FLEACATCHER.--Yes, the trout in the river Itching (this is the only
correct spelling) are red, and, before they are boiled, raw. The best
method of catching them is to tickle them. When you have hooked an
Itching trout, you first scratch him, and then cook him.
NOVICE.--We only knew one man who could make a decent rod, and he died
twenty years ago. Remember the old adage so dear to IZAAK, _Qui parcit
virgæ spoliat puerum_. For instructions as to use of implement, and
translation of Latin, apply to any head-master. Failure in the latter
will inevitably lead to application of the former. Then pause for
reflection, but _don't sit down_.
SPOOK.--What on earth is the use of applying to us about a phantom?
We never keep one on the premises. Try personal interview with W. T.
STEAD, who has a fine selection, JULIA being specially effective. Why
do you ask if we generally spin? Not having been born a top, we prefer
walking.
CONTEMPLATIVE.--(1) It's absolutely useless offering us these paltry
inducements to betray the secrets of our skill. We are--we hope we may
say it without undue pride--an All-Round Angler, and we are not going
to be squared by a bait of that kind. (2) We have never pretended we
were a salmon. If ANDREW LANG says we have, we challenge him to repeat
it to our face before witnesses. (3) Whitebait are no longer kept in
the Round Pond at Kensington. We knew as many as four there ten years
ago.
CALIPEE.--You are quite right. When a ship turns turtle the fact is
instantly communicated to the Lord Mayor and Aldermen of the City of
London. They proceed to the spot in the _Maria Wood_, and the one
who secures the interesting saurian is allowed to eat all the green
fat. With you we hope devoutly that the time is far distant when the
desecrating hand of a Socialistic Government will be allowed to lay a
finger on these ancient civic customs. No. The Fishmongers' Company do
not sell fish. Their motto is, _Edo, non vendo_.
* * * * *
ACTON EST.--_The Cornhill Magazine_ for this month has an interesting
article on "Actors and Actresses in Westminster Abbey," not seen there
much when alive, but there for good after their decease. It is stated
of Mrs. BARRY that she was not interred in the Abbey, as has been,
it appears, generally supposed, but found her resting-place at Acton.
Odd, that when she had ceased to act, she should be sent to Act-on!
* * * * *
[Illustration: "TAKE CARE OF THE PENCE, AND THE POUNDS," &c.
_Muriel._ "MAMMA, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THE CARRIAGE OUT FOR SO LATE?
WHERE _ARE_ YOU GOING?"
_Mrs. Goldie._ "NOW, MURIEL, YOU KNOW HOW YOUR FATHER KEEPS WORRYING
ABOUT EXTRAVAGANCE, AND OF COURSE I MUST SET AN EXAMPLE. SO I'M GOING
TO THE PUBLIC LIBRARY TO SEE THE EVENING PAPER!"]
* * * * *
THE CRY OF THE CUE-IST. (_To the Champion, by a Discouraged
Competitor._)
Break, break, break,
On the smooth green board, O JOHN!
And I would civil words could utter
My thoughts, as the game goes on!
O well for the three-figure runs
You have made since we opened play!
O ill for my nine thousand start,
Which you're lessening day by day!
And the marvellous shots go on
To your score, which is mounting still!
But O for a touch of that wondrous hand,
And a slice of that startling skill!
Break, break, break!
_There's_ a shot! Great Scott! O, see!
What tender grace! And if once ahead
You will never "come back" to me!
* * * * *
"EPSOM SPRING MEETING."--In former times this used to be a
fashionable rendezvous for invalids who went there to drink
the beneficial waters of the Epsom Spring. Now there is not
much water taken at these Spring Meetings; and what water is
taken is not "an unmixed good."
* * * * *
A LESSON IN "BOOK-KEEPING."--Never lend one.
* * * * *