THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE.--The sole Lessee and Manager begs to
inform his patrons, the public, that he has left no stone unturned to
render it by a long way.
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THE SAFEST THEATRE IN THE TWO HEMISPHERES. The mere perusal of the
advertisements appearing in the daily press, furnishing the intending
audience with a complete handbook of escape in the event of any sudden
catastrophe, must, he feels, afford them.
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REAL PLEASURE, which, owing to the precautionary measures he has taken
for their protection, they may genuinely experience when securing their
places for a performance in the unique fireproof auditorium.
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THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE EXITS.--A hop, skip and a jump will take
any member of the audience from any part of the house directly into the
street outside in five seconds.
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THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE has all its doors taken off their hinges
the moment the performance commences.
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THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE possesses concrete Stalls.
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THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE, has its private boxes constructed with
perforated shower-bath ceilings that drench the occupants without
ceasing the entire evening.
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THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE.--An "Apprehensive Playgoer"
writes:--"We were in one continual downpour from the rising of the
Curtain to its fall; and though we are all still suffering from
rheumatism, our party was enabled, with the aid of umbrellas and
waterproofs, to enjoy the evening's entertainment with a sense of
security that was as novel as it was refreshing."
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THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE.--The Management provides everyone
paying at the doors with a Fire-Escape, that can be left outside, and a
Life Assurance Policy, available for the duration of the evening's
entertainment.
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THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE has, in every gangway, a steam
fire-engine served by a fully-equipped complement of members of the
London Fire Brigade, who inspire the audience with confidence by, from
time to time, playing on portions of them with a five-inch hose.
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THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE.--People recommended a cold _douche_ by
their medical adviser, cannot do better than secure a front seat in the
upper boxes.
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THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE is provided with cast-iron scenery, and
has, as its Stage Manager, a retired Fire-King.
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THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE is surrounded by a network of balconies,
affording access, by iron staircases, to the roofs of all the adjacent
houses in the neighbourhood.
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THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE has in effect no walls, and is
practically all "Exit."
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THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE can be virtually emptied before a
checktaker could say "Jack Robinson!"
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THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE.--A "NERVOUS FIRST-NIGHTER" writes:
"Being seized the other evening in the middle of the front row of the
stalls with a purely private and personal, but uncontrollable panic, I
rushed from my place, and made with all the haste I could command for
the street. Though, in my hurry I found it necessary to have a couple of
vigorous fights of several rounds each with two box-keepers in
succession, which resulted in my being eventually removed from the
house, struggling with three policemen, six refreshment-stall-keepers,
and nine firemen, it only took me twenty-seven minutes and a half from
the time I started from my place inside till I found myself deposited in
the midst of a jeering crowd on the steps of the principal entrance."
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THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE will set up chronic lumbago in the Dress
Circle.
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THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE is the dampest Public Lounge in Europe.
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THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE may be visited freely by
pleasure-seekers, in whom, as Members of Burial Clubs, their families
take a lively interest.
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