MISS JERVOIS, TO MISS BYRON*
MONDAY, MAY 1.
* The letter to which this is an answer, as well as those written by Miss
Byron to her cousin Reeves, Lady L----, &c., and theirs in return, are
omitted.
O my dearest, my honoured Miss Byron, how you have shamed your Emily by
sending a letter to her; such a sweet letter too! before I have paid my
duty to you, in a letter of thanks for all your love to me, and for all
your kind instructions. But I began once, twice, and thrice, and wrote a
great deal each time, but could not please myself: you, madam, are such a
writer, and I am such a poor thing at my pen!--But I know you will accept
the heart. And so my very diffidence shews pride; since it cannot be
expected from me to be a fine writer: and yet this very letter, I
foresee, will be the worse for my diffidence, and not the better: for I
don't like this beginning, neither.--But come, it shall go. Am I not
used to your goodness? And do you not bid me prattle to you, in my
letters, as I used to do in your dressing-room? O what sweet advice have
you, and do you return for my silly prate! And so I will begin.
And was you grieved at parting with your Emily on Saturday morning? I am
sure I was very much concerned at parting with you. I could not help
crying all the way to town; and Lady G---- shed tears as well as I, and
so did Lady L---- several times; and said, You were the loveliest, best
young lady in the world. And we all praised likewise your aunt, your
cousin Lucy, and young Mr. Selby. How good are all your relations! They
must be good! And Lord L----, and Lord G----, for men, were as much
concerned as we, at parting with you. Mr. Reeves was so dull all the
way!--Poor Mr. Reeves, he was very dull. And Mr. Beauchamp, he praised
you to the very skies; and in such a pretty manner too! Next to my
guardian, I think Mr. Beauchamp is a very agreeable man. I fancy these
noble sisters, if the truth were known, don't like him so well as their
brother does: perhaps that may be the reason, out of jealousy, as I may
say, if there be any thing in my observation. But they are vastly civil
to him, nevertheless; yet they never praise him when his back is turned;
as they do others, who can't say half the good things that he says.
Well, but enough of Mr. Beauchamp. My guardian! my gracious, my kind, my
indulgent guardian! who, that thinks of him, can praise any body else?
O, madam! Where is he now? God protect and guide my guardian, wherever
he goes! This is my prayer, first and last, and I can't tell how often
in the day. I look for him in every place I have seen him in; [And pray
tell me, madam, did not you do so when he had left us?] and when I can't
find him, I do so sigh!--What a pleasure, yet what a pain, is there in
sighing, when I think of him! Yet I know I am an innocent girl. And
this I am sure of, that I wish him to be the husband of but one woman in
the whole world; and that is you. But then my next wish is--You know
what--Ah, my Miss Byron! you must let me live with you and my guardian,
if you should ever be Lady Grandison.
But here, madam, are sad doings sometimes, between Lord and Lady G----.
I am very angry at her often in my heart; yet I cannot help laughing,
now and then, at her out-of-the-way sayings. Is not her character a very
new one? Or are there more such young wives? I could not do as she
does, were I to be queen of the globe. Every body blames her. She will
make my lord not love her, at last. Don't you think so? And then what
will she get by her wit?
***
Just this moment she came into my closet--Writing, Emily? said she: To
whom?--I told her.--Don't tell tales out of school, Emily.--I was so
afraid that she would have asked to see what I had written: but she did
not. To be sure she is very polite, and knows what belongs to herself,
and every body else: To be ungenerous, as you once said, to her husband
only, that is a very sad thing to think of.
Well, and I would give any thing to know if you think what I have written
tolerable, before I go any farther: But I will go on in this way, since I
cannot do better. Bad is my best; but you shall have quantity, I
warrant, since you bid me write long letters.
But I have seen my mother: it was but yesterday. She was in a mercer's
shop in Covent Garden. I was in Lord L----'s chariot; only Anne was with
me. Anne saw her first. I alighted, and asked her blessing in the shop:
I am sure I did right. She blessed me, and called me dear love. I
stayed till she had bought what she wanted, and then I slid down the
money, as if it were her own doing; and glad I was I had so much about
me: It came but to four guineas. I begged her, speaking low, to forgive
me for so doing: And finding she was to go home as far as Soho, and had
thoughts of having a hackney coach called; I gave Anne money for a coach
for herself, and waited on my mother to her own lodgings; and it being
Lord L----'s chariot, she was so good as to dispense with my alighting.
She blessed my guardian all the way, and blessed me. She said, she would
not ask me to come to see her, because it might not be thought proper, as
my guardian was abroad: but she hoped, she might be allowed to come and
see me sometimes.--Was she not very good, madam? But my guardian's
goodness makes every body good.--O that my mamma had been always the
same! I should have been but too happy!
God bless my guardian, for putting me on enlarging her power to live
handsomely. Only as a coach brings on other charges, and people must
live accordingly, or be discredited, instead of credited, by it; or I
should hope the additional two hundred a-year might afford them one. Yet
one does not know but Mr. O'Hara may have been in debt before he married
her; and I fancy he has people who hang upon him. But if it pleases God,
I will not, when I am at age, and have a coach of my own, suffer my
mother to walk on foot. What a blessing is it, to have a guardian that
will second every good purpose of one's heart!
Lady Olivia is rambling about; and I suppose she will wait here in
England till Sir Charles's return: but I am sure he never will have her.
A wicked wretch, with her poniards! Yet it is pity! She is a fine
woman. But I hate her for her expectation, as well as for her poniard.
And a woman to leave her own country, to seek for a husband! I could die
before I could do so! though to such a man as my guardian. Yet once I
thought I could have liked to have lived with her at Florence. She has
some good qualities, and is very generous, and in the main well esteemed
in her own country; every body knew she loved my guardian: but I don't
know how it is; nobody blamed her for it, vast as the difference in
fortune then was. But that is the glory of being a virtuous man; to love
him is a credit, instead of a shame. O madam! Who would not be
virtuous? And that not only for their own, but for their friends sakes,
if they loved their friends, and wished them to be well thought of?
Lord W---- is very desirous to hasten his wedding.
Mr. Beauchamp says, that all the Mansfields (He knows them) bless my
guardian every day of their lives; and their enemies tremble. He has
commissions from my guardian to inquire and act in their cause, that no
time may be lost to do them service, against his return.
We have had another visit from Lady Beauchamp, and have returned it. She
is very much pleased with us: You see I say us. Indeed my two dear
ladies are very good to me; but I have no merit: it is all for their
brother's sake.
Mr. Beauchamp tells us, just now, that his mother-in-law has joined with
his father, at her own motion, to settle 1000£. a year upon him. I am
glad of it, with all my heart: Are not you? He is all gratitude upon it.
He says, that he will redouble his endeavours to oblige her; and that his
gratitude to her, as well as his duty to his father, will engage his
utmost regard for her.
Mr. Beauchamp, Sir Harry himself, and my lady, are continually blessing
my guardian: Every body, in short, blesses him.--But, ah! madam, where is
he, at this moment? O that I were a bird! that I might hover over his
head, and sometimes bring tidings to his friends of his motions and good
deeds. I would often flap my wings, dear Miss Byron, at your chamber
window, as a signal of his welfare, and then fly back again, and perch as
near him as I could.
I am very happy, as I said before, in the favour of Lady and Lord L----,
and Lady and Lord G----; but I never shall be so happy, as when I had the
addition of your charming company. I miss you and my guardian: O, how I
miss you both! But, dearest Miss Byron, love me not the less, though now
I have put pen to paper, and you see what a poor creature I am in my
writing. Many a one, I believe, may be thought tolerable in
conversation; but when they are so silly as to put pen to paper, they
expose themselves; as I have done, in this long piece of scribble. But
accept it, nevertheless, for the true love I bear you; and a truer love
never flamed in any bosom, to any one the most dearly beloved, than does
in mine for you.
I am afraid I have written arrant nonsense, because I knew not how to
express half the love that is in the heart of
Your ever-obliged and affectionate
EMILY JERVOIS.