A friend of ours, who is an ardent admirer of that great humorist of the
plains, Artemus Ward, has recently been edifying a large circle of
private friends with imitations of the celebrated showman. He has had a
wig and false nose made expressly for this entertainment, by the aid of
which adjuncts he succeeds in establishing quite a respectable
resemblance to the grand original, as may be seen by his portrait, which
we have taken the trouble to get engraved.
Most of the jokes are those of Artemus repeated from memory. The more
sober ones, we fancy, are original. The lecture runs thus:
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN:--Having recently paid a visit to Salt Lake City,
the great Mormon capital, I think a short lecture on the subject may
prove instructive as well as amusing. Although I appear before you with
the cap and bells, I would have you understand that when I speak of
matters of fact I shall confine myself strictly to the truth. You may,
therefore, rely upon all I shall tell you concerning the Mormons as
being strictly true.
[Illustration]
"When on the dock preparatory to start on my voyage, I found myself
surrounded by a large concourse of people, who seemed perfectly willing
that I should go. 'Go along,' they said, 'old feller, and stay as long
as you please.' I would like you to take a good look at the noble vessel
in which I sailed (pointing to a crude delineation of a steamship),
because, if you ever go to California, travel by some other boat.
"When we were fairly out at sea, I observed that many of the passengers
ran frequently to look over the side of the vessel--to see if there were
any dolphins alongside, I presume. One young couple sitting near me,
newly married and very haggard, talked earnestly together. I could not
avoid hearing a part of their conversation.
"'Oh, Julia,' said the gentleman, 'you are very noble; you have thrown
up society, friends, everything for me.'
"'Do not say a word, Alfred,' replied the young lady; 'you have thrown
up more than I have.'
"It was very touching, for they certainly threw up a great deal between
them.
"In San Francisco I delivered an oration. It was not, perhaps, equal to
Cicero's, but still I think--I don't know--but I think if old Cis had
heard it he would have been astonished. I delivered an oration to the
soldiers once. They were much delighted--very much delighted indeed--so
delighted, in fact, that they come dooced near shooting me.
"The hotels on the road to Salt Lake City are, as a rule, inferior to
our leading ones in New York. At one of them they gave me a sack of oats
for a pillow. That night I had nightmares. I suppose they were attracted
by the oats. The next morning the landlord asked me how I was, _old
hoss_! I replied that I felt my oats!
"After travelling several days, more or less, we reached Utah, and put
up at this hotel (here a rude picture is produced). It is a temperance
hotel. The only objection I have to temperance hotels is
that--that--they keep such dooced poor _licker_. In the front of the
hotel may be seen the coach in which we had been confined for the last
eight days. Those among my audience who have served a term in the State
prison will understand our feeling when we escaped from that vehicle.
"Utah is a beautiful city, laid out in broad streets, with avenues of
fine trees. Brigham Young is the big injun of the place, next to whom
comes Heber Kimball. Brigham has the largest number of wives--two
hundred in all. He says his only hope now is to have his dying pillow
smoothed by the hands of his family. Under the circumstances, it strikes
me he'd have to go out of doors to die if he wishes to accomplish it.
"The number of his children is unknown, though, if you multiply two
hundred wives by fifteen, you will get a rough estimate. We mentioned
this to Briggy, and he seemed to think it rather rough. Perhaps so. Brig
is very exact in his calculations; he knows to a ton of beef what is
consumed in his household daily. As an illustration of his exceeding
accuracy in little matters, we may mention a fact. On one occasion one
of his wives was missing. Five weeks had not elapsed before Brigham had
discovered the fact. Those of my audience who have mothers-in-law will
appreciate the advantage of two hundred wives. There must be a good deal
of mother-in-law to that number; an amount highly calculated to keep
things lively. Possibly Brigham is fond of excitement.
"On one occasion Briggy took a fancy to a certain young lady, and
proposed for her hand. She replied that she could not accept his offer
unless he also married her elder sister. To this he readily
assented--went to her--the proposition was made--the sister said she
should be obliged to decline unless he married her mother also. After
some deliberation he proposed to the mother, but she refused unless he
would also propose to her old grandmother. Finally he married the whole
crowd.
"Of course Brigham cannot attend personally to the amount of courting
necessary--that is to say, in our old-fashioned style. No, he has his
form of love done up in pamphlet form, which he sends to any lady to
whom he wishes to be united. This saves trouble.
"Though the Mormons generally are a very steady people, they still have
loose fish among them. On one occasion a gay Mormon Lothario gained
access to a young ladies' seminary. In the morning it was found he had
eloped with the entire establishment.
"I, even I did not escape without some difficulty. Just before my
departure, a worthy gentleman in the pickle business died, leaving
fourteen wives. They sent for me. When I called I found them all in
tears.
"'Why is this thus?' I inquired.
"'Art going?' inquired they.
"'I ist,' I replied.
"'Oh, why! oh, why goest thou?'
"'Because when I gettest ready to doest a thing, I generally doest it,'
replied I.
"'Wilt marry us?' said they.
"'I rather think not,' I replied.
"'Oh, this is too much!' cried they.
"'That's where it is,' rejoined myself. 'It's precisely on account of
its being too much that I object to it.'
"My lectures were very popular at Salt Lake, and always well attended.
On one occasion I incautiously gave a family ticket to a certain Elder.
That night my house was crowded to overflowing. It was entirely filled
with the Elder's family. There was not room for a single paying visitor
to come in. The next day they called to say they were very much pleased,
and gave me their photograph in a very pretty pocket-case, something
like a wallet. Subsequently it was taken out of my pocket by a young man
on Broadway, but I detected him in the act and seized him by the collar.
He at once acknowledged the deed, but said he did it in the name of the
Confederate government in retaliation for outrages committed by our
troops in the Shenandoah Valley."
Here the lecture ended. It generally received nearly as much applause as
that of the great original, for my friend had studied Ward's peculiar
manner and quaint enunciation till he had got it to a nicety.