THE BISHOP [cutting him short] Now, Boxer, am I the Bishop or are
you?
THE GENERAL [sulkily] You.
THE BISHOP. Then dont ask me are you to understand. "Yours not to
reason why: yours but to do and die"--
THE GENERAL. Oh, very well: go on. I'm not clever. Only a silly
soldier man. Ha! Go on. [He throws himself into the railed chair,
as one prepared for the worst].
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Alfred: dont tease Boxer.
THE BISHOP. If we are going to discuss ethical questions we must
begin by giving the devil fair play. Boxer never does. England
never does. We always assume that the devil is guilty; and we
wont allow him to prove his innocence, because it would be
against public morals if he succeeded. We used to do the same
with prisoners accused of high treason. And the consequence is
that we overreach ourselves; and the devil gets the better of us
after all. Perhaps thats what most of us intend him to do.
THE GENERAL. Alfred: we asked you here to preach to Leo. You are
preaching at me instead. I am not conscious of having said or
done anything that calls for that unsolicited attention.
THE BISHOP. But poor little Leo has only told the simple truth;
whilst you, Boxer, are striking moral attitudes.
THE GENERAL. I suppose thats an epigram. I dont understand
epigrams. I'm only a silly soldier man. Ha! But I can put a plain
question. Is Leo to be encouraged to be a polygamist?
THE BISHOP. Remember the British Empire, Boxer. Youre a British
General, you know.
THE GENERAL. What has that to do with polygamy?
THE BISHOP. Well, the great majority of our fellow-subjects are
polygamists. I cant as a British Bishop insult them by speaking
disrespectfully of polygamy. It's a very interesting question.
Many very interesting men have been polygamists: Solomon,
Mahomet, and our friend the Duke of--of--hm! I never can remember
his name.
THE GENERAL. It would become you better, Alfred, to send that
silly girl back to her husband and her duty than to talk clever
and mock at your religion. "What God hath joined together let no
man put asunder." Remember that.
THE BISHOP. Dont be afraid, Boxer. What God hath joined together
no man ever shall put asunder: God will take care of that. [To
Leo] By the way, who was it that joined you and Reginald, my
dear?
LEO. It was that awful little curate that afterwards drank, and
travelled first class with a third-class ticket, and then tried
to go on the stage. But they wouldnt have him. He called himself
Egerton Fotheringay.
THE BISHOP. Well, whom Egerton Fotheringay hath joined, let Sir
Gorell Barnes put asunder by all means.
THE GENERAL. I may be a silly soldier man; but I call this
blasphemy.
THE BISHOP [gravely] Better for me to take the name of Mr Egerton
Fotheringay in earnest than for you to take a higher name in
vain.
LESBIA. Cant you three brothers ever meet without quarrelling?
THE BISHOP [mildly] This is not quarrelling, Lesbia: it's only
English family life. Good morning.
LEO. You know, Bishop, it's very dear of you to take my part; but
I'm not sure that I'm not a little shocked.
THE BISHOP. Then I think Ive been a little more successful than
Boxer in getting you into a proper frame of mind.
THE GENERAL [snorting] Ha!
LEO. Not a bit; for now I'm going to shock you worse than ever.
I think Solomon was an old beast.
THE BISHOP. Precisely what you ought to think of him, my dear.
Dont apologize.
THE GENERAL [more shocked] Well, but hang it! Solomon was in the
Bible. And, after all, Solomon was Solomon.
LEO. And I stick to it: I still want to have a lot of interesting
men to know quite intimately--to say everything I think of to
them, and have them say everything they think of to me.
THE BISHOP. So you shall, my dear, if you are lucky. But you know
you neednt marry them all. Think of all the buttons you would
have to sew on. Besides, nothing is more dreadful than a husband
who keeps telling you everything he thinks, and always wants to
know what you think.
LEO [struck by this] Well, thats very true of Rejjy: In fact,
thats why I had to divorce him.
THE BISHOP [condoling] Yes: he repeats himself dreadfully, doesnt
he?
REGINALD. Look here, Alfred. If I have my faults, let her find
them out for herself without your help.
THE BISHOP. She has found them all out already, Reginald.
LEO [a little huffily] After all, there are worse men than
Reginald. I daresay he's not so clever as you; but still he's not
such a fool as you seem to think him!
THE BISHOP. Quite right, dear: stand up for your husband. I hope
you will always stand up for all your husbands. [He rises and
goes to the hearth, where he stands complacently with his back to
the fireplace, beaming at them all as at a roomful of children].
LEO. Please dont talk as if I wanted to marry a whole regiment.
For me there can never be more than two. I shall never love
anybody but Rejjy and Sinjon.