_Telegraphic Address_--"_Croesus, E.C._"
[Illustration]
Sir,--Let me first express my financial acknowledgments to the teeming
millions who have honoured me, and benefited themselves by seeking my
advice since my first letter appeared last week. Communications containing
cheques, postal orders, and stamps, have poured in upon me in one unceasing
torrent. The consignors have, in every case, been good enough to say that
they handed all they possessed over to me, in the full confidence that I
would invest the proceeds to the best advantage in some of the countless
undertakings in which I wield a paramount influence. Their trust is fully
deserved.
Investors will remember that, in the course of the last German Expedition
to Central Africa, a tract of country, rich in every mineral deposit, and
admirably fitted for the operations of husbandry, was discovered in lat.
42°, long. 65°. The Germans at that time had not a single handkerchief
left, and were unable, therefore to hoist the German flag over the palace
of the native king, GUL-GULL. Private information of this was conveyed to
me. I at once fitted out an Expedition _at my own expense_, placed myself
at the head of it, and after terrible hardships, in the course of which no
less than two hundred of my comrades either succumbed outright to the bite
of the poisonous _contango_ fly, or had to be mercifully dispatched by the
hammer (a painless native form of death), in order to end their tortures, I
succeeded in reaching the capital, where I was hospitably received by the
king. After a negotiation of three weeks, His Majesty agreed, in the
kindest and most affable manner, to concede to me his whole country
together with all its revenues, minerals, royalties, timber, water-power,
lakes, farm-houses, stock and manor-houses, the whole beautifully situated
in the heart of a first-class sporting country, within easy reach of ten
packs of hounds; the old residential palace replete with every modern
comfort, and admirably adapted for the purposes of a gentleman desiring to
set up in the business of kingship. It matters not what I had to pay for
this. The secret is my own, and shall go to Westminster Abbey with me. The
point is, that with the funds entrusted to me, I have formed the
Cent-per-Central African Exploration and Investment Syndicate, and have
allotted shares to all those whose contributions have come to hand. As to
profit, I have calculated it on the strictest actuarial principles, and
find it cannot be less than £100 for every £100 invested. This may seem
small, but in these matters moderation is the soul of business. I shall
have more to say on this subject next week.
_Answers to Correspondents_.
DISMAL JEMMY.--Why do you suggest that the motto of my new company should
be, "_Stealer et fraudax_"? Is it a Latin joke? If so, don't write to me
any more. Those who deal with _me_ must be British to the backbone.
ANXIOUS.--You can't do better than send me those £50,000. I guarantee
secrecy and quick returns. The Eyeoyu Land Trust is best for your purposes
(Pref. deb. 492; stk. 18. 2. 3). Send money at once to CROESUS, E.C. Delay
might be fatal.
CAPITALIST.--No doubt, as you say, Consols are Consols; but take my advice
and don't give GOSCHEN your money. Why not try the _United Bladder Mortgage
Company_? Bladders are bound to go up. They were floated at 10 and are now
at 96. _Verb. sap._ No; £20,000 would not be too much.
"POTTER."--Something good may he done in Land Rails, if you can get near
enough. Have a shot at them by all means.
"PRACTICAL JOKER."--Quite right. Sell them.
"ANXIOUS INQUIRER" wishes to be informed what is the difference between
Preferred and Deferred. If he will tell us how much he expects to receive
in each case, the mere calculation of the difference will be an easy
matter; but to receive it is quite another affair. If he wishes to know the
"distinction" between these two classes of "securities," it may be summed
up in the answer to the question, "Will you have it now, or wait till you
get it?"
"A PUZZLED ONE."--Sell everything.
"MEET ME BY MIDNIGHT."--Yes. A Loan.
"LAMBKIN."--Part with No. 2, &c., but take care of No. 1.
"INSIDER."--Get out.
"TOTTIE TOTTS."--Here for private consultation from 5 to 7 P.M.
"RICHARD."--_Buy_ Bizzy B's, _Sell_ Early P's, and Spoiled Fives. _Buy_
Jingoes.
"BRUNO."--"Bear" your burdens.
"ADA WITH THE GOLDENHAIR."--Send photo at once. Cannot advise until we know
your figure.
"CROESUS,
E.C."
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[Illustration: CONSCIENTIOUSNESS.
_Miss Fitzogre_. "WELL, GOOD-BYE, PERCIVAL, AND BE A GOOD BOY!"
_Percival (a very good boy, who has just been specially warned not to make
personal remarks about People in their presence_). "GOOD-BYE. I'LL NOT TELL
NURSE WHAT I THINK OF YOUR NOSE TILL YOU'RE GONE!"]
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