When you respond to an advertisement offering a booklet or a sample
free, you are pestered by the proprietor of the commodity advertised
with numerous communications importuning your custom, until in sheer
self-defence you make a purchase. Now I had occasion to answer an
announcement advertising for the services of a person with attainments
approximating to my own, decided that, in the event of my application
attracting no response, I would adopt the methods indicated above. For
the benefit of others I give below a record of my procedure and the
result.
My first letter detailed my qualifications, which were very
exceptional; explained that my intelligence and industry were far
above the average; that I was morbidly conscientious, and willing to
sacrifice all my own interests for the needs of the firm; that
the reason for leaving my last position was solely a matter of
circumstances over which I had no control, and that at an interview,
which I craved, I would explain everything to everybody's satisfaction
and prove my perfect eligibility for the post. And so forth.
I waited a fortnight. There was no reply. I therefore despatched a
follow-up letter. I explained my regret at receiving no response to
letter No. 1, and suggested that perhaps it had been inadvertently
overlooked, or had gone astray in transit. Alternatively I hinted that
perhaps the firm regarded the list of my qualifications as incredibly
pretentious, and I assured them that it in no way exaggerated my good
points. I had indeed become, if possible, even more conscientious and
industrious since I had last written, and having recovered from a cold
in the head from which I was then suffering I was actually in better
physical condition than before. I reminded the firm that in granting
me a preliminary interview they incurred no liability whatsoever.
Another two weeks went by, and still no answer. So I despatched
Follow-up Letter No. 2.
This briefly referred to my two previous communications, and asked
whether it was not clear to them that, by securing my services while I
was in possession of all my faculties and the full vigour and strength
of my being, there were advantages they could not possibly acquire
with me in, say, another thirty years, when I should probably be
suffering from rheumatism, chronic dyspepsia, deafness, dim sight,
loss of memory and certainly from approaching old age. I concluded by
offering them three days' free trial (I always do best in the first
three days); if I failed to give satisfaction by the end of that
period they could return me without incurring any obligation
whatsoever.
Again two weeks passed away, and there was still no answer. So I sent
Follow-up Letter No. 3.
In this I announced a Special Offer, viz., a reduction of twenty
pounds sterling (£20) on the salary originally asked if the firm
engaged me within ten days from the date of the offer.
I gave them twelve days in which to respond, but still received no
answer, so, after allowing a further two days' grace, I despatched
Follow-up Letter No. 4, stating that as they had evidently been
prevented from replying to my special offer I had decided to extend
the period for acceptance by fourteen (14) days, reckoning from the
date of the present communication. At the end of that period the
salary demanded would be increased by ten pounds (£10) over and above
that asked in my _first_ application. Thus, by accepting the existing
offer of twenty pounds (£20) reduction, they would really be securing
me at thirty pounds (£30) less than my market price.
I waited patiently for a further fourteen days, and then sent
Follow-up Letter No. 5.
This letter was quite brief. It made no attempt to disguise the fact
that I was hurt at the firm's silence, and it hinted at enquiries from
other employers of labour whose needs would have to be considered.
It intimated also that I could not possibly hold myself at the firm's
disposal indefinitely, and that unless a prompt reply was received
I could not guarantee acceptance. By way of a crushing suggestion of
niggardliness on their part I enclosed a stamped addressed envelope.