Once there was a leading Citizen with only one Daughter, but she was
Some Offspring.
Bernice was chief Expense Account and Crown Jewel of a Real Estate
Juggler who had done so well that all the Strap-Hangers regarded him as
an Enemy to Society.
Papa was foolish, even as a Weasel.
He was what you might call Honest, which signified that all of his Low
Work had been done by Agents.
A Person of rare judgment, withal. He never copped a piece of bulky
Swag unless he had a Wheelbarrow with him at the time.
He had been going East with the Green Goods ever since the Party in
Power precipitated the first Panic.
He had Stacks of the Needful, and his Rating was AA Plus 1, to say
nothing of a Reserve cached in the little Tin Box.
Daughter alone could include him to unbuckle, and melt, and jar loose,
and come across, and kick in, and sting the Check-Book.
One day Bernice was a Little Girl, and the next she was head Flossie
among the Debutantes, with a pack of Society Hounds pursuing in Full
Cry, each willing to help count the Bank Roll.
Father was scared pink when he sized up the Field.
He still wore box-toed Boots and carried Foliage on the Sub-Maxillary
so that those who came ringing the Front Bell didn't look very lucky
to him.
Sometimes he would dream that he had been pushed into a Mausoleum and
that a slender Cyril with a Lady's Watch strapped on his wrist was
spending all of that Money for Signed Etchings.
Whereupon he would awake in a Cold Sweat and try to think of a safe
Recipe for poisoning Boulevard Blighters.
One day Bernice went out into the Sunshine and found something and
brought it home with her and put it on a Rug in the Elizabethan Room.
Father came in and took one look and said: "Not for Mine! I won't
stand for any Puss Willow being grafted on to our Family Tree."
His name was Kenneth, and he reduced his Percentage on the first day by
having the hem-stitched Mouchoir tucked inside of the Cuff.
Also, it was rumored that he put oil on his Eye-Brows and rubbed
Perfumery on the backs of his Hands.
Father walked around the He-Canary twice, looking at him over the
Specs, and then he rushed to the Library and kicked the Upholstery out
of an $80 chair.
He could see the love-light glinting in the Eyes of Bernice. She had
fallen for the Flukus.
Kenneth was installed as Steady.
When Bernice saw him turn the Corner and approach the House, he looked
to her like Rupert, the long lost Heir--while Father discerned only an
insect too large to be treated with Powder.
Kenneth was the kind of Sop that you see wearing Evening Clothes on a
Colored Post-Card.
If his private Estate had been converted into Pig Iron, he could have
carried it in his Watch Pocket.
He was re-fined and had lovely Teeth, but those who knew him well
believed the Story that when he was a Babe in Arms, the Nurse had let
him fall and strike on the Head.
He wore his Hair straight back and used Patent Leather dressing.
He was full of Swank and put on much Side and wore lily-colored Spats
and was an awful Thing all around, from Pa's point of view.
In a crowd of Bank Directors he would have been a cheap Swivel, but
among the Women Folks he was a regular Bright Eyes.
When you passed through the Archway of his Intellectual Domain you
found yourself in the Next Block.
But--he could go into a Parlor and sprinkle Soothing Syrup all over the
Rugs.
He had a Vaudeville Education and a small Tenor Voice, with the result
that many a fluttering Birdie regarded him as the bona-fide Ketchup.
Bernice thought she was lucky to have snared him away from the others,
and she had slipped him the whispered Promise, come Weal, come Woe.
She had no Mother to guide her, and it looked as if the Family was
about to have a Bermuda wished on to it.
No wonder Father was stepping sideways.
He would come home in the evening and find the Mush perched on a Throne
in the Spot Light, shooting an azure-blue Line of desiccated Drool,
with Bernice sitting out in front and Encoring.
Then he would retire to the back part of the House to bark at the
Butler and act as if he had been eating Red Meat.
He knew that if he elbowed in and tried to break up the Clinch, it
would mean a Rope Ladder, a piece in the Papers, and a final
Reconciliation, with Parent playing the usual role of Goat.
He was resolved not to put in the remainder of his Days being
panhandled by a Souffle who wore Dancing Pumps in the Daytime. The
problem was to get shut of the Rodent without resorting to any Rough
Stuff.
Father had never heard tell of the Perils of Propinquity, and he
thought Psychology had something to do with Fish.
Just the same, he remembered about a Quail a day for 30 days, and he
knew that the most agreeable Perfumery would not smell right if
applied with a Garden Hose.
Likewise, he suspected that many a Quarter-Horse would blow, if put
into a two-mile Handicap.
So he blocked out a Program which proved that Solomon had nothing on
him.
Instead of grilling young Kenneth and holding him up to Contumely and
forbidding him the use of the Cozy Corner, he started in to boost the
Love Match.
Kenneth all but moved in his Trunk.
Father had a chance to weigh him, down to the last Ounce, and study the
simple Mechanism of his transparent Personality.
Father classified the would-be Child-in-Law as a Gobbie, which means a
Home-Wrecker who is still learning his Trade.
The Candidate became a regular Boarder.
Kenneth would sit right up close to old Cash-in-Hand, who would egg him
on to tell Dialect Stories and, after that, show how to make a Salad.
The Stories were some that Marshall Wilder stopped using in 1882 and
since then have been outlawed on the Kerosene Circuit.
After Bernice had heard these Almanac Wheezes 26 or 28 times, she would
sit still and look at the Center-Piece while Lover was performing.
The Gags didn't sound as killing as they had at first, and sometimes
she wished the Dear Boy would chop on them.
No chance. Father had him kidded into believing that all the old
ham-fat Riddles were simply Immense.
As for that Salad Specialty, the poor Gink who calls loudly for English
Mustard and thinks he is a Genius because he can rub a Bowl with a
sprig of Garlic, may have his brief Hour of Triumph, but no man ever
really got anywhere by doping Salad, when you stop to add it all up.
Father would put the two young people together in the back of the
Touring Car and ride them around for Hours at a time.
Anybody who has cut in on one of those animated Automobile
Conversations, while the salaried Maniac from France is hitting up 42
miles an Hour, will tell you that the hind end of a Motor Vehicle is no
good Trysting Place for an Engaged Couple.
Bernice would get home after one of these wild swoops into the realm of
the Death Angel, and totter to her room and lie down, and murmur: "I
wonder what ailed Kenneth to-day. He seemed Preoccupied."
That Same Evening, just when she needed Smelling Salts and Absolute
Quiet, her enthusiastic Father would have Fiance up to Dinner and pull
the same stale Repertoire and splash around in the Oil and Vinegar.
If any Guests were present, then Father would play Introducer and tell
them beforehand how good Kenneth was.
When given his Cue, the Lad would swell up and spring a hot One about
the Swede and the Irishman, while Bernice would fuss with the Salt and
wonder dimly if the Future had aught in store for her except Dialect
Stuff.
Father had read on a Blotter somewhere that Absence makes the Heart
grow fonder, so he played his System with the Reverse English.
He arranged a nice long trip by Land and Water and took the male
Sweetheart along, so that the Doting Pair could be together at
Breakfast.
His cunning had now become diabolical. He was getting ready to apply
the Supreme Test.
Every Morning, when Bernice looked over her Baked Apple she saw nothing
in this wide World except Kenneth, still reeking of Witch Hazel and
spotted with Talcum Powder, and not very long on Sparkling
Conversation.
When he was propped up in the cold Dawn, with his eyes partially open,
he did not resemble a Royal Personage nearly as much as he had in some
of his earlier Photographs.
Father would order soft-boiled Eggs to be Eaten from the Shell. When
Kenneth got around to these, he would cease to be a Romantic Figure for
at least a few Minutes. Bernice would turn away in dread and look out
at the swaying Trees and long to see some of her Girl Friends back
home.
After Kenneth had been served to her, three meals a day, for two Weeks
and they had ridden together for Ages and Ages, in Pullman
Compartments, she made certain horrible Discoveries.
One of his Ears was larger than the other.
He made a funny noise with his Adam's Apple when drinking Hot Coffee.
When he was annoyed, he bit his nails.
When suffering from a Cold, he was Sniffy.
The first time she became aware of the slight discrepancy in Ears, she
suffered only a slight Annoyance. It handed her a tiny Pang to find a
Flaw in a Piece of Work that she had regarded as Perfect.
After she had seen nothing else but those Ears for many, many Days, it
became evident to her that if Kenneth truly loved her, he would go and
have them fixed.
Likewise, every time her Heart's Delight lifted the Cup to his Ruby
Lips, she would grip the Table Cloth with both Hands, and whisper to
herself, "Now we get the Funny Noise."
Kenneth, in the mean while, had found out that her Hair did not always
look the same, but one who is striving to get a Meal Ticket for Life
cannot be over-fastidious.
He was Game and stood ready to obey all Orders in order to pull down
the Capital Prize.
He had been such a Hit in the Maple-Sundae Set that he could not
conceive the possibility of any Female becoming satiated with his
Society.
The poor Loon never stopped to figure out that the only way to keep a
Girl sitting up and interested is to stay away once in a while and give
her a Vacation.
Father was right on the Job to see that Bernice had no Vacation. He
framed it up to give her a Foretaste of Matrimony every Day in the Week.
If the Future Husband wandered more than thirty feet from her side,
Father would nail him and Sic him on to her again.