MR. WHITE: Your facetious correspondent PERTINAX PLACID, seems so
deeply versed in what may be called _nasal music_, that I am very sure
he would have recorded, in his late communication, and in far better
style than mine, the history of a NOSE. Permit me, therefore, to
furnish him with a few "memorabilia," of this extraordinary
protuberance, (_nose_ it could not properly be called,) against his
next narrative of a nasal concert.
It was the property of a Virginia gentleman, long since dead, who had
attained, at a very early age, the enormous weight of some seven or
eight and twenty stone. It had no resemblance to that of
Slawkenbergius--as delineated by Sterne--nor to Dan Jackson's, so
frequently and fondly described by Swift--nor to that of the sensual
Bardolph, so famous in dramatic annals, for the phosphorescent quality
of shining in the dark, ascribed to it by his friend Falstaff. In
short, such was its unique conformation, that it would have defied the
skill of Dr. Taliacotius himself, even with the choice of any part of
the human body, to manufacture any thing at all like it. Although it
approached more the bulbous kind of nose, than any other, and in
shape, strongly resembled the nose of the Hippopotamus, or river
horse, it was so disproportionately small, when contrasted with the
two tumuli of flesh between which it was deeply imbedded, that it was
quite invisible to any person taking a profile view of the face, which
seemed to be literally noseless. Add to this, the projection of an
upper lip of double the usual thickness, which so nearly closed the
two apertures through which the proprietor breathed, as to render it
perfectly manifest to all beholders, that to sleep in any other way
but with his mouth at least half open, was utterly impracticable. This
accordingly, was his invariable habit; and the consequences can be
much more easily imagined, (difficult as it was,) than described. To
relate every tale that I have heard of his snoring achievements, would
certainly bring into some suspicion the veracity of those from whom I
heard them. In tender regard, therefore, for their character, I will
repeat only two; but by these alone, both you and your readers may
judge pretty well of the rest.
The first was, that on a memorable occasion, when his crater was in
full blast, his nasal explosions actually burst open a bran new door,
although the bolt of the lock was turned. At another time, it is
related of him, that arriving late at night at his favorite tavern in
Alexandria, he was conducted into a room, furnished with two beds, in
one of which was a little Frenchman, fast asleep, who had gone to rest
without any expectation of receiving a fellow lodger. Into the empty
bed the fat gentleman soon entered; and being a precious sleeper, he
remained but a few minutes awake. Much, however, and most startling
work was always to be done, before sound sleep ensued; for a prelude
was to be performed, which might aptly be compared to the fearful
sounds of a man in the agonies of death by strangulation, from the
rupture of a blood vessel. This being almost enough to awaken the
dead, we may readily suppose that the little Frenchman was instantly
aroused,--aroused too, in the utmost extremity of such terror as would
probably be caused in any one, at the idea of a murder being committed
in his room. This conviction flashed upon his mind, with all its
accompanying horror, at the moment he awoke. In the twinkling of an
eye, he sprang out of bed--not exactly "in puris naturalibus," but
certainly in a dress very unsuitable for company, and rushed headlong
down three flights of stairs, crying out at the top of his voice,
"murder! mon dieu! murder! murder!" As may well be imagined, this
produced a general rush of the lodgers from their apartments, and in
costume similar to his own.--The females were screaming in their
highest key--the men, in their far harsher tones, were roaring out,
"what's the matter? what's the matter?" while the little Frenchman
reiterated still more loudly his piteous cries of "murder! mon dieu!
murder! murder!" A scene of such indescribable confusion ensued, that
some time elapsed before the equally terrified tavern keeper, who had
joined the throng, had the least chance of unravelling the mystery. At
last, however, sufficient quiet was restored to enable him to
understand from the little Frenchman, why he had fled from his room
with such precipitation. An irrepressible burst of laughter had nearly
suffocated the poor landlord, before he could gain sufficient breath
to explain to his guests, that the whole cause of their dreadful
alarm, was nothing more than the fat gentleman's tuning and preluding
upon his nasal instrument, as was his invariable custom, preliminary
to the much deeper sleep that always followed; and which was indicated
by a combination of such unearthly sounds, that they might reasonably
thank their stars that the preparation they had received was no worse.