FINDING OUT ABOUT BUDDY
The best alibi I can think up is that I did it offhand and casual.
Somehow, at the time it didn't seem like what people would call an
important step in my career. No. Didn't strike me that way at all.
Looked like a side issue, a trifle. There was no long debate over
whether I would or wouldn't, no fam'ly council, no advice from friends.
Maybe I took a second look, might have rubbed my chin thoughtful once,
and then I said I would.
But most of the big stuff, come to think of it, gets put over like that;
from gettin' engaged to havin' the news handed you that you're a
grand-daddy. Course, you might be workin' up to it for a long time, but
you're so busy on other lines that you hardly notice. Then all of a
sudden--Bing! Lots of young hicks' start in on a foxtrot all free and
clear, and before the orchestra has swung into the next one-step they've
said the fatal words that gets 'em pushing a baby carriage within a
year. Same with a lot of other moves that count big.
Gettin' Buddy wished on us, for instance. I remember, I wasn't payin'
much attention to what the barber was sayin'. You don't have to, you
know; 'specially when they're like Joe Sarello, who generally has a lot
to say. He'd been discoursin' on several subjects--how his cousin Carmel
was gettin' on with his coal and wood business up in New Rochelle, what
the League of Nations really ought to do to the Zecho-Slovacks, how much
the landlord has jumped his rent, and so on.
Then he begun talkin' about pups. I was wonderin' if Joe wasn't taking
too much hair off the sides, just above the ears. He's apt to when he
gets runnin' on. Still, I'd rather take a chance with him than get my
trimmin' done in the big shop at the arcade of the Corrugated Buildin',
where they shift their shear and razor artists so often you hardly get
to know one by sight before he's missin'. But Joe Sarello, out here at
Harbor Hills, with his little two-chair joint opposite the station, he's
a fixture, a citizen. If he gets careless and nicks you on the ear you
can drop in every mornin' and roast him about it. Besides, when he opens
a chat he don't have to fish around and guess whether you're a reg'lar
person with business in town, or if you're a week-end tourist just blown
in from Oconomowoc or Houston. He knows all about you, and the family,
and your kitchen help, and about Dominick, who does your outside work
and tends the furnace.
He was tellin' me that his litter of pups was comin' on fine. I expect I
says "Uh-huh," or something like that. The news didn't mean much to me.
I was about as thrilled as if he'd been quotin' the f. o. b. price of
new crop Brazil nuts. In fact, he'd mentioned this side line of his
before. Barberin' for commuters left him more or less time for such
enterprises. But it might have been Angora goats he was raisin', or
water buffalo, or white mice.
"You no lika da dogs, hey?" asks Joe, kind of hurt.
"Eh?" says I, starin' critical into the mirror to see if he hadn't
amputated more from the left side than the right. "Oh sure! I like dogs
well enough. That is, real doggy dogs; not these little imitation parlor
insects, like Poms and Pekes and such. Ain't raisin' that kind, are you,
Joe?"
Joe chuckles, unbuttons me from the apron, brushes a lot of short hair
down my neck, and holds a hand mirror so I can get a rear elevation view
of my noble dome. "Hah!" says he. "You must see. I show you dogs what is
dogs. Come."
And after I've retrieved my collar and tie I follows him out back where
in a lean-to shed he has a chicken wire pen with a half dozen or so of
as cute, roly-poly little puppies as you'd want to see. They're sort of
rusty brown and black, with comical long heads and awkward big paws, and
stubby tails. And the way they was tumbling over each other, tryin' to
chew with their tiny teeth, and scrimmagin' around like so many boys
playin' football in a back lot--well, I couldn't help snickerin' just
watchin' 'em for a minute.
"All spoke for but dees wan," says Joe, fishing out one of the lot.
"Meester Parks he pick heem first wan, but now he hafta go by Chicago
and no can take. Fine chance for you. With beeg place like you got you
need good watch dog. Hey? What you say?"
"What's the breed, Joe?" I asks.
Joe gawps at me disgusted. I expect such ignorance was painful. "Wot
kind?" says he. "Wot you t'ink? Airedale."
"Oh, yes! Of course, Airedales," says I, like it was something I'd
forgotten.
And then I scratches my head. Hadn't I heard Vee sayin' how she liked
some particular kind of a dog? And wasn't it this kind? Why, sure, it
was. Well, why not? Joe says they're all ready to be delivered, just
weaned and everything.
"I'll go you," says I. "How much?"
Say, I had to gasp when Joe names his bargain price. You see, I'd never
been shoppin' for dogs before, and I hadn't kept track of the puppy
market quotations. Course, I knew that some of these fancy, full-grown
specimens of classy breeds brought big money at times. But little pups
like this, that you could hold in your hand, or tuck into your overcoat
pocket--why, my idea was the people who had 'em sort of distributed 'em
around where they would have good homes; or else in the case of a party
like Joe you might slip him a five or a ten.
No, I ain't tellin' what I paid. Not to anybody. But after sayin' what I
had I couldn't back out without feelin' like a piker. And when Joe says
confidential how he's knockin' off ten at that I writes out the check
more or less cheerful.
"Ought to be good blood in him, at that figure," I suggests.
"Heem!" says Joe. "He got pedigree long lak your arm. Hees mothair ees
from Lady Glen Ellen III., hees father ees blue ribbon winner two tam,
Laird Ben Nevis, what was sell for----"
"Yes, I expect the fam'ly hist'ry's all right," I breaks in. "I'll take
your word for it. But what do we feed him--dog biscuit?"
"No, no!" says Joe. "Not yet. Some bread wit' milk warm up in pan.
T'ree, four tam a day. Bymeby put in leetle scrap cook meat an' let him
have soup bone for chew. Mus' talk to heem all tam. He get wise quick.
You see."
"You flatter me, Joe," says I. "Nobody ever got wise from my talkin' to
'em. Might be interestin' to try it on a pup, though. So long."
And as I strolls along home with this warm, wriggly bunch of fur in the
crook of my arm I get more and more pleased with myself. As I dopes it
out I ought to make quite a hit, presenting Vee with something she's
been wantin' a long time. Almost as though I'd had it raised special
for her, and had been keepin' it secret for months. Looked like I was
due to acquire merit in the domestic circle, great gobs of it.
"Hey, Vee!" I sings out, as soon as I've opened the livin' room door.
"Come see what I've brought you."
She wasn't long coming, and I got to admit that when I displays Mr. Pup
the expected ovation don't come off. I don't get mixed up in any fond
and impetuous embrace. No. If I must tell the truth she stands there
with her mouth open starin' at me and it.
"Why--why, Torchy!" she gasps. "A puppy?"
"Right, first guess," says I. "By the way you're gawpin' at it, though,
it might be a young zebra or a baby hippopotamus. But it's just a mere
puppy. Airedale."
"Oh!" says Vee, gaspier than ever. "An--an Airedale?"
"Well?" says I. "Wasn't that the kind I've heard you boostin' all
along?"
"Ye-e-es," says she, draggy, "I--I suppose it was. And I do admire them
very much, but--well, I hadn't really thought of owning one. They--they
are such strenuous dogs, you know; and with the baby and all----"
"Say, take a look!" I breaks in. "Does this one size up like he was a
child eater? Here, heft him once." And I hands him over.
Course, it ain't five minutes before she's cuddlin' him up and cooin' to
him, and he's gnawing away at her thumb with his little puppy teeth.
"Such a dear!" says Vee. "And we could keep him out in the garage, and
have Dominick look after him, couldn't we? For they get to be such big
dogs, you know."
"Do they?" says I.
I didn't see quite how they could. Why, this one was about big enough to
go in a hat, that's all, and he was nearly two months old. But say, what
I didn't know about Airedale pups was a heap. Grow! Honest, you could
almost watch him lengthen out and fill in. Yet for a couple of weeks
there he was no more'n a kitten, and just as cute and playful. Every
night after dinner I'd spend about an hour rollin' him over on his back
and lettin' him bite away at my bare hand. He liked to get hold of my
trouser leg, or Vee's dress, or the couch cover, or anything else that
was handy, and tug away and growl. Reg'lar circus to see him.
And then I begun to find scratches on my hands. The little rascal was
gettin' a full set of puppy teeth. Sharp as needles, too. I noticed a
few threads pulled out of my sleeve. And once when he got a good grip on
Vee's skirt he made a rip three inches long. But he was so cunnin' about
it we only laughed.
"You young rough houser!" I'd say, and push him over. He'd come right
back for more, though, until he was tuckered and then he'd stretch out
on something soft and sleep with one paw over his nose while we watched
admirin'.
We had quite a time findin' a name for him. I got Joe to give his
pedigree all written out and we was tryin' to dope out from that
something that would sound real Scotch. Vee got some kennel catalogues,
too, and read over some of those old Ian MacLaren stories for names, but
we couldn't hit on one that just suited. Meanwhile I begins callin' him
Buddy, as the boys did everybody in the army, and finally Vee insists
that it's exactly the name for him.
"He's so rough and ready," says she.
"He's rough, all right," says I, examinin' a new tooth mark on the back
of my hand.
And he kept on gettin' rougher. What he really needed, I expect, was a
couple of cub bears to exercise his teeth and paws on; good, husky,
tough-skinned ones, at that. Not havin' 'em he took it out on us. Oh,
yes. Not that he was to blame, exactly. We'd started him that way, and
he seemed to like the taste of me 'specially.
"They're one-man dogs, you know," says Vee.
"Meanin'," says I, "that they like to chew one man at a time. See my
right wrist. Looks like I'd shoved it through a pane of glass. Hey, you
tarrier! Lay off me for a minute, will you? For the love of soup eat
something else. Here's a slipper. Now go to it."
And you should see him shake and worry that around the room. Almost as
good as a vaudeville act--until I discovers that he's gnawed a hole
clear through the toe. "Gosh!" says I. "My favorite slipper, too."
At four months he was no longer a handful. He was a lapful, and then
some. Somewhere near twenty-five pounds, as near as we could judge by
holding him on the bathroom scales for the fraction of a second. And
much too lively for any lap. Being cuddled wasn't his strong point.
Hardly. He'd be all over you in a minute, clawin' you in the face with
his big paws and nippin' your ear or grabbin' a mouthful of hair; all
playful enough, but just as gentle as being tackled by a quarterback on
an end run.
And he was gettin' wise, all right. He knew to the minute when mealtime
came around, and if he wasn't let out on the kitchen porch where his
chow was served he thought nothing of scratchin' the paint off a door or
tryin' to chew the knob. Took only two tries to teach him to stand up on
his hind legs and walk for his meals, as straight as a drum major. Also
he'd shake hands for a bit of candy, and retrieve a rubber ball. But
chiefly he delighted to get a stick of soft wood and go prancin' through
the house with it, rappin' the furniture or your shins as he went, and
end up by chewin' it to bits on the fireplace hearth rug. Or it might be
a smelly old bone that he'd smuggled in from outside. You could guess
that would get Vee registerin' a protest and I'd have to talk to Buddy.
"Hey!" I'd remark, grabbin' him by the collar. "Whaddye think this is, a
soap fact'ry? Leggo that shin-bone."
"Gr-r-r-r!" he'd remark back, real hostile, and roll his eyes menacin'.
At which Vee would snicker and observe: "Now isn't he the dearest thing
to do that, Torchy? Do let him have his booful bone there. I'll spread a
newspaper under it."
Her theory was good, only Buddy didn't care to gnaw his bone on an
evening edition. He liked eatin' it on the Turkish rug better. And
that's where he did eat it. That was about the way his trainin' worked
out in other things. We had some perfectly good ideas about what he
should do; he'd have others, quite different; and we'd compromise. That
is, we'd agree that Buddy was right. Seemed to me about the only thing
to do, unless you had all day or all night to argue with him and show
him where he was wrong. I could keep it up for an hour or two. Then I
either got hoarse or lost my disposition.
You remember there was some talk of keepin' him in the garage at first.
Anyway, it was mentioned. And he was kept there the first night, until
somewhere around 2 A. M. Then I trailed out in a bathrobe and slippers
and lugged him in. He'd howled for three hours on a stretch and seemed
to be out for the long-distance championship. Not havin' looked up the
past performances in non-stop howlin' I couldn't say whether he'd hung
up a new record or not. I was willin' to concede the point. Besides, I
wanted a little sleep, even if he didn't. I expect we was lucky that he
picks out a berth behind the kitchen stove as the proper place for him
to snooze. He might have fancied the middle of our bed. If he had, we'd
camped on the floor, I suppose.
Another good break for us was the fact that he was willin' to be
tethered out daytimes on a wire traveler that Dominick fixed up for him.
Course, he did dig up a lot of Vee's favorite dahlia bulbs, and he
almost undermined a corner of the kitchen wing when he set out to put a
choice bone in cold storage, but he was so comical when he tamped the
bone down with his nose that Vee didn't complain.
"We can have the hole filled in and sodded over next spring," says Vee.
"Huh!" I says. "By next spring he'll be big enough to tunnel clear under
the house."
Looked like he would. At five months Buddy weighed 34 pounds and to
judge by his actions most of him was watchspring steel geared in high
speed. He was as hard as nails all over and as quick-motioned as a cat.
I'd got into the habit of turnin' him loose when I came home and
indulgin' in a half hour's rough house play with him. Buddy liked that.
He seemed to need it in his business of growin' up. If I happened to
forget, he wasn't backward in remindin' me of the oversight. He'd
developed a bark that was sort of a cross between an automobile shrieker
and throwin' a brick through a plate glass window, and when he put his
whole soul into expressin' his feelin's that way everybody within a mile
needed cotton in their ears. So I'd drape myself in an old raincoat, put
on a pair of heavy drivin' gauntlets, and frisk around with him.
No doubt about Buddy's being glad to see me on them occasions. His
affection was deep and violent. He'd let out a few joy yelps, take a
turn around the yard, and then come leapin' at me with his mouth open
and his eyes rollin' wild. My part of the game was to grab him by the
back of the neck and throw him before he could sink his teeth into any
part of me. Sometimes I missed. That was a point for Buddy. Then I'd pry
his jaws loose and he'd dash off for another circle. I couldn't say how
the score averaged. I was too busy to keep count. About fifty-fifty
would be my guess. Anyway, it did Buddy a lot of good and must have been
fine practice. If he ever has to stop an offensive on the part of an
invadin' bull-dog he'll be in good trim. He'd tackle one, all right. The
book we bought says that an Airedale will go up a tree after a mountain
lion. I can believe it. I've never seen Buddy tuck his tail down for
anything on four legs. Yet he ain't the messy kind. He don't seem
anxious to start anything. But I'll bet he'd be a hard finisher.
And he sure is a folksy dog with the people he knows around the house.
Most of 'em he treats gentler than he does me, which shows that he's got
some sense. And when it comes to the baby; why, say, he'll gaze as
admirin' at young Master Richard toddlin' around as if he was some blood
relation; followin' him everywhere, with that black nose nuzzled under
one of the youngster's arms, or with a sleeve held tender in his teeth.
Any kid at all Buddy is strong for. He'll leave a bone or his play any
time he catches sight of one, and go prancin' around 'em, waggin' his
stubby tail friendly and inviting 'em to come have a romp.
Maybe you wouldn't accuse Buddy of being handsome. I used to think
Airedales was about the homeliest dogs on the list. Mostly, you know,
they're long on nose. It starts between their ears and extends straight
out for about a foot. Gives 'em kind of a simple expression. But you get
a good look into them brown eyes of Buddy's, 'specially when he's
listenin' to you with his head cocked on one side and an ear turned
wrong side out, and you'll decide he must have some gray matter
concealed somewhere. Then there's that black astrakan coat-effect on his
back, and the clean-cut lines of his deep chest and slim brown legs,
which are more or less decorative. Anyway he got so he looked kind of
good to me.
Like people, though, Buddy had his bad days. Every once in a while his
fondness for chewin' things would get him in wrong. Then he'd have to
be scolded. And you can't tell me he don't know the meanin' of the words
when you call him a "bad, bad dog." No, sir. Why, he'd drop his head and
tail and sneak into a corner as if he'd been struck with a whip. And
half an hour later he'd be up to the same sort of mischief. I asked Joe
Sarello about it.
"Ah!" says Joe, shruggin' his shoulders. "Hees puppy yet. Wanna do w'at
he lak, all tam. He know better, but he strong in the head. You gotta
beat him up good. No can hurt. Tough lak iron. Beat him up."
But Vee won't have it. I didn't insist. I didn't care much for the job.
So Buddy gets off by being informed stern that he'd a bad, bad dog.
And then here the other day I comes home to find Buddy locked in the
garage and howlin' indignant. Vee says he mustn't be let out, either.
"What's the idea?" I asks.
Then I gets the whole bill of complaint. It seems Buddy has started the
day by breakin' loose from his wire and chasin' the chickens all over
the place. He'd cornered our pet Rhode Island Red rooster and nipped out
a mouthful of tail feathers. It took the whole household and some of the
neighbors to get him to quit that little game.
This affair had almost been forgiven and he was havin' his lunch on the
back porch when Vee's Auntie blows in unexpected for a little visit.
Before anybody has time to stop him Buddy is greetin' her in his usual
impetuous manner. He does it by plantin' his muddy forepaws in three
places on the front of her dress and then grabbin' her gold lorgnette
playful, breakin' the chain, and runnin' off with the loot.
I expect that was only Buddy's idea of letting her know that he welcomed
her as a member of the fam'ly in good standin'. But Auntie takes it
different. She asks Vee why we allow a "horrible beast like that to run
at large." She's a vivid describer, Auntie. She don't mind droppin' a
word of good advice now and then either. While she's being sponged off
and brushed down she recommends that we get rid of such a dangerous
animal as that at once.
So Buddy is tied up again outside. But it appears to be his day for
doing the wrong thing. Someone has hung Vee's best evenin' wrap out on a
line to air after having a spot cleaned. It's the one with the silver
fox fur on the collar. And it's hung where Buddy can just reach it.
Well, you can guess the rest. Any kind of a fox, deceased or otherwise,
is fair game for Buddy. It's right in his line. And when they discovered
what he was up to there wasn't a piece of that fur collar big enough to
make an ear muff. Parts of the wrap might still be used for polishin'
the silver. Buddy seemed kind of proud of the thorough job he'd made.
Well, Vee had been 'specially fond of that wrap. She'd sort of blown
herself when she got it, and you know how high furs have gone to these
days. I expect she didn't actually weep, but she must have been near it.
And there was Auntie with more stern advice. She points out how a brute
dog with such destructive instincts would go on and on, chewin' up first
one valuable thing and then another, until we'd have nothing left but
what we had on.
Buddy had been tried and found guilty in the first degree. Sentence had
been passed. He must go.
"Perhaps your barber friend will take him back," says Vee. "Or the
Ellinses might want him. Anyway, he's impossible. You must get rid of
him tonight. Only I don't wish to know how, or what becomes of him."
"Very well," says I, "if that's the verdict."
I loads Buddy ostentatious into the little roadster and starts off, with
him wantin' to sit all over me as usual, or else drapin' himself on the
door half-way out of the car. Maybe I stopped at Joe Sarello's, maybe I
only called at the butcher's and collected a big, juicy shin-bone.
Anyway, it was' after dark when I got back and when I came in to dinner
I was alone.
The table chat that evenin' wasn't quite as lively as it generally is.
And after we'd been sitting around in the livin' room an hour or so with
everything quiet, Vee suddenly lets loose with a sigh, which is a new
stunt for her. She ain't the sighin' kind. But there's no mistake about
this one.
"Eh?" says I, lookin' up.
"I--I hope you found him a good home," says she.
"Oh!" says I. "The impossible beast? Probably as good as he deserves."
Then we sat a while longer.
"Little Richard was getting very fond of him," Vee breaks out again.
"Uh-huh," says I.
We went upstairs earlier than usual. There wasn't so much to do about
gettin' ready--no givin' Buddy a last run outside, or makin' him shake a
good night with his paw, or seein' that he had water in his dish.
Nothing but turnin' out the lights. Once, long after Vee should have
been asleep. I thought I heard her snifflin', but I dozed off again
without makin' any remark.
I must have been sawin' wood good and hard, too, when I wakes up to find
her shakin' me by the shoulder.
"Listen, Torchy," she's sayin'. "Isn't that Buddy's bark?"
"Eh? Buddy?" says I. "How could it be?"
"But it is!" she insists. "It's coming from the garage, too."
"Well, that's odd," says I. "Maybe I'd better go out and see."
I was puzzled all right, in spite of the fact that I'd left him there
with his bone and had made Dominick promise to stick around and quiet
him if he began yelpin'. But this wasn't the way Buddy generally barked
when he was indignant. He was lettin' 'em out short and crisp. They
sounded different somehow, more like business. And the light was turned
on in the garage!
First off I thought Dominick must be there. Maybe I wouldn't have dashed
out so bold if I'd doped it out any other way. I hadn't thought of car
thieves. Course, there had been some cases around, mostly young hicks
from the village stealin' joy-rides. But I hadn't worried about their
wantin' to take my little bus. So I arrives on the jump.
And there in a corner of the garage are two young toughs, jumpin' and
dodgin' at a lively rate, with Buddy sailin' into 'em for all he's worth
and givin' out them quick short battle cries. One of the two has just
managed to get hold of a three-foot length of galvanized water pipe and
is swingin' vicious at Buddy when I crashes in.
Well, we had it hectic for a minute or so there, but it turns out a draw
with no blood shed, although I think Buddy and I could have made 'em
sorry they came if they hadn't made a break and got past us. And when we
gets back to where Vee is waitin' with the fire-poker in her hand Buddy
still waves in his teeth a five-inch strip of brown mixture trousering.
"You blessed, blessed Buddy!!" says Vee, after she's heard the tale.
Oh, yes, Buddy finished the night behind the stove in the kitchen. I
guess he's kind of earned his right to that bunk. Course, he ain't
sprouted any wings yet, but he's gettin' so the sight of a switch waved
at him works wonders. Some day, perhaps, he'll learn to be less careless
what he exercises them sharp teeth of his on. Last night it was the
leather covering on the library couch--chewed a hole half as big as your
hand.
"Never mind," says Vee. "We can keep a cushion over it."