IN WHICH THE READER IS INTRODUCED TO SOME OF THE AUTHOR'S
FRIENDS.--THE ENGLISHMAN'S CASTLE.
"Are you aware, honorable and honored Sir John," said Dr. Keif, as he
moved his chair nearer to the fire, "are you aware that I am strongly
tempted to hate this country of yours?"
"Indeed!" replied Sir John, with a slight elongation of his
good-humoured face. "Really, Sir, you are quick of feeling. You have
been exactly two hours in London. Wait, compare, and judge. There are
thousands of your countrymen in London, and none of them ever think of
going back to Germany."
"And for good reasons too," muttered the Doctor.
"May I ask," said Sir John, after a short pause, "what can have shocked
you in England within two hours after your arrival?"
"Look at this cigar, sir! It won't burn, has a bad smell, drops its
ashes--and costs four times as much as a decent cigar in my own country.
Can you, in the face of this villanous cigar, muster the courage to talk
to me of your government and your constitution? This cigar, Sir, proves
that your boasted civilisation is sheer barbarity,--that your Cobden is
a humbug, and your free-trade a monstrous sham!"
"Does it indeed prove all that? Very well, Sir German," cried Sir John,
with a futile attempt to imitate the martial and inquisitorial bearing
of an Austrian _gendarme_. "Come, show me your passport! Did any one
here ask for it? Did they send you to the Guildhall for a _carte de
sureté_? Have the police expelled you from London? It's either one thing
or the other. It's either sterling liberty and cabbage-leaf cigars, or
real Havanas and all the miseries of your police. Take your choice,
sir."
"But I cannot take my choice, sir!" cried Dr. Keif. "They have hunted me
as you would hunt a fox, across all their fences of boundary lines to
the shores of the ocean, and into the very maw of that green-eyed
monster, Sea-sickness, which cast me forth vomiting on this barbarous
island, where men smoke lettuce and call it tobacco!" saying which, the
doctor flung his cigar into the grate, and sung, "_Was ist des Deutschen
Vaterland?_"
But the reader will most naturally ask, Who is this comical doctor, and
who is Sir John?
To which I make reply--they are two amiable and honest men who met on
the Continent years ago, and who, after a long separation, met again in
the heart of London, in Guildford-street, Russell-square.
Dr. Keif is an Austrian and a journalist. There is good in all, but none
are all good. Dr. Keif makes no exception to the common rule. He was so
far prejudiced as to write a batch of very neat _Feuilletons_, in which
he asserted that the Croats did not altogether conduct themselves with
grace at the sacking of Vienna, and that the Bohemian Czechs are not the
original race which gave birth to all the nations of the earth. He
denied also that German literature and science have ever been fostered
by the Servians; he alleged that Göthe had done more for the advancement
of science than the twenty-first battalion of the Royal and Imperial
Grenadiers, and he was abandoned enough to avow his opinion that a bad
government is worse than a good one. On account of these very
objectionable prejudices, the Doctor was summoned forthwith to depart
from Leipzig in Saxony, where he lived, and proceed to Vienna, there to
vindicate his doctrines or submit to a paternal chastisement. But the
Doctor objected to the fate of John Huss; perhaps his mind, corrupted
with German literature, was unable to appreciate the charms of a
military career in the ranks of the Austrian army. Dr. Keif left
Leipzig with all possible secresy; nor could he be induced to return,
even by the taunts of the official Vienna Zeitung, which justly accused
him of cowardice, since he preferred an ignominious flight to a contest
with only 600,000 soldiers, twelve fortresses, half a million of police
officers, and the "_peinliche Halsgerichts Ordnung_" of the late Empress
Maria Theresa. Whether Dr. Keif lacks courage or not, and all other
traits of his character will be sufficiently shown in the course of the
Wanderings through London, which we propose to make in his company.
Dr. Keif and the author live in the house of Sir John ----, a full-blown
specimen of the old English gentleman, and one worthy to be studied and
chronicled as a prototype of his countrymen. This house of ours is the
centre of our rambles, the point from which we start and to which we
return with the experiences we gathered in our excursions. And since an
English fireside and an English home are utter strangers to the most
ideal dreams of the German mind, we propose commencing our Wanderings
through London with a voyage of discovery through all the rooms and
garrets of our own house.
At the first step a German makes in one of the London streets, he must
understand that life in England is very different from life in Germany.
Not only are the walls of the houses black and smoky, but the houses do
not stand on a level with the pavement. A London street is in a manner
like a German high-road, which is skirted on either side with a deep
ditch. In the streets of London the houses on either side rise out of
deep side areas. These dry ditches are generally of the depth of from
six to ten feet, and that part of the house, which with us would form
the lower story, is here from ten to twelve feet under-ground. This moat
is uncovered, but it is railed in, and the communication between the
house door and the street is effected by a bridge neatly formed of
masonry.
Every English house has its fence, its iron stockade and its doorway
bridge. To observe the additional fortifications which every Englishman
invents for the greater security of his house is quite amusing. It is
exactly as if Louis Napoleon was expected to effect a landing daily
between luncheon and dinner, while every individual Englishman is
prepared to defend his household gods to the last drop of porter.
You may see iron railings, massive and high, like unto the columns which
crushed the Philistines in their fall; each bar has its spear-head, and
each spear-head is conscientiously kept in good and sharp condition. The
little bridge which leads to the house-door is frequently shut up; a
little door with sharp spikes protruding from it is prepared to hook the
hand of a bold invader. And it is said, that magazines of powder are
placed under the bridge for the purpose of blowing up a too pertinacious
assailant. This latter rumour I give for what it is worth. It is the
assertion of a Frenchman, whom the cleanliness of London drove to
despair, and who, in the malice of his heart, got satirical.
A mature consideration of the London houses shows, that the strength of
the fortification is in exact proportion to the elegance and value of
the house and its contents. The poor are satisfied with a wooden
stockade; the rich are safe behind their iron _chevaux de frise_, and in
front of palaces, club-houses, and other public buildings, the railings
are so high and strong as to engender the belief that the thieves of
England go about their business of housebreaking with scaling-ladders,
pick-axes, guns, and other formidable implements of destruction.
Every Englishman is a bit of a Vauban. Not only does he barricade his
house against two-legged animals of his own species, but his mania for
fortification extends to precautions against wretched dogs and cats. To
prevent these small cattle from making their way through the railings,
the Englishman fills the interstices with patent wire-net work, and the
very roofs are frequently divided by means, of similar contrivances.
Vainly will cats, slaves of the tender passion, make prodigious efforts
to squeeze themselves through those cruel, cruel walls, and vainly do
they, in accents touching, but not harmonious, pour their grief into the
silent ear of night. Vainly, I say, for an Englishman has little
sympathy with "love in a garret"; and as for love on the roof, he scorns
it utterly.
We now approach the street-door, and put the knocker in motion. Do not
fancy that this is an easy process. It is by far easier to learn the
language of Englishmen than to learn the language of the knocker; and
many strangers protest that a knocker is the most difficult of all
musical instruments.
It requires a good ear and a skilful hand to make yourself understood
and to escape remarks and ridicule. Every class of society announces
itself at the gate of the fortress by means of the rythm of the knocker.
The postman gives two loud raps in quick succession; and for the visitor
a gentle but peremptory _tremolo_ is _de rigueur_. The master of the
house gives a _tremolo crescendo_, and the servant who announces his
master, turns the knocker into a battering-ram, and plies it with such
goodwill that the house shakes to its foundations. Tradesmen, on the
other hand, butchers, milkmen, bakers, and green-grocers, are not
allowed to touch the knockers--they ring a bell which communicates with
the kitchen.
All this is very easy in theory but very difficult in practice. Bold,
and otherwise inexperienced, strangers believe that they assert their
dignity, if they move the knocker with conscious energy. Vain delusion!
They are mistaken for footmen. Modest people, on the contrary, are
treated as mendicants. The middle course, in this, as in other respects,
is most difficult.
Two different motives are assigned for this custom. Those who dislike
England on principle, and according to whom the very fogs are an
aristocratic abuse, assert that the various ways of plying the knocker
are most intimately connected with the prejudices of caste. Others again
say, that the arrangement is conducive to comfort, since the inmates of
the house know at once what sort of a visitor is desiring admittance.
As for me, I believe that a great deal may be said on either side; and I
acknowledge the existence of the two motives. But I ought to add, that
in new and elegant mansions the mediæval knocker yields its place to the
modern bell. The same fate is perhaps reserved for the whole of the
remainder of English old-fogyism. There are spots of decay in these much
vaunted islands; and now and then you hear the worm plainly as it gnaws
its way. I wish you the best of appetites, honest weevil!
We cross the threshold of the house.
Sacred silence surrounds us--the silence of peace, of domestic comfort,
doubly agreeable after a few hours' walk with the giddy turmoil of
street life. And with peace there is cleanliness, that passive virtue,
the first the stranger learns to love in the English people, because it
is the first which strikes his eye. That the English are capital
agriculturists, practical merchants, gallant soldiers, and honest
friends, is not written in their faces, any more than the outward aspect
of the Germans betrays their straight-forwardness, fitful melancholy,
and poetic susceptibility. But cleanliness, as an English national
virtue, strikes in modest obstrusiveness the vision even of the most
unobservant stranger.
The small space between the street-door and the stairs, hardly
sufficient in length and breadth to deserve the pompous name of a
"hall," is usually furnished with a couple of mahogany chairs, or, in
wealthier houses, with flower-pots, statuettes, and now and then a sixth
or seventh-rate picture. The floor is covered with oil-cloth, and this
again is covered with a breadth of carpet. A single glance tells us,
that after passing the threshold, we have at once entered the temple of
domestic life.
Here are no moist, ill-paved floors, where horses and carts dispute with
the passenger the right of way; where you stumble about in some dark
corner in search of still darker stairs; where, from the porter's lodge,
half a dozen curious eyes watch your unguided movements, while your
nostrils are invaded with the smell of onions, as is the case in Paris,
and also in Prague and Vienna. Nothing of the kind. The English houses
are like chimneys turned inside out; on the outside all is soot and
dirt, in the inside everything is clean and bright.
From the hall we make our way to the parlour--the refectory of the
house. The parlour is the common sitting-room of the family, the
centre-point of the domestic state. It is here that many eat their
dinners, and some say their prayers; and in this room does the lady of
the house arrange her household affairs and issue her commands. In
winter the parlour fire burns from early morn till late at night, and it
is into the parlour that the visitor is shewn, unless he happens to call
on a reception-day, when the drawing-rooms are thrown open to the
friends of the family.
Large folding-doors, which occupy nearly the whole breadth of the back
wall, separate the front from the back parlour, and when opened, the two
form one large room. The number and the circumstances of the family
devote this back parlour either to the purposes of a library for the
master, the son, or the daughters of the house, or convert it into a
boudoir, office, or breakfast-room. Frequently, it serves no purpose in
particular, and all in turn.
These two rooms occupy the whole depth of the house. All the other
apartments are above, so that there are from two to four rooms in each
story. The chief difference in the domestic apartments in England and
Germany consists in this division: in Germany, the members of a family
occupy a number of apartments on the same floor or "flat"; in England,
they live in a cumulative succession of rooms. In Germany, the
dwelling-houses are divided horizontally--here the division is vertical.
Hence it happens, that houses with four rooms communicating with one
another are very rare in London, with the exception only of the houses
in the very aristocratic quarters. Hence, also, each story has its
peculiar destination in the family geographical dictionary. In the first
floor are the reception-rooms; in the second the bed-rooms, with their
large four-posters and marble-topped wash-stands; in the third story are
the nurseries and servants' rooms; and in the fourth, if a fourth there
be, you find a couple of low garrets, for the occasional accommodation
of some bachelor friend of the family.
The doors and windows of these garrets are not exactly air-tight, the
wind comes rumbling down the chimney, the stairs are narrow and steep,
and the garrets are occasionally invaded by inquisitive cats and a
vagrant rat; but what of that? A bachelor in England is worse off than a
family cat. According to English ideas, the worst room in the house is
too good for a bachelor. They say--"Oh, he'll do very well!" What does a
bachelor care for a three-legged chair, a broken window, a ricketty
table, and a couple or so of sportive currents? It is exactly as if a
man took a special delight in rheumatism, tooth-ache, hard beds, smoking
chimneys, and the society of rats, until he has entered the holy state
of matrimony. The promise of some tender being to "love, honour, and
obey," would seem to change a bachelor's nature, and make him
susceptible of the amenities of domestic comfort. The custom is not
flattering to the fairer half of humanity. It is exactly as if the
comforts of one's sleeping-room were to atone for the sorrows of
matrimony, and as if a bachelor, from the mere fact of being unmarried,
were so happy and contented a being, that no amount of earthly
discomfort could ruffle the blissful tranquillity of his mind!
It was truly comical to see Dr. Keif, when the lady of the house first
introduced him to his "own room."
The politics and the police of Germany had given the poor fellow so much
trouble, that he had never once thought of taking unto himself a wife.
As a natural consequence of this lamentable state of things, his
quarters were assigned him in the loftiest garret of the house. Dismal
forebodings, which he tried to smile away, seized on his philosophical
mind as he mounted stairs after stairs, each set steeper and narrower
than the last. At length, on a mere excuse for a landing there is a
narrow door, and behind that door a mere corner of a garret. The Doctor
had much experience in the topography of the garrets of German college
towns; but the English garret in Guildford Street, Russell Square, put
all his experience to shame.
"I trust you'll be comfortable here," calls the lady after him, with a
malicious smile; for to enter the bachelor's room, would be a gross
violation of the rules and regulations of British decency. And before he
can make up his mind to reply, she has vanished down the steep stairs.
And the Doctor, with his hands meekly folded, stands in the centre of
his "own room." "Oh Bulwer, Dickens, and Thackeray"--such are his
thoughts--and thou, "Oh Punch, who describest the garrets of the British
bachelor! here, where I cease to understand the much-vaunted English
comfort, here do I begin to understand your writings! If I did not
happen to be in London, I should certainly like to be in Spandau. My own
Germany, with thy romantic fortresses and dungeon-keeps, how cruelly
hast thou been calumniated!"
There is a knock at the door. It is Sir John, who has come up for the
express purpose of witnessing the Doctor's admiration of his room. He
knows that the room will be admired, for to his patriotic view, there is
beauty in all and everything that is _English_. His patriotism revels in
old-established abuses, and stands triumphant amidst every species of
nuisance. The question, "How do you like your room?" is uttered exactly
with that degree of conscious pride which animated the King of Prussia
when, looking down from the keep of Stolzenfels Castle, he asked Queen
Victoria, "How do you like the Rhine?" And equally eager, though perhaps
not quite so sincere, was the Doctor's reply: "Oh very much! I am quite
enchanted with it! It is impossible to lose anything in this room, and
the losing things and groping about to find them was the plague of my
life at home in the large German rooms. A most excellent arrangement
this! Everything is handy and within reach. Bookcase, washstand, and
wardrobe--I need not even get up to get what I want--and as for this
table and these chairs, I presume that the occasional overturning of an
inkstand will but serve to heighten the quaint appearance of this
venerable furniture!"
"Of course," said Sir John, "certainly! this is liberty-hall, sir. But
mind you take care of the lamp, and pray do not sit in the draught
between the window and the door."
He does not exactly explain how it is possible to sit anywhere except in
the draught, for the limited space of the garret is entirely taken up
with draughts. Perhaps it is a sore subject, for, with an uneasy shrug
of the shoulders, the worthy Sir John adds:--
"But never mind. Comfortable, isn't it? And what do you say to the view,
eh? Beau-ti-ful! right away over all the roofs to Hampstead!"
He might as well have said to the Peak of Teneriffe; for the view is
obstructed with countless chimney-pots looming in the distant future
through perennial fog. Sir John is struck with this fact, as, measuring
the whole length of the apartment in three strides, he approaches the
window to enjoy the glorious view of Hampstead hills. He shuts the
window, and is evidently disappointed.
"Ah! never mind! very comfortable, air pure and bracing; very much so;
very different from the air in the lower rooms. And--I say, mind this is
the 'escape,'" says Sir John, opening a very small door at the side of
our friend's room. "If--heaven preserve us--there should be a fire in
the house, and if you should not be able to get down stairs, you may get
up here and make your escape over the roofs. That's what you will find
in every English house. Isn't it practical? eh! What do you say to it?"
The Doctor says nothing at all; he calculates his chances of escape
along that narrow ledge of wall, and thinks: "Really things are
beginning to look _awfully_ comfortable. If there should happen to be a
fire while I am in the house, I hope and trust I shall have time to
consider which is worst, to be made a male suttee of, or to tumble down
from the roof like an apoplectic sparrow."
We leave the Doctor between the horns of this dilemma, and descending a
good many more stairs than we ascended, we find our way to the haunts of
those who, in England, live under-ground--to the kitchen.
Here, too, everything is different from what we are accustomed to in
Germany. In the place of the carpets which cover the floors of the upper
rooms, we walk here on strong, solid oilcloths, which, swept and washed,
looks like marble, and gives a more comfortable aspect to an English
kitchen than any German housewife ever succeeded in imparting to the
scene of her culinary exercises. Add to this, bright dish-covers of
gigantic dimensions fixed to the wall, plated dishes, and sundry other
utensils of queer shapes and silvery aspect, interspersed with copper
sauce-pans and pots and china, the windows neatly curtained, with a
couple of flower-pots on the sill, and a branch of evergreens growing on
the wall round them--such is an English kitchen in its modest glory. A
large fire is always kept burning; and its ruddy glow heightens the
homeliness and comfort of the scene. There is no killing of animals in
these peaceful retreats. All the animals which are destined for
consumption, such as fowls, ducks, pigeons, and geese, are sold, killed,
and plucked in the London shops. When they are brought to the kitchen,
they are in such a condition, that nothing prevents their being put to
the fire. And then, in front of that fire, turned by a machine, dangle
large sections of sheep, calves, and oxen, of so respectable a size,
that the very sight of them would suffice to awe a German housewife.
Several doors in the kitchen open into sundry other subterraneous
compartments. There is a back-kitchen, whither the servants of the house
retire for the most important part of their daily labours--the talking
of scandal _apropos_ of the whole neighbourhood. There is also a small
room for the washing-up of plates and dishes, the cleaning of knives and
forks, of clothes and shoes. Other compartments are devoted to stores of
provisions, of coals, and wine and beer. Need I add, that all these are
strictly separate?
All these various rooms and compartments, from the kitchen up to Dr.
Keif's garret, are in modern London houses, lighted up with gas--and
pipes conducting fresh, filtered, and in many instances, hot water,
ascend into all the stories--and there is in all and everything so much
of really domestic and unostentatious comfort, that it would be very
uncomfortable to give a detailed description of every item of a cause
which contributes to the general and agreeable effect. Indeed, such a
description is simply impossible. Just let any one try to explain to an
Englishman the patriarchal physiognomy of a pot-bellied German stove; or
let him try to awake in the Englishman's wife a feeling, remotely akin
to sympathy, for the charming atmosphere of a German "_Kneipe_"; or make
an American understand what the German "_Bund_" is, and what it is good
for. To attempt this were a labour of Sysiphus--toil without a result.
Nothing short of actual experience will enable a man to understand and
value these national mysteries.