SCENE XXII.--_At the Supper-table in the Housekeeper's Room._ Mrs.
POMFRET _and_ TREDWELL _are at the head and foot of the table
respectively_. UNDERSHELL _is between_ Mrs. POMFRET _and_ Miss
PHILLIPSON. _The Steward's Room Boy waits._
_Tredwell._ I don't see Mr. ADAMS here this evening, Mrs. POMFRET.
What's the reason of that?
_Mrs. Pomfret._ Why, he asked to be excused to-night, Mr. TREDWELL. You
see some of the visitors' coachmen are putting up their horses here, and
he's helping Mr. CHECKLEY entertain them. (_To_ UNDERSHELL.) Mr. ADAMS
is our Stud-Groom, and him and Mr. CHECKLEY, the 'ed coachman, are very
friendly just now. ADAMS is very clever with his horses, I believe, and
I'm sure he'd have liked a talk with you; it's a pity he's engaged
elsewhere this evening.
_Undershell (mystified)._ I--I'm exceedingly sorry to have missed him,
Ma'am. (_To himself._) Is the Stud-Groom _literary_, I wonder?... Ah,
no, I remember now; I allowed Miss PHILLIPSON to conclude that my tastes
were equestrian. Perhaps it's just as well the Stud-Groom _isn't_ here!
_Mrs. Pomfr._ Well, he _may_ drop in later on. I shouldn't be surprised
if you and he had met before.
_Und. (to himself). I_ should. (_Aloud._) I hardly think it's
probable.
_Mrs. Pomfr._ I've known stranger things than _that_ happen. Why, only
the other day, a gentleman came into this very room, as it might be
yourself, and it struck me he was looking very hard at me, and by-and-by
he says, "You don't recollect _me_, Ma'am, but I know _you_ very well,"
says he. So I said to him, "You certainly have the advantage of me at
present, Sir." "Well, Ma'am," he says, "many years ago I had the honour
and privilege of being Steward's Room Boy in a house where you was
Stillroom Maid; and I consider I owe the position I have since attained
entirely to the good advice you used to give me, as I've never forgot
it, Ma'am," says he. Then it flashed across me who it was--"Mr.
POCKLINGTON!!!" says I. Which it _were_. And him own man to the Duke of
DUMBLESHIRE! Which was what made it so very nice and 'andsome of him to
remember me all that time.
_Und. (perfunctorily)._ It must have been most gratifying, Ma'am. (_To
himself._) I hope this old lady hasn't any more anecdotes of this highly
interesting nature. I mustn't neglect Miss PHILLIPSON--especially as I
haven't very long to stay here.
[_He consults his watch stealthily._
_Miss Phillipson (observing the action)._ I'm sorry you find it so slow
here; it's not very polite of you to show it quite so openly though, I
must say.
[_She pouts._
_Und. (to himself)._ I can't let this poor girl think me a brute! But I
must be careful not to go too far. (_To her, in an undertone which he
tries to render unemotional._) Don't misunderstand me like that. If I
looked at my watch, it was merely to count the minutes that are left. In
one short half hour I must go--I must pass out of your life, and you
must forget--oh, it will be easy for _you_--but for _me_, ah! you cannot
think that I shall carry away a heart entirely unscathed. Believe me I
shall always look back gratefully, regretfully, on----
_Phill. (bending her head with a gratified little giggle)._ I declare
you're beginning all that _again_. I never _did_ see such a cure as you
are.
_Und. (to himself, displeased)._ I wish she could bring herself to take
me a little more seriously. I can _not_ consider it a compliment to be
called a "cure"--whatever that is.
_Steptoe (considering it time to interfere)._ Come, Mr. UNDERSHELL all
this whispering reelly is not fair on the company! You mustn't hide your
bushel under a napkin like this; don't reserve _all_ your sparklers for
Miss PHILLIPSON there.
_Und. (stiffly)._ I--ah--was not making any remark that could be
described as a sparkler, Sir. I _don't_ sparkle.
_Phill. (demurely)._ He was being rather sentimental just then, Mr.
STEPTOE, as it happens. Not that he can't sparkle, when he likes. I'm
sure if you'd heard how he went on in the fly!
_Steptoe (with malice)._ Not having been privileged to be present,
perhaps our friend here could recollect a few of the best and repeat
them.
_Miss Dolman._ Do, Mr. UNDERSHELL, please. I do _love_ a good laugh.
_Und. (crimson)._ I--you really must excuse me. I said nothing worth
repeating. I don't remember that I was particularly----
_Stept._ Pardon me. Afraid I was indiscreet. We must spare Miss
PHILLIPSON'S blushes by all manner of means.
_Phill._ Oh, it was nothing of _that_ sort, Mr. STEPTOE! _I_'ve no
objection to repeat what he said. He called me a little green something
or other. No; he said _that_ in the train, though. But he would have it
that the old cab-horse was a magic steed, and the fly an enchanted
chariot; and I don't know what all. (_As nobody smiles._) It sounded
awfully funny as _he_ said it, with his face perfectly solemn like it is
now, I assure you it did!
_Stept. (patronisingly)._ I can readily believe it. We shall have you
contributing to some of our yumerous periodicals, Mr. UNDERSHELL, Sir,
before long. Such facetious talent is too good to be lost, it
reelly is.
_Und. (to himself, writhing)._ I gave her credit for more sense. To make
me publicly ridiculous like this!
[_He sulks._
_Miss Stickler_ (_to_ M. RIDEVOS, _who suddenly rises_). MOSSOO, you're
not _going_! Why, whatever's the matter?
_M. Ridevos._ Pairmeet zat I make my depart. I am cot at ze art.
[_General outcry and sensation._
_Mrs. Pomfr. (concerned)._ You never mean that, Mossoo? And a nice dish
of quails just put on, too, that they haven't even touched upstairs!
_M. Rid._ It is for zat I do not remmain! Zey 'ave not toch him; my
pyramide, result of a genius stupend, énorme! to zem he is nossing; zey
retturn him to crash me! To-morrow I demmand zat Miladi accept my
demission. _Ici je souffre trop!_
[_He leaves the room precipitately._
_Miss Stick. (offering to rise)._ It _does_ seem to have upset him!
Shall I go after him and see if I can't bring him round?
_Mrs. Pomfr. (severely)._ Stay where you are, HARRIET; he's better left
to himself. If he wasn't so wropped up in his cookery, he'd know there's
always a dish as goes the round untasted, without why or wherefore. I've
no _patience_ with the man!
_Tred. (philosophically)._ That's the worst of 'aving to do with
Frenchmen; they're so apt to beyave with a sutting childishness
that--(_checking himself_)--I really ask your pardon, Mamsell, I quite
forgot you was of his nationality; though it ain't to be wondered at,
I'm sure, for you might pass for an Englishwoman almost anywhere!
_Mlle. Chiffon._ As you for Frenchman, _hein_?
_Tred._ No, 'ang it _all_, Mamsell, I 'ope there's no danger o' _that_!
(_To_ Miss PHILLIPSON.) Delighted to see the Countess keeps as fit as
ever, Miss PHILLIPSON! Wonderful woman for her time o' life! Law, she
_did_ give the Bishop beans at dinner, and no mistake!
_Phill._ Her ladyship is pretty generous with them to most people, Mr.
TREDWELL. I'm sure I'd have left her long ago, if it wasn't for Lady
MAISIE--who _is_ a lady, if you like!
_Tred._ She don't favour her ma, I will say _that_ for her. By the way,
who is the party they brought down with them? a youngish looking
chap--seemed a bit out of his helement, when he first come in, though
he's soon got over that, judging by the way him and your Lady RHODA,
Miss DOLMAN, was 'obnobbing together at table!
_Phill._ Nobody came down with _my_ ladies; they must have met him in
the bus, I expect. What is his name?
_Tred._ Why, he give it to me, I know, when I enounced him; but it's
gone clean out of my head again. He's got the Verney Chamber, I know
_that_ much; but what _was_ his name again? I shall forget my own next.
_Und. (involuntarily)._ In the Verney Chamber? Then the name must be
SPURRELL!
_Phill. (starting)._ SPURRELL! Why, _I_ used to---- But of course it
can't be _him_!
_Tred._ SPURRELL _was_ the name, though. (_With a resentful glare at_
UNDERSHELL.) I don't know how _you_ came to be aware of it, Sir!
_Und._ Why, the fact is, I happened to find out that--(_here he receives
an admonitory drive in the back from the_ Boy)--that his name _was_
SPURRELL. (_To himself._) I wish this infernal Boy wouldn't be so
officious; but perhaps he's right!
_Tred._ Ho, indeed! Well, _another_ time, Mr. HUNDERSHELL, if you
require information about parties staying with Us, p'r'aps you'll be
good enough to apply to me personally, instead of picking it up in some
'ole and corner fashion. (UNDERSHELL _controls his indignation with
difficulty_.) To return to the individual in question, Miss PHILLIPSON,
I should have said myself he was something in the artistic or littery
way; he suttingly didn't give me the impression of being a Gentleman.
_Phill. (to herself, relieved)._ Then it _isn't_ my JEM! I might have
known he wouldn't be visiting here, and carrying on with Lady RHODAS.
He'd never forget himself like that--if he _has_ forgotten me!
_Stept._ It strikes me he's more of a sporting character, TREDWELL. I
know when I was circulating with the cigarettes, and so on, in the hall
just now, he was telling the Captain some anecdote about an old
steeplechaser that was faked up to win a Selling Handicap, and it
tickled me to that extent I could hardly hold the spirit-lamp steady!
_Tred._ I may be mistook, STEPTOE. All _I_ can say is, that when me and
JAMES was serving cawfy to the ladies in the drawing-room, some of them
had got 'old of a little pink book all sprinkled over with silver
cutlets, and, rightly _or_ wrongly, I took it to 'ave some connection
with 'im.
_Und. (excitedly)._ Pink and silver! Might I ask--was it a volume of
poetry, called--er--_Andromeda_?
_Tred. (crushingly)._ That I did not take the liberty of inquiring, Sir,
as you might be aware if you was a little more familiar with the
hetiquette of good Serciety.
[UNDERSHELL _collapses_; Mr. ADAMS _enters, and steps into the
chair vacated by the Chef, next to_ Mrs. POMFRET, _with whom he
converses_.
_Und. (to himself)._ To think that they may be discussing my book in the
drawing-room at this very moment, while I--I---- (_He chokes._) Ah, it
won't bear thinking of! I must--I _will_ get out of this cursed place! I
have stood this too long as it is! But I won't go till I have seen this
fellow SPURRELL, and made him give me back my things. What's the
time?... ten! I can go at last. (_He rises._) Mrs. POMFRET, will you
kindly excuse me? I--I find I must go at once.
_Mrs. Pomfr._ Well, Mr. UNDERSHELL, Sir, you're the best judge; and, if
you really can't stop, this is Mr. ADAMS, who'll take you round to the
stables himself, and do anything that's necessary. Won't you, Mr. ADAMS?
_Adams._ So you're off to-night, Sir, are you? Well, I'd rather ha'
shown you _Deerfoot_ by daylight, myself; but there, I dessay that won't
make much difference to _you_, so long as you _do_ see the 'orse?
_Und. (to himself)._ So _Deerfoot's_ a _horse_! One of the features of
Wyvern, I suppose; they seem very anxious I shouldn't miss it. _I_ don't
want to see the beast; but I daresay it won't take many minutes; and, if
I don't humour this man, I shan't get a conveyance to go away in!
(_Aloud._) No difference whatever--to _me_. I shall be delighted to be
shown _Deerfoot_; only I really can't wait _much_ longer; I--I've an
appointment elsewhere!
_Adams._ Right, Sir; you get your 'at and coat, and come along with me,
and you shall see him at once.
[UNDERSHELL _takes a hasty farewell of_ Miss PHILLIPSON _and the
company generally--none of whom attempts to detain him--and follows
his guide_. _As the door closes upon them, he hears a burst of
stifled merriment, amidst which_ Miss PHILLIPSON'S _laughter is
only too painfully recognisable_.
[Illustration: "He suttingly didn't give me the impression of being a
Gentleman."]
* * * * *