Head Quarters, New Windsor, February 18, 1781.
My Dear Sir:
Since I had the pleasure of writing you last, an unexpected change
has taken place in my situation. I am no longer a member of the
General’s family. This information will surprise you, and the manner
of the change will surprise you more. Two days ago, the General and
I passed each other on the stairs. He told me he wanted to speak to
me. I answered that I would wait upon him immediately. I went below,
and delivered Mr. Tilghman a letter to be sent to the commissary,
containing an order of a pressing and interesting nature.
Returning to the General, I was stopped on the way by the Marquis de
La Fayette, and we conversed together about a minute on a matter of
business. He can testify how impatient I was to get back, and that
I left him in a manner which, but for our intimacy, would have been
more than abrupt. Instead of finding the General, as is usual, in his
room, I met him at the head of the stairs, where, accosting me in an
angry tone, “Colonel Hamilton,” said he, “you have kept me waiting
at the head of the stairs these ten minutes. I must tell you, sir,
you treat me with disrespect.” I replied, without petulancy, but with
decision, “I am not conscious of it, sir; but since you have thought
it necessary to tell me so, we part.” “Very well, sir,” said he, “if
it be your choice,” or something to this effect, and we separated.
I sincerely believe my absence, which gave so much umbrage, did
not last two minutes. In less than an hour after, Tilghman came to
me in the General’s name, assuring me of his great confidence in my
abilities, integrity, usefulness, etc.; and of his desire, in a candid
conversation, to heal a difference which could not have happened but in
a moment of passion. I requested Mr. Tilghman to tell him--1st. That I
had taken my resolution in a manner not to be revoked. 2d. That, as a
conversation could serve no other purpose than to produce explanations,
mutually disagreeable, though I certainly would not refuse an interview
if he desired it, yet I would be happy if he would permit me to decline
it. 3d. That though determined to leave the family, the same principles
which had kept me so long in it, would continue to direct my conduct
towards him when out of it. 4th. That, however, I did not wish to
distress him, or the public business, by quitting him before he could
derive other assistance by the return of some of the gentlemen who were
absent. 5th. And that, in the mean time, it depended on him, to let
our behavior to each other be the same as if nothing had happened. He
consented to decline the conversation, and thanked me for my offer of
continuing my aid in the manner I had mentioned.
I have given you so particular a detail of our difference, from the
desire I have to justify myself in your opinion. Perhaps you may think
I was precipitate in rejecting the overture made by the General to an
accommodation. I must assure you, my dear sir, it was not the effect of
resentment: it was the deliberate result of maxims I had long formed
for the government of my own conduct.
I always disliked the office of an aid-de-camp, as having in it a
kind of personal dependence. I refused to serve in this capacity with
two Major-Generals, at an early period of the war. Infected, however,
with the enthusiasm of the times, an idea of the General’s character
overcame my scruples, and induced me to accept his invitation to enter
into his family * * *. It has been often with great difficulty that I
have prevailed upon myself not to renounce it; but while, from motives
of public utility, I was doing violence to my feelings, I was always
determined, if there should ever happen a breach between us, never to
consent to an accommodation. I was persuaded, that when once that nice
barrier, which marked the boundaries of what we owed to each other,
should be thrown down, it might be propped again, but could never be
restored.
The General is a very honest man. His competitors have slender
abilities, and less integrity. His popularity has often been essential
to the safety of America, and is still of great importance to it. These
considerations have influenced my past conduct respecting him, and will
influence my future. I think it is necessary he should be supported.
His estimation in your mind, whatever may be its amount, I am persuaded
has been formed on principles, which a circumstance like this cannot
materially effect: but if I thought it could diminish your friendship
for him, I should almost forego the motives that urge me to justify
myself to you. I wish what I have said, to make no other impression
than to satisfy you I have not been in the wrong. It is also said in
confidence, as a public knowledge of the breach would, in many ways,
have an ill effect. It will probably be the policy of both sides to
conceal it, and cover the separation with some plausible pretext. I am
importuned by such of my friends as are privy to the affair, to listen
to a reconciliation; but my resolution is unalterable.
As I cannot think of quitting the army during the war, I have a project
of re-entering into the artillery, by taking Lieutenant-Colonel
Forrest’s place, who is desirous of retiring on half-pay. I have not,
however, made up my mind upon this head, as I should be obliged to come
in the youngest Lieutenant-Colonel instead of the eldest, which I ought
to have been by natural succession, had I remained in the corps; and,
at the same time, to resume studies relative to the profession, which,
to avoid inferiority, must be laborious.
If a handsome command in the campaign in the light infantry should
offer itself, I shall balance between this and the artillery. My
situation in the latter would be more solid and permanent; but as I
hope the war will not last long enough to make it progressive, this
consideration has the less force. A command for the campaign, would
leave me the winter to prosecute studies relative to my future career
in life * * *. I have written to you on this subject with all the
freedom and confidence to which you have a right, and with an assurance
of the interest you take in all that concerns me.
Very sincerely and affectionately,
I am, dear Sir,
Your most obedient servant,
A. Hamilton.
General Schuyler.