A light, soft and glimmering as morning twilight, floated round me. Was
it the dawn of an eternal morning, or the lingering radiance of life's
departing day? Did my spirit animate the motionless body extended on
that snowy bed, or was it hovering, faint and invisible, above the
confines of mortality?
I was just awakened to the consciousness of existence,--a dim, vague
consciousness, such as one feels in a dissolving dream. I seemed
involved in a white, transparent cloud, and reclining on one of those
downy-looking cloud-beds that I have seen waiting to receive the sinking
sun.
While thus I lay, living the dawning life of infancy, the white cloud
softly rolled on one side, and a figure appeared in the opening, that
belonged to a previous state of existence. I had seen its mild
lineaments in another world; but when,--how long ago?
My eyes rested on the features of the lady till they grew more and more
familiar, but there was a white cloud round her face, that threw a
mournful shadow over it,--_that_ I had never seen before. Again my
eyelids closed, and I seemed passing away, where, I knew not; yet
consciousness remained. I felt soft, trembling kisses breathed upon my
face, and tears too, mingling with their balm. With a delicious
perception of tenderness, watchfulness, and love, I sunk into a deep,
deep sleep.
When I awoke, the silver lustre of an astral lamp, shaded by a screen,
glimmered in the apartment and quivered like moonbeams in the white
drapery that curtained the bed. I knew where I was,--I was in my own
chamber, and the lady who sat by my bedside, and whose profile I beheld
through the parted folds of the curtains, was Mrs. Linwood. And yet, how
strange! It must have been years since we had met, for the lovely brown
of her hair was now a pale silver gray, and age had laid its withering
hand on her brow. With a faint cry, I ejaculated her name, and attempted
to raise my head from the pillow, but in vain. I had no power of motion.
Even the exertion of uttering her name was beyond my strength. She rose,
bent over me, looked earnestly and long into the eyes uplifted to her
face, then dropping on her knees and clasping her hands, her spirit went
upwards in silent prayer.
As thus she knelt, and I gazed on her upturned countenance, shaded by
that strange, mournful, silver cloud, my thoughts began to shape
themselves slowly and gradually, as the features of a landscape through
dissolving mists. They trembled as the foliage trembles in the breeze
that disperses the vapors. Images of the past gained distinctness of
outline and coloring, and all at once, like the black hull, broken mast,
and rent sails of a wrecked vessel, one awful scene rose before me. The
face, like that of the angel of death, the sound terrible as the
thunders of doom, the bleeding body that my arms encircled, the
destroying husband,--the victim brother,--all came back to me;
life,--memory,--grief,--horror,--all came back.
"Ernest! Richard!" burst in anguish from my feeble lips.
"They live! my child, they live!" said Mrs. Linwood, rising from her
knees and taking my passive hand in both hers; "but ask nothing now; you
have been very ill, you are weak as an infant; you must be tranquil,
patient, and submissive; and grateful, too, to a God of infinite mercy.
When you are stronger I will talk to you, but not now. You must yield
yourself to my guidance, in the spirit of an unweaned child."
"They live!" repeated I to myself, "my God, I bless thee! I lie at thy
footstool. I am willing to die; I long to die. Let the waves of eternity
roll over my soul."
Husband and brother! they lived, and yet neither came to me on my couch
of sickness. But Richard! had not I seen him bleeding, insensible, the
image of death? he lived, yet he might be on the borders of the grave.
But she had commanded me to be silent, submissive, and grateful; and I
tried to obey her. My physical weakness was such, it subdued the
paroxysms of mental agony, and the composing draught which she gave me
was a blessed Nepenthe, producing oblivion and repose.
The next day I recognized Dr. Harlowe, the excellent and beloved
physician. When I called him by name, as he stood by the bed, counting
my languid pulse, the good man turned aside his head to hide the
womanish tears that moistened his cheeks. Then looking down on me with a
benignant smile, he said, smoothing my hair on my forehead, as if I were
a little child--
"Be a good girl; keep quiet; be patient as a lamb, and you will soon be
well."
"How long have I been ill, Doctor?" I asked. "I am very foolish, I know;
but it seems as if even you look older than you did."
"Never mind, my dear, how long you have been sick. I mean to have you
well in a short time. Perhaps I do look a little older, for I have
forgotten to shave this morning."
While he was speaking, I caught a glimpse of the lawn through a slight
opening in the window curtain, and I uttered an exclamation of amazement
and alarm. The trees which I had last beheld clothed in a foliage of
living green, were covered with the golden tints of autumn; and here and
there a naked bough, with prophetic desolation, waved its arm across the
sky.
Where had my spirit been while the waning year had rolled on? Where was
Ernest? Where was Richard? Why was I forsaken and alone?
These questions quivered on my tongue, and would have utterance.
"Tell me, Doctor,--I cannot live in this dreadful suspense."
He sat down by me, still holding my hand in his, and promised to tell
me, if I would be calm and passive. He told me that for two months I had
been in a state of alternate insensibility and delirium, that they had
despaired of my life, and that they welcomed me as one risen from the
grave. He told me that Ernest had left home, in consequence of the
prayers of his mother, till Richard should recover from the effects of
his wound, which they at first feared would prove fatal; that Richard
was convalescent, was under the same roof with me, and would see me as
soon as I could bear the meeting.
"Ernest knows that he is my brother,--he knows that I am innocent," I
exclaimed, my whole soul trembling on his answer.
"I trust he knows it now," he replied, with a troubled countenance. "His
mother has written and told him all. We were ignorant ourselves of this,
you must recollect, till Richard was able to explain it."
"And he went away believing me a wretch!" I cried, in a tone of
unutterable agony. "He will never, never return!"
"My dear child," replied Dr. Harlowe, in an accent of kind authority,
"you have no right to murmur; you have been spared the most awful
infliction a sovereign God could lay upon you,--a brother's life taken
by a husband's hand. Praise the Almighty day and night, bless Him
without ceasing, that He has lifted from your bosom this weight of woe.
Be reconciled to your husband's absence. Mourn not for a separation
which may prove the greatest blessing ever bestowed upon both. All may
yet be well. _It will be_, if God wills it; and if He wills it not, my
dear child, you must then lay your hand on your mouth, and your mouth in
the dust, and say, 'It is the Lord, let Him do what seemeth good in His
sight.'"
"I know it,--I feel it," I answered, tears raining on my pillow; "but
let me see my brother. It will do me good."
"By and by," said he; "he is not very strong himself yet. The young
rascal! if he had only confided to me the secret with which his heart
was bursting! But there is no use in crying over burnt bread. We must
keep it out of the fire next time."
The entrance of Edith checked this conversation, and it was well. She
came with her usual gentle motion, and fair, pitying countenance, and
diffused around her an atmosphere of divine repose. My brain, relieved
of the dreadful tension of suspense, throbbed soft and cool beneath the
snow of her loving fingers. She, too, was pale and wan, but she smiled
upon me with glistening eyes, and whispered words of sweetest
consolation.
It was not till after the lapse of several days that I was permitted to
see Richard, and then the doctor said he deserved a good whipping for
insisting on coming. He came into the room leaning on the arm of Dr.
Harlowe, and supported on the other side by Mrs. Linwood. He looked like
the shadow of his former self,--so white, so thin and languid, and his
countenance showed as plainly as words could speak, that he was struck
with the same sad change in me.
"Now no heroics, no scene," said the doctor; "say how do you do, and
shake hands, but not one bit of sentiment,--I forbid that entirely."
"My sister, my dear sister!" said Richard, bending down and kissing my
forehead. He reeled as he lifted his head, and would have fallen had not
Dr. Harlowe's strong arm supported him.
I longed to embrace him with all a sister's fondness, and pour out on
his bosom all my sorrow and my love; but the doctor was imperative, and
made him recline in an easy-chair by the bedside, threatening him with
instant dismission if he were not perfectly quiet and obedient. I saw
Richard start and shudder, as his eyes rested on my left arm, which hung
over the counterpane. The sleeve of my loose robe had slipped up, baring
the arm below the elbow. The start, the shudder, the look of anguish,
made me involuntarily raise it, and then I saw a scar, as of a recently
healed wound just below the elbow. I understood it all. The ball that
had penetrated his back, had passed through my arm, and thus prevented
it from reaching the citadel of life. That feeble arm had been his
safeguard and his shield; it had intercepted the bolt of death; it had
barricaded, as it were, the gates of hell.
Mrs. Linwood, who was standing by me, stooped down, kissed the scar, and
drew the sleeve gently over it. As she bowed her head, and I saw the
silver shadow on her late dark, brown hair, I felt how intense must have
been the suffering that wrought this wondrous change,--and I resolved to
bear unmurmuring my own sorrows, rather than add a feather's weight to
her burden of woe.
I remembered how the queenly locks of Marie Antoinette were whitened in
one night of agony. Perhaps my own dark tresses were crowned by
premature snow. I had not seen myself since the green of summer had
passed into the "sere and yellow leaf," and perhaps the blight of my
heart was visible on my brow. When I was alone with Edith, I surprised
her by asking if my hair were not white. She smiled, and bringing a
toilet glass, held it before me. What was my astonishment to see my hair
curling in short waves round my face, like the locks of childhood! And
such a face,--so white, so colorless. I hardly recognized myself, and
pushing back the glass, I burst into tears.
"Dear Gabriella!" said Edith, quite distressed, "I am sorry they cut off
your beautiful hair. But the doctor said it must be done. It does not
spoil you, though. You do not know how sweetly childish it makes you
look."
"I care not for the looks, Edith; it is not that. But it is so dreadful
to think of so many changes, and I unconscious of all. Such a long,
dreary blank! Where was my soul wandering? What fearful scenes may
hereafter dawn on my memory? Beauty! No, Edith; think not I weep for the
cloud that has passed over it. The only eyes in which I desired to
appear lovely, will never behold me more."
"You will not be the only sufferer, Gabriella," said Edith, mournfully.
"A dreadful blow has fallen upon us all; but for our mother's sake, if
not for a greater, we must endeavor to submit."
"Tell me, Edith, what I dare not ask of her, tell me where _he_ is gone,
and tell me the particulars of those first dark hours when my soul was
in such awful eclipse. I _must_ know; and when once told, I shall be
resigned, whatever be my fate."
Edith seated herself on the side of the bed, and leaned back so that I
could not look in her face. Then putting her arms round me, she drew me
towards her, and made me rest against her shoulder.
"If you grieve to listen, think how painful it is for me to relate,"
said she.
"I will," I answered; "I shall have strength to hear whatever you have
fortitude to tell."
"You must not ask a minute description of what will always be involved
in my remembrance in a horror of thick darkness. I know not how I got
home from Dr. Harlowe's, where the tidings reached me. My mother brought
you in the carriage, supported in her arms; and when I first saw you,
you were lying just where you are now, perfectly insensible. Richard was
carried to Dr. Harlowe's on a litter, and it was _then_ feared he might
not live."
Edith's voice faltered.
"It was after sunset. The saloon was dark, and all was gloom and
confusion in the household. Mamma and I were standing by your bed, with
our backs to the door, when we heard a hoarse, low voice behind us,
saying,--
"'Is she dead?'
"We turned, and beheld Ernest right in the door way, looking more like a
spectre than a human being.
"'No, no,' answered my mother; and almost running to meet him, she
seized him by the arm, drew him into the chamber, and closed the door.
He struggled to be released; but she seemed to have the strength of
numbers in her single grasp.
"'She is not dead,' said she, pointing to the bed, 'though she hears,
sees, knows nothing; but Richard will die, and you will be arrested as a
murderer. You must not linger here one moment. Go, and save yourself
from the consequences of this fatal act. Go, if you would not see me,
your mother, die in agony at your feet."
"Oh! Gabriella, had you seen her then, her who has such sublime
self-control, prostrate at his feet, wringing her hands and entreating
him to fly before it was too late, you would not wonder that the morning
sun shone on her silver hair.
"'I will not fly the death for which I groan,' cried Ernest. 'Had I ten
thousand lives, I would loathe and curse them all.'
"'Parricide, parricide,' exclaimed my mother, 'wo, wo be to him who
spurns a kneeling mother's prayer.'
"'Oh! my mother,' cried he, endeavoring to raise her from the ground,
while he shook as if with ague shiverings. 'I do not spurn you; but why
should I live, with a brand blacker than Cain's on my heart and
soul,--crushed, smitten, dishonored, and undone?'
"'Forbear, my son. This blighted form is sacred as it is spotless. Has
not blood quenched your maniac passion?'
"The eyes of Ernest flashed with lurid fire.
"'Locked in each other's arms they fell,' he muttered through his shut
teeth, 'heart to heart, mother. I saw them, and God, who will judge me,
saw them. No, she is _false, false, false_,--_false_ as the lost angels
who fell from paradise into the burning pit of doom.'
"But what am I doing, Gabriella? I did not mean to repeat this. I had
become so excited by the remembrance of that terrible scene, I knew not
what I was saying. You cannot bear it. I must not go on. What would my
mother, what would Dr. Harlowe say, if they knew of this?"
I entreated her to continue. I told her that nothing she had said was
half so dreadful as my imagination had depicted, that I grew strong with
my need of strength.
"And you and your mother believed him," I said, with astonishing
calmness; "you knew not that Richard was my brother."
"Had it not been for your wounded arm," replied Edith, laying her hand
gently on the scar, "we should have supposed he was under a strong
delusion to believe a lie. Appearances were against you, and your
condemnation was my brother's palliation, if not acquittal. My mother
continued her supplications, mingled with tears and sighs that seemed to
rend the life from her bosom; and I, Gabriella, do you think _I_ was
silent and passive? I, who would willingly have laid down my life for
his? We prevailed,--he yielded,--he left us in the darkness of
night,--the darkness of despair. It is more than two months since, and
we have received no tidings of the wanderer. My mother urged him to go
to New York and remain till he heard the fate of Richard. She has
written to him there, again and again, but as yet has received no
answer."
"And he went without one farewell look of her whom he deemed so
vile,--so lost?" said I, pressing Edith's hand against my cold and
sinking heart.
"No, Gabriella. His last act was to kneel by your side, and pray God to
forgive you both. Twice he went to the door, then coming back he bent
over you as if he would clasp you in his arms; then with a wild
ejaculation he turned away. Never saw I such anguish in the human
countenance."
"I have but one question more to ask," said I, after a long pause, whose
dreariness was that which follows the falling of the clods in the grave
hollow. "How did Ernest know that Richard was with me, when we left him
alone in the library?"
"Dr. Harlowe accidentally alluded to your father's history before
Richard, who, you recollect, was in foreign lands during the excitement
it caused, and had never heard the circumstances. As soon as he heard
the name of St. James, I saw him start, and turn to the doctor with a
flushed and eager countenance. Then he drew him one side, and they
conversed together some time in a low undertone; and Richard's face, red
one moment and white the next, flashed with strange and shifting
emotions. At the time when your father's name obtained such unhappy
notoriety, and yours through him, in the public papers, my mother
confided to Dr. Harlowe, who was greatly troubled on your account, the
particulars of your mother's life. She thought it due to your mother's
memory, and his steady friendship. I know not how much he told Richard,
whose manner evidently surprised him, but we all noticed that he was
greatly agitated; and then he abruptly took leave. He came immediately
here, and inquired for you, asked where you were gone, and hurried away
as if on an errand of life and death. Ernest, who was passing along the
winding gallery, heard him, and followed."
Another dreary pause. Then I remembered Julian, and the love-light that
had illumined them both that memorable evening. Edith had not once
alluded to her own clouded hopes. She seemed to have forgotten herself
in her mother's griefs and mine.
"And Julian, my beloved Edith? There is a future for you, a happy one,
is there not?"
"I do not expect happiness," she answered, with a sigh; "but Julian's
love will gild the gloom of sorrow, and be the rainbow of my clouded
days. He will return in the winter, and then perhaps he will not leave
me again. I cannot quit my mother; but he can take a son's place in her
desolated home. No garlands of roses will twine round my bridal hours,
for they are all withered, all but the rose of Sharon, Gabriella, whose
sacred bloom can never fade away. It is the only flower worth
cherishing,--the only one without thorns, and without blight."
Softly withdrawing her supporting arms, she suffered me to sink back on
the pillow, gave me a reviving cordial, drew the curtains, and taking up
a book, seemed absorbed in its contents. I closed my eyes and appeared
to sleep, that she might not suppose her narration had banished repose.
I had anticipated all she uttered; but the certainty of desolation is
different to the agonies of suspense. I could have borne the separation
from Ernest; but that he should believe me the false, guilty wretch I
had seemed to be, inflicted pangs sharper than the vulture's beak or the
arrow's barb. If he had left the country, as there was every reason to
suppose he had, with this conviction, he never would return; and the
loneliness and dreariness of a widowhood more sad than that which death
creates, would settle down darkly and heavily on my young life.
I did not blame him for the rash deed he had wrought, for it was a
madman's act. When I recalled the circumstances, I did not wonder at the
frantic passion that dyed his hand in blood; and yet I could not blame
myself. Had I shrunk from a brother's embrace, I should have been either
more or less than woman. I had yielded to a divine impulse, and could
appeal to nature and Heaven for justification.
But I had sinned. I had broken the canons of the living God, and
deserved a fearful chastisement. I had made unto myself an idol, and no
pagan idolater ever worshipped at his unhallowed shrine with more blind
devotion. I had been true to Ernest, but false to my Maker, the one
great and _jealous_ God. I had lived but for one object, and that object
was withdrawn, leaving all creation a blank.
I stood upon the lonely strand, the cold waves beating against my feet,
and the bleak winds piercing through my unsheltered heart. I stretched
out my arms to the wild waste of waters, in whose billows my life-boat
was whelmed, and I called, but there was none to answer. I cried for
help, but none came. Then I looked up to heaven, and high above the
darkness of the tempest and the gloom of the deep, one star shining in
solitary glory arrested my despairing gaze. I had seen it before with
the eye of faith, but never beaming with such holy lustre as now, when
all other lights were withdrawn.
"Brightest and best of the sons of the morning,
Dawn on my darkness, and lend me thine aid.
Star of the East, the horizon adorning,
Guide where the infant Redeemer is laid."
Why, tender and pitying Saviour, do we wait for the night time of sorrow
to fathom the depths of thy love and compassion? Why must every fountain
of earthly joy be dried up, before we bow to taste the waters of Kedron;
and every blossom of love be withered, before we follow thee to the
garden of Gethsemane?