confusion._)
EBENEZER (_catching_ MRS. FEZZIWIG _under the mistletoe_). I've got
ye! (_Kisses her._)
MRS. FEZZIWIG. God bless the boy!
EBENEZER. And God bless the merry Christmas!
FEZZIWIG. And now a dance, my hearties. Yo ho! For the old time
Christmas dance.
(_They dance a few figures of Sir Roger de Coverly or the Virginia
Reel. All are dancing wildly, swinging, etc., with plenty of loud
laughter, clapping of hands, etc., as the rear curtains are drawn.
Note: Use brilliant lights from R. and L. upon the rear stage._)
FIRST SPIRIT. What a small matter to make these silly folks so full of
gratitude and happiness.
SCROOGE (_astonished_). Small? It was the happiest time in my life.
FIRST SPIRIT. And yet your master only spent a few pounds of your
mortal money. Three or four, perhaps. And yet he kindled the true
spirit of Christmas in all your hearts.
SCROOGE. He could have made us miserable, but he made every day we
worked for him seem like Christmas.
FIRST SPIRIT (_gazes steadily at Scrooge, who becomes uneasy under the
look_). What's the matter now?
SCROOGE (_trying to appear unconcerned, but failing_). Oh, nothing!
FIRST SPIRIT (_gazing at him_). Something, I think.
SCROOGE. No, nothing; only this, I wish I could say a word or two to
my clerk just now. That's all. Poor fellow. I'm afraid I've been a
little hard on him. Poor Bob Cratchit!
FIRST SPIRIT. My work is thriving, but my time grows short. Quick, I
have another picture for you.
_Soft music. The curtains part, showing the scene as before, but only_
EBENEZER _and_ BELLA _are discovered. Soft music plays all through
this scene._
BELLA. It matters little to you, very little. Another idol has
displaced me, that's all. If it can comfort you and cheer you in time
to come, as I would have tried to do, I have no just cause to grieve.
EBENEZER (_irritated_). What idol has displaced you in my heart?
BELLA. An idol of gold.
EBENEZER. Well, I must make money. You know that. Poverty is the
hardest thing in the world.
BELLA. I have seen your nobler instincts fall off one by one. Now
nothing remains in your heart but the love of gold. Therefore, I am
releasing you from your engagement. (_Offers ring._)
EBENEZER. Have I ever sought release?
BELLA. In words, no; but in everything else, yes. I am penniless. If
you married me, you would probably regret it. So I release you with a
heart full of love for the noble man you once were.
EBENEZER. But, Bella--
BELLA. You will soon forget me. Your time and your mind will be full
of business, seeking after gold. The idol of gold has driven love
from your heart, but may you be happy and contented in the life you
have chosen. (_Rear curtains are drawn._)
FIRST SPIRIT. And are you happy and content in the life you have
chosen, Ebenezer Scrooge?
SCROOGE. No, a thousand times--no. I threw away her love, the one pure
thing in my life, for gold. And now I'm alone, alone. (_Sinks at desk
and sobs._)
FIRST SPIRIT. I have shown shadows of times that are passed. Have you
learned a lesson from the Spirit of Christmas Past?
SCROOGE. I have, I have; a bitter, bitter lesson.
FIRST SPIRIT. And will you see more?
SCROOGE. No, no. Show me no more. Torture me no longer.
FIRST SPIRIT. Remember the lesson you have learned. Remember the
kindness of your old master. Remember the love of your old sweetheart.
Your life is barren and bitter, but there is yet time for repentance.
(_Bell tolls twice._) The signal! My hour is past. On the stroke of
six my brother, the Spirit of the Christmas Present, will visit you.
Remember! Repent! Believe! Farewell, farewell, farewell!
FRONT CURTAIN SLOWLY FALLS.
STAVE II.
_Same scene as Stave I. Lights half up, but candles are not burning.
Rear curtains closed._ SCROOGE _is discovered asleep at his desk. The_
SPIRIT _of_ CHRISTMAS PRESENT _sits at R., a red light shining on him.
He carries a torch in which a red light burns. The bells toll six
times._ SCROOGE _suddenly awakens and gazes at_ SECOND SPIRIT.
SECOND SPIRIT. Arise, arise, Ebenezer Scrooge, and learn to know me
better.
SCROOGE (_frightened_). I don't believe I ever met you before.
SECOND SPIRIT. Probably not. I am the Spirit of Christmas. The Ghost
of Christmas Present.
SCROOGE. The Ghost of Christmas Present?
SECOND SPIRIT. I am a brother of the little Spirit of Christmas Past
who visited you before.
SCROOGE. And are you going to show me all my past misdeeds?
SECOND SPIRIT. Not me. I am going to show you your present misdeeds.
It is my mission to show you the love and comradeship of Christmas of
today. I travel among the common people. My torch is their
benediction. If there is a slight quarrel or any misunderstandings on
Christmas Day, I simply throw on them the light of my torch. And then
they say it is a shame to quarrel on Christmas Day--the Day of Peace
and Love. And so it is! God bless it! God bless Christmas Day!
SCROOGE. And what do you intend to show me?
SECOND SPIRIT. I intend to show you the House of Happiness.
SCROOGE. Is it a wonderful palace of gold?
SECOND SPIRIT. It is a humble little kitchen. In fact, the kitchen of
your poor clerk, Bob Cratchit. Bob, with his fifteen shillings a
week--with his wife and six children--with his shabby clothes and his
humble, shabby manners--Bob, with his little four-roomed house, and
his struggle to keep the wolf from the door. The Ghost of the
Christmas Present blesses his abode. Behold!
_Bright, cheerful music._ SCROOGE _and_ SECOND SPIRIT _cross to R. The
rear curtains open, showing the interior of the Cratchit kitchen.
Everything neat, but showing extreme poverty. Fireplace C. rear.
Kettle boiling on crane. Table down L.C. with red cloth and lighted
lamp. Cupboard up R. Old chairs around stage. Several pots of bright
flowers in evidence. A bird in a cage is singing over the mantel._
PETER _discovered watching the potatoes boiling in the kettle at the
fireplace. Enter_ MRS. CRATCHIT _and_ BELINDA _from L._
MRS. CRATCHIT. Hurry, Belinda; we must set the table right away. How's
the taters, Peter?
PETER (_peeks in the kettle_). Boiling, mammy, boiling.
MRS. CRATCHIT. Here, carry the lamp over there.
BELINDA. Yes, ma'am. (_Puts lamp on cupboard._)
MRS. CRATCHIT. And now where's the white table cloth?
BELINDA (_getting it from cupboard_). Here it is, mammy. (_They place
castor, plates, knives, etc., on table during the following scene._)
MRS. CRATCHIT. Whatever has got your precious father, I wonder? He and
Tiny Tim's been at the church these three hours.
_Enter_ BOB _and_ BETTY _from R. They run down and kiss_ MRS.
CRATCHIT.
BOB. Oh, mumsy, we saw the goose, we did. We peeked in through the
bakery window and we saw the goose, we did.
BETTY. And we smelled him, too. And we went inside, we did. And the
baker asked us what was wantin'. And Bob said he wanted to know which
goose was the Cratchit goose.
BOB. And he pointed to the very biggest one, mumsy. Didn't he, Betty?
BETTY. And it was all nice and browny on top. And he said it 'ud be
ready in 'bout twenty minutes. Didn't he, Bob?
BOB. And it was the best looking goose I ever saw, it was. It just
made me hungry to see him and to smell him baking.
BETTY. And it had sage and onion stuffing, mumsy, didn't it, Bob?
MRS. CRATCHIT. I'm sure there never was such a goose before, and I'm
sure there never will be such a goose again. How's the 'taters, Peter?
PETER (_looks in kettle_). Boilin', mammy, boilin'.
BOB. Oh, Peter's got on pa's shirt collar, he has. Peter's got on pa's
shirt collar.
PETER. If I didn't have to mind these 'taters, I'd show you!
MRS. CRATCHIT. I can't think what's keeping your father, and your
brother Tiny Tim. And Martha wasn't as late last Christmas Day by half
an hour.
_Enter_ MARTHA _from R._
MARTHA. Here's Martha, mumsy.
BOB (_dragging her down to Mrs. Cratchit_). Here's Martha, mumsy.
BETTY. Oh, Martha, there's such a goose! Isn't there, Bob?
MRS. CRATCHIT (_hugging and kissing_ MARTHA). Why, bless your heart
alive, my dear, how late you are! (_Takes off her bonnet and shawl._)
MARTHA. We'd a deal of work to finish up last night. I was on my feet
all day. Oh, why won't people learn to do their Christmas shopping
early. If they'd only stop to give a moment's thought to the poor
clerks.
MRS. CRATCHIT. There, there, my dear, sit ye down. Here's the big
chair, Martha. (BOB _has been sitting in the big chair at R., but_
MRS. CRATCHIT _simply turns it forward, letting_ BOB _slip to the
floor, and seats_ MARTHA _therein._) Well, never mind, as long as
you're home at last, Martha. Draw your chair up to the fire and have a
warm. God bless you. How's the 'taters, Pete?
PETER (_looking in kettle_). Boilin', mammy, boilin'.
MARTHA (_sitting in front of the fire_). Oh, mumsy, ain't this
Heavenly? Be it ever so humble there's no place like home.
BETTY (_at door R._). Father's coming, father's coming.
BOB. Hide yourself, Martha. Here, here. (_Pulls her to L._)
BETTY (_helping her_). Hurry up. Hide, hide! (_Exit_ MARTHA _at L._)
_Bright music. Enter_ CRATCHIT _carrying_ TINY TIM _on his shoulder._
TINY TIM _carries a little crutch._
CRATCHIT (_down C._). Why, where's our Martha?
MRS. CRATCHIT (_down L._). Not coming.
CRATCHIT. Not coming? Not coming--on Christmas Day?
MARTHA (_rushing in from L._). No, father, it's only a joke. Here I
am, father, here I am. (_Rushes into his arms._)
BETTY (_taking Tiny Tim_). Come on, Tiny Tim, out to the wash-house.
We've got something to show you, we have. Ain't we, Bob?
BOB. You bet we have, Tiny Tim. Come and hear the Christmas pudding
singing in the wash boiler. Come on! (_Exit_ BOB, _followed by_ BETTY
_and_ TINY TIM, _at L._)
MRS. CRATCHIT (_taking Cratchit's hat and muffler and hanging them
up_). And how did Tiny Tim behave in the church, father?
CRATCHIT. As good as gold and better. Somehow he gets thoughtful,
sitting by himself so much, and thinks the strangest things you ever
heard. (_Sits at L. surrounded by all._) He told me, coming home, that
he hoped the people saw him in the church, because he was a cripple,
and it might be pleasant to them to remember upon Christmas Day, who
it was who made lame beggars walk and blind men see. (_Trembling
voice._) Little Tim is growing stronger and more hearty every day.
_Enter_ TINY TIM _from L._
TIM. I heard the pudding singing a song in the wash boiler, I did.
MRS. CRATCHIT. Everything is ready. Bob, you and Betty run across the
street to the baker's and fetch the goose.
BOB. Come on, Betty. (_Runs out R. with_ BETTY.)
MRS. CRATCHIT. I've got the gravy to heat, right away. Peter, mash the
potatoes. Belinda, sweeten up the apple sauce! Martha, the hot plates!
(_All bustle around, setting table._ CRATCHIT _with_ TIM, _on his
knee, sit before the fire._)
BELINDA. We haven't got enough chairs, mumsy.
CRATCHIT. This young shaver can sit on my knee.
MRS. CRATCHIT. Peter, set up the chairs.
_Enter_ BOB _and_ BETTY _from R. bearing a roast goose in a baking
pan._
BOB. Here it is, mumsy.
BETTY. Here's the goose. (MRS. CRATCHIT _puts it on plate on table._)
BELINDA. What a wonderful goose.
MARTHA. And how big it is! (_All take seats._)
BOB. And don't it smell good!
BETTY. Hurray for the Christmas goose.
TIM. Hurray! (CRATCHIT _makes signal, all bend heads for a silent
grace._)
CRATCHIT (_after pronounced pause_). And God bless Christmas Day.
TIM. God bless us all, every one. (CRATCHIT _and_ MRS. CRATCHIT _serve
the meal. All eat._)
CRATCHIT. I've got a situation in my eye for Master Peter.
PETER. A situation for me?
CRATCHIT. Yes, sir, for you. Full five-and-sixpence weekly.
ALL. Oh, Peter!
BOB. Peter will be a man of business, won't you, Peter?
PETER. What'll I do with all that money?
CRATCHIT. Invest it, invest it, my lad. It's a bewildering income.
MARTHA. Who do you think was in the shop yesterday? You'll never
guess. A countess and a real lord.
ALL. Martha!
MARTHA. A real, live lord, as fine as silk and just about as tall as
Peter here.
PETER (_pulls his collar up high and tosses his head_). As big as me?
(WAITS _outside sing two verses of Christmas Carol, as before._)
CRATCHIT (_goes to door_). Here's a sixpence for you, and God bless
you all.
WAITS (_outside_). Thankee, sir. Merry Christmas, sir.
BELINDA. And now the pudding.
BETTY. Oh, suppose it should break in turning it out.
MARTHA. Or suppose it isn't done enough.
BOB. Suppose somebody should have got over the wall of the backyard
and stolen it while we were in here eating the goose.
MRS. CRATCHIT. Nonsense. I'll get the Christmas pudding. (_Exits._)
BOB (_very much excited_). Oh, I can smell it, I can. I smell the
pudding.
_Enter_ MRS. CRATCHIT _bearing dish of pudding, decked with holly, and
blazing._
CRATCHIT. Oh, it's a wonder, mother, it's a wonder.
BETTY. It looks like a little speckled cannon-ball.
BOB. But just wait till you taste it; that's all. (_It is served._)
CRATCHIT (_rises_). I have a toast. Mr. Scrooge! I'll give you Mr.
Scrooge, the founder of the feast.
MRS. CRATCHIT (_indignantly_). The founder of the feast indeed! I
wish I had him here. I'd give him a piece of my mind to feast upon,
and I hope he'd have a good appetite for it.
CRATCHIT (_remonstrating gently_). My dear, the children! Christmas
Day.
MRS. CRATCHIT. He's an odious, stingy, hard, unfeeling man. You know
he is, Robert. Nobody knows it better than you do.
CRATCHIT (_mildly_). My dear, Christmas Day!
MRS. CRATCHIT. Then I'll drink his health, for your sake and the
Day's, not for his. Long life to him! A Merry Christmas and a Happy
New Year! He'll be very merry and happy, I've no doubt.
CRATCHIT. And now a Merry Christmas to us all, my dears. God bless us.
ALL (_rising_). A very Merry Christmas.
TIM. And God bless us every one!
(_The tableau curtains are slowly drawn._)
SCROOGE. Spirit, tell me if Tiny Tim will live.
SECOND SPIRIT. I see a vacant seat in the poor chimney-corner, and a
little crutch without an owner. If these shadows remained unaltered by
the future, the child will die.
SCROOGE. No, no, kind Spirit! Say he will be spared.
SECOND SPIRIT. If he be like to die, he had better do it, and decrease
the surplus population. Your very words, Scrooge. Decrease the surplus
population. (SCROOGE _hangs his head in shame._) Man, if man you be in
heart, forbear that wicked cant. Will you decide what men shall live,
and what men shall die? It may be that in the sight of Heaven you are
more worthless and less fit to live than millions like this poor man's
child.
SCROOGE. Forgive me, forgive me.
SECOND SPIRIT. You have seen the spirit of Christmas bless this poor
dwelling. They were not a handsome family, they were not well dressed;
their clothes were scanty and their shoes far from being
water-proof--but they were happy, grateful, pleased with one another,
and contented with the Christmas time. They are my children. Have you
learned your lesson? (_Chimes ring._) My hour is spent.
SCROOGE. I have learned the lesson, Spirit of Christmas. I have seen
happiness, in spite of poverty. A happiness that all my gold cannot
buy. I have seen the Christmas spirit. Forgive me that I ever dared to
utter a word against Christmas. Forgive me! Forgive me! (_The chimes
continue ringing, the_ SPIRIT _glides out._ SCROOGE _kneels in prayer,
muttering, "Forgive me! Forgive me!"_)
CURTAIN.
STAVE III.
_Same scene as before, the rear curtains drawn together._ SCROOGE _is
discovered seated at his desk, his head buried in his hands. The_
THIRD SPIRIT _stands at C. with green, ghastly light on him from R.
This is the only light on the stage. The bells toll six._
SCROOGE (_awakens_). I am in the presence of the Ghost of Christmas
Yet to Come.
THIRD SPIRIT (_inclines head_).
SCROOGE. You are going to show me the shadows of things that are to
happen in the future?
THIRD SPIRIT (_inclines head_).
SCROOGE. I fear you more than any I have yet seen. But I know you are
working for my welfare, so I will see your visions with a thankful
heart. Will you not speak to me?
THIRD SPIRIT (_points downward with R. hand_).
SCROOGE. No word for me. Well, have you anything to show me?
THIRD SPIRIT (_points to rear stage. The curtains part. Rear stage is
draped in white sheets, with bare trees at R. and L. A grave with
carved headstone is at C. Blue lights on this scene. Snow falls. Bells
heard tolling in the distance._)
SCROOGE. A churchyard!
THIRD SPIRIT (_goes to rear stage, points to tombstone._)
SCROOGE. Before I draw nearer to that stone to which you point, answer
me one question. Are these the shadows of the things that Will be, or
are they the shadows of things that May be, only?
THIRD SPIRIT (_points to stone_).
SCROOGE (_creeps tremblingly toward it, moving very slowly, bends
over, reads the name, screams_). Ebenezer Scrooge! My tombstone, my
grave! No, Spirit, no, no! (_Rushes to desk, sinks in chair._) I am
not the man I was. I am not past all hope. I will honor Christmas in
my heart, and try to keep it all the year. Save me, save me!
(_The rear curtains are slowly closed_)
SCROOGE (_rising_). I will keep Christmas in the past, the present and
the future. The spirits of all three shall strive within me. Heaven be
praised for this Christmas warning. (_Laughing._) I don't know what to
do. I'm as light as a feather, I'm as happy as an angel, I'm as merry
as a schoolboy. A Merry Christmas to everybody. A happy New Year to
all the world. Hip, hurrah!
(_Christmas chimes heard outside. Waits singing in the distance._)
WAITS (_singing louder, music, page 169_):
Christ was born on Christmas Day,
Wreathe the holly, twine the bay,
Light and Life and Joy is He,
The Babe, the Son,
The Holy One
Of Mary.
SCROOGE (_rushes to the door_). Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas. God
bless ye! (_Flings them a handful of coins._)
FIRST WAIT. Thankee, sir.
SCROOGE (_grabs him and brings him down C._). What day is this, my
merry lad?
WAIT. Hey?
SCROOGE. What day is this my lad?
WAIT (_loudly_). Today! Why, Christmas Day!
SCROOGE. Do you know the grocer's in the next street?
WAIT. I should hope I did.
SCROOGE. Do you know whether they've sold the prize turkey that was
hanging up there? Not the little prize turkey, the big prize turkey?
WAIT. What, the one as big as me?
SCROOGE. Yes, my buck.
WAIT. It's hanging there now.
SCROOGE. Is it? Go and buy it.
WAIT. Aw, go on!
SCROOGE. No, no; I'm in earnest. Go and buy it and tell 'em to bring
it here, that I may tell 'em where to take it. Come back with the man,
and I'll give you a shilling. Come back with him in less than five
minutes, and I'll give you half-a-crown.
WAIT. Watch me. (_Rushes out._)
SCROOGE. What a fine little fellow. See him run. I'll send the turkey
to Bob Cratchit's. He shan't know who sends it. It's twice the size of
Tiny Tim. He should be here by now.
_Enter_ CRATCHIT _from R._
CRATCHIT. Morning, sir. (_Takes off cap and muffler, goes to desk,
starts to work._)
SCROOGE (_at desk_). What do you mean by coming here at this time of
day?
CRATCHIT. I'm very sorry, sir. Very, very sorry.
SCROOGE. Sorry? (_Sarcastically._) Yes, you are! Come here! Come here
at once! Understand!
CRATCHIT (_comes to Scrooge's desk_). If you please, sir--
SCROOGE. I'm not going to stand this sort of thing any longer. And
therefore (_rises, dances toward_ CRATCHIT, _digs him in ribs_), and
therefore I am about to raise your salary.
CRATCHIT. Heavens! The master has gone plumb crazy.
SCROOGE. I'm going to help you and your family. I'm going to be a
Godfather to all of 'em. The two girls and Master Peter, Bob, Betty
and to dear Tiny Tim. Home to your family, now. Home to them, Bob
Cratchit--and merry Christmas to you and yours. God bless you.
_Enter_ FRED _from R._
FRED. Here I am again, uncle. Merry Christmas.
SCROOGE (_rushes to him and shakes his hands heartily_). And the same
to you, my lad, and many of 'em. I'm going to eat Christmas dinner
with you this day. I'm going to honor Christmas in my heart, and keep
it every day in the year. I will live in the past, the present and the
future. The spirits of all three shall strive within me. (_Stands C._,
FRED _on his R._, CRATCHIT _on his L. He takes their hands._) Merry
Christmas, boys, and God bless us!
FRED _and_ CRATCHIT. The same to you, sir. God bless us.
(_Rear curtains are drawn back, showing the Cratchit family at the
table._ TINY TIM _stands on table._)
TIM. God bless us everyone!
(_All unite in singing Christmas Carol to--_)
SLOW CURTAIN.
THE SCENERY.
[Illustration]
TABLEAUX ON REAR STAGE.
No. 1. A room. Barrel up L. for fiddler. Desk at R. Sign on wall
"Fezziwig and Company." Garlands of green.
No. 2. Ebenezer and Bella. Same scene as No. 1.
No. 3. Cratchit's kitchen. Table at C. and home-made fireplace at rear
C. are the only essentials, with a few stools or chairs. Fireplace
made of a few boards covered with red paper marked like bricks with
white chalk or paint.
No. 4. White sheets hang at back and sides. Two small evergreen trees
nailed in position, white cotton hanging from them. Grave at C.
covered with snow. Wooden headstone painted white and small footstone.
The headstone may be in the form of a cross or a slab.
COSTUMES.
SCROOGE--Should be played by a thin man of middle age, if possible.
Gray hair. Shabby dark suit. Face lined. No jewelry or colors. If
desired to costume the play in the middle Victorian period, Scrooge
should wear very tight dark trousers, brown low cut vest, shabby black
full-dress coat, soft white shirt, black stock tie, high collar made
by taking an ordinary turn-over collar and turning it up.
BOB CRATCHIT--Very shabby dark suit. Long white woolen muffler. Old
cap. Suit should be the same style as that worn by Scrooge, but much
shabbier. Clothing neatly patched. He wears a sprig of mistletoe or
holly in Staves 1 and 2.
FRED--Bright, cheerful young man of 22. Overcoat and top hat. Ruffled
shirt, stock tie and collar as for Scrooge.
MISSION LASSIES--Dark skirts, capes, blue poke bonnets with red ribbon
across front.
THE GHOST OF JACOB MARLEY--Long black robe. Black hood. Chains around
waist, with toy money banks on chains. Take a skeleton false face and
with gray and black and white grease paint make up your own face like
a false face. Or if desired, wear the false face. Speak in low
monotone.
FIRST SPIRIT--A little girl of 10. Long light hair. White Grecian
draperies trimmed with tinsel. Crown of tinsel.
SECOND SPIRIT--Man dressed in a red robe, trimmed with sprigs of green
pine. White cotton border to represent snow. Cap of white cotton.
THIRD SPIRIT--Use same costume and make-up as Marley's Ghost.
WAITS--White smocks, ragged trousers. Felt hats twined with red and
green ribbon. Carry branches of holly.
MR. FEZZIWIG--Low shoes with pasteboard buckles covered with tinfoil.
Short black trousers. White stockings. Fancy colonial coat and hat.
White colonial wig. A short, stout man of middle age. Always laughing,
moving around, etc.
MRS. FEZZIWIG--Middle-aged lady in gay colonial tuck-up dress. White
colonial wig.
EBENEZER and DICK--Two young men in colonial costume. No wigs.
THE FIDDLER--White wig and whiskers. Long white smock. Hat trimmed
with ribbons.
BELLA--Neat colonial costume of pink and white. Hair in curls.
THE CRATCHIT FAMILY--Old-fashioned costumes, faded and worn, but
bright with cheap lace and gay ribbons. Peter wears a large white
collar.
HER CHRISTMAS HAT
[Illustration:
WARREN WILLIAMS KITTY, HIS WIFE MISS MINERVA MOCKRIDGE
MAGINNIS GOOGIN EDDIE MRS HONORIA GOOGIN
MRS LAURA LACEY HOGAN HARD TIMES ANNIE]
HER CHRISTMAS HAT
A FARCE IN ONE ACT.
CHARACTERS.
WARREN WILLIAMS _A Young Architect_
KITTY _His Wife_
MISS MINERVA MOCKRIDGE _From Kankakee_
MAGINNIS GOOGIN _The Janitor of the Apartment_
MRS. HONORIA GOOGIN _His Wife_
EDDIE _The Elevator Boy_
MRS. LAURA LACEY _Kitty's Chum_
HOGAN _A Policeman_
HARD TIMES ANNIE _A Beggar_
* * * * *
TIME OF PLAYING--_About Forty-five Minutes._
* * * * *
SCENE: _Living room in an apartment house. Furnishings as desired.
Several Christmas wreaths adorn the room._ KITTY _is discovered
comfortably seated down L. reading a fashion magazine. The door bell
at R. rings._
KITTY. Come in.
_Enter_ EDDIE, _the colored elevator boy. He carries several Christmas
packages._
EDDIE. Yas'm, I'm in.
KITTY. Eddie!
EDDIE. Yas'm, it's me. I 'clare I's loaded up like a reg'lar old Santa
Claus. (_Laughs loudly._) Yas'm, I sure am.
KITTY. Anything for us, Eddie?
EDDIE. Two packages for you and one for Mr. Williams. Santa Claus is
sure liberal to you-all.
KITTY (_taking the three packages_). Thank you, Eddie.
EDDIE (_briskly_). I don't usually bring up de mail, Mis' Williams,
but this is Christmas Day and mos' everybody is anxious to git all
dat's comin' to 'em. I knows I is.
KITTY. Have you had a merry Christmas, Eddie?
EDDIE. No'm, not yet. All I got is a yaller and green striped necktie
from (_insert local name_). He's been wearin' it for more'n a year.
KITTY (_has opened smaller package_). Oh, it's from Rannie Stewart.
(_Takes off tissue paper, disclosing a small bit of white embroidery
tied with a huge pink bow._) Mercy! Another pin-cushion cover. That
makes six I have already. Cost about twenty cents, and I sent her a
perfectly lovely doily embroidered with scarlet forget-me-nots. I'll
never send Rannie Stewart another present as long as I live. (_Throws
box and wrappings into waste basket._) Pink! And she knows my rooms
are in blue and yellow. Eddie!
EDDIE. Yas'm.
KITTY. Here's a little Christmas present for you. (_Hands it to him._)
EDDIE (_reads card on it_). "Merry Christmas to my Darling Kittens."
Is dat for me?
KITTY. Oh, no; not the card, just the embroidery.
EDDIE (_holding it up_). Lawdy, Mis' Williams, what is dis yere? A
dust cap?
KITTY. It's a cover for a pin-cushion. Isn't it a dear?
EDDIE. I hopes you'll excuse me, but honest I hain't got no more use
for dat thing dan a pussy cat has for a hot water bottle.
KITTY (_opening larger package_). Throw it in the waste basket, Eddie.
This is from Warren. I know the handwriting. It looks like a hat.
(_Opens box and removes wrappings, disclosing a hideous red and orange
hat._) Heavens, what a nightmare! Red and orange and a style four
years old. It must have come from the five and ten cent store. Look at
the plume! Oh!
EDDIE (_admiring it_). Um-um, dat shore am a fine present. Your
husband certainly am a man ob taste, he shore am.
KITTY (_sarcastically_). Yes, he has wonderful taste, hasn't he? A
little bizarre. No, it's more than bizarre; it's baroque.
EDDIE. It looks like a hat to me.
KITTY. I know what I'll do. (_Wraps it up and puts it back in box._)
EDDIE. Dat certainly was a nice present, Mis' Williams. Must have cost
a heap of money.
KITTY. It probably did. But it isn't my style. And Madame Brunot never
exchanges hats. What a shame! I suppose he paid an enormous price for
it and I could have satisfied myself with one for half the money. If
only men would allow their wives to select their own Christmas
presents.
_Enter_ LAURA LACEY _from R._
LAURA. Hello, Kittens. I saw your door open and came right in.
KITTY (_kisses her_). That's right, Lolly. I was just going over to
your apartment. I have a little present for you.
LAURA. A present? You dear! (_Kisses her again._)
KITTY. Yes. Here! (_Gives her the box containing the hat._) I hope
you'll like it.
LAURA. A hat? Oh, you darling! (_Kisses her again._)
WARREN (_outside L._). Kitty!
KITTY (_goes to door at L._). Yes, Warren?
WARREN. I can't find my collar button.
KITTY. Did you look on the dresser?
WARREN. Of course I did. I've looked every place except in the
refrigerator.
KITTY. I'll be back in a minute, Laura. Excuse me. (_Hurries out L._)
LAURA (_opens the box hastily and takes out the hat_). Red and orange!
Horrors! And I gave her a cut glass cold-cream jar that I got at the
auction. I wouldn't wear this to a dog fight. Eddie!
EDDIE. Yas'm.
LAURA. You've been a good boy to us all year. I'm going to give you a
lovely Christmas present.
EDDIE. Is you?
LAURA. I'm going to give you this duck of a hat. (_Holds it up._)
EDDIE (_delighted_). Dat red and yaller hat?
LAURA. Yes. Hurry and put it in the box. I don't want Kitty Williams
to know I gave her Christmas present away. (_They put it in box._)
EDDIE. Um-um! Dat shore am some Christmas present. Won't ma lady-love
be delighted with all dat gorgeousness? I certainly am much obliged to
you, Mis' Lacey; I shore am.
LAURA. When Kitty comes back tell her I was called to the 'phone.
(_Goes to door R._) I'll never give Kitty Williams another present as
long as I live. (_Exits R._)
_Enter_ WARREN WILLIAMS _from L._
WARREN. Hello, Eddie. Are you acting as Santa Claus?
EDDIE (_who has put the hat on floor at rear_). Yas, sah; yas, sah.
I's old Santa Claus to most everybody 'cept maself. Looks like old
Christmas done passed me by.
WARREN (_sees package on table_). Hello, here's a present for me.
EDDIE. Yas, sah. I brung it up.
WARREN (_opens it_). Cigars! From my wife. (_Looks at box dubiously._)
She must have got them at a bargain sale. (_Reads cover._) Santas
Odoriferous. (_Passes box to Eddie._) Have a cigar, Eddie.
EDDIE. Yas, sah. Thank you, boss.
WARREN (_lighting one_). Now, that certainly is a sensible present. So
many women don't know how to select a cigar, but Kitty--
EDDIE (_smoking_). Yas, sah. Your wife certainly am a lady ob
discernibility. She shore am.
WARREN. So many women give their husbands such foolish presents.
EDDIE. De lady in Apartment B done give her husband a pearl La
Valliere for Christmas.
WARREN (_takes cigar from mouth, looks at it a moment, replaces it and
smokes furiously_). You like a good cigar, don't you, Eddie?
EDDIE (_removes his cigar, looks at it, replaces it_). Yas, sah. I
likes a _good_ cigar.
WARREN. I tell you these are something like cigars, aren't they?
EDDIE. Yas, sah. Dey's sumpin like 'em, boss, but not quite.
WARREN (_chokes and then throws cigar in cuspidor_). I don't believe I
care to smoke just now.
EDDIE (_does the same_). Neither does I, boss; neither does I.
WARREN. You wouldn't like a nice box of cigars for a Christmas
present, would you, Eddie?
EDDIE (_slowly_). No, sah, I don' 'spects I would. Ma lady-love don't
like to hab me smoke no cigars, kase she says it contaminates ma
presence. Well, I's got to go and deliber de res' ob my Christmas
packages. Merry Christmas, boss. (_Exit R., carrying the hat in the
box._)
_Enter_ KITTY _from L._
KITTY. Warren, I've laid out the costumes in your room. They're too
lovely for anything.
WARREN. Well, did you get it?
KITTY. Get it?
WARREN. Your Christmas present.
KITTY. Oh, yes, I got it. (_Looks around._) Why, where is Lolly?
WARREN. She probably got tired of waiting and went back to her
apartment. How did you like the hat?
KITTY. It was a dream. You're such a good boy and you have the most
wonderful taste in the world.
WARREN. Your cigars were just what I wanted.
KITTY. Why aren't you smoking one?
WARREN. I did. Just one.
KITTY. Just one?
WARREN (_hastily_). I mean--I only smoke one cigar in the afternoon,
you know. But where is your hat?
KITTY. I'm going to have it fixed over a little, Warren. Just enough
to suit my own individuality, you know.
WARREN. Jack Dawson gave his wife a cook stove.
KITTY. Speaking of impossible presents, I just got the most horrible
pin-cushion cover from Rannie Stewart. I threw it in the waste basket.
WARREN. That's what comes of promiscuous giving. I told you how it
would be. First I decided not to buy anything at all, but I couldn't
resist that hat. Your tickets to the masquerade dinner and ball are
the rest of the present.
KITTY. But I told Lolly we'd take tickets from her.
WARREN. I know. I haven't bought the tickets yet. I meant the money
for them was the rest of your present. That and the hat. All my
presents are beautiful practical things that every one wants.
KITTY. Yes, that's so. You have wonderful taste.
WARREN. I didn't even give Eddie anything.
KITTY. It doesn't matter. Oh, Warren. (_Sits on arm of his chair._)
I'm so glad we're going to have tonight all to ourselves. Aunt Minerva
would have spoiled everything.
WARREN. Is she so very awful?
KITTY. Not awful; just good. Real downright good. And so intellectual.
I'm sure she'd never approve of a Christmas masquerade.
(_Ring at the bell at R._)
KITTY. See who it is.
WARREN _admits_ MAGINNIS GOOGIN _from R._
GOOGIN. Merry Christmas, sor.
WARREN. The same to you, Googin.
GOOGIN. I jest drapped in to see if you naded any more heat or
anything like that. My, my, but I've been working hard the day. Sure,
to be the janitor of an apartment house is no cinch at all, at all.
And paple are not as liberal as they used to be, aven at Christmas
time.
WARREN. Have a cigar.
GOOGIN. Thank ye, sor. (_Smokes one._)
KITTY. Warren, you'd better try on your costume. I might have to
change something, you know.
WARREN. But I--
KITTY. Please. We haven't got much time. It's after four.
WARREN (_crosses to left_). All right. (_Exits L._)
KITTY. Now, Mr. Googin, I want you to go down stairs and tell your
wife to come up. I have a nice little present for her.
GOOGIN (_brightening_). Have ye, now? A prisint for Honoria? Sure,
it's a kind and thoughtful lady ye are.
KITTY. She's at home, isn't she?
GOOGIN. She is that.
KITTY. Ask her to come up here and wish us a merry Christmas.
WARREN _appears at L._
WARREN. Kitty, how does that ruffle thing work? I can't get it around
my head at all. I don't know the combination.
KITTY. Oh, I must have sewed it together. Can't you get it over your
head?
WARREN. Not without choking myself.
KITTY. Wait a minute. I'll rip it for you. (_Exits L._)
WARREN (_gets box of cigars and hands it to Googin_). Here's a little
Christmas present, Googin. They're awfully good. I smoked two of them.
GOOGIN (_lights one_). Thank ye, sor.
WARREN. Don't let my wife see you smoking in here. She doesn't like
it.
GOOGIN (_chokes, takes cigar from mouth, looks at it_). What kind of a
stogie is it, Mr. Williams?
WARREN. It's pure Havana. Santas Odoriferous.
GOOGIN (_smells it_). It's odoriferous all right, all right. Begorry,
it smells like someone had been burnin' the beans.
WARREN. That's the way all pure Havanas smell.
GOOGIN. I think I'll chop 'em up and smoke 'em in me pipe. Much
obliged, sor, and merry Christmas to the both of yeez. Tell yer wife
that me and Honoria will be right up. (_Exits R._)
_Enter_ KITTY _from L._
KITTY. It's all right now. I left an opening. And I sewed on the last
pompon. Warren, don't you think we ought to remember the Googins?
WARREN. I do remember them. When people have faces like the Googins
one never forgets them.
KITTY. He's such a good janitor. Really, I think we ought to make them
a little present.
WARREN. But I'm busted, Kitty. Those masquerade tickets will take our
last cent.
KITTY. We might give the Googins some little thing here. (_Looks
around._) I have it!
WARREN. Yes?
KITTY. We'll give them Aunt Minerva's picture.
WARREN. Thank goodness. At last we've found a use for Aunt Minerva's
picture. Ever since you hung it up there it's haunted me. But the
Googins don't want it.
KITTY. I'm sure they will. They're frightfully poor and it would just
match their furniture, I'm sure. Henceforth Aunt Minerva shall shed
her light in the basement.
_Enter_ MRS. GOOGIN _from R., followed by_ GOOGIN, _smoking a cigar._
MRS. GOOGIN. A merry Christmas to the both of yeez. (_To_ KITTY.) Me
man Maginnis tould me ye wanted to see me.
KITTY (_at R._). Yes, indeed; come right in.
MRS. GOOGIN. I know what it is, darlin'. Sure it's a bit of a prisint
fer me and the childer, now ain't it, Mrs. Williams? (_Smiles._)
KITTY (_at R._). What a good guesser you are.
MRS. GOOGIN. The Widow O'Toole, her in Apartment C, was after givin'
me one of her ould worn-out waists. But I took her down a peg as quick
as a wink. I'm a lady, I am, and me mother was a lady before me, and I
don't accept cast-off clothes fer Christmas prisints.
KITTY. You don't. (_At R.C. near front with_ MRS. GOOGIN.)
GOOGIN (_at rear L. with_ WARREN). And nather do I.
MRS. GOOGIN. The ould bachelor in Apartment F gave me a fine prisint.
I brung it up to show yeez. (_Shows fancy waste basket, tied with
ribbon bows._) It's a new bunnet. (_Puts it on her head._) Sure,
that's a Christmas prisint that touches me heart.
KITTY. I'm going to give you that picture. (_Points to crayon
portrait._)
MRS. GOOGIN. The picture of the ould lady, is it?
KITTY. Yes. It's a lovely frame.
MRS. GOOGIN. And it's a nice lookin' ould lady, too. She looks a
little like me own mother, who before she was married to a Mulvaney
was a McShane.
KITTY. Warren, take it down.
WARREN. With pleasure. (_Takes picture down._)
MRS. GOOGIN (_taking the picture_). Sure, I have no picture of me own
mother at all, at all. More's the pity. I'll jist take this picture
and then I'll be after tellin' all me frinds that it is a likeness of
me mother who was a McShane from County Kilkenny. (_Sits R._)
GOOGIN. Would ye decave yer frinds, Honoria?
MRS. GOOGIN. A little deception is the spice of life. And besides it
looks enough like herself to be her own photygraft. Don't it,
Maginnis?
GOOGIN. Sure it looks like a chromo to me.
MRS. GOOGIN (_angrily_). A chromo, is it?
GOOGIN. Yis, or wan of them comic valentines.
MRS. GOOGIN. Listen to that now. He says me own mother looks like a
chromo and a comic valentine. I'm a lady, I am, and me mother was a
lady before me, and if I wasn't a lady, sure I'd break the picture
over yer head, Maginnis Googin. Insulted am I and right before me
face! (_Weeps._) Oh, wurra, wurra, that me own ould mother, who was a
McShane, should live to see that day whin her daughter's own husband
would call her a comic valentine. (_Weeps and rocks back and forth._)
GOOGIN (_close to her_). I said nawthin' about yer mother, Honoria
Googin. I only remarked that the picture resimbled a comic valentine.
And it do. And I'll lave it to Mr. Williams whither I'm right or no.
MRS. GOOGIN (_rises with dignity, goes to_ KITTY). I thank ye kindly
fer yer prisint, Mrs. Williams, and I wish yeez all the compliments of
the season. (_Turns to_ GOOGIN _savagely._) As fer you, Maginnis
Googin, ather ye beg me mother's pardon fer yer insults, or it's
nather bite ner sup ye'll git in my house this night. (_Sails out at
R. carrying picture and waste basket._)
GOOGIN. Wait a minute. Listen to me, Nora, darlin'. Let me explain.
(_Follows her out at R._)
WARREN. Well, there goes Aunt Minerva.
KITTY. And she sent it to us last Christmas.
WARREN. I'm glad she decided not to visit us this year. Money is
scarce at the end of the month and she's better off in Kankakee. New
York isn't any place for Aunt Minerva on Christmas Day.
KITTY. I'm afraid auntie's gait is not quite up to New York in the
holiday season.
WARREN. I think I'll try on my costume. Are you sure I can get into
the ruff now?
KITTY. Oh, yes. Wasn't that stupid of me? Just like making a skirt and
then sewing up the top of it. (_Exit_ WARREN _at L._)
_Enter_ GOOGIN _from R._
GOOGIN. Sure, it's a sad time we're havin' down in the basement.
KITTY. What has happened?
GOOGIN. Herself has locked the door of the apartment and divil a bit
will she open it at all.
KITTY. Why, Mr. Googin!
GOOGIN. I'm in a pretty pickle now. All me money is locked up in me
house with Honoria. You could be doin' me a great favor, if ye would,
Mrs. Williams, mum.
KITTY. What is it, Mr. Googin?
GOOGIN. Go down to the basement and tell me wife to open the door to
her lawful wedded husband.
KITTY. Why, of course I will. (_Exits R._)
GOOGIN (_sits down comfortably and lights a cigar from his box_).
Sure, it's a sad Christmas for me, so it is, whin Honoria lets an ould
picture come bechune a man and his wife. (_Smokes._) Begorry, I smell
something. (_Sniffs._) It's awful. (_Rises._) Some wan is burning some
rubber. Maybe I've got too much hate on in the radiators. (_Sniffs._)
My, my, what an awful smell. (_Removes cigar and looks at it, smells
it, makes horrible grimace._) Oh, ho, so it's you, is it? (_Throws it
in cuspidor._) No wonder they call it Santas Odoriferous. If that
cigar came from Havana they'd ought to take it back there again and
give it a dacent burial.
_Enter_ EDDIE _from R. with the hat in box._
EDDIE. Say, Mr. Googin!
GOOGIN. What is it, Eddie?
EDDIE. Does you want to buy a nice Christmas present for a lady?
GOOGIN. Maybe I do. What is it?
EDDIE. A nice hat. Right in de latest style. Jes' come home from de
millinery store. Mis' Lacey gib it to me for a Christmas present, and
I ain't got no use for it.
GOOGIN. Begorry, that's a good idea. I'll make peace with me wife.
Eddie, I'll trade ye a nice box of cigars for the hat.
EDDIE. Is 'em some ob Mistah Williamses cigars?
GOOGIN. They are. Santas Odoriferous.
EDDIE. Man, man, I wouldn't deprive you ob dem cigars for de world.
GOOGIN. Sure it's no depravity at all, at all.
EDDIE. I'll sell you de hat for two dollars cash money.
GOOGIN. Two dollars, is it?
EDDIE. Yas, sah, and it's worth 'bout ten dollars. De lady done say
it's worth _more'n_ ten dollars.
GOOGIN. I'll take it. (_Takes out old wallet, counts out two dollars
in small change and gives it to_ EDDIE.)
EDDIE. Yas, sah. Dat's right.
GOOGIN. There's yer two dollars.
EDDIE. And dere's yer hat. (_Gives him box._) Excuse me, boss. I hears
de elevator bell. (_Exits R._)
GOOGIN (_opens box and looks at the hat_). Begorry, I've been robbed.
Eddie! Ye thavin' nagur, come here. Niver in all the world would me
wife wear an orange hat. She hates orange worse ner pizen.
_Enter_ KITTY _from R._ GOOGIN _has hat in the box._
KITTY. It's all right, Mr. Googin. I had a long talk with your wife
and she's all ready for you.
GOOGIN. Ready for me? With a flatiron belike.
KITTY. No, no. Her face is wreathed in smiles. She's waiting for you
with a real Kilkenny welcome.
GOOGIN (_smiles_). Is she now? Sure, Mrs. Williams, mum, it's a grand
lady ye are. Excuse me, mum, but this bein' Christmas day, I was
wonderin' whether you'd be after accepting a wee bit of a Christmas
present from the likes of me?
KITTY. Why, Mr. Googin, how very kind and thoughtful.
GOOGIN (_hands her the box_). It's here, mum. A fine hat it is. Right
out of the millinery store.
KITTY. Oh, thank you so much. I'm just crazy to see it. (_Takes it
out._) What! (_Stares at it._)
GOOGIN. Ain't it a beauty, mum?
KITTY (_recovering_). Oh, yes, indeed, Mr. Googin. But it is a far too
expensive present for you to give me. You'd better give it to your
wife. Here, I'll wrap it all up again.
GOOGIN. But me wife won't wear orange.
KITTY. Tell her to take off the orange and replace it with a green
bow. I'll give her a nice green gauze bow.
GOOGIN (_smiling_). Will ye now?
KITTY. Yes. Take it down to her now. It will please her so much.
She'll welcome you with open arms.
GOOGIN. I'll do it. (_Takes box._) And I'm much obliged for your
trouble, mum. (_Exits R._)
KITTY. Warren!
WARREN (_outside L._). Yes?
KITTY. Are you dressed yet? It's nearly five o'clock.
WARREN. Sure.
_Enter_ WARREN _from L., wearing white Pierrot costume._
KITTY. Oh, it's a dream.
WARREN. I feel like a fool. Say, Kittens, you'd better get into yours.
_Enter_ MRS. GOOGIN _from R. with picture._
MRS. GOOGIN (_not seeing Warren_). Sure I had to run up to tell yeez
that iverything was all right, Mrs. Williams. And it's a darlin' y'
are.
KITTY. Oh, I'm so glad.
MRS. GOOGIN (_seeing Warren_). Howly snakes of Ireland, what's that?
KITTY. That's Warren.
MRS. GOOGIN. He gave me such a start. I thought it was wan of them
circus clowns got loose, mum.
WARREN (_gayly_). Wait till you see me with my paint on. (_Runs out
L._)
MRS. GOOGIN. Me husband has given me his consint and I can hang up the
picture in me drawing-room, and he furthermore says that me mother is
a quane and the picture is her perfect likeness.
KITTY. Then I'm sure you'll have a very merry Christmas, Mrs. Googin.
MRS. GOOGIN. I brought you up a little Christmas gift, mum.
KITTY. You did?
MRS. GOOGIN (_takes out the hat_). Ain't it a beauty?
KITTY. Indeed it is. But really you should keep that for yourself.
MRS. GOOGIN. Indade I'll not. I says to Maginnis, says I, "She's
trated me like a lady, and I'll trate her like a lady also." So,
here's yer Christmas prisint and many happy returns of the day.
KITTY. But this is such an expensive present, Mrs. Googin. Really, I--
MRS. GOOGIN (_loftily_). What's ixpense bechune frinds?
KITTY. I don't think I ought to accept such a lovely gift.
MRS. GOOGIN. Ye'll be hurtin' me feelings if ye don't. I'm a lady,
Mrs. Williams, and me mother was a lady before me, and I have very,
very sensitive feelings.
KITTY (_sighs, then takes hat and box_). Very well, Mrs. Googin. Thank
you so much.
MRS. GOOGIN. And now I'll be goin' back to the basement. I hope ye
have a pleasant time at yer party, mum.
KITTY. Thank you, Mrs. Googin.
MRS. GOOGIN. Are you goin' to fix yerself up like a circus clown, too?
KITTY. Oh, no. I'm to be Pierrette.
MRS. GOOGIN. Pierrette, is it? Well, look out ye don't git pinched.
Merry Christmas. (_Exit R._)
_Enter_ WARREN _from L._
WARREN. Kittens, there's a poor beggar woman out on the back steps.
Can't you find something for her?
KITTY. No, I haven't a thing. (_Sees hat box._) Oh, yes, I have! Tell
her to come in. (_Exit_ WARREN _at L._) Now, I'll be rid of my
Christmas hoodoo. (_Puts hat in box._)
_Enter_ HARD TIMES ANNIE _from L., weeping loudly._
ANNIE. Oh, oh! On Christmas day! Just to think of it. Oh! (_Wails._)
KITTY. What is it, my good woman? What's the matter?
ANNIE. Oh, mum, it's starving I am. A poor lone widow with sivin
little children huddled up in the straw in a stable. No fire have we,
no coal have we, no food have we. And on Christmas day, too.
(_Cries._) Could ye let me have a little money, mum?
KITTY (_looks in her purse and shows audience that it is empty._) No,
I haven't any money.
ANNIE. And it's such hard times we're having. With the cost of living
so high and me with sivin children. No fire have we, no coal have we,
no food have we.
KITTY. I'm so sorry for you.
ANNIE. Thank ye kindly, mum. And can you help me a little?
KITTY. How would you like a nice winter hat? It's perfectly new and
has never been worn. It's red and orange.
ANNIE. Oh, lady, yer a fallen angel, so yer are, fallen right down
from the skies. I'd rather have a nice winter hat than have a bushel
of coal.
KITTY. There it is. And merry Christmas.
ANNIE. Thank you, mum. Has it got flowers on it or feathers?
KITTY. Feathers.
ANNIE. Oh, thank ye. Yer a fallen angel; indade ye are, mum.
KITTY. You'd better go out this way. (_Points to R._) I don't want my
husband to see what I've given you.
ANNIE. I know how it is, mum. I've had two of 'em meself. But nather
one was a circus clown, mum. I suppose that makes 'em bad-tempered.
KITTY. Yes, I suppose so. Good-bye.
ANNIE (_crosses to door R._). Merry Christmas, mum. And bless ye for
what ye have done for me this day. Yer a fallen angel, mum; indeed yer
are. (_Exits R._)
_Enter_ WARREN _from L._
WARREN. Get rid of her?
KITTY. Yes. Gave her some little things. Now I must hurry and dress.
How nice you look. I'll be ready in ten minutes. (_Exit L._)
(_Ring at bell R._)
WARREN (_opens the door, admitting_ LAURA). Hello, Lolly.
LAURA. Are you all ready?
WARREN. Kittens has just started to dress. Did you get the tickets?
LAURA. Yes. Here they are. Jim's waiting for me.
WARREN (_takes the two tickets_). Thank you.
LAURA. I had an awful time getting the places reserved.
WARREN. Ten dollars, aren't they?
LAURA. Yes.
WARREN. Just a minute, till I get the money. Sit down. Kittens has the
money. (_Exit L._)
LAURA (_calls after him_). Hurry, please, Warren.
WARREN (_outside_). All right.
LAURA _crosses to R. and sits. She takes up the fashion magazine and
reads a moment. Rises impatiently and walks around the room, showing
marked impatience. After a pause_ KITTY _enters from L. wearing a
kimono._
KITTY. Laura!
LAURA. Yes, dear.
KITTY. That hat I gave you!
LAURA. The hat?
KITTY. Yes, the one I gave you for Christmas. Warren had just given it
to me as a present, and as it wasn't becoming to me so I gave it to
you. Where is it?
LAURA. Why?
KITTY. He put ten dollars in it at the millinery shop. It was hidden
in the lining. The ten dollars for the tickets.
LAURA. Good heavens!
KITTY. So that pays you for the tickets, doesn't it?
LAURA. But I gave it away.
KITTY. Why, Laura!
LAURA. It wasn't becoming to me, either. I gave it to Eddie.
KITTY (_weakly_). To Eddie?
LAURA. Of course I didn't know it had ten dollars hidden in the
lining.
KITTY. I didn't think you'd treat my present that way.
LAURA. Now, Kittens--
KITTY (_angrily_). Gave it to the negro elevator boy. Well, I like
that! That hat cost ten dollars.
LAURA. I never could have worn it.
KITTY. But you shouldn't have given it away.
LAURA. Warren gave it to you and you gave it away.
KITTY. That's different.
LAURA. Shall I explain to Warren?
KITTY. No; for goodness sakes, don't do that! I haven't a cent to my
name and I can't explain to Warren. How can I tell him I gave his
Christmas present away?
LAURA. Send for Eddie and make him give you the ten dollars.
KITTY. Eddie hasn't got it.
LAURA. What did he do with it?
KITTY. I don't know. A beggar woman has the hat now. I saw her with
it.
LAURA. Then she has the ten dollars.
KITTY. Laura, you'll have to trust me until the first of the month.
LAURA (_coldly_). Oh, very well. It's of no importance.
KITTY. Now, Laura--
LAURA (_crosses to door R._). In the future I'd advise you to keep
your Christmas presents. I must go now. Jim is waiting for me.
KITTY. Lolly--
LAURA. We'll probably see you at the dinner. (_Exit R._)
KITTY (_crying_). I'll never give another present away as long as I
live.
WARREN (_outside L._). Hurry, Kittens; it's almost time to go.
KITTY. In a minute. (_Exits L._)
_Enter_ EDDIE _from R., followed by_ MISS MINERVA. _She carries the
hat in her hand._
MISS M. That will do, boy. Mr. Williams is my nephew. I'll find him.
EDDIE. Lawdy, now she's got de hat. (_Exits R._)
_Enter_ WARREN _from L._
WARREN (_to_ MISS M.). I beg pardon?
MISS M. Heavens!
WARREN. What's the matter?
MISS M. I thought you were a ghost.
WARREN. I am Mr. Williams.
MISS M. You are? (Drops everything, runs to him and shakes both his
hands heartily.) Don't you know me?
WARREN. No; never saw you before in my life.
MISS M. I'm your Aunt Minerva.
WARREN. Not Aunt Minerva Mockridge from Kankakee?
MISS M. (_positively_). Aunt Minerva Mockridge from Kankakee.
WARREN. But I thought you said you weren't coming.
MISS M. I changed my mind. And I wanted to surprise you and Kitty.
WARREN. Well, you did. You've surprised us all right.
MISS M. Let me sit down. I've had such an adventure. (Holds up hat.)
See what I brought you?
WARREN. A hat?
MISS M. Yes, what's left of it.
WARREN. It looks just like the one I gave Kittens for a Christmas
present.
MISS M. I got out of the taxi at the corner and was walking along
trying to find the house when all of a sudden I heard a great
commotion down the street behind me. I turned around and just then a
man darted right at me, slapped the hat in my hand and was off like
the wind. A crowd of policemen were chasing him. I slipped into the
vestibule of a building and luckily it was this house.
_Enter_ EDDIE _and_ HOGAN _from R._
EDDIE. You can't come in yere. Not unless you got a search warrant.
HOGAN. I saw her run into the vestibule, boy--and I'll find her if I
have to search every apartment from piano to ice-box. (_Sees_ MISS M.)
There she is now. That woman just came up in the elevator, didn't she?
EDDIE. Yassir, boss; dat's de one.
HOGAN (_goes to_ MISS M.). Come on with me. I guess I've got you at
last.
MISS M. What do you mean?
WARREN. Officer, this lady is my aunt. I am Mr. Williams, the owner of
this apartment.
HOGAN (_to_ EDDIE). Is that man the owner of this apartment?
EDDIE. Yessir, boss; dat's Mr. Williams.
HOGAN. And you say this lady is your aunt?
MISS M. Of course I'm his aunt.
HOGAN. That'll do you! Keep still or I'll put the bracelets on ye.
WARREN. Well, she _said_ she was my aunt.
HOGAN. Have ye ever seen her before?
WARREN. No, sir.
HOGAN (_turns to_ EDDIE _at R._). Ye hear? He thinks she's his aunt
and yet he niver seen her before. This woman is a crook. One of the
worst in the country. She's old Boston Bell and is wanted in Omaha for
highway robbery, in Salt Lake for arson, in Chicago for shoplifting,
in Columbus for assault and battery, and in New York for receiving
stolen goods.
WARREN. And I thought she was my Aunt Minerva.
MISS M. (_at L.C._). Warren Williams, are you going to let that man
stand there and insult me? Throw him out of your house.
HOGAN (_C._). I was standing on me beat when I saw Dopey Daniel snatch
a swell hat from a poor old woman. She screams and he hot-foots it
down the street with me after him. This dame was standing at the
corner. She was working with him. He saw we had him all right, so he
slipped the hat to her and she made a getaway up the elevator. Come
on, Boston Bell. I've got you with the goods on you. I want that hat
for evidence. Now will you come easy or must I use the cuffs? (_Pulls
her to door R._)
MISS M. (_screams_). Kitty, Kitty! Help, help!
_Enter_ KITTY _from R._
KITTY. Aunt Minerva! (_Rushes to her and embraces her._) What is the
meaning of all this?
AUNT M. (_at R., weeping_). Oh, Kitty, Kitty, I'm arrested. On my
first visit to New York. Oh, why did I ever leave Kankakee?
KITTY. Warren, make him release her.
HOGAN. Are you sure she's your aunt?
KITTY. Of course I am. Why, we have her picture. There it is. Oh,
no--I'd forgotten.
HOGAN. I believe the whole gang of yeez is a bunch of crooks. Yeez
look like crooks, all drissed up like clowns and things.
KITTY. Eddie, call the janitor.
EDDIE. Here he comes now.
_Enter_ GOOGIN _from R. with_ MRS. GOOGIN.
HOGAN. Maginnis Googin, is it yerself?
GOOGIN. What's goin' on here, Hogan. Who's been pinched?
HOGAN. This dame is Boston Bell. We got her with the goods. She stole
a hat.
KITTY. Why, that's my hat. Isn't it, Warren?
WARREN. I thought it looked familiar. (_Takes hat._) Yes, that's your
hat. (_Takes two five-dollar bills from the lining._) Now, I know it's
your hat.
KITTY. But where did you get it, Aunt Minerva?
MISS M. Some man ran into me in the street and left it in my hand.
GOOGIN. Hogan, sure I think you've made a mistake.
HOGAN. Do you know these folks, Googin?
MRS. GOOGIN. I know them, Officer Hogan. It's the Williamses, and
they're both perfect ladies. And I'm a lady, and so was me mother
before me.
GOOGIN. Hush, Honoria. Ye've been drinkin' too much frozen egg nog.
MRS. GOOGIN (_crying_). And the ould lady that ye've pinched, sure I
blave it's me ould mother from Kilkenny, Ireland. Oh, Maginnis,
they've pinched me ould mother.
GOOGIN. It's all a mistake, Hogan.
HOGAN (_to_ MISS M.). Ye say a man ran into you in the street and left
this hat in your hand?
MISS M. Yes, sir.
HOGAN (_to_ KITTY). And you say it's your hat?
KITTY. Of course it is.
WARREN (_goes to_ HOGAN, _gives him a five-dollar bill_). I think that
will be all, officer. Merry Christmas.
HOGAN. Merry Christmas to all of yeez. (_Exits L., followed by_
EDDIE.)
KITTY. Mrs. Googin, this is my aunt, Miss Mockridge from Kankakee.
MRS. GOOGIN. Sure, I thought it was me ould mother from Kilkenny. Ye
look enough like her to be her own twin sister, ye do.
GOOGIN. I came up to inform yeez that the taxi do be waiting.
MISS M. Taxi? Are you going out?
KITTY (_looks at_ WARREN). Well--er--that is--er we--
WARREN. Yes, er--we thought you weren't coming.
MISS M. Where are you going?
KITTY. We were going to a masquerade dinner dance, but now that you've
come we'll stay at home.
GOOGIN (_to_ MISS M.). Ye'd better go to the dance, mum. Ye'll have
the time of yer life. Faith, they've nothin' like it in Kankakee.
Come on, Honoria.
MRS. GOOGIN. All of yeez come down and take tea wid me in the marnin'
fer breakfast. Merry New Year and happy Christmas to all. I'm a lady
and me mother was a lady before me, and I knows a lady whin I sees
her. So I wish yeez all a happy Christmas and many of them. (_Exits R.
with_ GOOGIN.)
WARREN. Shall I send the taxi away, Kittens?
MISS M. I should say not. I'm going to that masquerade ball, if it's
the last thing I ever do. That's why I came to New York. (_Takes out
purse._) Here's a hundred and twenty dollars. That's enough to see us
through until breakfast, isn't it?
KITTY. We mustn't keep the taxi waiting. Come on, auntie. We're going
to show you the time of your life.
MISS M. But I haven't any costume.
KITTY (_puts the hat on her head_). There you are. Now you're all
fixed. I knew I could make some use of my Christmas hat. Hurry,
Warren. (They hurry out R. as curtain falls.)
CURTAIN.
NOTES ON THE PRODUCTION.
This little satire on Christmas giving has been written to provide
forty-five minutes of amusement for a holiday audience. The stage
settings are very simple, a room with two doors being all that is
required.
COSTUMES.
WARREN--A brisk young business man of about twenty-five. Ordinary
winter suit for first entrance. Change to white Pierrot costume with
white pumps, white socks, white pajama suit with large black pompons,
or discs of black satin, on it. Large stiff ruff of white tulle. Face
whitened with grease paint. Black patches. Black satin half-mask in
hand. Head covered with close fitting white covering in Pierrot style.
KITTY--A bright, vivacious young wife of twenty-two. Afternoon dress
at first, but choose one that may be quickly changed. Changed to
kimono as indicated in text. On last entrance she wears a Pierrette
costume, white pumps, hose, white tulle dress with very full skirts,
ankle length. White clown cap. The dress may be trimmed with black
satin discs, or pompons, or toy balloons in festoons, as desired.
MISS MINERVA--Aged forty-five. Gray hair. Spectacles. Dark traveling
cloak and hat. Grip. She discards cloak and hat when Hogan releases
her, showing a very gay dress beneath. Faint gray wrinkles of grease
paint on face.
GOOGIN--Irish janitor. Red wig and whiskers all around face. Face
reddened. White grease paint on upper lip. Red eyebrows. Old suit and
cardigan jacket.
MRS. GOOGIN--Portly lady in gaudy dress of calico. Gray hair, parted.
Green bows on costume. Face red and lined with gray grease paint. Use
a decided Irish brogue.
EDDIE--Negro elevator boy. Face blackened with burnt cork. Uniform
much too small for him. Negro wig.
LAURA--Afternoon dress for first entrance. No hat, as she lives in
the same apartment house. Masquerade costume and opera cloak for last
entrance.
HOGAN--Irish policeman. Uniform, helmet, billie, etc.
ANNIE--Old shoes, very ragged dress, old gray shawl on head.
Straggling locks of white hair show beneath shawl. Red patches. Face
heavily lined with gray grease paint. Very old and dirty apron.
Dances, Drills and Story-Plays
By NINA B. LAMKIN
_Director of Normal Course in Physical Education at Northwestern
School of Oratory and Physical Education, Evanston, Ill._
[Illustration]
Fourteen Folk Dances of various countries, suitable for schools,
clubs, churches, settlements, etc. Twenty-six simple Æsthetic Dances,
as Dances of the Seasons, Flower Dances, Brownies, Fairies, Bluebirds,
etc. Twenty-four Drills for every day and holidays, unusual, artistic
and worth while. Forty-one Rhythms and twelve Story-Plays to be used
with primary ages in every-day recreation, in dramatization and in
entertainments. There is something in this book to fit any occasion
where such material is desired. For Boy Scouts, Camp Fire Girls,
Gymnasium Work, Play Festivals, Field Days, etc. Everything fully
described. Suggestive music named and description of costumes given.
Contains eight original photographs, half-toned, of various dances.
=Beautiful cloth binding, lettering and design in two colors, clear,
attractive type. Price, $1.25=
=T.S. Denison & Company, Publishers=
623 S. Wabash Ave. CHICAGO
Merry Monologues
By MARY MONCURE PARKER
[Illustration]
These selections are wholly original and sufficiently varied in
character and sentiment to enable the reader to make up a well-rounded
program in which high comedy mingles with farce and pathos in a manner
suitable for all occasions. Nineteen monologues and nine short poems
which are especially adapted to that particular form of entertainment
called the pianologue, viz., reading to music.
Some of the selections are new but most of them are the pick from the
author's wide repertoire, which she has used throughout this country
and in England. They bear the stamp of enthusiastic public approval
and are now first offered to the public.
=Contents:= On the Street Car; The Renaissance of the Kiss; Husbands Is
Husbands; Oh, Friend of Mine; George's First Sweetheart; Bobby and the
New Baby; Lucile Gets Ready for a Dance; Mandy's Man and Safety First;
Maggie McCarthy Goes on a Diet; Mrs. Climber Doesn't Like Notoriety;
Lucindy Jones Expects a Legacy; Grown Folks Is so Awful Queer; At the
Movies; The Gingie Boy; Ode to a Manikin; Isaacstein's Busy Day; Like
Pilgrims to the Appointed Place; Mrs. Bargain Counter Meets a Friend;
Mother Mine; Maggie McCarthy Has Her Fortune Told; In Vaudeville;
Uncle Jim and the Liniment; The Funny Story; In the Milliner Shop;
Mrs. Trubble's Troubles; George's Cousin Willie; When Lucindy Goes to
Town; A Question.
=Beautiful cloth binding, lettering and design in two colors, clear,
attractive type. Price, $1.25=
=T.S. Denison & Company, Publishers=
623 S. Wabash Ave. CHICAGO
Let's Pretend
A Book of Children's Plays
By LINDSEY BARBEE
[Illustration]
"Come--let's pretend!" has been the slogan of all childhood. A few gay
feathers have transformed an everyday lad into a savage warrior; a
sweeping train has given a simple gingham frock the dignity of a court
robe; the power of make-believe has changed a bare attic into a gloomy
forest or perhaps into a royal palace. These six plays will appeal to
the imagination, to the fun-loving nature and to the best ideals of
all children.
CONTENTS.--The Little Pink Lady (6 Girls); The Ever-Ever Land (16
Boys, 17 Girls); When the Toys Awake (15 Boys, 5 Girls); The Forest of
Every Day (5 Boys, 7 Girls); A Christmas Tree Joke (7 Boys, 7 Girls);
"If Don't-Believe Is Changed Into Believe" (21 Boys, 15 Girls). Full
descriptions for producing; easy to costume and "put on." Clever
illustrations showing the appearance of each character. The most
charming children's plays ever written.
=Beautiful cloth binding, lettering and design in two colors,
attractive type.=
=Price, $1.25=
=T.S. Denison & Company, Publishers=
623 S. Wabash Ave. CHICAGO
Impromptu Magic, with Patter
By GEORGE DE LAWRENCE
[Illustration]
A supreme collection of clever, off-hand tricks that can be presented
with little or no practice, require no sleight-of-hand skill and are
independent of any apparatus. The only articles called for are
ordinary coins, cards, matches, etc., such as are always at hand. An
excellent line of patter, in which humor predominates, is included for
each trick and there are numerous illustrations.
Among the many clever but easy effects taught may be mentioned the
lemon and dollar bill trick without sleight-of-hand, several baffling
mind reading effects, card in the pocket, vanishing drinking glass,
penetrating match, traveling coins, four-coin trick, coins out of hat,
dime and penny trick, swallowing a knife, torn and restored paper
napkin, etc.
Dr. A.M. Wilson, editor of "The Sphinx," who contributes the
introduction, says:
"Many books and booklets on patter, numerous works, little and big, on
magic, have been published. But not until this work of DeLawrence has
there been one that covered both, and with material that anyone of
reasonable intelligence could use successfully and satisfactorily.
Having read the manuscript I congratulate the author on his wise
selection of tricks and on the sensible and appropriate patter."
=Attractively bound in art boards, fully illustrated, well printed on
good paper.=
=Price, $1.00=
=T.S. Denison & Company, Publishers=
623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO
Winning Monologues
By LILIAN HOLMES STRACK
[Illustration]
For contests and public speaking. Eighteen splendid original
selections for platform use in book form. The author has successfully
portrayed various "types" in their most human and amusing aspects, and
presents each monologue in a form that complies with the contest rules
generally prevalent. Each of these readings is a real cross-section of
life. The humor is essentially human, and not merely witty. Various
types of human beings are represented, all in a fashion that has a
sure appeal to any audience. The book is invaluable for professional
entertainers as well as for contest use.
CONTENTS.--Johnny Gets Ready for Company; Aunt Polly at the Rural Aid
Society; The Strap-Hangers; Little Maymie Attends the Movies; The
Cheerful Laundress; John Tells a Bedtime Story; Aunt Polly Has
Callers; Just Mary Louise; Friday Afternoon in Our School; When Edna
Telephones; Johnny Does His Home Work; Look Pleasant, Please! Little
Maymie Visits the City; In the Dark of the (Honey) Moon; The
Punishment of Mary Louise; Practicing Domestic Science, or How Girls
Cook; On Contest Night; The Telephone Exchange at Junction Center.
=Beautiful cloth binding, lettering and design in two colors,
attractive type.=
=Price, $1.25=
=T.S. Denison & Company, Publishers=
623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO