out of Town I over took a Fellow, who began to strike up with his Pipe,
and thinking he had but one, he presently perceiv’d it to be multiply’d
into an Organ, and wonder’d (with the Bumpkin that pull’d at the Bellows)
that he had so much Harmony in him. For you must know hereabouts dwelt a
Thing call’d an _Eccho_, who as soon as she heard _Sol_, _fa_, whip! she
improv’d the Melody into Noise and Consort; presently increasing those
single Notes into the whole _Gamut_; and most neatly play’d the Wag with
the Tail of his Voice, being a very pretty Songster, that sings well by
the Ear. But leaving the Piper by himself to solace with the tatling
Reverberation of Voice, I proceeded on my Journey into _Rutlandshire_,
the least County in _England_, where at _Oakham_, the Shire-Town, is a
Custom, that when a Nobleman comes on Horseback within its Precincts,
the Inhabitants make him pay the Homage of a Shoe from his Horse, or
take Money for it. And so exorbitant is this Custom grown now, that if
a Lady, be she as tall as long _Meg_ of _Westminster_, or as short as
the little Woman, that was carried formerly about the Country in a Box,
as fat as the Royal Sovereign the largest first Rate Fire-Ship that
sails _Drury-Lane_, and the narrow Seas contiguous to it, or as lank
as _Pharaoh_’s lean Kine, they would swear she was a _Flander_’s Mare,
and presently take toll from her Foot. This Sharpness hath made most of
the _Rutlandshire_ People, much addicted to the Vice of Theft; every
Thing sticks to their pitchy Fingers; and they have such an attractive
Virtue, that wherever they come, all Things trot after the Magnetism
of their Persons. A Fellow squating upon a Criket in a Room I was in,
and rising up from his Seat, the Stool on a Sudden (as if tackt to his
Backside) immediately march’d after him, to the great Amazement of the
Woman of the House, who did not suspect, that his Bum had Hands, or that
her Stool so nimbly could have us’d its Legs. Another espying a Cylinder
of Bag-Pudding pretty Thick in the Waste, lolling upon the Table, whilst
the Hostess turn’d her Back, in the very twinkling of her Head, pocuss’d
it into Fob, and so shrouded its Dimensions into a second Bag. Moreover
observing a joulter headed Fellow, looking very wishfully at my Head,
fearing he had some Design upon what few Brains I had, to furnish his own
empty Noddle; I presently paid my Reckoning, and made the best of my Way
for _London_; where I was no sooner arriv’d, but perceiving most People
murmuring at the great Indulgence then extended to the _Dissenters_, I
composed (at the earnest Request of some Friends) the following Lines on
Toleration.
_~Religion!~ Now a meer fantastick Name,
The ~Heathens~ Glory, but the ~Christians~ Shame;
A Cloak for ~Hyprocites~, the Tool of State,
And, to decoy dull Fools, the ~Levites Bait~;
Thy ~Lustre~ was not tarnish’d in the Time
When ~Vice~ was ill, and ~Virtue~ was no Crime?
When holy Folks from ~Sin~ for Refuge fled,
And no ~Dissention~ in Opinions bred.
In the first ~Infancy~ of humane Race,
The World was overshadowed with ~Grace~;
The very Light of Nature ~Goodness~ taught,
And humble Vot’ries to the ~Altar brought~;
Where ~Hecatombs~, no longer doom’d to live,
Sincere ~Devotion~ did to Heaven give.
Again, the ~Jews~ were not so very blind,
But they in ~Rites~ and ~Types cou’d Blessings find~;
~Mosaic~ Customs, and ~Levitic Rules~,
Was all the Doctrine of the ~Rabbins~ Schools:
In mystic Rites, and ceremonial Laws,
With ~GOD~ and ~Angels~ they cou’d plead their Cause.
But now the ~Temple-Veil~ is drawn aside,
Which did the Truth in ~Hieroglyphicks hide~,
The great ~Messiah~, by a wond’rous Birth,
From ~Heaven~ came, to preach to Men on Earth;
Whose sacred ~Sermons~ shew’d the certain Way,
How all the World ~JEHOVAH~ must obey:
And by his ~seamless Garment~ we may see,
One only ~Faith~ does please the ~Deity~.
So ~Toleration~’s but ~a Wile, to draw
Dissenters~ from the ~Gospel~ and the ~Law~;
But none by such ~Indulgence~ will be shamm’d,
But ~Fools, that will in spite of Fate be d⸺’d~._
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
THE
Comical PILGRIM,
OR,
_Travels thro’ WALES_.
Having had a Suit of Law in Chancery, which was lost thro’ my Lawyers
Mismanagement, at the Charge of twenty five Pounds out of Pocket, I could
not forbear making the following Observations on the Unhappiness of those
People who go to Law.
Some are so zealous to ruin one another, that _Westminster-Hall_ is
every Term made the Place of Destruction. They fasten upon, worry and
tear one another; and he that gets the better, generally pays so dear
for his Victory that he had better have sat down by the Loss. Not that
I would, with the _Socinians_, stretch that Command of our Saviour to
his Disciples, to let the Coat go after the Cloak, and make it a Sin
against the Gospel, for Christians to go to Law, any farther, than that
they should not contend for Trifles. _Christianity_ lays no Body open
to be abus’d, and impos’d upon, where a regular Remedy may be had. It
forbids doing as we would not be done by, and obliges us to bearing
and forbearing, rather than to be litigious; but takes away no Body’s
Property, nor gives so much Countenance to Injustice, as to disarm the
oppress’d from recovering their Right. Had going to Law been a Crime in
itself, it had never been permitted to the _Jews_. They were allow’d
it, and had Courts by divine Appointment erected for the Determination,
of what belong’d to every Man. And it is too much for a few singular
Dissenters upon a Text, to take upon themselves the putting a Bar to
_Christian_ Liberty, which in all Ages has been admitted. Nor can we
see here that these Precepts of the Sermon upon the Mount, be confin’d
as some would have them, to the first Ages only: That what was legal
in those Days, it is not the same now. It seems to be from too much
Inclination to the World, such Expositions have been set up, that make a
Difference in Times and Seasons, as if the Precepts of the Gospel were
not always of the same Obligation; and we could excuse ourselves in the
Contempt of them, because we are not the Persons they were immediately
deliver’d to.
Tho’ the litigious Humour of some Men richly deserve a chargeable Remedy,
there is yet a Commiseration due sometimes to their Antagonist. A Man
may, whether he will or not, be engag’d in these bloody Conflicts at the
Suit of his Neighbour’s Pride or Malice. And since the most peaceable
Temper may be oblig’d to complain of Oppression, or answer the Charge
of Picque and Revenge; ’tis Pity but Justice were to be obtain’d at
a cheaper Rate, and a slight Wound may be cur’d without Amputation,
which nothing but a Gangrene can justify. We could wish the Law were
less chargeable; that seeking Right were not as bad as suffering Wrong:
That the Avenues to Justice were not to be set with Robbers, that a Man
must lose one Purse to recover another, and be stript into the Bargain.
_Justice_ (we are told) should be blind, and so we think she is, when
she can’t see the exorbitant Fees of her Attendants. When to be let in
and let out, costs so much Oppression, nothing could have been severer.
When the Man that’s summon’d to answer in a litigious Suit, must go
thro’ so many Toils, and be so often spung’d in his Passage, he might as
well have pass’d for Guilty, as pleaded Innocence: Like the Christians
in _Turkey_, who pay double Taxes for their Religion, and hire infidel
Moderation to connive at their Patriarch’s Jurisdiction. Why these
Imposts were laid upon the Road to Justice, we never could understand.
How that can be made out, we are much at a Loss. Which of the liberal
Arts or Sciences thrives upon the Fees of Door-Keepers? Is copying and
Abbreviation so essential a Point to Learning, a Nation could not have
maintain’d a Character without it? Are so many Lines a Sheet, and so many
Words in a Line, so Mathematical a Substraction of ones Money, that the
Credit of the Nation must rise in Proportion to the Losses of the poor
Meagre, wasted _Culprit_? We are told too ’tis upon a politick Account,
to prevent Contention: That the more difficult is the Way to Justice, the
more People are inclin’d to be quiet. If the Courts were open to every
Grievance, there would be Complaints without End. A Hog could not go
thro’ a Stone Yard, but the Law must be rais’d against the Trespasser.
A Man could not be an Hour without a _Subpœna_ or Attachment, if there
was Room for every Body’s Impertinence. ’Twould prevent Contention as
effectually, if the Person in Fault were punish’d; if paying sufficient
Cost to the Adversary or Fine, were inflicted by the Court upon a
litigious Plaintiff, or roguish Defendant.
As the Cause stands, the Law is a Weapon for the Proud, and revengeful.
These may be in the Right, at least have their Revenge, if their
Purse be the longest. So chargeable have been the Methods of bringing
Oppressors to Account, so expensive the Armour to defend the Innocent,
that one may think the first Loss had been the best, and the other wish
he had let the Coat go to him that had taken away the Cloak. There’s a
Revolution indeed of Estates, and where the Law has broke one Family, it
has rais’d another. If the Desolation the Law has made, were recorded,
and the Ensigns of the Orphans and Widows were hung up, whose forlorn
Relations have been press’d into the Service, there would be no Room
for those brought from the _Danube_ and _Ramellies_. ’Tis true, much
may be said in Favour of a mistaken Client, in Excuse of Ignorance,
Passion, and the like: But where a Man engages in a Cause palpably
litigious and unjust, he becomes a Party to the Injustice, and deserves
at least equal Punishment with him he appears for. _Thou sawest a Thief,
and consentedst unto him_, is chargeable upon the Pleader, as a Person
concern’d. Should these Maintainers of Learning be mercenary, and like
Sergeants at the _Compter_, gape at every Retainer? Should they have an
Indulgence to cross-bite an Evidence, to abuse the Adversary, and rip
up the Misfortunes of his Family, and belch a few Witticisms instead of
Arguments? How shall the World maintain Reverence to their Opinion? How
shall we take them for the Guides of Conscience, set aside the receiv’d
Interpretation of the Law, and believe them when they say, _The Case is
alter’d_? I shall say no more upon this Point, but only use these Words
of our Saviour, _Woe unto you also, ye Lawyers: For ye lade Men with
Burdens grievous to be born, and ye yourselves touch not the Burdens with
one of your Fingers. Wo unto you Lawyers: For ye have taken away the Key
of Knowledge: Ye enter’d not in yourselves, and they that were entring
in, ye hindred._
Being quite surfeited with seeing the Legerdemain, or _hocus pocus_
Tricks of Madam _Astræa_, _alias_ Justice, the Day after _Trinity-Term_
being, drest with _Aurora_, nay before she had put on her _Indian_ Gown,
I set out with the Sun in order to take a Pilgrimage into _Wales_, who
bearing me Company but little while, withdrew into an Appartment behind
a Cloud, at whose Absence, the Heavens frowning and contracting their
Brows, did presently fall a crying, and wept such plentiful Showers of
Tears that they moistned my Skin with the Deluge of their Grief. At the
End of 8 or 9 Days, I reach’d _Wales_, which is the most monstrous Limb
in the whole Body of Geography; for ’tis generally reported to be without
a Middle, or if it hath a Navel, it is yet a _Terra incognita_; for I
never could find that ever any Man dwelt there, the Natives confessing
themselves only Borderers. Surely the Reason why they do so much affect
the Circumference of their Country, and abominate the Centre, is, because
they are asham’d of the Dominion; and indeed, ’tis a Sign they have but
a little Kindness for their Nation, who (like unnatural Sons) run from
their Mother their Country, and when out of her Embraces, never return
again. A _Welshman_, when once abroad, hath no more Tendency Home, than
a Stone an Inclination to fall upward: He will trot o’er the Globe, and
rather endure the Affliction of any Exile, than the cruel Punishment of
being banish’d Home; if he is once on this Side _Dee_, neither Hunger,
nor Husks, nor any Kind of Hardship shall drive him on the other.
No sooner had I set my Feet upon _Welsh_ Turf, but in a little Time I
found the Country was tuckt in on all Sides with the Sea, except on the
East, on which Part it was ditch’d in from _England_ by that notable
Delver, King _Offa_, King of the _Mercians_: Over this Dike, if any
_Welshman_ chance to skip with his Sword by his Side, by King _Harold_’s
Law, he was to lose a Branch of his Body, _i. e._ his right Arm was lopt
off by the King’s Officers. Some think it had its Name from its Godfather
_Idwallo_, Son to _Cadwallader_, who with a small Crew of _Britons_,
at the Arrival of the _Saxons_, hid themselves in this Corner. Others
suppose them to be the Spawn of the _Gauls_, from whom they seem to be
but a few _Aps_ remov’d; _ap Galloys_, _ap Gauls_, _ap Wallois_, _ap
Wales_.
As for the Inhabitants, they are a pretty Sort of Creatures, which when
I saw, I was so far from stroaking them with the Palms of Love, that I
was almost ready to buffet them with the Fist of Indignation. They are
a rude People, and want much Instruction. Not one _Welshman_ is sharp,
unless his Mother happens to pour Vinegar into his Ear, when young.
When I consider the Soil from whence they sprang, and the Desarts, and
Mountains wherein they wander, I cannot but think, that greater Pains
should be taken in cultivating and manuring, in disciplining, and taming
them, in Regard ’tis harder for a Bearward to teach Civility to the
Beasts of _Africk_, than those who come from a more mannerly Country.
I have been inform’d that they were dug from a Quarry, and that they
dwell in a stony Land; so that if we compare this Kingdom to a Man, as
some do _Italy_ to a Man’s Leg, they inhabit the very Testicles of the
Nation. And I pray what are those but the vilest of Creatures that breed
as well in the Privities of the greater _British_ World, as those that
are hatcht in the _Pudenda_ of the lesser? But whether _Welshmen_ are
the _Aborigines_ of their Country, as Crab-Lice are the _Autocthones_
of theirs, and proceed only (like them) from the Excrements of their
Soil, I shall not here dispute. They are of a boorish Behaviour, of a
savage Physiognomy; the Shabbiness of their Bodies, and the Baoticalness
of their Souls, and that, which cannot any otherwise be exprest, the
_Welchness_ of both, will fright a Man as fast from them, as the Odness
of their Persons invites one to behold them. Some of them are such rude
and indigested Lumps, so far from being Men, that they can scarce be
advanc’d into living Creatures; nay they are such unmanageable Materials,
that they can scarce be hewn into the Shape of Blocks; much Labour and
Art is requir’d therefore to make them Statues.
The whole Nation (like a _German_ Family) is of one Quality; for as every
Lord’s Son is a Lord in _Germany_, so every one is crown’d with the Title
of Gentleman here; so that hur Country is a good Pasture for an Herald to
bite in. In their Travels they care not much that their Horses should
drink with a Toast, as appears by the which a _Shinkin_ discover’d, whom
his quaffing Beast had pitch-pol’d into a River. Udsplutter-a-nails quoth
he in great Fury, what cannot hur drink without a Toast? He took it much
in dudgeon, that the Jade should be so bold as to make a Sop of his
Master.
The Materials of his Apparel are usually a well shagg’d Freeze, so that
we cannot call it sleepy, being fleec’d with a Nap like any Sheep-Skin:
It affords excellent Harbour to the Vermin of his Body, which whether
it be stockt with Store of Joicements of them, he commonly signifies by
the Symbol of a Shrug. The Perfection of a _Welshman_’s Equipage, the
Cream (as it were) of his Accoutrements, and that which compleats ever
his most festival Attire, is (as the Story goes) an old Sword of hur
nown breeding, which hur hath brought up from a Tagger: And this he can
brandish with much Valour against the tremenduous on-set of dragooning
Bees; a kind of Enemy which the Taffy is much afraid of, in Regard he
is always arm’d with a Pike in’s Reer, which once upon a Time fastening
in his Forehead, broach’d such a Pore in his Physiognomy, that he could
never endure those hum-buzzing Gentlemen (as he calls them) in yellow
Doublets.
The Country is mountainous, and yields pretty Handsome clambering for
Goats, and hath Variety of Precipice to break ones Neck; which a Man may
sooner do than fill his Belly, the Soil being barren, and an excellent
Place to breed a Famine in. It is reported of _Campania_, that it was
the most noble Region in the World, the Air pleasant, the Soil fertil,
the Theatre of _Bacchus_ and _Ceres_, where they were at fisty-cuffs
for the Preheminence: But I perceiv’d no such Scuffle in _Wales_; for
those Deities are so far from fighting there, that I could not discern
they were so much as ever there; there being scarce Water and Oatmeal
to give a Man Being. I could not expect _Egypt_ and the _Canaries_ Buts
and Granaries to give me a well Being: There is no _Canaan_ to be found
in a Desart. As for the Diet of a _Briton_, a good Mess of Flummery, and
a Pair of Eggs, he rejoyces at, as a Feast, especially if he may close
his Stomach with toasted Cheese, for a Morsel of which he hath a great
Kindness. You may see him pictur’d sometimes with that Crevice in his
Head call’d a Mouth, charg’d at both Corners with a Cresent of Cheese,
and himself a Cock-Horse on a red Herring, and his Hat adorn’d with a
Plume of Leeks: Good edible Equipage! Which when hunger pinches, he makes
bold to nibble; he first eats his Cheese and his Leeks together, and for
second Course he devours his Horse. But he never much cared for a Sop,
since once upon a Time it drank up all his Drink, and would not club to
pay his Shot.
The _Cambro-Britons_ are great Admirers of heroick Actions, and much
Honour the Memory of famous Atchievements; insomuch, that rather than a
dead-doing Man shall perish in Oblivion, they will eternize his Memory by
the Monument of a Straw, or some such inconsiderable Trifle; as appears
by the famous Example of that Saint of their Country, Bishop _David_, who
being a pert Fighter, and having soundly basted and swadled their Foes,
is at this Day consecrated to Posterity by the Trophy of a Leek; and
smells as rank of Renown from that vegetable Preservative that embalms
his Fame, as they do of a Scallion that carry it about for his Glory.
Their Hats are set with this anniversary Badge, and Emblem of Honour and
Triumph, on the first of _March_, which Day hath been christen’d by his
Name, and being dubb’d an Holyday, hath worn yearly a black Livery in the
Almanack.
Nevertheless, the _Welchmen_ being cursedly thick-scull’d, they are so
far from being Plotters, that they swear they will never fight for any
King upon Earth, but the Prince of _Wales_; because there can be no true
Royal Blood running in the Veins of any great Man, but what borrows his
Title from their Country, let him be born where he will: And considering
what wicked plotting Times we now live in, no Body can blame them for
their Cautiousness of being hang’d; for tho’ it is a Death natural to
them, yet they say, sleeping in a whole Skin is best. Not that they value
hanging, but only they abhor the Death, unless the Office is perform’d a
by a _Welch_ Hangman, instead of an _English_ one.
They are much inclin’d to Choler, for hur _Welch_ Plood is soon mov’d,
and then hur stamp and stare, and scrat hur Pole, and vent hur Fury
in Ud-splutter-a-nails, and will fight for hur Life in Battle at
fisty-cuffs. They are polite in nothing but Faction and Sedition, for
there are high and low Church Parties among them too, which occasions
much Contention and Quarrels.
The Musick a _Welchman_ plays upon, is a Tool stiled an Harp, with which,
when Sustenance fails him, he strikes up for a Morsel, and so lives by
Sounds, and (Camelion like) hath Alimony from Air. He serenades Victuals
in every Village, as the pide Piper did Rats at _Hamel_, and he allures
Luncheons after him, as much as the other did Vermin: Here a Nob of Bacon
wags after him, for one Strain; and there a Crust follows him, as the
Reward of another; one hits him in the Mouth with the Payment of Pottage,
another pops him in the Pocket with the Gratuity of a Carrot; all which
Variety of Fragments is the most ample Income, and wonderful Revenue of
his Skill in Musick. His usual Admirers are Country Milk-Maids, whom
Vibration of String doth move and stir into Jigg and Measure; and whom
Breeze of Instrument (like those in Tail) do chase and tickle into Dance
and Caper.
I could not perceive that the _Welch_ were guilty of much Learning, which
made a Man skill’d in Orthography admir’d as a Sophy; and a Writer of
his Name, to be term’d a Rabbi. As for the Loves of the _Britons_, the
Intrigues of their Amours are not a little remarkable, they being very
pretty Animals when disguis’d with that Passion: They are Tinder to
such Flames, being quickly set on fire, even by the least Spark, which
when it hath catch’d the Match of their Souls (for they have Brimstone
in them as well as in their Bodies) they are presently kindled into
Transport and Extasy; and these model them into the Shapes of a thousand
Anticks, and make them shew more Tricks than old _Preston_’s Bears.
Sometimes they are shaking the Globules of their Noddles, and sometimes
dancing some Geometry with the Figures of their Feet; now they smite
with Clapper of Fist their troubled Breasts, and anon sound out some
Knels of dismal Groans; being variously affected as the Weather is in
their _Clorinda_’s Faces; if Aspect be clear, then is _Taffy_ serene; if
brow be cloudy, then is _Morgan_ Showry. Whilst I was in this Country, I
heard of a _Welchman_ that went a wooing with a Gun upon his Shoulder,
being resolv’d (it seems) if Love be a Warfare, not to enter unarm’d
into the Camp of _Venus_; still as his coy _Daphne_ shifted from his
Presence, he march’d musketeering about the Room, and most fiercely
pursu’d her, till at last in the brisk Encounter of a close Embrace, this
warlike Instrument took an Occasion somewhat unmannerly to go off, and
blunderbuss’d the Mistress on her Breech on one Side of the House, and
poor _Taffy_ on his Nose on the other; so that being much dismay’d at
this unhappy Accident, one scrabled one Way, and the other another, to
the utter spilling of a Mess of Love, and total Separation of a Pair of
Lovers for ever.