When Paul left the woman’s house and found himself out in the meadow
again he too had the sensation that there was something alive,
something ghostly, undefinable in the wind. It buffeted him about and
chilled him through and through after his ardent dream of love, and as
it twisted and flattened his coat against his body he thought with a
quiver of the woman clinging to him in a passionate embrace.
When he turned the corner by the church the fury of the wind forced him
to stop for a moment, with head bent before the blast, one hand holding
on his hat and the other clutching his coat together. He had no breath
left, and giddiness overcame him as it had overcome his young mother
that far-off day on the way from the mill.
And with mingled excitement and loathing he felt that something
terrible and great was born in him at that moment: for the first time
he realized clearly and unmistakably that he loved Agnes with an
earthly love, and that he gloried in this love.
Until a few hours ago he had been under a delusion, persuading both
himself and her that his love was purely spiritual. But he had to
admit that it was she who had first let her gaze linger upon him, that
from their earliest meeting her eyes had sought his with a look that
implored his help and his love. And little by little he had yielded to
the fascination of that appeal, had been drawn to her by pity, and the
solitude that surrounded her had brought them together.
And after their eyes had met their hands had sought and found each
other, and that night they had kissed. And now his blood, which had
flowed quietly so many years, rushed through his veins like liquid fire
and the weak flesh yielded, at once the vanquished and the victor.
The woman had proposed that they two should secretly leave the village
and live or die together. In the intoxication of the moment he had
agreed to the proposal and they were to meet again the following night
to settle their plans. But now the reality of the outside world, and
that wind that seemed trying to strip him bare, tore away the veil of
self-deception. Breathless, he stood before the church door; he was icy
cold, and felt as though he were standing naked there in the midst of
the little village, and that all his poor parishioners, sleeping the
sleep of the weary, were beholding him thus in their dreams, naked, and
black with sin.
Yet all the time he was thinking how best to plan his flight with the
woman. She had told him that she possessed much money.... Then suddenly
he felt impelled to go back to her that instant and dissuade her; he
actually walked a few steps beside the wall where his mother had passed
shortly before, then turned back in despair and fell on his knees in
front of the church door and leaned his head against it, crying low,
“O God, save me!” and his black cloak was blown flapping about his
shoulders as he knelt there, like a vulture nailed alive upon the door.
His whole soul was fighting savagely, with a violence greater even
than that of the wind on those high hills; it was the supreme struggle
of the blind instinct of the flesh against the dominion of the spirit.
After a few moments he rose to his feet, uncertain still which of the
two had conquered. But his mind was clearer and he recognized the real
nature of his motives, confessing to himself that what swayed him
most, more than the fear and the love of God, more than the desire for
promotion and the hatred of sin, was his terror of the consequences of
an open scandal.
The realization that he judged himself so mercilessly encouraged him to
hope still for salvation. But at the bottom of his heart he knew he was
henceforth bound to that woman as to life itself, that her image would
be with him in his house, that he would walk at her side by day and at
night sleep entangled in the inextricable meshes of her long dark hair.
And beneath his sorrow and remorse, deeper and stronger still, he felt
a tumult of joy glow through his inmost being as a subterranean fire
burns within the earth.
Directly he opened the presbytery door he perceived the streak
of light that issued from the kitchen and shone across the little
dining-room into the entrance hall. Then he saw his mother sitting by
the dead ashes, as though watching by a corpse, and with a pang of
grief, a grief that never left him again, he instantly knew the whole
truth.
He followed the streak of light through the little dining-room,
faltered a second at the kitchen door, and then advanced to the hearth
with hands outstretched as though to save himself from falling.
“Why have you not gone to bed?” he asked curtly.
His mother turned to look at him, her dream-haunted face still deathly
pale; yet she was steady and quiet, almost stern, and while her eyes
sought those of her son, his tried to evade her gaze.
“I was waiting up for you, Paul. Where have you been?”
He knew instinctively that every word that was not strictly true would
be only a useless farce between them; yet he was forced to lie to her.
“I have been with a sick person,” he replied quickly.
For an instant his deep voice seemed to disperse the evil dream; for an
instant only, and the mother’s face was transfigured with joy. Then the
shadow fell again on face and heart.
“Paul,” she said gently, lowering her eyes with a feeling of shame,
but with no hesitation in her speech, “Paul, come nearer to me, I have
something to say to you.”
And although he moved no nearer to her, she went on speaking in a low
voice, as though close to his ear:
“I know where you have been. For many nights now I have heard you go
out, and to-night I followed you and saw where you went. Paul, think of
what you are doing!”
He did not answer, made no sign that he had heard. His mother raised
her eyes and beheld him standing tall and straight above her, pale as
death, his shadow cast by the lamp upon the wall behind him, motionless
as though transfixed upon a cross. And she longed for him to cry out
and reproach her, to protest his innocence.
But he was remembering his soul’s appeal as he knelt before the
church door, and now God had heard his cry and had sent his own
mother to him to save him. He wanted to bow before her, to fall at
her knee and implore her to lead him away from the village, then and
there, immediately; and at the same time he was shaking with rage and
humiliation, humiliation at finding his weakness exposed, rage at
having been watched and followed. Yet he grieved for the sorrow he was
causing her. Then suddenly he remembered that he had not only to save
himself, but to save appearances also.
“Mother,” he said, going close to her and placing his hand on her head,
“I tell you that I have been with some one who is ill.”
“There is nobody ill in that house.”
“Not all sick persons are in bed.”
“Then in that case you yourself are more ill than the woman you went to
see, and you must take care of yourself. Paul, I am only an ignorant
woman, but I am your mother, and I tell you that sin is an illness
worse than any other, because it attacks the soul. Moreover,” she
added, taking his hand and drawing him down towards her that he might
hear her better, “it is not yourself only that you have to save, O
child of God... remember that you must not destroy her soul... nor
bring her to harm in this life either.”
He was bending over her, but at these words he shot upright again like
a steel spring. His mother had cut him to the quick. Yes, it was true;
during all that hour of perturbation since he had quitted the woman he
had thought only of himself.
He tried to withdraw his hand from his mother’s, so hard and cold,
but she grasped it so imperatively that he felt as though he had been
arrested and were being led bound to prison. Then his thoughts turned
again to God; it was God who had bound him, therefore he must submit to
be led, but nevertheless he felt the rebellion and desperation of the
guilty prisoner who sees no way of escape.
“Leave me alone,” he said roughly, dragging his hand away by force, “I
am no longer a boy and know myself what is good or bad for me!”
Then the mother felt as though she were turned to stone, for he had
practically confessed his fault.
“No, Paul, you don’t see the wrong you have done. If you did see it you
would not speak like that.”
“Then how should I speak?”
“You would not shout like that, but you would assure me there is
nothing wrong between you and that woman. But that is just what you
don’t tell me, because you cannot do so conscientiously, and therefore
it is better you should say nothing at all. Don’t speak! I don’t ask it
of you now, but think well what you are about, Paul.”
Paul made no reply, but moved slowly from his mother’s side and stood
in the middle of the kitchen waiting for her to go on speaking.
“Paul, I have nothing more to say to you, and I have no wish to say
anything more. But I shall talk with God about you.”
Then he sprang back to her side with blazing eyes as though he were
about to strike her.
“Enough!” he cried, “you will be wise never to speak of this again,
neither to me nor to anyone else; and keep your fancies to yourself!”
She rose to her feet, stern and resolute, seized him by the arms and
forced him to look her straight in the eyes; then she let him go and
sat down again, her hands gripping each other tightly in her lap.
Paul moved towards the door, then turned and began to walk up and down
the kitchen. The moaning of the wind outside made an accompaniment
to the rustle of his clothes, which was like the rustle of a woman’s
dress, for he wore a cassock made of silk and his cloak was of the very
finest material. And in that moment of indecision, when he felt himself
caught in a whirlpool of conflicting emotions, even that silken rustle
seemed to speak and warn him that henceforth his life would be but a
maze of errors and light things and vileness. Everything spoke to him;
the wind outside, that recalled the long loneliness of his youth, and
inside the house the mournful figure of his mother, the sound of his
own steps, the sight of his own shadow on the floor. To and fro he
walked, to and fro, treading on his shadow as he sought to overcome
and stamp down his own self. He thought with pride that he had no need
of any supernatural aid, such as he had invoked to save him, and then
immediately this pride filled him with terror.
“Get up and go to bed,” he said, coming back to his mother’s side; and
then, seeing that she did not move but sat with head bowed as though
asleep, he bent down to look more closely in her face and perceived
that she was weeping silently.
“Mother!”
“No,” she said, without moving, “I shall never mention this thing to
you again, neither to you nor to anyone else. But I shall not stir
from this place except to leave the presbytery and the village, never
to return, unless you swear to me that you will never set foot in that
house again.”
He raised himself from his bending position, overtaken again by that
feeling of giddiness, and again superstition took hold of him, urging
him to promise whatever his mother asked of him, since it was God
Himself who was speaking by her mouth. And simultaneously a flood
of bitter words rose to his lips, and he wanted to cry out upon his
mother, to throw the blame on her and reproach her for having brought
him from his native village and set his feet upon a way that was not
his. But what would be the use? She would not even understand. Well,
well!... With one hand he made a gesture as though brushing away the
shadows from before his eyes, then suddenly he stretched out this hand
over his mother’s head, and in his imagination saw his opened fingers
extend in luminous rays above her:
“Mother, I swear to you that I will never enter that house again.”
And immediately he left the kitchen, feeling that here was the end of
everything. He was saved. But as he crossed the adjoining dining-room
he heard his mother weeping unrestrainedly, as though she were weeping
for the dead.
* * * * *
Back in his room, the scent of roses and the sight of the various
objects strewn about which were associated with his passion,
impregnated and coloured by it, as it were, shook him afresh. He
moved here and there without any reason, opened the window and thrust
his head out into the wind, feeling as helpless as one of the million
leaves whirled about in space, now in the dark shadow, now in the
bright light of the moon, playthings of the winds and clouds. At last
he drew himself up and closed the window, saying aloud as he did so:
“Let us be men!”
He stood erect to his full height, numb as though all his body were
cold and hard and enclosed in an armour of pride. He desired no more
to feel the sensations of the flesh, nor the sorrow nor the joy of
sacrifice, nor the sadness of his loneliness; he had no wish even
to kneel before God and receive the word of approval granted to the
willing servant. He asked nothing from anyone; he wanted only to go
forward in the straight way, alone and hopeless. Yet he was afraid of
going to bed and putting out the light, and instead he sat down and
began to read St. Paul’s Epistle to the Corinthians: but the printed
words fled his gaze, they swelled and shrank and danced up and down
before his eyes. Why had his mother wept so bitterly, after he had
sworn an oath to her? What could she have understood? Ah, yes, she
understood; the mother’s heart understood only too well the mortal
anguish of her son, his renunciation of life itself.
Suddenly a wave of red overspread his face, and he raised his head,
listening to the wind.
“There was no need to have sworn,” he said to himself with a doubtful
smile, “the really strong man never swears. Whoever takes an oath, as I
did, is also ready to break his oath, even as I am ready.”
And instantly he knew that the struggle was only really beginning, and
so great was his consternation that he rose from his seat and went to
look at himself in the mirror.
“Here thou standest, the man appointed by God, and if thou wilt
not give thyself wholly to Him, then the spirit of evil will take
possession of thee for ever.”
Then he staggered to his narrow bed and, dressed as he was, flung
himself down upon it and burst into tears. He wept silently that his
mother might not hear him, and that he might not hear his own crying,
but his heart within him cried aloud and he was wrung with inward grief.
“O God, take me, bring me out of this!”
And the uttered words brought him real relief, as though he had found a
plank of salvation in the midst of that sea of sorrow.
* * * * *
The crisis over he began to reflect. Everything seemed clear to him
now, like a landscape seen from a window in the full light of the sun.
He was a priest, he believed in God, he had wedded the Church and was
vowed to chastity, he was like a married man and had no right to betray
his wife. Why he had fallen in love with that woman and still loved
her he did not exactly know. Perhaps he had reached a sort of physical
crisis, when the youth and strength of his twenty-eight years awoke
suddenly from its prolonged sleep and yearned towards Agnes because she
had the closest affinity with him, and because she too, no longer very
young, had like him been deprived of life and love, shut up in her
house as in a convent.
Thus from the very first it had been love masquerading as friendship.
They had been caught in a net of smiles and glances, and the very
impossibility of there being any question of love between them drew
them together: nobody entertained the faintest suspicion of their
relationship to each other, and they met without emotion, without fear
and without desire. Yet little by little desire crept into that love of
theirs, chaste and pure as a pool of still water beneath a wall that
suddenly crumbles and falls in ruins.
All these things passed through his mind as he probed deep into his
conscience and found the truth. He knew that from the first glance he
had desired the woman, from the first glance he had possessed her in
his heart, and all the rest had been only self-deception whereby he had
sought to justify himself in his own eyes.
Thus it was, and he was forced to acknowledge the truth. Thus it was,
because it is man’s nature to suffer, to love, to find his mate and
have her and to suffer again; to do good and receive it, to do evil
and receive it, this is the life of man. Yet all his reflections lifted
not one iota of the anguish that weighed upon his heart; and now he
comprehended the true meaning of that anguish: it was the bitterness of
death, for to renounce love and the possession of Agnes was to renounce
life itself. Then his thoughts went further: “Was not even this vain
and futile? When the momentary pleasure of love is past, the spirit
resumes mastery over itself, and, with a more intense longing for
solitude than before, it takes refuge again within its prison-house,
the mortal body that clothes it. Why, therefore, should he be made
unhappy by this loneliness? Had he not accepted and endured it for so
many years, all the best years of his life? Even supposing he could
really escape with Agnes and marry her, would he not always be alone
within himself just the same...?”
Yet the mere fact of pronouncing her name, the bare idea of the
possibility of living with her, made him spring up in a fever of
excitement. In imagination again he saw her stretched beside him, in
imagination he held out his arms to draw her close to him, slender
and supple as a reed in the stream; he whispered sweet words into the
little hollow behind her ear, covered his face with her loosened hair,
warm and scented like the flowers of the wild saffron. And biting hard
into his pillow, he repeated to her all the Song of Songs, and when
this was ended he told her he would come back to her the next day, that
he was glad to grieve his mother and his God, glad that he had sworn an
oath and given himself over to remorse, to superstition and to fear,
for now he could break loose from everything and return to her.