SCENE--_Prince's Hall, Piccadilly. Among the Audience are_--A London
Aunt, _and her_ Eldest Daughter, _with a_ Cousin from the Country,
_who is just a little difficult to amuse; a_ Serious-minded Lady _from
Brixton, with a more frivolous_ Friend; _a pair of_ Fiancés; _and
an_ Unsophisticated Father, _with an_ Up-to-date little Daughter.
_An exhibition of "Pure Sleight-of-Hand" has just been given on the
Stage._
_The Serious Lady._ Clever? Yes, my dear, it is _clever_ enough,
if that's all; but I never can quite reconcile _my_ conscience
to encouraging a fellow-creature to make a living by deliberate
deception!
_Her Friend._ Oh, I don't see any harm in conjuring, myself.
_The S. L._ I can't forget that Pharaoh had his Sorcerers and
Magicians, and how _they_ acted!
_Her Friend._ Ah, I never saw _them_.
_The London Aunt_ (_to her_ Niece). Enjoying it, SOPHY? Such a _treat_
for you, to see really good conjuring!
_Sophy._ Yes, Aunt, thank you. But our new Curate did that trick with
_two_ rabbits at the last Penny Readings we had!
[_A calico screen is brought forward on which the Entertainer throws
various shadows with his hands._
_The S. L._ Is that a little house at the corner? Oh, he doesn't do
_that_ with his hands--then I see no merit in it. Who's that? (_A
small male shadow, cast by the performer's right hand, crosses the
screen, and knocks timidly at the door, which is opened by the
left hand, in the character of a little Lady. The couple embrace
effusively, and retire inside._) Ah, that's the husband coming home!
[_Another male shadow enters and knocks furiously, while the little
Lady reconnoitres cautiously from the window above._
_Her Friend._ I expect _that_ must be the husband.
_The S. L._ What?--and the wife behaving like that in his absence! If
I thought _that_ was the---- (_The first male shadow comes out, and
fights the second, who retreats, worsted._) I never saw anything so
scandalous. How you can call yourself consistent, and sit there and
_laugh_ at such things----!
_Her Friend_ (_apologetically_). I can't help laughing--and, after
all, perhaps they're only rival lovers, or he's her _father_, or
something.
_The S. L._ And she inviting one to come into the house in that bold
way--a nice example for young persons! Look there, he's come back with
a flageolet, and she's actually poured a jug of water on his head
out of the window! "Only a pair of hands," did you say? So it _may_
be--but we all know _who_ it is that "Finds some mischief still For
idle hands to do"--and there we have an illustration of it, my dear.
[_She shakes herself down in her sealskins with virtuous disapproval._
_The Unsophisticated Father_ (_who has been roaring with laughter_).
Capital! It is amazingly clever, 'pon my word! Can't imagine how they
do these things--can _you_, VIVVIE? [_To Up-to-Date Child._
_Miss Vivien._ Oh, well I've seen so much conjuring at parties, you
know, Father, that I don't notice it particularly,--but it's nice to
see _you_ so amused!
_The U. F._ I'm _young_, you see, VIVVIE; but I hope you're not bored?
MISS V. No, I'm not _bored_--only I thought there'd be some Serpentine
dancing, and more of the _Music Hall_ about it.
_The U. F._ Music Hall! Why, what do _you_ know about Music Halls, eh?
_Miss V._ (_with calm superiority_). Several of their songs--if you
call _that_ anything.
_The U. F._ I should be inclined to call it a good deal too much!
_Miss V._ (_compassionately_). Would you? Poor dear Father! But you
never _were_ very modern, were you?
[_A Blind-folded Lady on the Stage has been reading and adding up
figures on a black board, and now offers to tell the day of the week
of any person's birth in the audience._
_Her Colleague._ Will some gentleman kindly oblige me with the date of
his birth?
_The Fiancée._ Now, JACK, tell yours. I _want_ you to.
_Jack_ (_in an unnaturally gruff voice_). Fourteenth of February,
eighteen-sixty-nine!
_The Blindfolded Lady_ (_with the air of the Delphic Pythia_).
Yes--_that_ fell upon a Monday. [_Applause._
_Her Coll._ Is that correct, Sir?
_Jack._ Don't know.
[_He reddens, and tries to look unconscious._
_Her Coll._ Now I will ask the Lady if she can mention some event of
importance that took place on the same date.
_The Bl. L._ Let me think. Yes. (_Solemnly._) On the same
date, in the year seventeen-hundred-and-thirty-seven, goloshes were
first invented! [_Loud applause._
_Miss V._ (_as the pair retire_). Well, thank goodness, we've seen the
last of that beastly black-board. I didn't come here to add up sums.
What is it next? Oh, a "Farmyard Imitator." I expect that will be
rather rot, Father, don't you?
[_Enter a Gentleman in evening dress who gives realistic imitations of
various live-stock._
_The Country Cousin._ That's _exactly_ the way our little Berkshire
pig grunts, and "Sweetlips" calls her calf just like that--and, oh,
KATIE, I _wonder_ if he could have heard our Dorkings clucking at
home--I think he _must_ have--he does it so exactly the same!
_Katie._ Then you do think _that's_ clever, SOPHY?
_Sophy._ Oh, well--for an _imitation_, you know!
[_A "Sensational Cage Mystery" is introduced; a pretty child is shut
up in a cage, which is opened a moment after, and found to contain a
Negro who capers out, grinning._
_The London Aunt._ SOPHY, do you see that?--there's a black man there
now, instead!
_Sophy_ (_without enthusiasm_). Yes, Aunt, I see, thank you.
_Katie._ Don't you _like_ it, SOPHY?
_Sophy._ I don't see why it need have been a _Nigger_!
_The S. L._ (_after a "Humorous Musical Sketch" by a clever and,
charming young Lady_). Like _that_, my dear?--a Young Woman giving a
description of how she actually went on the Stage, and imitating men
in that way! It was as much as _I_ could do to sit still in my seat!
_Her Friend._ I must say I thought it was very amusing.
_The S. L._ Amusing? I daresay. But, to my mind, young girls have no
_business_ to be amusing, and take off other people. I've no opinion
of such ways myself. I don't know what my dear Mother would have done
if _I'd_ ever been amusing--she would have broken her heart, I do
believe!
_The Friend_ (_to herself_). She wouldn't have split her sides, that's
very certain!
[_A_ Lady Physiognomist _appears in cap and gown, and invites
a subject to step upon the stage, and have his or her character
revealed._
_Jack_ (_to his Fiancée_). No, I say--but look here, FLOSSIE, _really_
I'd rather not--with all these people looking!
_Flossie._ Then I shall think you've something to _conceal_, JACK--you
wouldn't like me to feel that _already_, would you?
[Illustration: "He blinks and smiles in feeble confusion."]
[JACK, _resignedly, mounts the platform, and occupies a chair, in
which he blinks and smiles in feeble confusion, while the_ Professor
_studies his features dispassionately._
_The Lady Phys._ The first thing to notice is the disposition of
the ears. Now here we have a Gentleman whose ears stick out in a very
remarkable manner. [_Delight of Audience._
_Flossie_ (_to herself_). They _do_--awfully! I never noticed it
before. But it really rather suits him; at least---- [_She meditates._
_The L. Ph._ This denotes an original and inquiring mind; this
gentleman takes nothing on trust--likes to see everything for himself;
he observes a good deal more than he ever says anything about. His
nose is wide at the tip, showing a trustful and confiding disposition;
it has a bump in the centre, denoting a moderate amount of
combativeness. The nostrils indicate a keen sense of humour. (_Here_
JACK _giggles bashfully._) There is a twist in the upper lip,
which indicates--well, I won't say that he would actually tell an
_untruth_--but if he had the opportunity for doing so, he has the
capacity for taking advantage of it. I think that is all I have to say
about this Gentleman.
_Flossie_ (_to_ JACK, _after he has returned to her side_). JACK, if
you can't leave off having an original and inquiring mind, you must at
least promise me _one_ thing--it's very little to ask!
_Jack._ You know I'd do any blessed thing in the world for you
FLOSSIE,--what is it?
_Flossie._ Only to wear an elastic round your ears at night, JACK!
_The Unsophisticated Father_ (_at the conclusion of the exhibition,
as the Missing Lady disappears with a bang, in full view of the
Audience_). There, VIVVIE; she's vanished clean away. What do you say
to that, eh?
_Vivien_ (_composedly_). Well, I think we may as well vanish too
Father. It's all over!
_The S. L._ (_going out_). I don't wish to judge _others_--far from
it--but, speaking for myself, ELIZA, I _cannot_ feel this has been
a profitable method of employing precious moments which can never be
recalled.
_Her Friend._ Oh, it's quite early. You'll have plenty of time to get
a cup of tea, and do some shopping before it's dark.
_The S. L._ (_severely_). That was not precisely what I _meant_,
ELIZA!
[_But it is precisely what she does._
* * * * *