* * * * *
[Illustration: A LESSON IN ALTRUISM.
ALWAYS BE KIND TO DUMB ANIMALS--THEIR LIVES ARE SHORT, AND SHOULD
BE MADE HAPPY AND AS COMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE--EVEN AT THE COST OF A
LITTLE TEMPORARY DISCOMFORT TO YOURSELF.]
* * * * *
BACK TO SCHOOL; OR, DOCTOR BLIMBER-GLADSTONE AND HIS "LIT-TLE
FRIENDS."
(_Dombeyish Fragments, with a smack of "The Mikado."_)
Whenever a young gentleman was taken in hand by Dr. BLIMBER-GLADSTONE,
he might consider himself sure of a pretty tight squeeze. The Doctor
only undertook the charge of a limited number of young gentlemen at a
time, but he had always ready a supply of "cram" for a hundred, on the
lowest estimate; and it was at once the business and delight of
his life to gorge "his young friends," few or many, to their utmost
capacity, and sometimes beyond it.
In fact, Dr. GLADSTONE'S establishment was a great Hothouse, in which
there was a forcing apparatus incessantly at work. All the boys blew
before their time--or so said the Doctor's rivals and foes. Mental
Green Peas were produced in February, and intellectual Scarlet-Runners
in March. Mathematical Great Gooseberries were common at untimely
seasons, other than the appropriate Silly one.
This was all very pleasant and ingenious, but the system of forcing
was attended with its usual disadvantage. There was sometimes not the
right taste about the premature productions, and they didn't always
keep well.
The Doctor's was a mighty fine House, fronting the river. Not always a
joyful style of House within; sometimes quite the contrary. The seats
were in rows, like figures in a sum. The sitters also were often in
rows--with a slight (phonetic) difference. The House was well provided
with Hot Water, on the "constant-supply" system. But somehow this
seemed rather to conduce to discomfort than to real cleanliness,--like
the too frequent and tumultuous "turning-outs" of an over-zealous
housewife. A "Spring Clean," at St. Stephen's School, was a thing
to remember, and shudder at. It was not a quiet House at the best of
times. It seemed ever haunted by the Banshee of Noise, and disturbed
by the cacophonous ghosts of dead Echoes. At the peacefulest periods
it was pervaded by a baneful Spook called the "Party Spirit," and
always by the dull booings of unwilling young gentlemen at their
lessons, like the raucous murmurings of an assemblage of melancholy
rooks, or of kites and crows cawing and screaming in the intervals of
their clamorous scufflings.
* * * * *
Holidays? Oh dear yes! If there was one thing Doctor GLADSTONE'S
"young friends" _did_ care for, it was Holidays! The Doctor himself
seemed as though he could--and were it possible--would do without
them. But the Doctor's "lit-tle friends," however docile, could never
be brought to see _that_. They did not usually commence their Spring
"term" until February. And they were rips, even rampant, for a long
"Recess" at Easter. When the Doctor, using his well-beloved formula,
said, "Gentlemen, we will resume our studies upon----" they hung
upon his words, and, if the conclusion of his formula showed any
disposition to cut the Holidays short, they howled loudly in chorus,
like hungry wolves disappointed of their quarry.
* * * * *
It was a sight to see Doctor GLADSTONE'S little friends returning to
School _after_ the Easter Vacation. The Doctor, looking complacently
expansive, cheerily anticipative, welcomed them on the doorstep.
_They_ did not welcome _him_. Oh, dear no! Look at them; the five
senior pupils in front, headed, of course, by that overgrown and
somewhat ungainly Irish boy, Master PATRICK GREEN, cock of the School,
and prime favourite of Doctor GLADSTONE! Can you not fancy them
singing--after a famous original--the following quintett?
_The Five._ Five little boys for school are we,
Back from a very short ho-li-dee;
All as reluctant as well can be,--
Five little boys for School!
_Master Green._ Holiday's over, there's no more fun! [_Groans._
_Master Hodge._ Only just started! Wish I was done! [_Snivels._
_Master Bung._ As for _me_, wish I'd never _begun_! [_Howls._
_The Five._ Five little boys for School!
_All_ (_shrinking_). Five little boys who, all unwary,
Entered old GLADSTONE'S big seminary,
Slaves to his Genius tutelary----
_The Five_ (_suddenly demure, on catching sight of the Doctor_)--
Five little boys "back to School!.!"
* * * * *
[Illustration: BACK TO SCHOOL; OR, DR. GLADSTONE AND HIS YOUNG
FRIENDS.]
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