LADY G----, TO MISS BYRON
SUNDAY, MAY 7.
I believe I shall become as arrant a scribbler as somebody else. I begin
to like writing. A great compliment to you, I assure you. I see one may
bring one's mind to any thing.--I thought I must have had recourse, when
you and my brother left us, and when I was married, to the public
amusements, to fill up my leisure: and as I have seen every thing worth
seeing of those, many times over; (masquerades excepted, and them I
despise;) time, you know, in that case, would have passed a little
heavily, after having shewn myself, and, by seeing who and who were
together, laid in a little store of the right sort of conversation for
the tea-table. For you know, Harriet, that among us modern fine people,
the company, and not the entertainment, is the principal part of the
raree-show. Pretty enough! to make the entertainment, and pay for it
too, to the honest fellows, who have nothing to do, but to project
schemes to get us together.
I don't know what to do with this man. I little thought that I was to be
considered as such a doll, such a toy, as he would make me. I want to
drive him out of the house without me, were it but to purvey for me news
and scandal. What are your fine gentlemen fit for else? You know, that,
with all my faults, I have a domestic and managing turn. A man should
encourage that in a wife, and not be perpetually teasing her for her
company abroad, unless he did it with a view to keep her at home. Our
sex don't love to be prescribed to, even in the things from which they
are not naturally averse: and for this very reason, perhaps, because it
becomes us to submit to prescription. Human nature, Harriet, is a
perverse thing. I believe, if my good man wished me to stay at home, I
should torture my brain, as other good wives do, for inventions to go
abroad.
It was but yesterday, that in order to give him a hint, I pinned my apron
to his coat, without considering who was likely to be a sufferer by it;
and he, getting up, in his usual nimble way, gave it a rent, and then
looked behind him with so much apprehension--Hands folded, eyes goggling,
bag in motion from shoulder to shoulder. I was vexed too much to make
the use of the trick which I had designed, and huffed him. He made
excuses, and looked pitifully; bringing in his soul, to testify that he
knew not how it could be. How it could be! Wretch! When you are always
squatting upon one's clothes, in defiance of hoop, or distance.
He went out directly, and brought me in two aprons, either of which was
worth twenty of that he so carelessly rent. Who could be angry with him?
--I was, indeed, thinking to chide him for this--As if I were not to be
trusted to buy my own clothes; but he looked at me with so good-natured
an eye, that I relented, and accepted, with a bow of graciousness, his
present; only calling him an odd creature--And that he is, you know, my
dear.
We live very whimsically, in the main: not above four quarrels, however,
and as many more chidings, in a day. What does the man stay at home for
then so much, when I am at home?--Married people, by frequent absences,
may have a chance for a little happiness. How many debatings, if not
direct quarrels, are saved by the good man's and his meek wife's seeing
each other but once or twice a week! In what can men and women, who are
much together, employ themselves, but in proving and defending,
quarrelling and making up? Especially if they both chance to marry for
love (which, thank Heaven, is not altogether my case); for then both
honest souls, having promised more happiness to each other than they can
possibly meet with, have nothing to do but reproach each other, at least
tacitly, for their disappointment--A great deal of free-masonry in love,
my dear, believe me! The secret, like that, when found out, is hardly
worth the knowing.
Well, but what silly rattle is this, Charlotte! methinks you say, and put
on one of your wisest looks.
No matter, Harriet! There may be some wisdom in much folly. Every one
speaks not out so plainly as I do. But when the novelty of an
acquisition or change of condition is over, be the change or the
acquisition what it will, the principal pleasure is over, and other
novelties are hunted after, to keep the pool of life from stagnating.
This is a serious truth, my dear, and I expect you to praise me for it.
You are very sparing of your praise to poor me; and yet I had rather have
your good word, than any woman's in the world: or man's either, I was
going to say; but I should then have forgot my brother. As for Lord
G----, were I to accustom him to obligingness, I should destroy my own
consequence: for then it would be no novelty; and he would be hunting
after a new folly.--Very true, Harriet.
Well, but we have had a good serious falling-out; and it still subsists.
It began on Friday night; present, Lord and Lady L----, and Emily. I was
very angry with him for bringing it on before them. The man has no
discretion, my dear; none at all. And what about? Why, we have not made
our appearance at court, forsooth.
A very confident thing, this same appearance, I think! A compliment made
to fine clothes and jewels, at the expense of modesty.
Lord G---- pleads decorum--Decorum against modesty, my dear!--But if by
decorum is meant fashion, I have in a hundred instances found decorum
beat modesty out of the house. And as my brother, who would have been
our principal honour on such an occasion, is gone abroad; and as ours is
an elderly novelty, as I may say, [Our fineries were not ready, you know,
before my brother went,] I was fervent against it.
'I was the only woman of condition, in England, who would be against it.'
I told my lord, that was a reflection on my sex: but Lord and Lady L----,
who had been spoken to, I believe, by Lady Gertrude, were both on his
side--[I shall have this man utterly ruined for a husband among you]--
When there were three to one, it would have looked cowardly to yield, you
know. I was brave. But it being proposed for Sunday, and that being at
a little distance, it was not doubted but I would comply. So the night
passed off, with prayings, hopings, and a little mutteration. [Allow me
that word, or find me a better.] The entreaty was renewed in the
morning; but, no!--'I was ashamed of him,' he said. I asked him if he
really thought so?--'He should think so, if I refused him.' Heaven
forbid, my lord, that I, who contend for the liberty of acting, should
hinder you from the liberty of thinking! Only one piece of advice,
honest friend, said I: don't imagine the worst against yourself: and
another, if you have a mind to carry a point with me, don't bring on the
cause before any body else: for that would be to doubt either my duty, or
your own reasonableness.
As sure as you are alive, Harriet, the man made an exception against
being called honest friend; as if, as I told him, either of the words
were incompatible with quality. So, once, he was as froppish as a child,
on my calling him the man; a higher distinction, I think, than if I had
called him a king, or a prince. THE MAN!--Strange creature! To except to
a distinction that implies, that he is the man of men!--You see what a
captious mortal I have been forced to call my lord. But lord and master
do not always go together; though they do too often, for the happiness of
many a meek soul of our sex.
Well, this debate seemed suspended, by my telling him, that if I were
presented at court, I would not have either the Earl or Lady Gertrude go
with us, the very people who were most desirous to be there--But I might
not think of that, at the time, you know--I would not be thought very
perverse; only a little whimsical, or so. And I wanted not an excellent
reason for excluding them--'Are their consents to our past affair
doubted, my lord, said I, that you think it necessary for them to appear
to justify us?'
He could say nothing to this, you know. And I should never forgive the
husband, as I told him, on another occasion, who would pretend to argue,
when he had nothing to say.
Then (for the baby will be always craving something) he wanted me to go
abroad with him--I forget whither--But to some place that he supposed
(poor man!) I should like to visit. I told him, I dared to say, he
wished to be thought a modern husband, and a fashionable man; and he
would get a bad name, if he could never stir out without his wife.
Neither could he answer that, you know.
Well, we went on, mutter, mutter, grumble, grumble, the thunder rolling
at a distance; a little impatience now and then, however, portending,
that it would come nearer. But, as yet, it was only, Pray, my dear,
oblige me; and, Pray, my lord, excuse me; till this morning, when he had
the assurance to be pretty peremptory; hinting, that the lord in waiting
had been spoken to. A fine time of it would a wife have, if she were not
at liberty to dress herself as she pleases. Were I to choose again, I do
assure you, my dear, it should not be a man, who by his taste for moths
and butterflies, shells, china, and such-like trifles, would give me
warning, that he would presume to dress his baby, and when he had done,
would perhaps admire his own fancy more than her person. I believe, my
Harriet, I shall make you afraid of matrimony: but I will pursue my
subject, for all that--
When the insolent saw that I did not dress, as he would have had me; he
drew out his face, glouting, to half the length of my arm; but was
silent. Soon after Lady L---- sending to know whether her lord and she
were to attend us to the drawing-room, and I returning for answer, that I
should be glad of their company at dinner; he was in violent wrath.
True, as you are alive! and dressing himself in a great hurry, left the
house, without saying, By your leave, With your leave, or whether he
would return to dinner, or not. Very pretty doings, Harriet!
Lord and Lady L---- came to dinner, however. I thought they were very
kind, and, till they opened their lips, was going to thank them: for
then, it was all elder sister, and insolent brother-in-law, I do assure
you. Upon my word, Harriet, they took upon them. Lady L---- told me, I
might be the happiest creature in the world, if--and there was so good as
to stop.
One of the happiest only, Lady L----! Who can be happier than you?
But I, said she, should neither be so, nor deserve to be so, if--Good of
her again, to stop at if.
We cannot be all of one mind, replied I. I shall be wiser, in time.
Where was poor Lord G---- gone?
Poor Lord G---- is gone to seek his fortune, I believe.
What did I mean?
I told them the airs he had given himself; and that he was gone without
leave, or notice of return.
He had served me right, ab-solutely right, Lord L---- said.
I believed so myself. Lord G---- was a very good sort of man, and ought
not to bear with me so much as he had done: but it would be kind in them,
not to tell him what I had owned.
The earl lifted up one hand; the countess both. They had not come to
dine with me, they said, after the answer I had returned, but as they
were afraid something was wrong between us.
Mediators are not to be of one side only, I said: and as they had been so
kindly free in blaming me, I hoped they would be as free with him, when
they saw him.
And then it was, For God's sake, Charlotte; and, Let me entreat you, Lady
G----. And let me, too, beseech you, madam, said Emily, with tears
stealing down her cheeks.
You are both very good: you are a sweet girl, Emily. I have a
too-playful heart. It will give me some pain, and some pleasure; but if
I had not more pleasure than pain from my play, I should not be so silly.
My lord not coming in, and the dinner being ready, I ordered it to be
served.--Won't you wait a little longer for Lord G----? No. I hope he
is safe, and well. He is his own master, as well as mine; (I sighed, I
believe!) and, no doubt, has a paramount pleasure in pursuing his own
choice.
They raved. I begged that they would let us eat our dinner with comfort.
My lord, I hoped, would come in with a keen appetite, and Nelthorpe
should get a supper for him that he liked.
When we had dined, and retired into the adjoining drawing-room, I had
another schooling-bout: Emily was even saucy. But I took it all: yet, in
my heart, was vexed at Lord G----'s perverseness.
At last, in came the honest man. He does not read this, and so cannot
take exceptions, and I hope you will not, at the word honest.
So lordly! so stiff! so solemn!--Upon my word!--Had it not been Sunday, I
would have gone to my harpsichord directly. He bowed to Lord and Lady
L----, and to Emily, very obligingly; to me he nodded.--I nodded again;
but, like a good-natured fool, smiled. He stalked to the chimney; turned
his back towards it, buttoned up his mouth, held up his glowing face, as
if he were disposed to crow; yet had not won the battle.--One hand in his
bosom; the other under the skirt of his waistcoat, and his posture firmer
than his mind.--Yet was my heart so devoid of malice, that I thought his
attitude very genteel; and, had we not been man and wife, agreeable.
We hoped to have found your lordship at home, said Lord L----, or we
should not have dined here.
If Lord G---- is as polite a husband as a man, said I, he will not thank
your lordship for this compliment to his wife.
Lord G---- swelled, and reared himself up. His complexion, which was
before in a glow, was heightened.
Poor man! thought I.--But why should my tender heart pity obstinate
people?--Yet I could not help being dutiful.--Have you dined, my lord?
said I, with a sweet smile, and very courteous.
He stalked to the window, and never a word answered he.
Pray, Lady L----, be so good as to ask my Lord G---- if he has dined?
Was not this very condescending, on such a behaviour?
Lady L---- asked him; and as gently-voiced as if she were asking the same
question of her own lord. Lady L---- is a kind-hearted soul, Harriet.
She is my sister.
I have not, madam, to Lady L----, turning rudely from me, and, not very
civilly, from her. Ah! thought I, these men! The more they are courted
--Wretches! to find their consequence in a woman's meekness--Yet, I could
not forbear shewing mine.--Nature, Harriet! Who can resist constitution?
What stiff airs are these! approaching him.--I do assure you, my lord, I
shall not take this behaviour well; and put my hand on his arm.
I was served right. Would you believe it? The man shook off my
condescending hand, by raising his elbow scornfully. He really did!
Nay, then!--I left him, and retired to my former seat. I was vexed that
it was Sunday: I wanted a little harmony.
Lord and Lady L---- both blamed me, by their looks; and my lady took my
hand, and was leading me towards him. I shewed a little reluctance: and,
would you have thought it? out of the drawing-room whipt my nimble lord,
as if on purpose to avoid being moved by my concession.