COLLINS. Yes, my lord, you. For some reason that I never could
make out, she has forbidden me to talk about you, or to let her
meet you. Ive asked her to come here of a wedding morning to help
with the flowers or the like; and she has always refused. But if
you order her to come as her Bishop, she'll come. She has some
very strange fancies, has Mrs George. Send your ring to her, my
lord--he official ring--send it by some very stylish gentleman--
perhaps Mr Hotchkiss here would be good enough to take it--and
she'll come.
THE BISHOP [taking off his ring and handing it to Hotchkiss]
Oblige me by undertaking the mission.
HOTCHKISS. But how am I to know the lady?
COLLINS. She has gone to the church in state, sir, and will be
attended by a Beadle with a mace. He will point her out to you;
and he will take the front seat of the carriage on the way back.
HOTCHKISS. No, by heavens! Forgive me, Bishop; but you are asking
too much. I ran away from the Boers because I was a snob. I run
away from the Beadle for the same reason. I absolutely decline
the mission.
THE GENERAL [rising impressively] Be good enough to give me that
ring, Mr Hotchkiss.
HOTCHKISS. With pleasure. [He hands it to him].
THE GENERAL. I shall have the great pleasure, Mr Alderman, in
waiting on the Mayoress with the Bishop's orders; and I shall be
proud to return with municipal honors. [He stalks out gallantly,
Collins rising for a moment to bow to him with marked dignity].
REGINALD. Boxer is rather a fine old josser in his way.
HOTCHKISS. His uniform gives him an unfair advantage. He will
take all the attention off the Beadle.
COLLINS. I think it would be as well, my lord, to go on with the
contract while we're waiting. The truth is, we shall none of us
have much of a look-in when Mrs George comes; so we had better
finish the writing part of the business before she arrives.
HOTCHKISS. I think I have the preliminaries down all right.
[Reading] 'Memorandum of Agreement made this day of blank blank
between blank blank of blank blank in the County of blank,
Esquire, hereinafter called the Gentleman, of the one part, and
blank blank of blank in the County of blank, hereinafter called
the Lady, of the other part, whereby it is declared and agreed as
follows.'
LEO [rising] You might remember your manners, Sinjon. The lady
comes first. [She goes behind him and stoops to look at the draft
over his shoulder].
HOTCHKISS. To be sure. I beg your pardon. [He alters the draft].
LEO. And you have got only one lady and one gentleman. There
ought to be two gentlemen.
COLLINS. Oh, thats a mere matter of form, maam. Any number of
ladies or gentlemen can be put in.
LEO. Not any number of ladies. Only one lady. Besides, that
creature wasnt a lady.
REGINALD. You shut your head, Leo. This is a general sort of
contract for everybody: it's not your tract.
LEO. Then what use is it to me?
HOTCHKISS. You will get some hints from it for your own contract.
EDITH. I hope there will be no hinting. Let us have the plain
straightforward truth and nothing but the truth.
COLLINS. Yes, yes, miss: it will be all right. Theres nothing
underhand, I assure you. It's a model agreement, as it were.
EDITH [unconvinced] I hope so.
HOTCHKISS. What is the first clause in an agreement, usually? You
know, Mr Alderman.
COLLINS [at a loss] Well, Sir, the Town Clerk always sees to
that. Ive got out of the habit of thinking for myself in these
little matters. Perhaps his lordship knows.
THE BISHOP. I'm sorry to say I dont. Soames will know. Alice,
where is Soames?
HOTCHKISS. He's in there [pointing to the study].
THE BISHOP [to his wife] Coax him to join us, my love. [Mrs
Bridgenorth goes into the study]. Soames is my chaplain, Mr
Collins. The great difficulty about Bishops in the Church of
England to-day is that the affairs of the diocese make it
necessary that a Bishop should be before everything a man of
business, capable of sticking to his desk for sixteen hours a
day. But the result of having Bishops of this sort is that the
spiritual interests of the Church, and its influence on the souls
and imaginations of the people, very soon begins to go rapidly to
the devil--
EDITH [shocked] Papa!
THE BISHOP. I am speaking technically, not in Boxer's manner.
Indeed the Bishops themselves went so far in that direction that
they gained a reputation for being spiritually the stupidest men
in the country and commercially the sharpest. I found a way out
of this difficulty. Soames was my solicitor. I found that Soames,
though a very capable man of business, had a romantic secret his-
tory. His father was an eminent Nonconformist divine who
habitually spoke of the Church of England as The Scarlet Woman.
Soames became secretly converted to Anglicanism at the age of
fifteen. He longed to take holy orders, but didnt dare to,
because his father had a weak heart and habitually threatened to
drop dead if anybody hurt his feelings. You may have noticed that
people with weak hearts are the tyrants of English family life.
So poor Soames had to become a solicitor. When his father died--
by a curious stroke of poetic justice he died of scarlet fever,
and was found to have had a perfectly sound heart--I ordained
Soames and made him my chaplain. He is now quite happy. He is a
celibate; fasts strictly on Fridays and throughout Lent; wears a
cassock and biretta; and has more legal business to do than ever
he had in his old office in Ely Place. And he sets me free for
the spiritual and scholarly pursuits proper to a Bishop.
MRS BRIDGENORTH [coming back from the study with a knitting
basket] Here he is. [She resumes her seat, and knits].
Soames comes in in cassock and biretta. He salutes the company by
blessing them with two fingers.
HOTCHKISS. Take my place, Mr Soames. [He gives up his chair to
him, and retires to the oak chest, on which he seats himself].
THE BISHOP. No longer Mr Soames, Sinjon. Father Anthony.
SOAMES [taking his seat] I was christened Oliver Cromwell Soames.
My father had no right to do it. I have taken the name of
Anthony. When you become parents, young gentlemen, be very
careful not to label a helpless child with views which it may
come to hold in abhorrence.
THE BISHOP. Has Alice explained to you the nature of the document
we are drafting?
SOAMES. She has indeed.
LESBIA. That sounds as if you disapproved.
SOAMES. It is not for me to approve or disapprove. I do the work
that comes to my hand from my ecclesiastical superior.
THE BISHOP. Dont be uncharitable, Anthony. You must give us your
best advice.
SOAMES. My advice to you all is to do your duty by taking the
Christian vows of celibacy and poverty. The Church was founded
to put an end to marriage and to put an end to property.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. But how could the world go on, Anthony?
SOAMES. Do your duty and see. Doing your duty is your business:
keeping the world going is in higher hands.
LESBIA. Anthony: youre impossible.
SOAMES [taking up his pen] You wont take my advice. I didnt
expect you would. Well, I await your instructions.
REGINALD. We got stuck on the first clause. What should we begin
with?
SOAMES. It is usual to begin with the term of the contract.
EDITH. What does that mean?
SOAMES. The term of years for which it is to hold good.
LEO. But this is a marriage contract.
SOAMES. Is the marriage to be for a year, a week, or a day?
REGINALD. Come, I say, Anthony! Youre worse than any of us. A
day!
SOAMES. Off the path is off the path. An inch or a mile: what
does it matter?
LEO. If the marriage is not to be for ever, I'll have nothing to
do with it. I call it immoral to have a marriage for a term of
years. If the people dont like it they can get divorced.
REGINALD. It ought to be for just as long as the two people like.
Thats what I say.
COLLINS. They may not agree on the point, sir. It's often fast
with one and loose with the other.
LESBIA. I should say for as long as the man behaves himself.
THE BISHOP. Suppose the woman doesnt behave herself?
MRS BRIDGENORTH. The woman may have lost all her chances of a
good marriage with anybody else. She should not be cast adrift.
REGINALD. So may the man! What about his home?
LEO. The wife ought to keep an eye on him, and see that he is
comfortable and takes care of himself properly. The other man
wont want her all the time.
LESBIA. There may not be another man.
LEO. Then why on earth should she leave him?
LESBIA. Because she wants to.
LEO. Oh, if people are going to be let do what they want to,
then I call it simple immorality. [She goes indignantly to the
oak chest, and perches herself on it close beside Hotchkiss].
REGINALD [watching them sourly] You do it yourself, dont you?
LEO. Oh, thats quite different. Dont make foolish witticisms,
Rejjy.
THE BISHOP. We dont seem to be getting on. What do you say, Mr
Alderman?
COLLINS. Well, my lord, you see people do persist in talking as
if marriages was all of one sort. But theres almost as many
different sorts of marriages as theres different sorts of people.
Theres the young things that marry for love, not knowing what
theyre doing, and the old things that marry for money and comfort
and companionship. Theres the people that marry for children.
Theres the people that dont intend to have children and that arnt
fit to have them. Theres the people that marry because theyre so
much run after by the other sex that they have to put a stop to
it somehow. Theres the people that want to try a new experience,
and the people that want to have done with experiences. How are
you to please them all? Why, youll want half a dozen different
sorts of contract.
THE BISHOP. Well, if so, let us draw them all up. Let us face it.
REGINALD. Why should we be held together whether we like it or
not? Thats the question thats at the bottom of it all.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Because of the children, Rejjy.
COLLINS. But even then, maam, why should we be held together when
thats all over--when the girls are married and the boys out in
the world and in business for themselves? When thats done with,
the real work of the marriage is done with. If the two like to
stay together, let them stay together. But if not, let them part,
as old people in the workhouses do. Theyve had enough of one
another. Theyve found one another out. Why should they be tied
together to sit there grudging and hating and spiting one another
like so many do? Put it twenty years from the birth of the
youngest child.
SOAMES. How if there be no children?
COLLINS. Let em take one another on liking.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Collins!