THE ENGLISHMAN WITH A “HAW!”
“Haw, ye don’t mean to say the blawsted thing will fire a shot forty
miles?”
“Thirty-nine miles, two hundred and fifty yards, fifty-six feet and
eleven inches is the exact record, sir.”
“But, don’t ye know, that’s almost as far as it is from Lun’nun to
Oxford, bah Jove!”
“Just thirteen feet, three inches further, sir.”
“Haw!”
“The charge is the most peculiar part of it, sir.”
“Ya-as?”
“Very peculiar. In fact, you would hardly believe it.”
Clif, who was the speaker, leaned confidentially toward his companion,
and added, in an impressive whisper:
“We use green Holland cheese, sir.”
“What! Bah Jove, you cawn’t use cheese to fire a gun, don’t you know?”
“Fact, sir. I’m not supposed to give the secret away, but I know you
won’t repeat it. The American Government is very progressive, sir. And
the American naval officer is great on inventions. It was a cadet that
invented the ‘cheesite,’ as the new explosive is called. He made the
discovery in a very queer way.”
Clif paused a second for breath, then he continued in the same
impressive tone:
“He was a shipmate of mine at the academy, sir. His name was Mudd.
Funny name, eh? Well, Mudd was very fond of Dutch cheese. Ate it all
the time. One day he brought a pound or two into our room--I bunked
with him, you know--and hid it in the stove. There happened to be a
little fire in it, and bless me if the cheese and heat didn’t generate
gas and blow the room into the middle of the Severn River. I was nearly
drowned trying to swim ashore.”
“Haw! Most extraordinary. Must make a note of it.”
“Great, isn’t it? Well, Mudd--when he left the hospital, had three ribs
broken and lost a piece of his solar plexus--he experimented on the
‘cheesite,’ found the gas, and is now worth a million. Great, isn’t it?”
Clif’s companion was an Englishman of about twenty-three. He had a
full, round red face with a pair of pronounced “mutton-chop” whiskers.
A single glass, or monocle, was screwed tightly in one eye; and he was
dressed in tweeds of the loudest patterns.
There was a vacant, open-mouthed expression on his face that seemed
peculiarly appropriate to his general appearance.
The young naval cadet finished his remarkable description of the
discovery of “cheesite” without the slightest indication of mirth.
“Haw! Most extraordinary invention!” exclaimed the Englishman. “But you
Americans, don’t ye know, are extraordinary creatures, anyway. Haw! I
had a cousin who went across the pond a few years ago. Landed in Ohio
or some other town, I believe, and started the most peculiar business.
Haw! it was really remarkable.”
He stopped to give his glass another twist, and continued, with a yawn:
“Haw! the cousin was a queer fellow. He ran away to--aw!--Africa or
Iceland when he was a youngster, and had a wild time of it. Then he
settled down in Lun’nun, and----”
“What was the queer business he was in?”
“Yas. He settled in the town of Ohio and started a shop, don’t you
know. Haw! haw! It was deuced comical. I split me sides every time I
think of it, don’t ye know.”
“But the business?”
“The business? Haw! I forgot what it was, ye know. But it was a blasted
peculiar thing. Haw!”
Clif laughed.
“I am deuced obliged to you for your trouble, don’t ye know,” resumed
his companion, extracting an elaborate case from his coat. “Here’s me
pasteboard. I--aw--would be delighted to see you again.”
“Thanks. I haven’t a card with me, but my name is Faraday, Clifford
Faraday, and I am a naval cadet of the new fourth class on board this
practice ship, the _Monongahela_. We left Annapolis, Maryland, where
our naval academy is situated, several weeks ago, and have been here in
Lisbon three days.”
Clif read the card. The words, finely engraved, were:
“J. CHESIRE-CHESHIRE CATE,
“London, England.”
It was shortly before noon. The presence of the old American frigate,
which, despite her age, was trim and neat aloft and alow, had
attracted a number of visitors from the city.
The officers of the ship and the naval cadets forming the crew, always
gallant and hospitable, had welcomed them heartily, and were showing
the vessel.
To Clif’s lot had fallen this exaggerated specimen of the genus Briton,
and the cadet’s delight was great.
He proceeded to spin yarns that even the proverbial marine would not
listen to, but J. Chesire-Cheshire Cate simply looked vacant and said
“Haw!”
The day was bright and pleasant, and the crowd of visitors was
constantly increasing. The _élite_ of the city had evidently selected
this day on which to inspect the “Yankee” practice ship, as the
visitors were altogether of the better class.
The broad spar deck was thronged with handsome girls and well-dressed
gentlemen. The gay European costumes, interspersed here and there with
the attractive uniforms of the officers and the natty dress of the
cadets, formed an inspiring scene.
A band, made up of naval cadets, discoursed sweet music from a
tastefully decorated stand on the quarter-deck. From the spanker-gaff
floated the Stars and Stripes resplendent in new bunting.
While Clif was reading the inscription on the card given him, Nanny
hurriedly approached him, and said, in a stage whisper:
“She’s coming, Clif. She’s in a boat alongside.”
“Who? Not----”
“Yes. It’s the girl. It’s Miss Juanita. She’s got another girl with
her.”
“Thanks,” replied Clif, hurriedly. Turning to J. Chesire-Cheshire Cate,
he added:
“Please excuse me, sir. I wish to meet a friend.”
“Certainly, by all means, deah boy,” drawled the Englishman, waving his
monocle. “I am deuced obliged to you for your--aw!--kindness, don’t ye
know. Pray consider my rooms ashore your--aw--home. Glad to see you
again, don’t ye know.”
As Clif hurried toward the gangway something very like a scowl came
into J. C.-C. Cate’s previously vacant face, and he muttered beneath
his breath:
“Miss Windom coming aboard here? And she knows this young cub of an
American. What complications will this lead to?”