Once there was a provincial Tradesman who gave his Yokemate a Christmas
Present. It was a kind of Dingus formerly exhibited on the What-Not in
almost every polite Home.
By peering through at the twin Photographs and working it like a Slide
Trombone, one could get ravishing glimpses of Trafalgar Square, Lake
Como, and the Birthplace of Bobby Burns.
Nearly every evening the Tradesman would back up to the Student Lamp
and put in a delirious half-hour with the Views.
While gazing up the Rue de Rivoli or across the rice paddies at the
snowy cap of Fuji, his Blood would become het by the old boyhood Desire
to sail across the Blue to Foreign Parts.
Those who saw him mowing the Lawn little suspected that he was being
inwardly eaten by the Wanderlust.
The Tradesman, Edwin by name, and his Managing Director, Selena, formed
the magic-lantern Habit away back in the days of Stoddard. They never
missed a chance to take in Burton Holmes. Sitting in the darkness,
they would hold hands and simply eat those Colored Slides.
Selena belonged to a Club that was trying to get a side-hold on the Art
and Architecture of the Old World. She had a smouldering Ambition to
ride a Camel in the Orient and then come home and put it all over a
certain proud Hen who had spent six weeks in Europe.
One visit to Niagara Falls and a glorious week of Saengerfest at
Cincinnati had simply whetted her desire to take Edwin by the hand and
beat it all the way around the Globe, via Singapore. To prepare
herself for the Grand Tour, she took 12 lessons in French and read up
on the Taj Mahal.
She had to wait patiently until Edwin was threatened with a Nervous
Break-Down. At last the Happy Day arrived when the Specialist told him
he must make his choice between a long Sea Voyage and a slow ride to
the Family Lot.
Selena used Hydraulic Pressure in packing her Wardrobe Trunks. She
took all her circus Duds and a slew of Hats so that she could make the
proper Front, while being entertained Abroad.
Edwin had secured a Passport which identified him as a male white
Person, entitled to all the Courtesies and Privileges usually extended
to an American Citizen holding a Passport.
They were on the verge of the Jumps when they boarded the Train, but
they hoped to Relax and get a lot of Sleep on the Ocean Greyhound.
A few days later they were curled up in a Cabin de Luxe about the size
of a Telephone Booth, waiting for the Ocean Greyhound to recover from
an attack of Hydrophobia.
When they tottered down the Gang-Plank, after six days on the playful
North Atlantic, their only Comfort was derived from the knowledge that,
as soon as they had rested up, they could write home and quote the
Second Officer as saying it was the roughest Passage he had ever Known.
After spending a few days in London trying to get warm, they moved on
to Paris, which they remembered long afterward on account of Napoleon's
Tomb and the price of Strawberries.
Selena pulled her tall-grass French on a Hackman, but there was nothing
doing. He had taken it from a different Teacher.
So they employed a Guide who knew all the Shops. If Selena happened to
admire a Trinket or some outre Confection with Lace slathered on it, a
perfumed Apache in a Frock Coat would take Edwin into a side room, give
him the sleeve across the Wind-Pipe, and bite a piece out of his Letter
of Credit.
Edwin did a little quick work with the Pencil and said they could
either hurry on or else hie back to the Home Town and begin Life all
over again.
Three weeks after saying good-bye to Griddle Cakes they were in Naples,
which they had seen pictured on so many Calendars.
Looking back across the Centuries they recalled the Clerks standing in
the Doorways and the friends of the Progressive Euchre Club. It was
sweet to remember that the world was not made up entirely of cadging
Head Waiters.
Once in a while they would venture from the Hotel to run footraces with
the yelping Lazzaroni or try to look at Vesuve without paying seven or
eight members of the Camorra for the Privilege.
After being chased back into the Hotel, they would sit down and address
Post-Cards by the Hour, telling how much they were enjoying the stay in
Napoli, home of Song and Laughter.
Their only chance of catching even on the Imperial Suite at $9 a Day
was to make the Folks back at the Whistling Post think they were
playing Guitars and dancing the Tarantella, whatever that is.
Next we see them in Egypt, still addressing Post-Cards, and offering
anything within Reason for a good Cup of Coffee.
Somehow, sitting in the dusky Tombs didn't seem to help their Nostalgia.
Not that they would own up to being Home-Sick. No, indeed! They kept
writing back that they enjoyed every Minute spent among the Cemeteries
and Ruins, or sailing up the Nile, and Edwin was holding up
wonderfully, for an Invalid.
Only, when either of them spoke of the Children, or Corned-Beef Hash,
or the Canary, a long Silence would ensue, and then the Nervous Wreck
would cheer her by computing that they would be in God's Country within
four months, if they escaped Shipwreck, Sunstroke, and Bubonic Plague.
While parboiling themselves down the Red Sea it began to soak in on
them that, east of Suez, the Yank has about as much standing as the Ten
Commandments.
They could have endured sleeping in a Trough and bathing with a damp
Towel and eating Food kept over from the year before, if their Fellow
Voyagers had made a slight fuss over them or evinced some interest in
the wonders of North America.
The Congressman at home had assured them, on numerous occasions, that
Columbia was the Jim of the Ocean and the most upholstered portion of
the entire Foot-Stool.
Consequently, it was somewhat disconcerting to meet British subjects
who never had heard of Quincy, Illinois, and who moved their Deck
Chairs every time they were given a chance to hear about it.
Back in the Middle West, Edwin and Selena had been Mountains arising
from the Plain. At all points beyond Greenwich, they were simply two
unconsidered fragments of Foreign Substance.
The Passport did not seem to get them anything. While being walked
upon by the haughty Tea-Drinkers they could not claim the protection
of the American Flag, because they didn't see the Starry Banner after
leaving New York, except in front of a Fake Auction Sale, arranged
especially for Tourists.
By the time they found themselves in that vast bake-oven known as India
they were benumbed and submissive and had settled into a Routine.
They would arrive in a New Town, fly to the Hotel, unpack, go out and
buy their colored Post-Cards, come back to the Dump (usually called the
Grand Hotel Victoria), address Cards to all the Names on the list, then
pack up, pay the Overcharges, and ride to the Railway Station,
accompanied by a small regiment of Bashi-Bazouks who were looking for
Theirs.
The sight of a Temple threw Edwin into a Relapse, but he would have
given $8,000 for one look at the galvanized Cornice of the Court House.
Selena was still buying Souvenirs, but doing it mechanically, as if in
a Trance.
They had been stung with so many Oriental Phoneys and stuck up so often
that they had gone Yellow and lost their Nerve.
When they saw an outstretched Palm, they came across without a Whimper.
Cousin Ella, back among the Corn Fields, pictured them as riding a
caparisoned Elephant up to the marble Palace of the Gackwar of Baroda,
where Edwin would flash his Passport and then the distinguished Guests
would be salaamed to the Peacock Throne.
Nothing like it. They were led up to highly odorous Bazaars conducted
by lineal Descendants of the 40 Thieves.
Often, while riding in the dusty Cattle Cars and looking out at the
parched Plains, they would think of the shaded Front Porch, only 5
minutes from Barclay's Drug Store, where they sold the Ice Cream Soda.
Moaning feebly, they would return to the italicized Guide Book.
The Chow consisted largely of Curry and Rice, the medicinal flavor of
which was further accentuated by Butter brought in Tins all the way
from Sweden.
Although the Heat was intense, they found occasional Relief in sitting
next the Britons and getting a few Zephyrs direct from the Ice-Box.
Each day they would purchase a News-paper about the size of a Bed-Spread
and search eagerly for American News. Once in a while they
would learn that Congress had met or another Colored Person had been
burned at the Stake. It cheered them immensely to know that the Land
of the Free was still squirming.
At Rangoon they met a weary Countryman headed in the opposite
direction. He was a hard-faced Customer who was fighting the Climate
with Gin and Bitters, but they fell upon him and wanted to Kiss him
when they learned that he had once met Selena's Uncle at Colorado
Springs.
They told him how to save time in getting across India, and he gave
them a list of Places in China and Japan that might be dodged to
advantage.
Year after year in the months of March and April they continued on
their tedious Way through the burning Tropics.
Sometimes they came to a discouraged belief that the World was one
bluey expanse, disturbed by Flying Fish.
Then they would spend weary Ages along the avenues of white Lime-Kilns,
looking at Countless millions of hungry Brunettes in fluttering
Nighties.
Their principal Occupation, when not setting down Expressions of
Delight on the Post-Cards, was to study Time-Tables and cable ahead
for Reservations.
The Invalid's one desire was to get home and take a regular Bath before
being laid out.
Hong Kong pleased them exceedingly because they learned, by consulting
Mr. Mercator's Projection, that they were on the Home Stretch and, with
Luck in their favor, might live to see another Piece of Huckleberry Pie.
Japan they liked best of all. At Yokohama they received a bundle of
Dailies only six weeks old, giving full Particulars of a Wedding and
telling who was about to run for Mayor.
As soon as they were on the Pacific and headed for a refined Vaudeville
Show, they began to recover the brave Spirit of Travel and blow about
what they had seen.
The Towns and Temples and Tombs and Treasures of Art were all jumbled
together, but, by daily references to Baedeker and Murray, they were
enabled to find out where they had been and what they had seen with
their own eyes and how it impressed them at the time.
Before touching at Honolulu they were real enthusiastic about India.
They advised the awe-stricken Listener who had not been all the Way
around to be sure and take in Penang and Johore and, if necessary, they
would give him Letters of Introduction.
They said it had been a Wonderful Experience. Yes, indeed. And
broadening. Very. Then Edwin would wander to the front end of the
Ship and want to climb out on the Bowsprit so as to be in Frisco
ahead of anybody else.
He convalesced rapidly as they approached the Golden Gate, for he knew
that in a few days he would unpack for good and gallop down to the
office and not have to worry about Travelling.
The only Dark Cloud on the Shore hung above the Custom House. They
looked at all the Junk wished upon them by the simple Children of the
Far East and didn't know whether to declare it for what it cost or for
what it was really worth.
Being conscientious Members of the Church, they modified their Perjury
and smuggled only the usual amount of Carvings and hand-embroidered
Stuff.
Two hours after landing, Edwin saw a Porter-House Steak and burst into
tears.
They sped eastward by the first Train, still busy with the little Red
Books, for they knew they would have to answer a lot of Questions.
"Shall we own up and tell them the Awful Truth?" asked Selena.
"Not on your Esoteric Buddhism," replied Edwin. "We never will be
rewarded for our Sufferings unless we convince the Neighbors that we
had a run for our Money. It was a troubled Nightmare, in Spots, but
when I lecture in the Church Parlor I am going to burn Joss Sticks and
pull every variety of Bunk made famous by Sir Edwin Arnold and Lafcadio
Hearn."
On the following Tuesday, Selena appeared at the Club with her Mandarin
Coat and the long Hindoo Ear-Rings. She had them frozen in their
Chairs.
MORAL: Be it ever so Hard to Take, there is no Place like away from
Home.