_Question._ What is the chief object you wish to attain during the
Vacation?
_Answer._ To have the best time possible under the most favourable
conditions.
_Q._ Is the comfort of your relations and friends to be taken into
serious account in attaining this desirable end?
_A._ Certainly not; the details to which you refer are unworthy of a
moment's consideration.
_Q._ Have you any objection to upsetting all the household
arrangements on your arrival?
_A._ Unquestionably no. If a morning performance commences at an hour
early enough to require luncheon to be discussed at 12:30, why the
_déjeuner à la fourchette_ (as the French would say) must be
partaken within half-an-hour of noon. In like manner, if an evening
representation begins at seven, the dinner-hour must be put back to
half-past five.
_Q._ If these alterations cause any disturbance of your father's
habits, how would you deal with the matter?
_A._ I would not deal with the matter at all. I would leave all purely
necessary explanations to my mother.
_Q._ During the time of your vacation will you approve of any
dinner-parties?
_A._ I have a rooted objection to such entertainments when the guests
are of my parents' selection. However, I have no objection to a few
fellows, say, like SMITH Major, or BROWN Minor, dropping in to supper
on a Sunday.
_Q._ Assuming that the hour you mention is your parents' favourite
time for peace and quiet, does such an invasion suggest any
reflection?
_A._ No. If my parents have become slow during my enforced absence
from home in the search of knowledge, it is time they should have the
benefit accruing from contact with my revivifying characteristics.
_Q._ Supposing your father expostulates with you, and advances
the fact that you have received greater advantages than he himself
enjoyed--for instance, that you have been to Eton--what should you
reply?
_A._ Practically nothing. However, in the cause of justice and truth,
it might be advisable to answer his statement of fact that "he had
never been to Eton" with the reply, "Anyone could see that."
_Q._ If he complains that you do not rise until eleven, smoke
cigarettes in the dining-room before lunch, smash the grand piano in
the drawing-room, lame his favourite cob in the Row, and upset all his
documents in the study, what answer would you make?
_A._ That you were not responsible for the training which he had taken
under his personal control. He must be satisfied with the broad result
of your bringing-up.
_Q._ If he declares his intention of addressing the Superintendent of
your scholastic career on the matter, what would you do?
_A._ Explain that your present position in the school, to which you
supposed you would have to reluctantly return, was lacking in the
element of popularity, and that any further move in the direction
of increased reduction in that element might possibly lead to your
expulsion. Deprecate personal objection to expulsion, but suggest
that such a course might, by preventing your getting employment in the
Church, Army, or Bar, lead to your being on your parents' hands for
life.
_Q._ When the time has all but arrived for your return to school, what
should you do?
_A._ Promptly catch the whooping-cough, the influenza, or measles. You
will then afford a sufficient reason for extending the length of your
vacation indefinitely.
* * * * *
[Illustration: A TERRIBLE TURK.
_Little Spinks._ "AH! ONCE I WAS AS INNOCENT AS A LITTLE CHILD! WHAT I
AM _NOW_, YOUR SEX HAS MADE ME!"]
* * * * *