it forme our yong master? It makes him to kisse his hand like an ape,
cringe his neck like a starueling, and play at hey passe repasse come
aloft when hee salutes a man. From thence he brings the art of atheisme,
the art of epicurising, the art of whoring, the art of poysoning, the
art of Sodomitrie. The onely probable good thing they haue to keepe
vs from vtterly condemning it, is, that it maketh a man an excellent
Courtier, a curious carpet knight; which is by interpretation, a fine
close leacher, a glorious hypocrite. It is now a priuie note amongst the
better sort of men, when they would set a singular marke or brand on a
notorious villaine, to say, he hath been in _Italy_.
With the Dane and the Dutchman I will not encounter, for they are simple
honest men, that with _Danaus_ daughters do nothing but fill bottomles
tubs, & wil be drunk & snort in the midst of dinner: he hurts himselfe
onely that goes thether, hee cannot lightly be damnd, for the vintners,
the brewers, the malt-men and alewiues praye for him. Pitch and pay,
they will play all day: score and borrow, they will wysh him much
sorrowe. But lightly a man is nere the better for their praiers, for
they commit al deadly sinne for the most part of them in mingling their
drinke, the vintners in the highest degree.
Why iest I in such a necessary perswasiue discourse? I am a banisht
exile from my countrie, though nere linkt in consanguinitie to the best:
an Earle borne by birth, but a begger now as thou seest. These many
yeres in _Italy_ haue I liu'd an outlaw. A while I had a liberall
pension of the Pope, but that lasted not, for he continued not: one
succeeded him in his chaire, that car'd neither for Englishmen nor his
owne countrimen. Then was I driu'n to picke vp my crums amongst the
Cardinals, to implore the beneuolence & charitie of al the Dukes of
Italy whereby I haue since made a poore shift to liue, but so liue, as I
wish my selfe a thousand times dead.
_Cumpatriam amisi, tunc me periisse putato_. When I was banisht, thinke
I caught my bane.
The sea is the natiue soyle to fishes, take fishes from the sea, they
take no ioy nor thriue, but perish straight. So likewise the birds
remoued from the aire (the abode wherto they were borne) the beasts from
the earth, and I from _England_. Can a lambe take delight to be suckled
at the brests of a she-wolfe? I am a lambe nourisht with the milke of
wolues, one that with the Ethiopians inhabiting ouer against _Meroe_,
feede on nothing but scorpions: vse is another nature, yet ten times
more contentiue, were nature restored to her kingdome from whence shee
is excluded. Beleeue mee, no aire, no bread, no fire, no water agree
with a man, or dooth him anye good out of his owne countrey. Colde
frutes neuer prosper in a hot soile, nor hot in a cold. Let no man for
any transitorie pleasure sell away the inheritance of breathing he hath
in the place where he was born. Get thee home my yong lad, lay thy bones
peaceably in the sepulcher of thy fathers, waxe old in ouerlooking thy
grounds, bee at hand to close the eyes of thy kinred. The diuell and I
am desperate, he of being restored to heauen, I of being recalled home.
Here he held his peace and wept. I glad of any opportunitie of a full
poynt to part from him, told him I tooke his counsaile in worth, what
laye in mee to requite in loue should not bee lacking. Some businesse
that concerned mee highly cald mee away verie hastely, but another time
I hop'd wee should meete. Verie hardly he let me goe, but I earnestly
ouerpleading my occasions, at length he dismist mee, told mee where his
lodging was, and charged mee to visite him without excuse very often.
Heeres a stirre thought I to my selfe after I was set at libertie, that
is worse than an vpbrayding lesson after a britching: certainly if I had
bethought mee like a rascall as I was, hee should haue had an auemarie
of mee for his cynicke exhortation. God plagud mee for deriding such a
graue fatherly aduertiser. List the worst throw of ill luckes.
Tracing vp and downe the City to seeke my Curtizan till the euening
began to growe well in age, it fortuned, the Element as if it had dronke
too much in the afternoone, powrde downe so profoundly, that I was forst
to creepe like one afraid of the Watch close vnder the pentises, where
the cellar doore of a Jewes house called _Zadoch_ (ouer which in my
direct waye I did passe) beeing vnbard on the inside, ouer head and
eares I fell into it as a man falls in a ship from the oreloope into the
holde: or as in an earthquake the ground should open, and a blinde man
come feeling pad pad ouer the open Gulph with his staffe, should stumble
on sodaine into hell. Hauing worne out the anguish of my fall a little
with wallowing vp and downe, I cast vp myne eyes to see vnder what
Continent I was: and loe, (O destenie) I sawe my Curtizane kissing verie
louingly with a prentise. My backe and my sides I had hurt with my fall,
but now my head sweld & akt worse than both. I was euen gathering winde
to come vpon her with a full blast of contumely, when the Jewe (awakde
with the noyse of my fall) came bustling downe the staires, and raysing
his other semants, attached both the Curtizane and mee for breaking his
house, and conspiring with his prentise to rob him.
It was then the lawe in _Rome_, that if anie man had a fellon falne into
his hands, eyther by breaking into his house, or robbing him by the high
way, hee might choose whether he would make him his bondman, or hang
him. _Zadoch_ (as all Jewes are couetous) casting with himselfe hee
should haue no benefite by casting mee off the ladder, had another
policie in his head: hee went to one Doctour _Zacharie_ the popes
phisition, that was a Jewe and his Countreyman likewise, and tolde him
hee had the finest bargaine for him that might bee. It is not concealed
from mee (sayth he) that the time of your accustomed yearely Anatomie
is at hand, which it behooues you vnder forfeiture of the foundation of
your Colledge verie carefully to prouide for. The infection is great,
and hardly will you get a sound bodie to deale vpon: you are my
Countreyman, therefore I come to you first. Bee it knowen vnto you,
I haue a young man at home falne to me for my bondman, of the age of
eighteene, of stature tall, streight limm'd, of as cleere a complection
as anie painters fancie can imagine: goe too, you are an honest man, and
one of the scattered Children of _Abraham_ you shall haue him for fiue
hundred crownes. Let mee see him quoth Doctour _Zacharie_, and I
will giue you as much as another. Home hee sent for mee, pinniond and
shackeld I was transported alongst the streete: where passing vnder
_Iulianaes_ the Marques of _Mantuaes_ wiues window, that was a lustie
_Bona Roba_ one of the popes concubines, as she had her casement halfe
open, she lookt out and spide me. At the first sight she was enamored
with my age and beardles face, that had in it no ill signe of
phisiognomie fatall to fetters: after me shee sent to know what I was,
wherein I had offended, and whether I was going? My conducts
resolued them all. She hauing receiued this answere, with a lustfull
collachrimation lamenting my Jewish Premunire, that bodie and goods I
should lyght into the hands of such a cursed generation, inuented the
meanes of my release.
But first Ile tel you what betided me after I was brought to Doctour
_Zacharies_.
The purblinde Doctour put on his spectacles and lookt vppon mee: and
when he had throughly viewd my face, he caused mee to bee stript
naked, to feele and grope whether each lim were sound, and my skin
not infected. Then hee pierst my arme to see how my bloud ranne: which
assayes and searchings ended, he gaue _Zadoch_ hys full price and sent
him away, then lockt mee vp in a darke chamber till the day of anatomie.
O the cold sweating cares which I conceiued after I knew I should be cut
like a French summer dublet. Me thought already the bloud began to
gush out at my nose: if a flea on the arme had but bit me, I deemed the
instrument had prickt me. Well, well, I maye scofle at a shrowde turne,
but theres no such readye waye to make a man a true Christian, as to
perswade himselfe he is taken vp for an anatomie. Ile depose I praid
then more than I did in seauen yeare before. Not a drop of sweate
trickeled downe my breast and my sides, but I dreamd it was a smooth
edgde razor tenderly slicing down my breast and my sides. If any knockt
at doore.
I supposed it was the beadle of Surgeons Hall come for mee. In the night
I dreamd of nothing but Phlebotomie, bloudy fluxes, incamatiues, running
vlcers. I durst not let out a wheale for feare through it I should bleed
to death. For meate in this distance I had plum-porredge of purgations
ministred mee one after another to clarifie my bloud, that it should
not lye doddered in the flesh. Nor did he it so much for clarifying
phisicke, as to saue charges. Miserable is that mouse that liues in a
Phisitions house, _Tantalus_ liues not so hunger-starud in hell, as shee
doth there. Not the very crams that fall from his table, but Zachary
sweepes together, and of them mouldes vp a Manna. Of the ashie parings
of his bread, he would make conserue of chippings. Out of boanes after
the meate was eaten off, hee would alchumize an oyle, that he sold for a
shilling a dramme. His snot and spittle a hundred tymes he hath put
ouer to hys Apothecarie for snowe water. Any Spider he would temper to
perfect Mithridate. His rheumatique eyes when he went in the winde,
or rose early in a morning, dropt as coole allom water as you would
request. He was dame Niggardize sole heyre and executor.
A number of olde bookes had he eaten with the moathes and wormes, now
all daye would not hee studye a dodkin, but picke those wormes and
moathes out of his Librarie, and of their mixture make a preseruatiue
against the plague. The licour out of his shooes he would wring to make
a sacred balsamum against barrennes. Spare we him a line or two, &
looke backe to _Iuliana_, who conflicted in hir thoughts about me verie
debatefully, aduentured to send a messenger to Doctour _Zacharie_ in her
name, verie boldly to beg me of him, and if shee might not beg me,
to buy me with what summes of monie soeuer he would aske. _Zacharie_
iewishly and churlishly withstood both her sutes, and sayde if there
were no more Christians on the earth, he would thrust his incision knife
into his throate-boule immediatly. Which replie she taking at his hands
most despitefully, thought to crosse him ouer the shins with as sore
an ouertwhart blow yet ere a moneth to an end. The pope (I knowe not
whether at her intreatie or no) within two dayes after fell sicke,
Doctor _Zacharie_ was sent for to minister vnto him, who seeing a little
danger in his water, gaue him a gentle confortatiue for the stomack, and
desired those neere about him to perswade his holynes to take some rest,
and hee doubted not but he would be forthwith well. Who should receiue
this mild phisicke of him but the concubine _Iuliana_ his vtter enimie,
shee beeing not vnprouided of strong poison at that instant, in the
popes outward chamber so mingled it, that when his grande sublimitie
taster came to relish it, he sunke downe starke dead on the pauement.
Herewith the pope cald _Iuliana_, and askt her what strong concocted
broth she had brought him. She kneeled downe on her knees, and sayd it
was such as _Zacliarie_ the Jew had deliuered her with his owne hands,
and therefore if it misliked his holines she craued pardon. The Pope
without further sifting into the matter, woulde haue had _Zacharie_ and
all Jewes in Rome put to death, but shee hung about his knees, & with
crocodile teares desired him the sentence might bee lenified, and they
bee all but banisht at most. For doctor _Zacliary_ quoth she, your ten
times vngrateful phisition, since notwithstanding his trecherous intent,
he hath much art, and many soueraigne simples, oiles, gargarismes and
sirups in his closet and house that may stand your mightines in stead,
I begge all his goods onely for your beatitudes preseruation and good.
This request at the first was seald with a kisse, and the popes edict
without delaye proclaimed throughout Rome, namely, that all foreskinne
clippers whether male or female belonging to the old Jurie, should
depart and auoyde vpon payne of hanging within twentie dayes after the
date thereof.
_Iuliana_ two dayes before the proclamation came out, sent her seruants
to extend vppon _Zacharies_ territories, his goods, his mooueables, his
chattels and his seruants: who perfourmed their commission to the vtmost
title, and left him not so much as master of an vrinall case or a candle
boxe. It was about sixe a clocke in the euening, when those boot-halers
entred: into my chamber they rusht, when I sate leaning on my elbow, and
my left hand vnder my side, deuising what a kinde of death it might be
to be let bloud till a man dye. I cald to minde the assertion of some
Philosophers, who said the soule was nothing but bloud: then thought I,
what a filthie thing were this, if I should let my soule fall and breake
his necke into a bason. I had but a pimple rose with heate in that part
of the veyne where they vse to pricke, and I fearfully misdeemed it was
my soule searching for passage. Fie vppon it, a mans breath to bee let
out a backe-doore, what a villanie it is? To dye bleeding is all one as
if a man should dye pissing. Good drink makes good bloud, so that pisse
is nothing but bloud vnder age. _Seneca_ and _Lucan_ were lobcockes to
choose that death of all other: a pigge or a hogge or anie edible brute
beast a cooke or a butcher deales vpon, dyes bleeding. To dye with a
pricke, wherewith the faintest hearted woman vnder heauen would not be
kild, O God it is infamous.
In this meditation did they seaze vpon mee, in my cloake they muffeld
mee that no man might knowe mee, nor I see which waye I was carried.
The first ground I toucht after I was out of _Zacharies_ house, was
the Countesse _Iulianaes_ chamber: little did I surmise that fortune
reserued mee to so faire a death. I made no other reckoning all the
while they had mee on their shoulders, but that I was on horse-backe to
heauen, and carried to Church on a beere, excluded for euer for drinking
anie more ale or beere. _Iuliana_ scornfully questiond them thus (as if
I had falne into her hands beyond expectation), what proper apple-squire
is this you bring so suspitiously into my chamber? what hath he done?
where had you him? They aunswered likewise a farre of, that in one
of _Zacharies_ chambers they found him close prisoner, and thought
themselues guiltie of the breach of her Ladiships commaundement if
they should haue left him behinde. O quoth she, ye loue to bee double
diligent, or thought peraduenture that I being a lone woman stood in
neede of a loue. Bring you me a princockes beardlesse boy (I knowe not
whence hee is, nor whether he would) to call my name in suspense? I tell
you, you haue abused me, and I can hardly brook it at your hands. You
should haue lead him to the Magistrate, no commission receiued you of
me but for his goods and his seruants. They besought her to excuse their
ouerweening errour, it proceeded from a zealous care of their duetie,
and no negligent default But why should not I coniecture the worst quoth
she? I tell you troth, I am halfe in a iealozie hee is some fantasticall
amorous yonckster, who to dishonor me hath hyr'd you to this stratagem.
It is a likely matter that such a man as _Zacharie_ should make a prison
of his house, and deale in matters of state. By your leaue sir gallant,
vnder locke and key shal you stay with me, till I haue enquirde further
of you, you shall be sifted thoroughly ere you and I part Goe maide shew
him to the further chamber at the ende of the gallerie that lookes into
the garden: you my trim pandars I pray garde him thether as you tooke
paines to bring him hether. When you haue so done, see the dores be made
fast, and come your way. Heere was a wily wench had her liripoop without
book, she was not to seeke in her knackes and shifts: such are all
women, not one of them but hath a cloak for the raine, and can bleare
her husbands eyes as she list. Not too much of this madam Marques at
once: wele step a little backe, and dilate what _Zadoch_ the Jew did
with my curtizan, after he had sold me to _Zacharie_. Of an ill tree I
hope you are not so ill sighted in grafting to expect good frute: he was
a Jew, & intreated her like a Jew. Under shadow of enforcing her to tell
how much money she had of his prentice so to bee trayned to his cellar,
hee stript her, and scourgd her from top to toe tantara. Day by day
hee disgested his meate with leading her the measures. A diamond
Delphinicall drye leachour it was.
The ballet of the whipper of late dayes here in England, was but a
scoffe in comparison of him. All the colliers of Romford, who hold
their corporation by yarking the blind beare at Paris garden, were but
bunglers to him, he had the right agility of the lash, there were none
of them could made the cord come aloft with a twange halfe like him.
Marke the ending, marke the ending. The tribe of Juda is adiudged
from Rome to bee trudging, they may no longer be lodged there, all
the Albumazers, Rabisacks, Gedeons, Tebiths, Benhadads, Benrodans,
Zedechiahs, Halies of them were banquerouts and turnd out of house
and home. _Zacharie_ came running to _Zadochs_ in sack cloth and ashes
presently after his goods were confiscated and tolde him how he was
serued, and what decree was comming out against them all. Descriptions
stand by, heere is to be expressed the furie of Lucifer when he was
turnd ouer heauen barre for a wrangler. There is a toad fish, which
taken out of the water swels more than one would thinke his skin could
holde, and bursts in his face that toucheth him. So swelled _Zadoch_,
and was readie to burst out of his skinne, and shoote his bowels like
chaine-shot full at _Zacharies_ face for bringing him such balefull
tidings, his eies glared and burnt bliewe like brimstone and _aqua vito_
set on fire in an egshell, his verie nose lightned glow-wormes, his
teeth crasht and grated together, like the ioynts of a high building
cracking and rocking like a cradle, when as a tempest takes her full but
against his broad side. He swore, he curst, and said, these be they
that worshippe that crucifide God of Nazareth, heres the fruits of their
newfound gospell, sulphur and gunpouder carry them all quick to Gehenna.
I would spend my soule willingly, to haue this triple headed Pope with
all his sin-absolued whores, and oile-greased priests borne with a
blacke sant on the deuills backes in procession to the pit of perdition.
Would I might sinke presently into ye earth, so I might blow vp this
Rome, this whore of _Babylon_ into the aire with my breath. If I must
be banisht, if those heathen dogs will needes rob me of my goods, I wyll
poyson their springs and conduit heades, whence they receiue all their
water round about the citie, He tice all the yong children into my house
that I can get, and cutting their throates barrell them vp in poudring
beefe tubbes, and so send them to victuall the popes galleyes. Ere
the officers come to extend, Ile bestowe a hundred pound on a doale of
bread, which Ile cause to bee kneaded with Scorpions oy le that may
kill more than the plague. Ile hire them that make their wafers or
sacramentarie gods to minge them after the same sort, so in the zeale
of their superstitious religion, shall they languish and droup like
carrion. If there be euer a blasphemous coniurer, that can call the
windes from their brazen caues, and make the cloudes trauell before
their time, Ile giue him the other hundred pounds to disturbe the
heauens a whole weeke together with thunder and lightning, if it bee for
nothing but to sowre all the wines in _Rome_, and turne them to vinegar.
As long as they haue either oyle or wine, this plague feedes but
pinglingly vpon them.
_Zadoch, Zadoch_ said Doctor _Zacharie_, (cutting him off) thou
threatenest the aire, whiles wee perish heere on earth. It is the
Countesse _Iuliana_ the Marquesse of _Mantuaes_ wife and no other, that
hath complotted our confusion. Aske not how, but insist in my words, and
assist in reuenge.
As how, as how, said _Zadoch_, shrugging and shrubbing. More happie than
the Patriarches were I, if crusht to death with the greatest torments
_Romes_ tyrants haue tride, there might be quintessenst out of me one
quart of precious poyson. I haue a leg with an issue, shall I cut it
off, and from his fount of corruption extract a venome worse than anie
serpents? If thou wilt, Ile goe to a house that is infected, where
catching the plague, and hauing got a running sore vpon me, Ile come
and deliuer her a supplication, and breathe vpon her. I know my breath
stinkes so alreadie, that it is within halfe a degree of poyson. Ile pay
her home if I perfect it with any more putrifaction.
No, no brother _Zadoch_ answered _Zacharie_, that is not the way.
Canst thou prouide mee ere a bondmaide, indued with singular & diuine
qualified beautie, whome as a present from our synagogue thou maist
commend vnto her, desiring her to be good and gracious vnto vs.
I haue, I am for you quoth _Zadoch_: _Diamante_ come forth. Heeres a
wench (said he) of as cleare a skin as _Susanna_, shee hath not a wemme
on her flesh from the soale of the foote to the crowne of the head: how
thinke you master doctor, will shee not serue the turne?
She will, said _Zacharie_: and therefore Ile tell you what charge I
would haue committed to her. But I care not if I disclose it onely to
her. Maid, (if thou beest a maid) come hether to mee, thou must be sent
to the countesse of _Mantuaes_ about a small peece of seruice, whereby
being now a bond woman thou shalt purchase freedome, and gaine a large
dowrie to thy marriage. I know thy master loues thee derely though hee
will not let thee perceiue so much, hee intends after hee is dead to
make thee his heire, for he hath no children: please him in that I shall
instruct thee, and thou art made for euer. So it is, that the pope is
farre out of liking with the countesse of _Mantua_ his concubine,
and hath put his trust in me his phisition to haue her quietly and
charitably made away. Now I cannot intend it, for I haue manie cures in
hand which call vpon me hourely: thou if thou beest plac'd with her as
her waiting maid or cup-bearer, maist temper poyson with her broth, her
meate, her drinke, her oyles, her sirrups, and neuer bee bewraid. I will
not say whether the pope hath heard of thee, and thou maist come to bee
his lemman in her place, if thou behaue thy selfe wisely. What, hast
thou the heart to go thorough with it or no? _Diamante_ deliberating
with her selfe in what hellish seruitude she liu'd with the Jew, and
that she had no likelihood to be releast of it, but fall from euill to
worse if she omitted this opportunitie, resigned her selfe ouer wholly
to be disposed and emploid as seemed best vnto them. Therevpon, without
further consultation, her wardrop was richly rigd, her tongue smooth
fil'd & new edg'd on the whetstone, her drugs deliuerd her, and
presented she was by _Zadoch_ her master to the countesse, together with
some other slight new-fangles, as from the whole congregation, desiring
her to stand their merciful mistresse, and sollicite the Pope for them,
that through one mans ignorant offence were all generally in disgrace
with him, and had incurred the cruell sentence of losse of goods and of
banishment.
_Iuliana_ liking wel the pretie round face of my black browe _Diamante_,
gaue the Jew better countenance than otherwise she would haue done,
and told him for her owne part shee was but a priuate woman, and could
promise nothing confidently of his holines: for though he had suffred
himselfe to bee ouerruled by her in some humors, yet in this that tutcht
him so nerely, she knew not how he would be enclind: but what lay in her
either to pacifie or perswade him they should be sure of, and so crau'd
his absence.