(_By our Medical Expert._)
_The Times_, in its daily summary of "News in Advertisements" recently
called attention to the appeal of an invalided officer who "will be glad to
give a hundred pounds to any doctor, nerve specialist or hospital that can
cure him of occupation neurosis and writer's cramp." A careful study of
other newspapers shows that offers of handsome remuneration for cures are
not confined to those who have suffered from the War, but are made by
civilians and officials of the highest position in public life. We append a
few outstanding examples of the splendid opportunities now provided to
psycho-pathological specialists:--
A Cabinet Minister of massive physique, perfect self-confidence and
immovable determination, who has had varied experience in different
business callings and (up to a certain point) unvarying success, offers
five thousand pounds to any professor of deportment or member of the Old
Nobility in reduced circumstances who will impart to him suavity of manner,
tact and diplomatic courtesy, the lack of which constitutes the sole
obstacle to his achieving immortality. If the instructor can succeed in
making him (the Cabinet Minister) really beloved the honorarium will be
doubled.
An Editor of thirty years' experience as a journalist, first-rate linguist,
deeply versed in geography, Central European politics, etc., will give five
hundred pounds to any mental specialist, registered or unregistered, who
will cure him of an irresistible temptation on all occasions, with or
without provocation, to utilise every incident, occurrence, calamity or
disaster as a means of assailing and undermining the position of the
Coalition Government in general and the PRIME MINISTER in particular.
A Member of Parliament, formerly attached to one of His Majesty's services,
is prepared to offer fifty pounds to any phrenologist who without
inflicting undue pain will reduce or remove the Bump of Curiosity which at
present impels him without rhyme or reason to bombard Ministers with
irrelevant questions contrary to the public interest and calculated to
produce the maximum amount of irritation even amongst Members who sit on
the same side of the House.
A Peer of great wealth, striking physiognomy, affectionate disposition and
wonderful general knowledge will pay the sum of twenty thousand pounds to
any psychiatric practitioner who succeeds in eliminating from his system
the microbe of filmolatry, the ravages of which have latterly threatened to
infect his monumental mind with histrionic monomania highly deleterious to
the best interests of the community.
A neo-Georgian poet, disciple of FREUD, pacificist and vegetarian, will
gladly pay five pounds to any psychopathic suggestionist who will extirpate
from his subconsciousness the lingering relics of an antipathy to
syncopated rhythms which retard his progress towards a complete mastery of
the technique of amorphous bombination.
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