'IKKY-BOY COMES ALONG
Being a parent grows on you, don't it? Course, at first, when it's
sprung on you so kind of sudden, you hardly know how to act. That is, if
you're makin' your debut in the part. And I expect for a few months
there, after young Richard Hemmingway Ballard came and settled down with
Vee and me, I put up kind of a ragged amateur performance as a fond
father. All I can say about it now is I hope I didn't look as foolish as
I felt.
As for Vee, she seemed to get her lines and business perfect from the
start. Somehow young mothers do. She knew how to handle the youngster
right off; how to hold him and what to say to him when he screwed up his
face and made remarks to her that meant nothing at all to me. And she
wasn't fussed or anything when company came in and caught her at it.
Also young Master Richard seemed to be right at home from the very
first. Didn't seem surprised or strange or nervous in the presence of
a pair of parents that he found wished on him without much warnin'. Just
gazed at us as calm and matter-of-fact as if he'd known us a long time.
While me, well it must have been weeks before I got over feelin' kind of
panicky whenever I was left alone with him.
But are we acquainted now? I'll say we are. In fact, as Harry Lander
used to put it, vurra well acquainted. Chummy, I might say. Why not,
after we've stood two years of each other without any serious dispute?
Not that I'm claimin' any long-distance record as a model parent. No. I
expect I do most of the things I shouldn't and only a few of them that I
should. But 'Ikky-boy ain't a critical youngster. That's his own way of
sayin' his name and mostly we call him that. Course, he answers to
others, too; such as Old Scout, and Snoodlekins, and young Rough-houser.
I mean, he does when he ain't too busy with important enterprises; such
as haulin' Buddy, the Airedale pup, around by the ears; or spoonin' in
milk and cereal, with Buddy watchin' hopeful for sideslips; or pullin'
out the spool drawer of Vee's work table.
It's been hinted to us by thoughtful friends who have all the scientific
dope on bringin' up children, although most of 'em never had any of
their own, that this is all wrong. Accordin' to them we ought to start
right in makin' him drop whatever he's doin' and come to us the minute
we call. Maybe we should, too. But that ain't the way it works out, for
generally, we don't want anything special, and he seems so wrapped up in
his private little affairs that it don't seem worth while breakin' in
on his program. Course, maulin' Buddy around may seem to us like a
frivolous pastime, but how can you tell if it ain't the serious business
in life to 'Ikky-boy just then? Besides, Buddy seems to like it. So as a
rule we let 'em finish the game.
But there is one time each day when he's always ready to quit any kind
of fun and come toddlin' with his hands stretched out and a wide grin on
his chubby little face. That's along about 6:15 when I blow in from
town. Then he's right there with the merry greetin' and the friendly
motions. Also his way of addressin' his male parent would give another
jolt to a lot of people, I suppose.
"Hi, Torchy!" That's his favorite hail.
"Reddy yourself, you young freshy," I'm apt to come back at him.
Followin' which I scooch to meet his flyin' tackle and we roll on the
rug in a clinch, with Buddy yappin' delighted and mixin' in
promiscuously. Finally we end up on the big davenport in front of the
fireplace and indulge in a few minutes of lively chat.
"Well, 'Ikky-boy, how you and Buddy been behavin' yourselves, eh?" I'll
ask. "Which has been the worst cut-up today, eh?"
"Buddy bad dog," he'll say, battin' him over the head with a pink fist.
"See?" And he'll exhibit a tear in his rompers or a chewed sleeve.
"Huh! I'll bet it's been fifty-fifty, you young rough-houser," I'll
say. "Who do you like best around this joint, anyway?"
"Buddy," is always the answer.
"And next?" I'll demand.
"Mamma," he'll say.
"Hey, where do I come in?" I'll ask, shakin' him.
Then he'll screw up his mouth mischievous and say: "Torchy come in door.
Torchy, Torchy!"
I'll admit Vee ain't so strong for all this. His callin' me Torchy, I
mean. She does her best, too, to get him to change it to Daddy. But that
word don't seem to be on 'Ikky-boy's list at all. He picked up the
Torchy all by himself and he seems to want to stick to it. I don't mind.
Maybe it ain't just the thing for a son and heir to spring on a
perfectly good father, chucklin' over it besides, but it sounds quite
all right to me. Don't hurt my sense of dignity a bit.
And it looks like he'll soon come to be called young Torchy himself.
Uh-huh. For a while there Vee was sure his first crop of hair, which was
wheat colored like hers, was goin' to be the color scheme of his
permanent thatch. But when the second growth begun to show up red she
had to revise her forecast. Now there's no doubt of his achievin' a
pink-plus set of wavy locks that'll make a fresh-painted fire hydrant
look faded. They're gettin' brighter and brighter and I expect in time
they'll show the same new copper kettle tints that mine do.
"I don't care," says Vee "I rather like it."
"That's the brave talk, Vee!" says I. "It may be all he'll inherit from
me, but it ain't so worse at that. With that hair in evidence there
won't be much danger of his being lost in a crowd. Folks will remember
him after one good look. Besides, it's always sort of cheerin' on a
rainy day. He'll be able to brighten up the corner where he is without
any dope from Billy Sunday. Course, he'll be joshed a lot about it, but
that'll mean he'll either have to be a good scrapper or develop an
easy-grin disposition, so he wins both ways."
The only really disappointed member of the fam'ly is Vee's Auntie. Last
time she was out here she notices the change in 'Ikky-boy's curls and
sighs over it.
"I had hoped," says she, "that the little fellow's hair would be--well,
of a different shade."
"Sort of a limousine body-black, eh?" says I. "Funny it ain't, too."
"But he will be so--so conspicuous," she goes on.
"There are advantages," says I, "in carryin' your own spotlight with
you. Now take me."
But Auntie only sniffs and changes the subject.
She's a grand old girl, though. A little hard to please, I'll admit.
I've been at it quite some time, but it's only now and then I can do
anything that seems to strike her just right. Mostly she disapproves of
me, and she's the kind that ain't a bit backward about lettin' you know.
Her remarks here the other day when she arrives to help celebrate Master
Richard's second birthday will give you an idea.
You see, she happens to be in the living room when me and 'Ikky-boy has
our reg'lar afternoon reunion. Might be we went at it a little stronger
and rougher than usual, on account of the youngster's havin' been held
quiet in her lap for a half hour or so.
"Hi, hi, ol' Torchy, Torchy!" he shouts, grippin' both hands into my
hair gleeful.
"Burny burn!" says I makin' a hissin' noise.
"Yah, yah! 'Ikky-boy wanna ride hossy," says he.
"And me with my trousers just pressed!" says I. "Say, where do you get
that stuff?"
"I must say," comes in Auntie, "that I don't consider that the proper
way to talk to a child."
"Oh, he don't mind," says I.
"But he is so apt to learn such expressions and use them himself," says
she.
"Yes, he picks up a lot," says I. "He's clever that way. Aren't you, you
young tarrier?"
"Whe-e-e!" says 'Ikky-boy, slidin' off my knee to make a dive at Buddy
and roll him on the floor.
"One should speak gently to a child," says Auntie, "and use only the
best English."
"I might be polite to him," says I, "if he'd be polite to me, but that
don't seem to be his line."
Auntie shrugs her shoulders and gives us up as hopeless. We're in bad
with her, both of us, and I expect if there'd been a lawyer handy she'd
revised her will on the spot. Honest, it's lucky the times she's decided
to cross me off as one of her heirs don't show on me anywhere or I'd be
notched up like a yardstick, and if I'd done any worryin' over these
spells of hers I'd be an albino from the ears up. But when she starts
castin' the cold eye at Richard Hemmingway I almost works up that guilty
feelin' and wonders if maybe I ain't some to blame.
"You ain't overlookin, the fact, are you, Auntie," I suggests, "that
he's about 100 per cent. boy? He's full of pep and jump and go, same as
Buddy, and he's just naturally got to let it out."
"I fail to see," says Auntie, "how teaching him to use slang is at all
necessary. As you know, that is something of which I distinctly
disapprove."
"Now that you remind me," says I, "seems I have heard you say something
of the kind before. And take it from me I'm going to make a stab at
trainin' him different. Right now. Richard, approach your father."
'Ikky-boy lets loose of Buddy's collar and stares at me impish.
"Young man," says I severe, "I want you to lay off that slang stuff.
Ditch it. It ain't lady like or refined. And in future when you converse
with your parents see that you do it respectful and proper. Get me?"
At which 'Ikky-boy looks bored. "Whee!" he remarks boisterous, makin' a
grab for Buddy's stubby tail and missin' it.
"Perfectly absurd!" snorts Auntie, retirin' haughty to the bay window.
"Disqualified!" says I, under my breath. "Might as well go the limit,
Snoodlekins. We'll have to grow up in our own crude way."
That was the state of affairs when this Mrs. Proctor Butt comes crashin'
in on the scene of our strained domestic relations. Trust her to appear
at just the wrong time. Mrs. Buttinski I call her, and she lives up to
the name.
She's a dumpy built blond party, Mrs. Proctor Butt, with projectin'
front teeth, bulgy blue eyes and a hurried, trottin' walk like a duck
makin' for a pond. Her chief aim in life seems to be to be better posted
on your affairs than you are yourself, and, of course, that keeps her
reasonably busy. Also she's a lady gusher from Gushville. Now, I don't
object to havin' a conversational gum drop tossed at me once in a while,
sort of offhand and casual. But that ain't Mrs. Buttinski's method. She
feeds you raw molasses with a mixin' spoon. Just smears you with it.
"Isn't it perfectly wonderful," says she, waddlin' in fussy, "that your
dear darling little son should be two years old? Do you know, Mrs.
Robert Ellins just told me of what an important day it was in the lives
of you two charming young people, so I came right over to congratulate
you. And here I discover you all together in your beautiful little home,
proud father and all. How fortunate!"
As she's beamin' straight at me I has to give her some comeback. "Yes,
you're lucky, all right," says I. "Another minute and you wouldn't found
me here, for I was just----"
Which is where I gets a frown and a back-up signal from Vee. She don't
like Mrs. Proctor Butt a bit more'n I do but she ain't so frank about
lettin' her know it.
"Oh, please don't run away," begs Mrs. Butt. "You make such an ideal
young couple. As I tell Mr. Butt, I just can't keep my eyes off you two
whenever I see you out together."
"I'm sure that's nice of you to say so," says Vee, blushin'.
"Oh, every one thinks the same of you, my dear," says the lady. "Only I
simply can't keep such things to myself. I have such an impulsive
nature. And I adore young people and children, positively adore them.
And now where is the darling little baby that I haven't seen for months
and months? You'll forgive my running in at this unseasonable hour, I
know, but I just couldn't wait another day to--oh, there he is, the
darling cherub! And isn't that a picture for an artist?"
He'd have to be some rapid-fire paint slinger if he was to use 'Ikky-boy
as a model just then for him and Buddy was havin' a free-for-all mix-up
behind the davenport that nothing short of a movie camera would have
done justice to.
"Oh, you darling little fellow!" she gurgles on. "I must hold you in my
arms just a moment. Please, mother mayn't I?"
"I--I'm afraid you would find him rather a lively armful just now,"
warns Vee. "You see, when he gets to playing with Buddy he's apt to----"
"Oh, I sha'n't mind a bit," says Mrs. Butt. "Besides, the little dears
always seem to take to me. Do let me have him for a moment?"
"You get him, Torchy," says Vee.
So after more or less maneuverin' I untangles the two, shuts Buddy in
another room, and deposits 'Ikky-boy, still kickin' and strugglin'
indignant, in whatever lap Mrs. Butt has to offer.
Then she proceeds to rave over him. It's enough to make you seasick.
Positively. "Oh, what exquisite silky curls of spun gold!" she gushes.
"And such heavenly big blue eyes with the long lashes, and his 'ittle
rosebud mousie. O-o-o-o-o!"
From that on all she spouts is baby talk, while she mauls and paws him
around like he was a sack of meal. I couldn't help glancin' at Auntie,
for that's one thing she and Vee have agreed on, that strangers wasn't
to be allowed to take any such liberties with baby. Besides, Auntie
never did have any use for this Mrs. Butt anyway and hardly speaks to
her civil when she meets her. Now Auntie is squirmin' in her chair and I
can guess how her fingers are itchin' to rescue the youngster.
"Um precious 'ittle sweetums, ain't oo?" gurgles Mrs. Butt, rootin' him
in the stomach with her nose. "Won't um let me tiss um's tweet 'ittle
pinky winky toes?"
She's just tryin' to haul off one of his shoes when 'Ikky-boy cuts loose
with the rough motions, fists and feet both in action, until she has to
straighten up to save her hat and her hair.
"Dess one 'ittle toe-tiss?" she begs.
"Say," demands 'Ikky-boy, pushin' her face away fretful, "where oo get
'at stuff?"
"Wha-a-at?" gasps Mrs. Butt.
"Lay off 'at, tant you?" says he "Oo--oo give 'Ikky-boy a big pain, Oo
does. G'way!"
"Why, how rude!" says Mrs. Butt, gazin' around bewildered; and then, as
she spots that approvin' smile on Auntie's face, she turns red in the
ears.
Say, I don't know when I've seen the old girl look so tickled over
anything. What she's worked up is almost a grin. And there's no doubt
that Mrs. Butt knows why it's there.
"Of course," says she, "if you approve of such language----" and handin'
the youngster over to Vee she straightens her lid and makes a quick
exit.
"Bing!" says I. "I guess we got a slap on the wrist that time."
"I don't care a bit," says Vee, holdin' her chin well up. "She had no
business mauling baby in that fashion."
"I ain't worryin' if she never comes back," says I, "only I'd just
promised Auntie to train 'Ikky-boy to talk different and----"
"Under similar provocation," says Auntie, "I might use the same
expressions--if I knew how."
"Hip, hip, for Auntie!" I sings out. "And as for your not knowin' how,
that's easy fixed. 'Ikky-boy and I will give you lessons."
And say, after he'd finished his play and was about ready to be tucked
into his crib, what does the young jollier do but climb up in Auntie's
lap and cuddle down folksy, all on his own motion.
"Do you like your old Auntie, Richard?" she asks, smoothin' his red
curls gentle.
"Uh-huh," says 'Ikky-boy, blinkin' up at her mushy. "Oo's a swell
Auntie."
Are we back in the will again? I'll guess we are.