A friend of ours, Dudley Wegger, who recently gave an extemporaneous
entertainment, amongst other things, devised a new kind of play, of such
exceedingly simple construction that we have judged it expedient to put
it on record. It must be observed that it is his _method_ especially
which we applaud and recommend, and further be it observed, that we
applaud and recommend it on account of no other excellence save that of
simplicity.
Mr. Wegger possessed the power of imitating one or two popular actors.
He had read our instructions on _make-up_--viz.: curled hair, turn-up
nose, high shoulders, etc., and from these slender materials he made the
body of his play. As soon as we arrived, he seized upon ourself, dragged
us into a back room, put a hideous mask on our face (which smelt
painfully of glue and brown paper, by the way), and then commanded us to
don sundry articles of female attire--to wit, a hat and gown. To our
earnest appeals as to what we were to do, he only replied:
"Oh, nothing; just come on the stage, kick about, and answer my
questions. You hold the stage and talk to the audience, whilst I go off
and change my dress."
This we pledged ourself to do, and were nearly suffocated in the mask as
a consequence.
When the curtain rose, Wegger marched on the stage attired in blue coat,
brass buttons, striped pantaloons, yellow vest, and stylish hat stuck on
one side. In his hand he held a small walking-cane, with which he
frequently slapped his leg. This was the walking-gentleman part.
"Egad! here I am at last, after the fastest run across country on
record. Slipped the Billies, took flying hollow at a leap, gave my
admirable aunt the go-by, extracted the governor's lynch-pin, sent them
all sprawling in the ditch, just in time to be picked up by old Hodge,
the carrier, jogging along with his blind mare and rumbling old
shandrydan. Gad, Mortimer, you are a sad rogue! I must turn over a new
leaf, ecod! become steady, forget kissing and claret, go to church, read
the _Times_, and in fact, become a respectable member of society. Ah,
ha, ha! What has brought me here? Gad, I deserve success. Heard from my
valet last night that certain lady just come into immense fortune;
lovely as she is wealthy, Venus and an heiress; total stranger, no means
of procuring introduction; hired coach and four, gave post-boy guinea,
told drive like devil, and here I am in a strange country, a strange
house, and amongst strange people, to kill or conquer, _veni, vidi,
vici_! Ha! ha! ha! first in the field--fair start and a free run; back
myself at long odds to be in at the death. But gad! here she comes, the
country Hebe, the pastoral Venus, the naiad of turnip-tops and
mangel-wurzel.
Enter _Heiress_ (ourself).
Gad! she is a devilish fine-looking woman. I must approach her
(_advances_). Have I the honor to address the Lady Cicily de Rhino?"
_Lady Cicily de Rhino._ "You get eout!"
_Mortimer_ (aside). "Charming! Gad! I am over head and ears in love
already. Oh, bright divinity, why hide those radiant charms in sylvan
shades, when charms of fashion and bon-ton beckon you away! With me your
life shall be one live-long summer's day, and you and I two butterflies
sipping sweet nectar from the ruby rims of endless brimming goblets.
Say you'll be mine! A chaise awaits us, and on the wings of love we'll
fly away! Say, charmer, say the word, and I am your slave for life."
_Lady Cicily de Rhino._ "Wal, slavery's bin abolished even in New
Jersey--guess you forgot that. However, I don't keer if I do; jist hold
on till I git my things."
[Exit.
_Mortimer._ "Gad! I took the citadel by storm--but some one approaches;
I must withdraw for a moment."
[Withdraws.
Re-enter _Lady C._, with bundle and umbrella.
_Lady C._ "Wal, if the young man arn't gone; now that's mean."
Enter _Reginald Spooneigh_ (Wegger, in a new dress).
_Reginald._ "Kynde fortune has thrown me in the angel's path. The belue
skuye already smyles more beounteously on my poor fate. Fayer laydee,
turn not away those gentle eyes, that e'en the turtle-dove might sigh,
and dying, envy, envying, die of envy."
_Lady C._ "Oh, git eout!"
_Reginald._ "Say not so, fair laydee. A wanderer on this cruel earth, a
lover of the sweet songs of birds, the murmuring of streams, the gay
garb of nature, from mighty mountain-tops to rustling glens. I bring an
aching spirit seeking sympathy to thee."
_Lady C._ "Dew tell!"
_Reginald._ "A sympathetic heart within your bosom burns; say, let it
beat in unison with mine?"
_Lady C._ "Well, I don't keer if I do; only hurry up, there's some one
coming."
_Reginald._ "Coming? sayest though; then will I retire for a brief
space."
[Retires.
_Lady C._ "He seems a pretty nice kind or young man, tho' he ain't got
so much style into him as tother feller. Wal, them folks didn't come
this way arter all, so he'd no call to be so scart," etc., etc.
Enter _General Hab-grabemall_ (Wegger again).
_General._ "Thunder and Mars! I thought I should never have got here.
Road as dusty as a canteen of ashes; coach as slow as a commissary mule.
Had half a mind to bivouac on the roadside--make a fire of the
axletrees, and roast the postilion for dinner. But shells and rockets! I
must beat up the quarters of this fair one, or some jackanapes civilian
will be stealing a march upon me (sees _Lady C._). Gad! there she is! I
must make a charge on her left wing. Hey! my little beauty, here's a
battered old soldier, wounded everywhere except in his heart, crying
surrender at your first fire. He yields himself prisoner-of-war, and
gives up his untarnished sword to you and you alone."
_Lady C._ "Wal, I ain't no use for swords, and there are summeny solgers
straggling round now with old weppins--"
_General._ "I have fought for my king and country through many a burning
summer noon, and many an Arctic winter night, and now I would plant my
laurels in the sunshine of your eyes, that they may bring forth bright
blossoms."
_Lady C._ "Wal, if them's the case, they makes a difference."
_General_ (aside). "Now for a bold charge! (aloud). Share, oh fairest of
your sex, my niche in the Temple of Fame, my hand and heart as true as
steel. Say, will you accept a rough old soldier's hand and a
Major-General's cocked hat."
_Lady C._ "Wal, I don't mind if I dew, only don't you fool me as them
other fellers did."
_General._ "What, blood and ouns! have any fellers dared to fool the
fairest of her sex. I will demand satisfaction; where are they?"
[Exit.
_Lady C._ "I want to know! Ef the Genrl ain't gone off to whip them two
fellers! O my! won't there be a muss, jest. But Lor! he'd no call to be
so mad about it. I didn't keer.
(_Sings_)--"When the moon is on the mountain,
My heart it is with you,
And stirring thoughts come stirring up
The extra oyster stew."
Enter _Adolphus Tinkletop_ (Wegger again).
_Adolphus._ "Well I declare, if here ain't a feminine young woman of the
female persuasion a-singing a song. Go on, most charming of your sex,
and I'll jine in the chorus. But hold! pause--be calm, Tinkletop: this
must be she, the lovely heiress I have come in search of. The young and
lovely female heiress, who has just dropt into a very large fortune in
silver and gold, sing tooral lol, looral, lol looral le day. Tinkletop,
my boy, you are a lucky fellow. I think I may venture to remark, without
any immediate dread of contradiction, that I am an exceedingly fortunate
individual. I must put on my most insinuating manner without further
procrastination, which is the thief of time. Ah! ahem! how shall I
begin? Ahem! how de do, my dear? How's the folks?"
_Lady C._ "Purty well; how's yourself?"
_Adolphus._ "Oh! I'm exceedingly well; remarkably well; excessively
well. I've quite got over that pain in my chest."
_Lady C._ "Ye don't say!"
_Adolphus._ "Fact! Hembold's Cosmos cured me immediately, if not sooner.
Oh, yes! I'm all right, thank ye. But excuse me, young woman. I've come
down here on a little matter of business of the highest importance. Your
name is Lady Cicily Rhino?"
_Lady C._ "Wal, 'taint nothin' else."
_Adolphus._ "That is precisely what I want to arrive at. I am in the
dry-goods business, than which there is no higher social position in the
world. I am not rich, but I expect to be. Of my personal appearance you
can form a more just and adequate opinion than any language of mine
could convey. In other words, I am more easily conceived than described.
Now, the question is, whether you will accept my hand and heart."
_Lady C._ "Wal, I don't keer if I do."
_Adolphus._ "Most charming little pippetsy poppetsy; let me embrace
those virgin lips."
_Lady C._ "Oh, lor! Now wait a minute." (Turns her head away bashfully,
and puts up her umbrella. Both parties retire behind the umbrella, when
a loud smack is heard--such a smack as has been compared to the noise
produced by a horse dragging his foot out of a mud-hole. Then both
strike an attitude with the umbrella between them, and the curtain
descends in a blaze of red light.)
THE END.
Now if this is not a simple way of building a drama, we are no judge.
Our adjoining illustration represents the interview between General
Hab-grabemall and the lady. The General acquires a gigantic appearance
by tying a folded shawl or small pillow on each shoulder before he puts
on his cloak; his face is made up chiefly of curled hair and diachylon.
Reginald Spooneigh has long flaxen hair, made out of some rope
unravelled for the purpose, and sewed on to a tightly-fitting cap,
moustache and beard to match, and turn-down collar. The rest of his
attire may be in any style most convenient.
Mr. Tinkletop is remarkable for a red nose, turned up, and one tooth
missing (both according to our prescription given in a previous
chapter). His vest and cravat are of bright colors, and his coat also,
if possible.
[Illustration: PRIVATE THEATRICALS.--_See page 80._]