WANTED, BY AN INCORRIGIBLE LITTLE BOY, whose Parents have threatened
to send him away from home on account of his perpetually insufferable
conduct, a suitable domicile, where he will be afforded every facility
for continuing it without hindrance and interruption. A quiet old
country clergyman, and his wife, both a little short-sighted, and hard
of hearing, occupying a retired Vicarage, that is in want of a little
waking up, might write. House must be conveniently arranged for the
setting of booby-traps, possess a good old-fashioned striking-clock,
with accessible inside, a get-at-able upstairs' cistern, a
dinner-gong, and plenty of bells. Bedroom might be furnished with
a view to an occasional display of fireworks. Staircase with good
top-to-bottom slide-down balusters indispensable. Would be glad to
hear if there is a powerful garden-engine, in good working-order,
on the premises; and also whether there is a decent sweetstuff and
gunpowder-shop within easy distance. Apply by letter to "TARTAR,"
Scarum Hall, Flingover, Notts.
***
THE PRINCIPAL OF A YOUNG GENTLEMAN'S ACADEMY, who has, in turns, been
a Stock-jobber, a Solicitor struck off the Rolls, a Light Comedian, an
Undertaker, a Professor of Calisthenics, and a Hansom-cab Driver, and
has now taken to the Education of Youth as a last resource to make
ends meet, is anxious to hear from a sufficient number of dupes, in
the shape of parsimonious Parents, to enable him to start his scheme,
and see whether he can make anything out of it. They must be fools
enough to believe that a thoroughly high-class, commercial, and
classical education, including instruction in five modern languages,
fitting the recipients for immediate entry into either the Church,
the Army, or the Bar can be furnished, together with the use of an
extensive swimming bath and gymnasium, and an unlimited supply of the
very best diet, without any charge for washing, books, or extras,
for twenty guineas per annum. The fact that a retired waiter from a
Boulogne Restaurant takes charge of the Modern Languages, while the
Higher Mathematics and swimming are entrusted to a late Custom House
Officer, and the Classical and other Departments, are under the
immediate supervision of the Principal, may be taken as a guarantee
that the advertised curriculum is scrupulously and efficiently carried
out. Apply for further Particulars to "PRINCIPAL," Uncertificated
Tutors Association, S.E.
***
WANTED, BY THE PROPRIETOR OF A PATENT MEDICINE, a nervous and
confiding Client who after reading a whole newspaper advertising
column of diseases, and persuading himself that he is afflicted with
most of them, will believe that by an outlay of 1s. 11/2d., he can
entirely cure himself of the whole lot of them on the spot. He must
not be disheartened if the first trial produces no effect. On the
contrary, if the nostrum appears to develop fresh and disagreeable
symptoms, he must manfully persevere, and face in turn neuralgia,
rheumatic gout, fever, lumbago, sciatica, incipient paralysis, and
even greater complications, rather than relinquish the remedy when he
has once had recourse to it. In this way, it is obvious, he will not
only be able to afford a permanent support to the sale of a dangerous
and deleterious compound, but will, by its continual use, effectually
and completely succeed in ultimately shattering his own constitution.
Apply, "PROPRIETOR," Jollop's Specific Restorator, Patent Medicine
Works, Pill Hill, N.E.
***
WANTED, A QUITE INEXPERIENCED HORSEMAN, to purchase, on the
recommendation of a tricky Job Master, a thoroughly unsound and
spavined Bay Cob that will be represented as having been "parted with"
by its late owner, "a sporting Duke," for "no fault whatever." The
creature, however, that is short in the wind, swollen at the hocks,
an ugly stepper, and has not a single good point about it, having
recently, when in the funeral business, kicked in a hearse, it has
been decided to palm it off on the first unsuspecting purchaser that
turns up as "quiet to ride" and going "nicely in harness," and it may
confidently be relied upon to throw an unskilful or aged rider, or
smash up a brougham at the very earliest opportunity. As it has also,
at a previous period in its career, served as a trick horse at a
Circus, and will, on meeting a German band, sit down on its haunches,
it might be safely secured by any equestrian to whom some astonishment
and a little music mingled with his morning's ride might prove a
pleasing experience. Can be seen at GULLY'S Stables, Blinder Street,
S.W.
***
A FEW THOROUGHLY UNSUSPECTING TENANTS wanted by a Jerry Builder, who
has just run up a terrace of new houses anyhow, and is anxious to see
if anybody can manage to live in them. None of the doors shut, all the
windows let in draughts, and there are practically no drains. As the
walls are one brick thick, and the playing of a piano can be heard
through six houses, neighbours of a conversational turn might find a
residence in them advantageous. Warranted to come down with a run in a
high wind. Apply, "Builder," Dustbin Terrace, Killingham Road, E.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.
_Guest._ "WELL, GOOD-BYE, OLD MAN!--AND YOU'VE REALLY GOT A VERY NICE
LITTLE PLACE HERE!"
_Host._ "YES; BUT IT'S RATHER BARE, JUST NOW. I HOPE THE TREES WILL
HAVE GROWN A GOOD BIT BEFORE YOU'RE BACK, OLD MAN!"]
* * * * *