_An apology--Eloquent Peroration by our Vice-President_--NAYLOR _offers
some critical remarks, and_ KIRKSTONE _relates a humorous anecdote_.
I am in a position this week to redeem my promise, and raise the
hitherto impenetrable veil that has long shrouded the proceedings of the
Gargoyle Club from the Public Eye. In the exercise of the discretion
with which I have been entrusted, I have somewhat departed from the form
of report originally contemplated, and selected only the more striking
and characteristic deliverances of my fellow Gargoyles, interspersed
with such short notes and descriptions as may best serve to bring out
their several mannerisms and idiosyncrasies. Should I offend by this I
shall deeply regret it, but I find that there are traditions and customs
in the management of a facetious periodical which, however exacting and
absurd in themselves, must be respected by those who would furnish it
with literary matter.
Having thus apologised in advance to any honourable Gargoyle who may
consider himself misrepresented or insufficiently reported, let me
present, as the first instalment of these papers, some extracts from
notes taken at a most instructive debate last session upon the motion
(brought forward by PLUMLEY DUFF; opposed by GASPARD HARTUPP), that:
"In the opinion of this House, Science has been productive of more real
benefit to the Human Race than Art."
Somehow, although I know that DUFF'S speech was compounded of plain
common sense interspersed with abundant facts (all DUFF'S speeches are
like that), I did not begin to take notes that evening until HARTUPP had
reached his peroration, which was in this form:--
"Sir," said HARTUPP (_with an inflection of unspeakable pathos in his
voice, which ought to make_ PINCENEY _shed tears--but does not_),
"before I sit down--before, Sir, I resume my seat,"--(_this solemnly, as
if he has a deep presentiment that he may never resume another
seat_)--"let me ask the Honourable Member who is responsible for the
Motion on the paper this evening--let me put to him this single inquiry,
this solitary question--and I shall await his answer with considerable
curiosity." ... (_Here_ HARTUPP _gazes with an air of challenge at_
DUFF, _who, however, is drawing_ EUCLID'S _first proposition upon his
blotting-pad, an occupation which seems to absorb the whole of his
faculties for the moment_.) "Is he here to-night to deny the existence
of any good that is not visible, that is not tangible, that cannot be
measured with a tape, or weighed in scales? _Sir_, that is the
philosophy of the volatile sparrow, of the soulless hog, that skims the
vault of the azure empyrean, and wallows content in the mire of his
native sky--I _should_ say" (_with an air of careless concession to
prosaic accuracy_), "stye! That bird, Sir, that pig, like the Honourable
Proposer himself"--(_a titter here from the more frivolous_; DUFF _rubs
his nose, and evidently wonders whether_ HARTUPP _has been saying
anything worth noticing_)--"would find the universe none the poorer had
PRAXITELES carved nothing more immortal than an occasional cold fowl;
had HOMER swept his lyre, not in commemoration of the fall of an ancient
Troy, but to celebrate the rise of a new soap (HARTUPP _rather prides
himself on his talent for antithesis_); "and had TITIAN lavished all his
wealth of glowing colour and gorgeous hues upon the unretentive surface
of some suburban pavement! But, _Sir_, I hope that we, by our vote
to-night, will afford no encouragement to the gross and contemptible
materialism which is the curse of the present day, and of which, I am
compelled to add," (_here he glances reproachfully at the unconscious_
DUFF, _who is sharpening a pencil_), "we have been afforded so
melancholy an example this evening. Let us proclaim to the world without
that we, as Gentlemen and as Gargoyles, repudiate, that we loathe, that
we abhor, that we abominate," (HARTUPP _seems to be screwing all these
verbs out of himself, and throwing them defiantly at_ DUFF,) "the
grovelling tendency of our animal nature to ignore the joys of the soul
and the pleasures of the intellect, and place its highest enjoyment in
the ignoble pursuit of creature comforts!"
[_Here_ HARTUPP _sits down amidst applause, and applies himself
diligently to his whiskey-and-water_.
At a later period in the evening, just as the debate was beginning to
languish, NAYLOR started to his feet with a long strip of paper which,
being shortsighted, he held close to his nose. NAYLOR invariably takes
elaborate notes, with the intention of pointing out and refuting the
errors of all previous speakers. Unfortunately, as he cannot always read
the notes, and seldom remembers the objections he meant to urge, his
criticisms are not as effective as could be desired. On this occasion,
NAYLOR said:--"I'm not going to make a speech, Sir, I only want to point
out one or two things which struck me as requiring to be met. I'll take
them in their order." (_Here he fumbles with his strip of paper, which
will get upside down when he wished to refer to it_). "Oh, here it is!
There was a Gargoyle who said--I believe it was the Proposer of this
motion--_didn't_ you?" (_To_ DUFF, _who shakes his head in solemn
disclaimer_). "Well, it was somebody, anyway, but he told us that----."
(_Here_ NAYLOR _again refers to his notes_). "I'm afraid I can't exactly
make out what he did say--but I don't agree with him. Then there was
another speaker who said, (I took it down at the time) that he'd rather
have a good traction-engine than the finest poem ever written! Well, my
reply to _that_ is----" (_here_ NAYLOR _has another wrestle with his
notes and comes up triumphant_) "that's _his_ opinion. I wouldn't. Next,
someone asked, 'What practical use was SHAKSPEARE to any man?'" (_A
pause._) "I've got an answer to that on my notes, somewhere, only I
can't find it. But, anyhow," (_cheerfully_) "I know it was rather
sticking up for SHAKSPEARE, to a certain extent. Then, didn't someone
else say, 'Music elevated the mind?'" (_A Member acknowledges the
responsibility of this bold sentiment._) "Well, I don't say it
doesn't--only, _how_? you know, that's the point!" (_A long pause,
during which_ NAYLOR _and his notes appears to be getting inextricably
involved_). "There was a lot of other things I meant to say, but I'm
afraid I don't quite remember them at this moment."
With this, NAYLOR sat down suddenly, apparently very little depressed by
the total absence of applause--he knew that a fearless critic is never
popular.
After that we had a little speech from dear old KIRKSTONE, who rose to
tell us an anecdote, which the subject had suggested to him. Appropriate
anecdotes are always occurring to KIRKSTONE, and he applies them in the
neatest and happiest manner, being gifted with the keenest sense of
humour of any one in our Society. In fact, the very keenness of
KIRKSTONE'S appreciation operates almost as a disadvantage, as will be
seen from the following extract, taken on the spot.
_Kirkstone (rising, and playing with his watch-chain)._ "Sir, whilst
listening to the speeches of Honourable Members this evening, I could
not help being reminded of a story I heard the other day." (_Here a
slight spasm passes over his ample cheeks, and we all settle down in
delighted anticipation_). "There was an old farmer--one of the regular
old-fashioned sort." (_Faint preliminary chuckle down in_ KIRKSTONE'S
_throat_.) "Well, he had a daughter, who--_tchick!_--played on
the--_tehee!_--the piano, and one day he was induced to go in for
a"--(_convulsion, followed by sounds like the extraction of a very
refractory cork_)--"for a Steam-plough! Soon afterwards he happened to
meet a friend--another farmer, or the parson, I forget which, and it
don't signify. Well, and the friend asked 'how he got on with his
Steam-plough.' And the old farmer says--_hork-hork!_--he says, 'Don't
talk to me 'bout no Steam-plough--_ki-hee-hee!_--when there's my darter
at home, and she--_crick, crick, criggle!_' (KIRKSTONE _proceeds
gallantly, but is unintelligible until the close_)--'with her darned
pianner--_haw-haw-haw!_' Well, the House can apply the moral of that
themselves--I thought it was rather to the point myself. That's all I
got up to say."