Their way at every step or plunge grew more noisome and more
horrible--the paths more narrow and more intricate. Huge stones and
beams falling momentarily from the decaying roofs above them, gave
evidence, by their sullen and heavy descent, of the vast height of the
surrounding buildings, while actual exertion became necessary to force
a passage through frequent heaps of putrid human corpses.
Suddenly, as the seamen stumbled against the entrance of a gigantic
and ghastly-looking building, a yell more than usually shrill from the
throat of the excited Legs, was replied to from within in a rapid
succession of wild, laughter-like, and fiendish shrieks.
Nothing daunted at sounds which, of such a nature, at such a time, and
in such a place, might have curdled the very blood in hearts less
irrecoverably on fire, the drunken couple burst open the pannels of
the door, and staggered into the midst of things with a volley of
curses. It is not to be supposed however, that the scene which here
presented itself to the eyes of the gallant Legs and worthy Tarpaulin,
produced at first sight any other effect upon their illuminated
faculties than an overwhelming sensation of stupid astonishment.
The room within which they found themselves, proved to be the shop of
an undertaker--but an open trap-door in a corner of the floor near the
entrance, looked down upon a long range of wine-cellars, whose depths
the occasional sounds of bursting bottles proclaimed to be well stored
with their appropriate contents. In the middle of the room stood a
table--in the centre of which again arose a huge tub of what appeared
to be punch. Bottles of various wines and cordials, together with
grotesque jugs, pitchers, and flagons of every shape and quality, were
scattered profusely upon the board. Around it, upon coffin-tressels,
was seated a company of six--this company I will endeavor to delineate
one by one.
Fronting the entrance, and elevated a little above his companions, sat
a personage who appeared to be the president of the table. His stature
was gaunt and tall, and Legs was confounded to behold in him a figure
more emaciated than himself. His face was yellower than the yellowest
saffron--but no feature of his visage, excepting one alone, was
sufficiently marked to merit a particular description. This one
consisted in a forehead so unusually and hideously lofty, as to have
the appearance of a bonnet or crown of flesh superseded upon the
natural head. His mouth was puckered and dimpled into a singular
expression of ghastly affability, and his eyes, as indeed the eyes of
all at table, were glazed over with the fumes of intoxication.
This gentleman was clothed from head to foot in a richly embroidered
black silk-velvet pall wrapped negligently around his form after the
fashion of a Spanish cloak. His head was stuck all full of tall, sable
hearse-plumes, which he nodded to and fro with a jaunty and knowing
air, and, in his right hand, he held a huge human thigh-bone, with
which he appeared to have been just knocking down some member of the
company for a song.
Opposite him, and with her back to the door, was a lady of no whit the
less extraordinary character. Although quite as tall as the person who
has just been described, she had no right to complain of his unnatural
emaciation. She was evidently in the last stage of a dropsy; and her
figure resembled nearly in outline the shapeless proportions of the
huge puncheon of October beer which stood, with the head driven in,
close by her side, in a corner of the chamber. Her face was
exceedingly round, red, and full--and the same peculiarity, or rather
want of peculiarity, attached itself to her countenance, which I
before mentioned in the case of the president--that is to say, only
one feature of her face was sufficiently distinguished to need a
separate characterization: indeed, the acute Tarpaulin immediately
observed that the same remark might have applied to each individual
person of the party; every one of whom seemed to possess a monopoly of
some particular portion of physiognomy. With the lady in question this
portion proved to be the mouth. Commencing at the right ear, it swept
with a terrific chasm to the left--the short pendants which she wore
in either auricle continually bobbing into the aperture. She made,
however, every exertion to keep her jaws closed and look dignified, in
a dress consisting of a newly starched and ironed shroud coming up
close under her chin, with a crimped ruffle of cambric muslin.
At her right hand sat a diminutive young lady whom she appeared to
patronize. This delicate little creature, in the trembling of her
wasted fingers, in the livid hue of her lips, and in the slight hectic
spot which tinged her otherwise leaden complexion, gave evident
indications of a galloping consumption.
An air of extreme _haut ton_, however, pervaded her whole
appearance--she wore in a graceful and _degagé_ manner, a large and
beautiful winding-sheet of the finest India lawn--her hair hung in
ringlets over her neck--a soft smile played about her mouth--but her
nose, extremely long, thin, sinuous, flexible, and pimpled, hung down
far below her under lip, and, in spite of the delicate manner in which
she now and then moved it to one side or the other with her tongue,
gave an expression rather doubtful to her countenance.
Over against her, and upon the left of the dropsical lady, was seated
a little puffy, wheezing, and gouty old man, whose cheeks hung down
upon the shoulders of their owner, like two huge bladders of Oporto
wine. With his arms folded, and with one bandaged leg cocked up
against the table, he seemed to think himself entitled to some
consideration.
He evidently prided himself much upon every inch of his personal
appearance, but took more especial delight in calling attention to his
gaudy colored surcoat. This, to say the truth, must have cost no
little money, and was made to fit him exceedingly well--being
fashioned from one of the curiously embroidered silken covers
appertaining to those glorious escutcheons which, in England and
elsewhere, are customarily hung up in some conspicuous place upon the
dwellings of departed aristocracy.
Next to him, and at the right hand of the president, was a gentleman
in long white hose and cotton drawers. His frame shook in a ludicrous
manner, with a fit of what Tarpaulin called "the horrors." His jaws,
which had been newly shaved, were tightly tied up by a bandage of
muslin; and his arms being fastened in a similar way at the wrists,
prevented him from helping himself too freely to the liquors upon the
table; a precaution rendered necessary, in the opinion of Legs, by the
peculiarly sottish and wine-bibbing cast of his visage. A pair of
prodigious ears, nevertheless, which it was no doubt found impossible
to confine, towered away into the atmosphere of the apartment, and
were occasionally pricked up, or depressed, as the sounds of bursting
bottles increased, or died away, in the cellars underneath.
Fronting him, sixthly and lastly, was situated a singularly
stiff-looking personage, who, being afflicted with paralysis, must, to
speak seriously, have felt very ill at ease in his unaccommodating
habiliments. He was habited, somewhat uniquely, in a new and handsome
mahogany coffin.
The top or head-piece of the coffin pressed upon the scull of the
wearer, and extended over it in the fashion of a hood, giving to the
entire face an air of indescribable interest. Arm-holes had been cut
in the sides, for the sake not more of elegance than of
convenience--but the dress, nevertheless, prevented its proprietor
from sitting as erect as his associates; and as he lay reclining
against his tressel, at an angle of forty-five degrees, a pair of huge
goggle eyes rolled up their awful whites towards the ceiling in
absolute amazement at their own enormity.
Before each of the party lay a portion of a scull which was used as a
drinking cup. Overhead was suspended an enormous human skeleton, by
means of a rope tied round one of the legs and fastened to a ring in
the ceiling. The other limb, confined by no such fetter, stuck off
from the body at right angles, causing the whole loose and rattling
frame to dangle and twirl about in a singular manner, at the caprice
of every occasional puff of wind which found its way into the
apartment. In the cranium of this hideous thing lay a quantity of
ignited and glowing charcoal, which threw a fitful but vivid light
over the entire scene; while coffins, and other wares appertaining to
the shop of an undertaker, were piled high up around the room, and
against the windows, preventing any straggling ray from escaping into
the street.
It has been before hinted that at sight of this extraordinary
assembly, and of their still more extraordinary paraphernalia, our two
seamen did not conduct themselves with that proper degree of decorum
which might have been expected. Legs, having leant himself back
against the wall, near which he happened to be standing, dropped his
lower jaw still lower than usual, and spread open his eyes to their
fullest extent: while Hugh Tarpaulin, stooping down so as to bring his
nose upon a level with the table, and spreading out a palm upon either
knee, burst into a long, loud, and obstreperous roar of very ill-timed
and immoderate laughter.
Without, however, taking offence at behavior so excessively rude, the
tall president smiled very graciously upon the intruders--nodded to
them in a dignified manner with his head of sable plumes--and,
arising, took each by an arm, and led him to a seat which some others
of the company had placed in the meantime for his accommodation. Legs
to all this offered not the slightest resistance, but sat down as he
was directed--while the gallant Hugh removing his coffin-tressel from
its station near the head of the table, to the vicinity of the little
consumptive lady in the winding-sheet, plumped down by her side in
high glee, and, pouring out a scull of red wine, drank it off to their
better acquaintance. But at this presumption the stiff gentleman in
the coffin seemed exceedingly nettled, and serious consequences might
have ensued, had not the president, rapping upon the table with his
truncheon, diverted the attention of all present to the following
speech:
"It becomes our duty upon the present happy occasion"----
"Avast there!"--interrupted Legs looking very serious--"avast there a
bit, I say, and tell us who the devil ye all are, and what business ye
have here rigged off like the foul fiends, and swilling the snug 'blue
ruin' stowed away for the winter by my honest shipmate Will Wimble the
undertaker!"
At this unpardonable piece of ill-breeding, all the original company
half started to their feet, and uttered the same rapid succession of
wild fiendish shrieks which had before caught the attention of the
seamen. The president, however, was the first to recover his
composure, and at length, turning to Legs with great dignity,
recommenced.
"Most willingly will we gratify any reasonable curiosity on the part
of guests so illustrious, unbidden though they be. Know then that in
these dominions I am monarch, and here rule with undivided empire
under the title of 'King Pest the First.'
"This apartment which you no doubt profanely suppose to be the shop of
Will Wimble the undertaker--a man whom we know not, and whose plebeian
appellation has never before this night thwarted our royal ears--this
apartment, I say, is the Dais-Chamber of our Palace, devoted to the
councils of our kingdom, and to other sacred and lofty purposes.
"The noble lady who sits opposite is Queen Pest, and our Serene
Consort. The other exalted personages whom you behold are all of our
family, and wear the insignia of the blood royal under the respective
titles of 'His Grace the Arch Duke Pest-Iferous'--'His Grace the Duke
Pest-Ilential'--'His Grace the Duke Tem-Pest'--and 'Her Serene
Highness the Arch Duchess Ana-Pest.'
"As regards"--continued he--"your demand of the business upon which we
sit here in council, we might be pardoned for replying that it
concerns and concerns _alone_ our own private and regal interest, and
is in no manner important to any other than ourself. But in
consideration of those rights to which as guests and strangers you may
feel yourselves entitled, we will furthermore explain that we are here
this night, prepared by deep research and accurate investigation, to
examine, analyze, and thoroughly determine the indefinable spirit--the
incomprehensible qualities and nare of those inestimable treasures of
the palate, the wines, ales, and liqueurs of this goodly Metropolis:
by so doing to advance not more our own designs than the true welfare
of that unearthly sovereign whose reign is over us all--whose
dominions are unlimited--and whose name is 'Death.'"
"Whose name is Davy Jones!"--ejaculated Tarpaulin, helping the lady by
his side to a scull of liqueur, and pouring out a second for himself.
"Profane varlet!"--said the president, now turning his attention to
the worthy Hugh--"profane and execrable wretch!--we have said, that in
consideration of those rights which, even in thy filthy person, we
feel no inclination to violate, we have condescended to make reply to
your rude and unseasonable inquiries. We, nevertheless, for your
unhallowed intrusion upon our councils, believe it our duty to mulct
you and your companion in each a gallon of Black Strap--having drank
which to the prosperity of our kingdom--at a single draught--and upon
your bended knees--you shall be forthwith free either to proceed upon
your way, or remain and be admitted to the privileges of our table
according to your respective and individual pleasures."
"It would be a matter of utter impossibility"--replied Legs, whom the
assumptions and dignity of King Pest the First had evidently inspired
with some feelings of respect, and who arose and studied himself by
the table as he spoke--"it would, please your majesty, be a matter of
utter impossibility to stow away in my hold even one-fourth of that
same liquor which your majesty has just mentioned. To say nothing of
the stuffs placed on board in the forenoon by way of ballast, and not
to mention the various ales and liqueurs shipped this evening at
different sea-ports, I am, at present, full up to the throat of
'humming-stuff' taken in and duly paid for at the sign of the 'Jolly
Tar.' You will, therefore, please your majesty, be so good as take the
will for the deed--for by no manner of means either can I or will I
swallow another drop--least of all a drop of that villainous
bilge-water that answers to the hail of 'Black Strap.'"
"Belay that!"--interrupted Tarpaulin, astonished not more at the
length of his companion's speech than at the nature of his
refusal--"Belay that you lubber!--and I say, Legs, none of your
palaver! _My_ hull is still light, although I confess you yourself
seem to be a little top-heavy; and as for the matter of your share of
the cargo, why rather than raise a squall I would find stowage-room
for it myself, but"----
"This proceeding"--interposed the president--"is by no means in
accordance with the terms of the mulct or sentence which is in its
nature Median, and not to be altered or recalled. The conditions we
have imposed must be fulfilled to the letter, and that without a
moment's hesitation--in failure of which fulfilment we decree that you
do here be tied neck and heels together, and duly drowned as rebels in
yon hogshead of October beer!"
"A sentence!--a sentence!--a righteous and just sentence!--a glorious
decree!--a most worthy and upright, and holy condemnation!"--shouted
the Pest Family altogether. The king elevated his forehead into
innumerable wrinkles--the gouty little old man puffed like a pair of
bellows--the lady of the winding sheet waved her nose to and fro--the
gentleman in the cotton drawers pricked up his ears--she of the shroud
gasped like a dying fish--and he of the coffin looked stiff and rolled
up his eyes.
"Ugh!--ugh!--ugh!"--chuckled Tarpaulin without heeding the general
excitation--"ugh!--ugh!--ugh!--ugh!--ugh!--ugh!--ugh!--ugh!--ugh!" "I
was saying," said he,--"I was saying when Mr. King Pest poked in his
marling-spike, that as for the matter of two or three gallons more or
less Black Strap, it was a trifle to a tight sea-boat like myself not
overstowed--but when it comes to drinking the health of the
Devil--whom God assoilzie--and going down upon my marrow bones to his
ill-favored majesty there, whom I know, as well as I know myself to be
a sinner, to be nobody in the whole world but Tim Hurlygurly, the
organ-grinder--why! its quite another guess sort of a thing, and
utterly and altogether past my comprehension."
He was not allowed to finish this speech in tranquillity. At the name
of Tim Hurlygurly the whole Junto leaped from their seats.
"Treason!"--shouted his Serenity King Pest the First.
"Treason!"--said the little man with the gout.
"Treason!"--screamed the Arch Duchess Ana-Pest.
"Treason!"--muttered the gentleman with his jaws tied up.
"Treason!"--growled he of the coffin.
"Treason! treason!"--shrieked her majesty of the mouth; and, seizing
by the hinder part of his breeches the unfortunate Tarpaulin, who had
just commenced pouring out for himself a scull of liqueur, she lifted
him high up into the air, and dropped him without ceremony into the
huge open puncheon of his beloved ale. Bobbing up and down, for a few
seconds, like an apple in a bowl of toddy, he, at length, finally
disappeared amid the whirlpool of foam which, in the already
effervescent liquor, his struggles easily succeeded in creating.
Not tamely however did the tall seaman behold the discomfiture of his
companion. Jostling King Pest through the open trap, the valiant Legs
slammed the door down upon him with an oath, and strode towards the
centre of the room. Here tearing down the huge skeleton which swung
over the table, he laid it about him with so much energy and good
will, that, as the last glimpses of light died away within the
apartment, he succeeded in knocking out the brains of the little
gentleman with the gout. Rushing then with all his force against the
fatal hogshead full of October ale and Hugh Tarpaulin, he rolled it
over and over in an instant. Out burst a deluge of liquor so
fierce--so impetuous--so overwhelming--that the room was flooded from
wall to wall--the loaded table was overturned--the tressels were
thrown upon their backs--the tub of punch into the fire place--and the
ladies into hysterics. Jugs, pitchers, and carboys mingled
promiscuously in the _melée_, and wicker flagons encountered
desperately with bottles of junk. Piles of death-furniture floundered
about. Sculls floated _en masse_--hearse-plumes nodded to
escutcheons--the man with the horrors was drowned upon the spot--the
little stiff gentleman sailed off in his coffin--and the victorious
Legs, seizing by the waist the fat lady in the shroud, scudded out
into the street followed under easy sail, by the redoubted Hugh
Tarpaulin, who, having sneezed three or four times, panted and puffed
after him with the Arch Duchess Ana-Pest.
For the Southern Literary Messenger.
EARLY ADVENTURES.
Dissolve frigus--lignum super focus large reponens.--_Horace_.
Towards the end of a raw and blustering day in October, I was
comfortably seated in my easy chair before a blazing fire, which
diffused a cheerful light and a genial warmth through the apartment.
My feet, cased in morocco slippers, rested on a footstool, whilst I
carelessly sipped a glass of Madeira, supplied from a decanter which
reared its rosy form on a table hard by. To an eye-witness I must have
seemed the picture of comfort and happiness. On turning to help myself
to another glass of the nectar-like fluid that glistened so temptingly
by the ruddy light, my eye caught the gold edge of a note which lay on
the table, half concealed by a book, and which, upon perusal, I
discovered to contain a polite invitation from a wealthy and
fashionable acquaintance to spend the next evening at her house. The
emphatic N. B. "_Mrs. M. would be glad to see her friends in fancy
dresses,_" soon brought to my experienced mind the nature of the
_fête_ to which I had the honor of an invitation. I arose to consult
my prints and books to discover the most appropriate costume wherein
to conceal my noble self. But not being able to suit exactly my
somewhat fastidious taste, I resolved to consult the accomplished,
beautiful, talented, and "last but not least," the wealthy Miss ----,
who performed on the piano like another Handel, and tripped it on the
light fantastic toe, with almost as much ease and grace as the fairy
Taglioni. I had long looked on Miss ---- with affection--or perhaps
love: and I had the vanity to suppose my feelings were reciprocated.
But of the latter surmise I could only judge by "circumstantial
evidence"--for the Cerberus-like vigilance of the matron under whose
protection she lived, (and who had married my father's brother,)
prevented me from forming any correct judgment of the extent of her
affection for me--or if she possessed any, from taking advantage of
it. The old lady (my aunt) who had found the yoke of Hymen not so
easily borne, and who knew by experience the hazard that was to be
encountered in forming matrimonial connexions, zealously opposed the
various attempts I made to win the heart of the mistress of my
adoration. Seeing all my designs frustrated, and my schemes overthrown
by the superior knowledge and oversight of my feminine antagonist, I
resolved, like a prudent general, to "beat a retreat," while it was in
my power to effect one without loss of force or reputation.
Nevertheless, I deemed it not imprudent to make one vigorous effort to
obtain the five thousand dollars a year, along with the person of Miss
----, before I retired from the contest. Fraught with this intention,
I resolved to visit Miss ---- immediately, to consult her about
_something_ beside the _fancy dress_. Having exchanged the gown in
which I had been so luxuriously enveloped, for a dress coat, cut by
the inimitable hands of Nugee, and attired the rest of my person in
the most approved style, I sallied forth to the residence of my
charmer.