AMONG THE GREEN LEAVES.
"Aunty Mary, are oo wicked?"
The speaker was a pretty healthy-looking boy of five.
The young girl whom he addressed as Aunty Mary was leaning back
languidly in a comfortable arm-chair, which had been placed under the
shade of a fine old beech-tree, standing on the lawn of a small but
beautiful garden.
At the back of the lawn was a cheerful-looking little cottage, almost
smothered in flowering creepers.
The girl was propped up on pillows, and there were wraps around her to
protect her from the spring wind. She was evidently in a state of
convalescence from a serious illness; and, indeed, she still seemed so
fragile that one would have said she was hardly likely to see the
ripened fruit of the blossoms that made the apple orchard beyond the
garden look so lovely on that early spring day.
As she lay back, a closed book in one hand, and a bunch of violets and
primroses, which the children had just brought her, in the other, her
large wistful eyes were gazing pensively through an opening in the green
foliage, to where below the orchards, at some distance off, there
stretched a broad sheet of blue water rippling in the soft wind,
surrounded by dark spreads of moor and glittering streaks of yellow
sand, backed afar off by undulating hills of heather.
It was indeed a lovely view, as lovely a one as even beautiful Surrey
can show. Not many Londoners know this Frensham Pond, as it is called,
and all that sweet valley of the upper Wey into which its waters drain,
though these are not more than thirty miles from the metropolis.
The little boy who spoke was sitting at the girl's feet with his head
resting on her lap.
He had been looking up into her face for some minutes silently, in a
solemn wondering manner, as she gazed over him towards the lake in an
absent-minded mood.
"Aunty Mary, are oo wicked?"
"Why do you ask such a funny question?" she said as she stroked his soft
curls.
"Cos mummy says, 'Good people is always happy and laugh, but bad ones
cry and are sorry.' Oo never laugh, Aunty Mary, but oo are not bad, are
oo?"
"You silly little boy!" interrupted a little girl who was a year younger
than her brother, "you know poor aunty's not well. That's why she don't
laugh. You'd cry, you'd be very naughty if you felt bad like aunty
Mary."
"You little darlings!" cried the girl as she pressed them to her with
warm affection and kissed them.
"But oh, Aunty Mary," continued Bobby, who had a great taste for
philosophical disquisitions, and was especially fond of adducing
arguments to prove the fallacy of the doctrine as regards retributive
justice, which those in authority over him tried to inculcate into his
acute little mind. "But oh, Aunty Mary, I believe that Anne (the cook)
is an awful bad woman, and yet she laughs very loud."
"She isn't bad, Bobby!" emphatically denied the sister.
"She is! doo know, aunty," and he spoke in a tone of mysterious
confidence, "doo know--mummy told them not to tell me; but I know--Anne
drowned all the poor baby dogs. There was six of them. Isn't she very
bad to kill all the poor little baby dogs, aunty?"
To the surprise of the children, Mary's response was a flood of
hysterical tears. Weakened by her illness, and in the early stage of
convalescence, she could not contain her feelings, and the innocent
words of the babies pierced her heart with bitter memories.
At this moment the mother of the children approached the group.
"Oh, mummy!" cried the puzzled Bobby running up to her, "poor Aunty
Mary's so bad. She's so sorry because the little baby dogs is killed."
Mrs. White was an active pretty little woman in a widow's cap. Her face
had a calm serenity in it, a great amiability which was yet free from
weakness, and which at once fascinated anyone who looked at her.
No one could know the sister of Dr. Duncan and fail to love her.
She came up to Mary and kissed her, and soothed her in her own sweet
feminine way. No influence could be more soothing than hers. To lessen
affliction was with her a gift.
The girl feeling tranquil again, put her arms round her neck and kissed
her.
"You have been out too long, dear," said Mrs. White. "Come in now. I
want you to lie on the sofa, and hear me play a new piece of music Harry
has just sent me." She had observed before how beneficial an effect
music had on the girl, and she knew when to employ it.
For such was this woman. She would notice all the little tastes of those
who were with her, especially of this sick girl, whom her brother had
confided to her care, and unobtrusively, without the object of her
attention ever guessing it, she would do the right thing to please at
the right time.
Mary had not been long in this pleasant cottage among the Surrey hills
before she conceived a great affection for this good woman and her three
little children.
At times now she was very happy; but it was a painful happiness, for she
was frightened at the very greatness of it, feeling that it could not be
for long. When the shadow, as it often did, came across her mind, it
seemed all the more horrible and dark in contrast to the innocent light
around her.
So her sadness deepened. The thought of the terrible future preyed on
her mind. The knowledge that she was pledged to perform a fearful duty,
made her tremble at the deliciousness of this new life, this glorious
paradise, of which she was allowed a passing glimpse, but which must be
for ever closed to her.
This prevented her brain from recovering beyond a certain point, and on
some days her memory would leave her, and she would be like a child
again, a helpless, lovable witless creature, to see whom was to bring
tears to the eyes of the hardest.
One circumstance, happily for herself, was entirely erased from her
memory, never to return to it--this was Susan's confession of the
barrister's murder. She distinctly remembered going into the ward and
recognizing her old benefactor, but on what happened after that, her
mind was a complete blank. She knew nothing of Susan's cold-blooded
explanation, or of her own fainting-fit.
Mrs. White was a truly religious woman, and Dr. Duncan, thinking it
well, if only from a physical point of view, to divert the girl's
thoughts into ways of consolation, had hinted to his sister that Mary
had been educated by an atheist, and so most probably herself
entertained rather strange opinions on the subject of religion.
Thereupon the woman, without obtruding it in any way, yet contrived to
bring before the girl's observation, how intimately religion entered
into the daily life of herself and others, how in sorrow they were
comforted by their faith, and looked forward to happiness beyond the
grave.
All this seemed so strange to the girl at first. She looked on with a
mild mournful wonder, yet envied this mental state so entirely opposite
to her own.
"The simple happy people," she thought. "Ah! that I was like them and
did not know."
The two entered the drawing-room of the cottage, a cheerful room, whose
graceful ornaments and profusion of flowers reflected the spirit of the
lady of that peaceful abode.
Mary was forced by her hostess to lie back on the sofa; then Mrs. White
sat down at the piano and began to play. It was a new piece of the
German school, not cheerful exactly, certainly not melancholy, but full
of a dreamy exaltation, suggestive of wanderings into some glorious
realm. Indeed, it breathed all the rapture of religion.
Mary listened to it, feeling really happy as that noble harmony filled
her soul, and for the moment drove away the shadow altogether.
She felt as if she were floating away into a shadowless heaven on that
flood of music, and odour of flowers, and sunshine, that harmonising
together pervaded all the room.
Then the music stopped.
After a pause Mrs. White said, "How do you like that, dear?"
"Oh, it is beautiful! too beautiful! It makes one so sad afterwards!"
"Do you find that? I don't at all."
"It seems to carry one away into some altogether impossible happiness,
and when it is over one feels a regret for it. It is like waking out of
a very pleasant dream."
"Poor dear, you won't talk like that when we have got you round. I'm a
witch, and I foretell lots of happiness for your young life yet."
"You are always happy, Mrs. White."
"Of course I am. I should be a very discontented person if I was not,
with everything to make me happy as I have."
Mary sighed. "And this woman," she thought, "has yet lost her husband,
she has lost her love forever, and yet is happy! Could I ever be happy
again if I lost mine?" She would have liked to have asked her a question
yet dared not. She wondered whether the widow was happy because she knew
she would meet her love in another world. "She could not be happy unless
she believed this. How sweet must be the lives of such as this woman, so
full of love and joy, which even death, they believe, cannot destroy.
How different," she thought, "from the agony, the despair, of those like
me who know no world but this, who, when their loved ones are taken from
them, lose them for ever. Ah, the hopelessness of it!" She felt that she
was alone in the world, altogether cut out from the innocent joys and
beliefs, for she had tasted the fruits of that poisonous tree of
knowledge.
At last she said,
"Music generally raises one curious idea to me, not altogether sad but
so strange. That last piece did not raise that idea though, but made me
feel wonderfully glad while it lasted."
"And what is it that most music suggests to you then?" asked Mrs. White.
"It is very curious. It makes me feel as if I was all alone, far away
somewhere, apart from other beings, and that all else was nothing but a
series of pictures passing by me. Did you ever read Greek plays, Mrs.
White?"
"Dear me! no! never. Why, you don't mean to say that Greek too was one
of your studies?"
"No! but my aunt has read me translations of some of the Greek plays,
and she explained to me the spirit of them. I often feel when I am
listening to music as if I was the central figure of one of those old
tragedies, a being hunted by a relentless fate; and sometimes it seems
as if all that comes across me in life were incidents and characters in
the play--characters subsidiary to mine, instruments of the Fate which
is the key-note of the play, some knowingly, some unknowingly. Those
who harm me will not be punished, those who are kind to me will not be
rewarded; they are but the blind tools of the same Destiny. For in my
play there is not, as in modern plays and novels, a retributive justice
setting all things right at the end, but this pitiless Fate, careless of
anyone. It is a fearful fancy and it seems to haunt me."
She said this in a languid dreamy way, beating the sides of the sofa
nervously with her thin fingers as she spoke.
The idea was a common one of hers, and as she said, haunted her, with
many others of like nature, born of that most pernicious habit of
self-introspection which her recent education had inculcated.
"It's not a very healthy fancy, dear," said Mrs. White; "but we'll soon
drive it away. Life is not a Greek drama if that's what a Greek drama is
like. No human being stands alone in that way. There is no relentless
Fate. We are all bound together by something better than that. I am sure
I don't feel like a subsidiary character to you"--and she laughed
merrily--"but as your dear friend who loves you very much."
"Oh, I wish I could believe all that you do, Mrs. White. I am altogether
lost in a maze of contrary ideas. I don't seem to know what is right or
wrong now in the least--since my illness. I am getting so puzzled about
everything--" a little hysterical half-sob, half-laugh divided her
sentences. "I don't think my head will ever get right again--when I try
to think my brain gets quite sick and dizzy, and I don't know where I
am."
"Poor little girl! but you must not think at all, at present; you've got
to please your friends by being quiet and allowing them to get you well
again."
"I wish I was good and unselfish like you, dear Mrs. White."
"Nonsense, child--I am not more unselfish than other people. What
greater pleasure is there than to make others happy? It's not so
unselfish after all to do what is the pleasantest to oneself."
"Ah! that is it--I am beginning to feel it. There is only one thing
about which I am quite certain."
"And that is?"
"That to help others, that to love, is the only happy thing on earth. It
is so nice to love. Sometimes when I am altogether miserable I can make
myself happy by thinking of all the dear friends that I love, and
planning little things I can do for them.--Ah, my dear friends! I would
die to help them--Love! It is the only thing I do understand. I have
grown so weak that I cannot realize now all I once thought and knew, and
believe in it as I did--but I do love."
"And what more is wanted? I do not believe that any human being is
altogether miserable as long as he can love. Love, dear, is the key of
all happiness. Religion is love. Scientific people may talk of their
discoveries--may talk about our having no wills, about our being
machines--excuse me, dear, for I am not clever in these things--but can
they explain this love? Not a bit of it. No machinery, no evolution, no
fortuitous concourse of atoms--you see I know some of the learned
terms--can make love, I know!"
The simple woman spoke with conviction. This was her favourite, indeed,
her only argument against materialism. She would listen to no other
arguments for or against. This one, in her opinion, entirely crushed
vain philosophy, so there was no necessity to look further into the
question.
She felt rather proud of her logic and eloquence, so looked through the
corners of her eyes at Mary, to see what effect her speech had produced.
She was disappointed to discover that it had not impressed the girl
much.
"But oh, what a puzzle this life is!" said Mary. "There can be no doubt
that to love humanity, that to work for the happiness of the race, is
far higher than merely to love and help our friends. But it is so
difficult a problem; the interests of humanity and of the individual are
so often entirely different."
Mrs. White looked thoughtful. The idea expressed by Mary was evidently
rather novel to her, and she did not know whether it ought to be
considered as an orthodox one or the reverse. Anyhow as being something
new, it must be regarded, with suspicion--it might be some subtle
fallacy of materialists and socialists--so she said,
"To work for humanity is far beyond most of us anyhow. We must be
content to love and help each other, or do nothing. I don't think we
poor simple women need trouble ourselves much about humanity. We must
leave that to wiser heads, and even they seem to go wrong as often as
not when they make the circle of their sympathy too wide.
"Besides how much nicer to love people you can be with and see, how
pleasant to make them smile! To love humanity generally, and to think
only about nations and races instead of individuals, must be rather a
cold sort of a love. I am a weak woman and must love something I can
touch. Now you see I am not so unselfish as you imagined," she laughed,
"and I like to get an immediate reward for anything I do, and you will
have to give me a reward at once dear for all this learned lecture, in
the shape of a nice kiss."
At this juncture the maid announced that the tea was ready, so the
debate on love was postponed till another day, the artless prattling of
the little children, who then came indoors, turning the conversation
into a very different groove.
* * * * *
Gradually by weakness and human love, Mary was brought over to doubt her
old teachings. "Were they after all infallible? Was religion true?
Surrounded by all the mysteries of life, with all these loves, these
emotions, these profound instincts, was it not presumptuous folly for
man to despise their whisperings, and from the limited data of science
to argue that there was no God, no religion, no free will, no _a priori_
ethics?"
Mary begun to yearn after that religion of love which she saw so
beautifully exemplified in this woman.
At times, when she felt her head turn as if her senses were altogether
going, when the shadow rushed on her mind as if to darken it suddenly
and for ever; she would clasp her hands and shut her eyes, and repeat to
herself the word, "Love! love! love!" in a monotonous passionate way.
She felt as if doing this prevented the darkness from utterly closing on
her. The uttering of this word seemed a charm to her in her half-witted
state. It was her first attempt at prayer.
In this weak imbecile condition, love, as she said herself, became her
master idea. She loved, loved that one man, and also in another way, her
friends, especially her benefactress Catherine King, and this kind
sister of Dr. Duncan.
Her mental disease seemed to have intensified this emotion; and well it
was so, perhaps, for it relieved her overwrought brain from the presence
of the shadow, which otherwise would have alone occupied her thoughts
and oppressed her constantly.
Her love for the children was an intense one. She had never played with
children for years, hardly ever when herself an infant, and she had
actually come to consider them as a sort of half-conscious creatures,
for Catherine generally talked about them as if they were so, when
advocating her strange views as to their removal if they stood in the
way of humanity's progress.
But now Mary, being in close companionship with babies, felt a true
woman's sympathy for them, and fully realised the horrible nature of the
work she was pledged to.
The natural result came at last. Her mind underwent a gradual change;
but it was not till after a long time, not without much doubt and
wavering, that she finally made a certain step of supreme importance.
This was no less than a determination that she at any rate would not be
guilty of child-killing, however expedient it might be for humanity. She
made up her mind to acquaint Catherine King with this resolve at the
earliest opportunity.
But this left her still in a great perplexity. That intolerable secret
would still be on her mind. She could not betray her benefactress.
Though herself innocent of blood, she would still know of the terrible
work of the Sisterhood; she would be constantly hearing of its results,
and yet not be able to utter one word to save the children.
Painfully she reflected what she ought to do, but could see no way open
to her; and as the problem daily stood out more terribly bright before
her, and yet daily more insoluble, her reason began to wane once more.
What health she had gained was being gradually lost again.
She felt that she was dying and she was glad to die, poor perplexed
child, for whom circumstances had made life so portentous a problem!