As a mere soldier threatened with unemployment owing to the sudden
outbreak of peace, I offer to any enterprising company-promoter an
idea which should provide him with an immense fortune and myself with
a congenial means of livelihood.
My suggestion is that, with the consent of Lord NORTHCLIFFE and the
Allies, a slice of the old Front should be kept up _in statu quo_, and
a representative assortment of troops retained to hold it on what was
our side, and to carry on the War as it was in the good old days of
'15, when we thought our life's work was bespoken and soldiers with
boy babies raised the question of making acting rank hereditary. No
enemy would be employed, experiment having proved that the existence
of an enemy detracts from the enjoyment of modern war.
The little army, commanded by a General, himself an employé of
the Army of Entertainment Co., Ltd., would conduct operations for
demonstration purposes. Visitors would be charged admission to the
Company's zone, and pay extra for any particular stunt show arranged
for their benefit.
It would be necessary to acquire a strip of country running right back
to the coast, if realism should be the aim of the directors, otherwise
it would be impossible, to show an A.M.L.O. in action, or some
interesting types of Headquarters, or laundry Colonels winning the
D.S.O.
I have in mind a highly entertaining General who might be willing to
accept the position of G.O.C. for the Company--one of those desperate
old gentlemen whose joy was to stalk about busy areas and strafe the
domestic and sanitary arrangements of batteries and battalions. He
is of picturesque appearance and would afford the best comic relief.
This General would be attended by the usual assistants, traditionally
housed, clothed and fed, but, the division being run as a commercial
venture, it would be a matter for consideration by the directors
whether these young gentlemen should receive a salary or pay a fee.
Some visitors might well be so delighted with soldiering, free from
the annoyance of enemy action, that they would wish to make a long
stay and experience all its variations, beginning perhaps with the
P.B.I, (or Pretty Busy Infantry) in a mud-hole in the front line, and
passing through all the stages of the normal military career till they
arrived at the Divisional Chateau. Should anyone desire to survey
life from the altitude of an R.T.O. (Railway Transport, not Really
Tantalising Officer, as supposed by some) it might be arranged for
him, in the interests of realism, to improvise information as to
trains for the benefit of other visitors.
Appropriate rations would be included, in the entrance money, while
there might be canteens for the sale of such extras as bootlaces and
penholders. Visitors would not be allowed to bring money into the
area, but would be given the usual books of cash withdrawal forms,
entitling them to obtain small sums from the field cashier--if they
could find him. As a field cashier of experience would be employed and
possibly act in collusion with the R.T.O., these sums of money might
be regarded as prizes, and would create a pleasant excitement without
amounting to any great expense for the Company.
Those willing to pay high prices would have arranged for them such
displays as "normal artillery activity," pukka strafes, S.O.S.
bombardments or barrages chaperoning infantry advances, while balloons
might be set on fire, dumps blown up, or leave cancelled at special
rates. There might also be an assortment of inexpensive and amusing
side-shows, such as a Second-in-command trying to check a monthly
return of dripping, or a conscientious gunner calculating the correct
corrector corrections.
Should an application be received from any person anxious to
experience war from the "Receipts" end he would be granted free entry
to the area on the far side of the line, protected grand-stands being
erected, from which, on suitable payment, spectators could study his
deportment. A short stay in the "enemy's area" during a strafe might
be recommended for politicians and arranged by their constituents.
Space forbids further detail. It remains only for a Company to be
formed--affiliated perhaps to the Bureau of Information--a detailed
prospectus issued and applications invited for posts under the Army
of Entertainment, Ltd.
I shall myself be willing to serve the Company in the capacity of a
Town Major on condition that a suitable town is provided.
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[Illustration: FOREWARNED.
_Poor Old Woman (to youth, who has given her a gratuity and relieved
her of her load of wood)_. "I PRESUME, MY KIND YOUNG FRIEND, THAT YOU
ARE THE YOUNGEST OF THE THREE BROTHERS WHO ARE GOING OUT TO SEEK THEIR
FORTUNES?"
_Clever Youth_. "NO, I'M THE ELDEST. BUT I'VE BEEN READING THE
STORIES."]
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