On one of these mornings the Colonel came to her almost stealthily, with
a very soft step, while she was in the drawing-room alone. Joyce had no
book that morning, and was more in despair than ever for something to
do. She was kneeling in front of one of the pretty pieces of Indian
work, copying the pattern on a sheet of paper. When she heard her
father’s step, she started as if found out in some act of guilt, grew
very red, and dropped her pencil out of her trembling hand.
‘I beg your pardon,’ she said involuntarily. ‘I--had nothing to do. It
is a wonderful pattern. I thought I should like to copy it----’
‘Surely, my dear--and very prettily you have done it too; but you must
try to recollect that everything is yours, and that you have no need to
ask pardon. I want you to come with me into my library. I believe you
have never seen my library, Joyce.’
No, she had not been able to take the freedom either of a child of the
house or of an ordinary visitor. She was afraid to go anywhere beyond
the ordinary thoroughfare, from dining-room to drawing-room. ‘I saw an
open door,’ she said, ‘and some books.’
‘But you did not come in? Come now. I have something to say to you.’
There was a look in the old soldier’s eye of unlawful pleasure, a
gratification enhanced by the danger of being found out, and perhaps
suffering for it. He led Joyce away with the glee of a truant schoolboy.
‘My wife is busy,’ he said, with an air of innocent hypocrisy. ‘She
can’t want either of us for the moment. Come in, come in. And, my dear,’
he said, putting again his caressing hand upon his daughter’s shoulder,
‘remember, that when I am not in the garden, I’m here: and when you have
anything to say to your father, I’m always ready--always ready. I hope
you will learn--to take your father into your confidence, Joyce.’
She did not make any reply; her head drooped, and her voice was choked.
He was so kind--and yet confidence was so hard a thing to give.
‘That reminds me,’ he said, still more gently, ‘that I don’t think you
ever call me father, Joyce.’
‘Oh,’ she said, not daring to lift her eyes, ‘but I think it--in my
heart.’
‘You must say it--with your lips, my dear; and you must not be afraid of
the people who are nearest to you in the world. You must have confidence
in us, Joyce. And now look here, my little girl; I have something to
give you--not any pretty thing for a present,’ said the Colonel, sitting
down before his desk and pulling out a drawer, ‘but something we can’t
get on without. I got it for you in this form that you might use it as
you please; remember it is not for clothes but only for your own
pleasure, to do what you like with.’ He held out to her, with the most
fatherly kind smile, four crisp and clean five-pound notes. Joyce looked
at them bewildered, not knowing what they were, and then gave a choking
cry, and drew back, covering her face with her hands.
‘Money!’ she cried, and a pang of mortification went through her like
the sharp stab of a knife.
‘Well, my dear, you must have money, and who should give it you but your
father? Joyce! why, this is worse and worse.’ The Colonel grew angry in
his complete bewilderment, and the disagreeable sensation of kindness
refused. ‘What can you mean?’ he cried; ‘am I to have nothing to do with
you though you are my daughter?’ He got up from his chair impatiently.
‘I thought you would like it to be between ourselves. I made a little
secret of it, thinking to please you. No; I confess that I don’t
understand you, Joyce: if Elizabeth were here, I should tell her so.’ He
flung down the notes upon his table, where they lay fluttering in the
morning breeze that came in at the open window. ‘She must do what she
can, for I don’t pretend to be able to do anything,’ the Colonel cried.
Joyce stood before him, collecting herself, calming down her own
excitement as best she could. She said to herself that he was quite
right--that it would have to be--that she had no independent life or
plan of her own any more--that she must accept everything from her
father’s hands. What right had she either to refuse or to resent? How
foolish it was, how miserable, ungenerous of her, not to be able to
take! Must it not sometimes be more gracious, more sweet to take, to
receive, than to give? And yet to accept this from one who was almost a
stranger though her father, seemed impossible, and made her whole
being, body and soul, quiver with that sensation of the intolerable in
which there is neither rhyme nor reason. Though she was so young, she
had provided for her own necessities for years. They were very few, and
her little salary was very small; but she had done it, giving rather
than getting--for naturally there was nothing to spare from Peter
Matheson’s ploughman’s wages. She stood shrinking a little from her
father’s displeasure--so unused to anything of the kind!--but with all
these thoughts sweeping through the mind, which was only a girl’s mind,
in many ways wayward and fantastic, but yet at bottom a clear spirit,
candid and reasonable. This would have to be. She must accept the money,
she who had been so independent. She must learn how to live, that
tremendous lesson, in the manner possible to her, not in her own way.
Once more she thought of her mother obeying her foolish impulse, flying
from her troubles--only to fall fatally under them, and to leave their
heritage to her daughter. It did not require a moment to bring all these
reflections in a flood through her mind, nor even to touch her with the
thought of her father’s little tender artifice, and of how he had
calculated no doubt that she would have presents to send, help to
offer--or, at least, pleasure to bestow. Perhaps her imagination put
thoughts even more delicate and kind into the Colonel’s mind than those
which were there--which was saying much. She recovered her voice with a
great effort.
‘Father----’ she said, then paused again, struggling with something in
her throat,-- ‘I hope you will forgive me. I--never took money--from any
one--before----’
‘You never had your father before to give it you, Joyce.’ A little word
calmed down the Colonel’s superficial resentment. It did more, it went
straight to his heart. He came up to her and put his arm round her. ‘My
child,’ he said, in the words of the parable, ’"all that I have is
thine.” You forget that.’
‘Father, if I could only feel that _you_ were mine. It is all wrong--all
wrong!’ cried Joyce. ‘It is like what the Bible says; I want to be born
again.’
The Colonel did not know what to say to this, which seemed to him almost
profane; but he did better than speaking--he held her close to him, and
patted her shoulder softly with his large tender hand.
‘And I will, I will,’ said Joyce, with a Scotch confusion of tenses, ‘if
you will have a little patience with me. It cannot come all in a moment;
but I will, I will.’
‘We’ll all have patience,’ said the Colonel, stooping over her, feeling
in his general weakness, and with even a passing sigh for Elizabeth
going through his mind, that it was sweet to have the positions reversed
sometimes, and to feel somebody depend upon him, and appeal to his
superior wisdom.
At this moment Mrs. Hayward opened the door of her husband’s room
quickly, coming in with natural freedom. She stopped ’as if she had been
shot’ when she saw this group--Joyce sheltered in her father’s arm,
leaning against him. She made a rapid exclamation, ‘Oh!’ and turning as
quickly as she had come, closed the door after her with a quick clear
sound which said more than words. She did not slam it--far from that.
She would not have done such a thing, neither for her own sake, nor out
of regard for what the servants would say: but she shut it sharply,
distinctly, with a punctuation which was more emphatic than any full
stop could be.
In the afternoon there were callers, and Joyce became aware, for the
first time, of the social difficulties of her position. She heard the
words, ‘brought up by relations in Scotland,’ as she went through the
drawing-room to the verandah where the visitors were sitting with Mrs.
Hayward. Joyce did not apply the words to herself, but she perceived a
little stir of interest when she appeared timidly at the glass door. The
lady was a little woman, precise and neat, with an indescribable air of
modest importance, yet insignificance, which Joyce learned afterwards to
understand, and the gentleman was in a long black coat, with a soft felt
hat in his hands. Eyes more instructed would have divined the clergyman
and clergywoman of the district, not rector and rectoress, but simple
incumbents. They rose up to meet her, and shook hands in a marked way,
as ‘taking an interest’ in a new member of their little cure; but Joyce,
unaccustomed, did not understand the meaning of this warmth. It
disconcerted her a little, and so did the conversation into which Mr.
Sitwell at once began to draw her, while his wife conversed in a lower
tone with the lady of the house. He talked to her of the river and
boating, of which she knew nothing, and then of lawn-tennis, to which
her response was not more warm. The good clergyman thought that perhaps
the game had not penetrated to the wilds of Scotland, and changed the
subject.
‘We are going to have our children’s treat next week,’ he said. ‘It
would be very kind of you to come and help my wife, who has everything
to manage. Our district is but a new one--we have not much aid as yet.
Do you take any interest in schools, Miss Hayward?’
‘Oh yes, a great interest,’ cried Joyce, lighting up, ‘that is just
my----’ she was going to say profession, having a high opinion of the
dignity of her former office: but before the word was said she caught a
warning glance from Mrs. Hayward--‘it is what I care most for in the
world,’ she said, with a sudden blush of shame to feel herself stopped
in that avowal of enthusiasm for the work itself.
‘Indeed!’ cried the clergyman. ‘Do you hear, Dora? here is a help for
you. Miss Hayward says that schools are what she cares most for in the
world.’
‘Joyce says a little more than she means,’ said Mrs. Hayward quickly.
‘Young ladies have a way of being enthusiastic.’
‘Don’t damp it, please!’ cried Mrs. Sitwell, clasping her hands;
‘enthusiasm is so beautiful in young people: and there is so little of
it. Oh, how delighted I shall be to have your help! The district is so
new--as my husband would tell you.’
‘Of course I have enlisted Miss Hayward at once,’ cried he. ‘She is
going to help at the school feast.’
‘Oh, thank you, THANK you,’ cried the clergyman’s wife, with devotion,
once more clasping her hands.
Mrs. Hayward’s voice was more dry than ever--there was a sharp ring in
it, which Joyce had begun to know. ‘You must let her give you an answer
later,’ she said. ‘She doesn’t know her engagements yet. We have several
things to do. When must I send in the cakes, Mrs. Sitwell? We always
calculate, you know, on helping in that way.’
‘You are always so kind, dear Mrs. Hayward, _so_ kind! How can we ever
thank you enough!’ said the clergywoman. ‘Always kind,’ her husband
echoed, with an impressive shake of Mrs. Hayward’s hand, and afterwards
of Joyce’s, who was confused by so much feeling. Her step-mother was
drier still as they went away.
‘I must ask you, just at first, to make no engagements without
consulting me,’ she said very rigidly. ‘You cannot know--at first--what
it is best for your own interests to do.’
Should she say that she had made no engagements, and wished for none? It
is hard not to defend one’s self when one is blamed. But Joyce took the
wiser way, and assented without explanations. She had scarcely time to
do more when other people came--people more important, as was at once
evident--a large lady in black satin and lace, a younger, slimmer one in
white. They filled the verandah, which was not very broad, with the
sweep of their draperies. They both gave a little glance of surprise
when Miss Hayward was presented to them, and the elder lady permitted
herself an ‘Oh----!’ She retired to the end of the verandah, where Mrs.
Hayward had installed herself. ‘I never knew before that you had a
grown-up daughter. I always thought, indeed, that there were no----’
‘My husband’s daughter by his first marriage,’ said Mrs. Hayward. ‘She
has never lived at home. In India, you know, children can never be kept
with their parents.’
‘It is a dreadful drawback. I am so glad my girls will have nothing to
say to Indian men.’
The lady in white had begun to talk to Joyce, but the girl’s ears were
intent on the other conversation which she felt to concern herself. She
made vague replies, not knowing what she said, the two voices in the
distance drawing all her attention from the one more near.
‘So she had to be left with relations--quite old-fashioned people--and
she is very simple, and knows very little of the world.’
‘The less the better,’ said the visitor, whose name Joyce had not
caught; and then there was a pause, and the young lady’s voice became
more audible, close to her ear.
‘Brought up in Scotland? Oh, I hope you are not one of the learned
ladies. Don’t they go in tremendously for education in Scotland?’ her
visitor said.
‘They say our Scotch schools are the best,’ said Joyce sedately, with a
mixture of national and professional pride.
‘Oh yes, so everybody says; you are taught everything. I know Scotland a
little: everybody goes there in the autumn, don’t you know? I wonder if
I have been in your part of the country? Papa has a moor whenever he can
afford it. And we have quantities of Scotch cousins all over the place.’
‘It was near Edinburgh,’ said Joyce, with a little hesitation.
‘Yes? I have been at several places near Edinburgh,’ said the young
lady. ‘Craigmoor where the Sinclairs live, for one. They are relations
of ours. And there is another house, a very nice house close by,
Bellendean. I suppose you know the Bellendeans.’
The colour rushed over Joyce’s face. She remembered her difficulties no
more. The very sound of the name filled her with pleasure and
encouragement.
‘Bellendean!’ she said; ‘oh, indeed, I know Bellendean! I know it better
than any place in the world. And I know the lady--oh, better than any
one. And would it be Miss Greta that was your cousin----?’ Joyce’s
countenance shone. She forgot all about those bewildering explanations
which she had overheard: and about herself, whose presence had to be
accounted for. For a moment her natural ease and unconsciousness came
back, and she felt herself Joyce again.
Mrs. Hayward rose suddenly from her chair. She, too, had been listening,
through her own conversation, to the other voices. She made a step
forward-- ‘So you know the Bellendeans,’ she said, with an agitated
smile. ‘We have just been staying there, and can give you the latest
news of them. What a small world it is, as everybody says! I only heard
of them for the first time when we went to fetch Joyce: and now I find
my nearest neighbours know all about them! Joyce, will you ask if Baker
is bringing tea?’
Lady St. Clair and her daughter gave each other a glance of mutual
inquiry. And Joyce, as she obeyed, with a curious pang of wonder and
pleasure and annoyance, heard the discussion begin, the interchange of
questions mingled with remarks about her friends, the names so dear to
her passing from mouth to mouth. She was sent away who knew all about
them, while her stepmother, who knew so little, talked, adopting an air
of familiarity. Why was she sent away? Then she remembered suddenly on
what a humble footing she could alone claim knowledge of the
Bellendeans, and divined with a shock of sudden pain that it was to stop
any revelations on that subject that she had been despatched on this
unnecessary errand. Joyce paused in the luxurious room, which seemed
somehow to absorb all the air and leave none to breathe. Oh for the
freedom of Bellendean, where everybody knew who she was and thought no
harm! Oh for the little cottage, where there were no pretences! The
great and the small were easy, they understood each other; but this
middle country, all full of reserves and assumptions which lay between,
how was an ignorant creature to learn how to live in it, to avoid the
snares and keep clear of the pitfalls, not to contradict or expose the
falsehoods, and yet to be herself true?
Mrs. Hayward, on her side, sitting painfully talking as if she knew all
about these people, whom she thought she hated, so much were they
involved with this painful episode of her life, was no more happy than
Joyce. To think that her neighbours, the best people about, those whose
friendship was most desirable, should be mixed up with the Bellendeans,
who knew everything! So that now her skilful little romance must fall to
the ground, and all the story be fully known.