it into a glass,
and then I did one of those things which I do impulsively and which are
occasionally right. I put my hand on his arm and said, "That stuff
will only put them off until to-morrow morning." He looked at me for a
moment and sat down again. "Why does every one preach to me?" he
asked. "I shouldn't have thought you were that sort, though you are a
friend of Dick Murray's." He was not angry, but just hopelessly tired
of everything, and he looked so wretched that I felt really sorry for
him.
"I don't preach," I answered, "though if I could remember half the
things which have been fired off at me they would make a mighty fine
sermon. When people take any notice of me they think that I want
looking after and they begin to do it, the others leave me alone and
say that I shall come to a bad end."
He was evidently feeling so miserable about everything that I thought
he might like to hear these dismal prophecies about my future. I even
thought they might cheer him up, and make him see that we were in the
same boat. But I made a mistake, for he was annoyed at the idea that
my future could possibly be as great a failure as his.
"You wouldn't say these things if you really thought you were in a
hopeless muddle. I have gone through it all this term, and I know. I
have tried to laugh, and I have drunk until I didn't care what
happened, but it is all no use. I have made a mess of everything, and
there is no one to blame except myself. And then this utterly idiotic
row comes on the top of everything."
He sat looking in front of him, and did not seem to remember that I was
in the room, and the thought passed through my mind that I should be
glad to wring Dennison's neck. I asked him twice what row he was
talking about before he spoke.
"Hasn't Dennison told you?" he asked. "I left him about an hour ago,
and he said he would go and see you. I thought that was what you had
come here for, though of course nothing can be done."
"I haven't seen Dennison," I said, and added, "I never do if I can help
it," for Learoyd's statement that nothing could be done had given me no
satisfaction.
"You said that you had done an essay for Edwardes which you weren't
going to read. I hadn't done mine, so Dennison said you wouldn't mind
me using yours. He got it, and I went to Edwardes at six o'clock to
read it, but as soon as I started he began to jump about as if
something was stinging him, and after I had read about half a page he
kicked me out of the room."
"The man is mad after all," I said.
"No, he isn't, I wish he was," Learoyd continued. "This is what
happened: Collier stayed in his rooms this afternoon to do his essay,
but went to sleep, and never woke up until it was too late to do it,
and then he remembered that you had one which wanted using so he read
it to Edwardes at five o'clock. I wish to goodness he hadn't put it
back in your rooms."
This was too much for me, and although Learoyd looked as miserable as
ever, I had to laugh.
"You wouldn't be so amused if you were in for the row I am," he said,
"they will probably take away my exhibition."
"I am in for exactly the same row," I answered. "I tried to read that
essay to Edwardes after dinner, and he looked as if he was going to
have a fit. I was out of the room in no time."
Then Learoyd and I just sat for two or three minutes and laughed until
he felt ever so much better.
"What are we to do next?" he asked. "After all, it was your essay."
"It was no wonder Edwardes jumped about," I said, "I thought he was
mad."
"So did I, until I saw Collier. But what are we to do?"
"You say you are in a fairly tight hole," I replied.
"Yes," he said, "I have been in for row after row all this term."
"Then I won't claim this wretched essay, and it can't matter to
Collier, because he hasn't got anything which the dons can take away."
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Why, Collier has got to tell Edwardes he borrowed the thing, and I
shall sit tight, so they will naturally think it is yours."
"I can't stand that," he replied.
"Why not?" I asked. "They won't do anything desperate to me, and of
course Collier won't mind at all."
I talked until I thought that Learoyd saw how much better my
arrangement was than anything he could suggest, and although he would
not promise to do what I proposed, I thought that I had arranged
everything when I left him. But Learoyd was not the sort of man who
would get out of a row by sacrificing any one else, and on the
following morning both he and Collier went to Edwardes and told him
exactly what had happened. It was very nice of them to do it, but it
deprived me of the comfortable feeling of having done Learoyd a really
good turn, and brought me to the ground again rather too abruptly to
please me. So having been kicked out of the room for nothing, I went
at once to Edwardes and tried to convey to him, as one man would to
another, that I would forget his treatment of me if he would let off
Collier and Learoyd, but especially Learoyd, as lightly as possible.
That mission of mine, however, was a mistake. Mr. Edwardes said he was
not in a position to bargain with any undergraduate, and that he had no
doubt that should the dons require my assistance in managing the
college they would ask me to help them. After I had left him I should
think he must have regretted saying such sarcastic things, for Learoyd
only got a final warning that his exhibition would be taken away at the
end of the term unless he worked properly, and nothing whatever
happened to Collier. But I am afraid Edwardes never gave me the credit
for my essay which I felt that I deserved.