It was twelve o'clock when Cornélie woke that morning. The sun was
piercing the golden slit in the half-parted curtains with tiny eddying
atoms. She felt dog-tired. She remembered that Mrs. Uxeley, on the
morning after one of these parties, left her free to rest: the old
lady herself stayed in bed, although she did not sleep. And Cornélie
lacked the smallest capacity to rise. She remained lying where she
was, heavy with fatigue. Her eyes wandered through the untidy room;
her handsome ball-dress, hanging listlessly, limply over a chair,
at once reminded her of yesterday. For that matter, everything in
her was thinking of yesterday, everything in her was thinking of her
husband, with a tense, hypnotized consciousness. She felt as if she
were recovering from a nightmare, a bout of drunkenness, a swoon. It
was only by drinking glass after glass of champagne that she had
been able to keep going, had been able to dance with Brox, had been
able to lead the figure when their turn came. But it was not only
the champagne. His eyes also had held her up, had prevented her from
fainting, from bursting into sobs, from screaming and waving her arms
like a madwoman. When he had taken his leave, when everybody had gone,
she had collapsed in a heap and been taken to bed. The moment she was
no longer under his eyes, she had felt her misery and her weakness;
and the champagne had as it were suddenly clouded her brain.
Now she lay thinking of him in the dejected slackness of her
overwhelming morning fatigue. And it seemed to her as if her whole
Italian year had been an interlude, a dream. She saw herself at the
Hague again, with her pretty little face and her little flirting ways
and her phrases always to the point. She saw their first meetings and
how she had at once fallen under his influence and been unable to flirt
with him, because he laughed at her little feminine defences. He had
been too strong for her from the first. Then came their engagement. He
laid down the law and she rebelled, angrily, with violent scenes, not
wishing to be controlled, injured in her pride as a girl who had always
been spoiled and made much of. And then he subdued her as though with
the rude strength of his fist--and always with a laugh on his handsome
mouth--until they were married, until she created a scandal and ran
away. He had refused to be divorced at first, but had consented later,
because of the scandal. She had freed herself, she had fled!...
The feminist movement, Italy, Duco.... Was it a dream? Was the
great happiness, the delightful harmony, a dream and was she awaking
after a year of dreams? Was she divorced or was she not? She had to
make an effort to remember the formalities: yes, they were legally
divorced. But was she divorced, was everything over between them? And
was she really no longer his wife?
Why had he done it, why had he pursued her after seeing her once
at Nice? Oh, he had told her, during that cotillon, that endless
cotillon! He had become proud of her when he saw how beautiful she
was and how smart, how happy she looked driving in Mrs. Uxeley's
or the princess' elegant victoria; it was then that he had seen
her, beautiful, smart and happy; and he had grown jealous. She, a
beautiful woman, had been his wife! He felt that he had a right to
her, notwithstanding the law. What was the law? Had the law taught
her womanhood or had he? And he had made her feel his right, together
with the irrevocable past. It was all irrevocable and indelible....
She looked about her, at her wits' end what to do. And she began to
weep, to sob. Then she felt something gaining strength within her,
the instinctive rebellion that leapt up within her like a spring which
had at length recovered its resilience, now that she was resting and
no longer under his eyes. She would not. She would not. She refused
to feel him in her blood. Should she meet him once more, she would
speak to him calmly, very curtly, and order him to leave her, show
him the door, have him put out of the door.... She clenched her fists
with rage. She hated him. She thought of Duco.... And she thought
of writing to him, telling him everything. And she thought of going
back to him as quickly as possible. He was not a dream, he existed,
even though he was living so far away, at Florence. She had saved a
little money, they would find their happiness again in the studio in
Rome. She would write to him; and she wanted to get away as quickly
as possible. With Duco she would be safe. Oh, how she longed for him,
to lie so softly and quietly and blissfully in his arms, against
his breast, as in the embrace of a miraculous happiness! Was it all
true, their happiness, their love and harmony? Yes, it had existed,
it was not a dream. There was his photograph; there, on the wall,
were two of his water-colours--the sea at Sorrento and the skies over
Amalfi--done in those days which had been like poems. She would be
safer with him. When she was with Duco, she would not feel Rudolph,
her husband, in her blood. For she felt Duco in her soul; and her soul
would be the stronger! She would feel Duco in her soul, in her heart,
in all the most fervent part of her life and gather from him her
uppermost strength, like a sheaf of gleaming sword-blades! Already
now, when she thought of him with such longing, she felt herself
growing stronger. She could have spoken to Brox now. Yesterday he
had taken her by surprise, had squeezed her between himself and
that looking-glass, till she had seen him double and lost her wits
and been defeated. That would never happen again. That was only due
to the surprise. If she spoke to him again now, she would triumph,
thanks to what she had learnt as a woman who stood on her own feet.
And she got up and opened the windows and put on her dressing-gown. She
looked at the blue sea, at the motley traffic on the Promenade. And
she sat down and wrote to Duco. She told him everything: her first
startled meeting, her surprise and defeat at the ball. Her pen flew
over the paper. She did not hear the knock at the door, did not hear
Urania come in carefully, fearing lest she should still be asleep
and anxious to know how she felt. Excitedly she read out part of her
letter and said that she was ashamed of her weakness of yesterday. How
she could have behaved like that she herself was unable to understand.
No, she herself could not understand it. Now that she felt somewhat
rested and was speaking to Urania, who reminded her of Rome, and
holding her long letter to Duco in her hand ... now she herself did
not understand it all and wondered which had been a dream: her Italian
year of happiness or that nightmare of yesterday....