_House of Commons, Monday, September 11._--ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS walking
about the Lobby with a new foot-rule obtrusively held in his hand.
Thought at first he was going to probe somebody, after the fashion of
SWIFT MACNEILL, in rare access of ferocity.
"No," he said, when I asked him if that was his business; "we are
presently going to debate question of appointment of Duke of CONNAUGHT
to command at Aldershot. I want to know precisely how far out of
the line of fighting the Duke was at Tel-el-Kebir. You know
CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN'S suave manner. When I put question to him, he'll
say, 'How can I tell the Hon. Member, not having a foot rule in
my pocket.' As soon as he says that, I whip this out; he will sit
confounded, and either we shall get at the truth of a matter with
which country is deeply concerned, or CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN must go.
I have no personal interest in such a contingency. If there were a
vacancy at the War Office, it is, of course, quite possible that Mr.
G. might think of me. I fancy in Committee on the Army Estimates I
have shown I know a thing or two. But that is neither here nor there.
It will be time to decide on the offer when it is made, if indeed
prejudices, from which even Liberal Ministry are not free, do not
stand in the way. At present I want to know, within a foot or two--no
one can say I'm unreasonable--how far off the fighting the Duke
of CONNAUGHT stood, and CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN will have to answer the
question."
[Illustration: A HOUSE OF APOLLO-TICIANS--AS SEEN BY THEMSELVES.]
Turned out that ALPHEUS did not find opportunity of bringing in the
foot measure. DALZIEL raised question Appointment of Royal Duke to
command at Aldershot; a ticklish subject for young Member to take up.
DALZIEL'S manner excellent; gave tone to debate, happily preserved
throughout; several times ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS brought out foot-rule and
shook it at CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN. War Minister, naturally well up
in strategy, had observed precaution of placing on his flank his
Financial Secretary, WOODALL, V.C. If there was any probing to be
done that veteran would receive first onslaught. Thus assured,
CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN made admirable defence of a position held in
advance to be shaky. Came out of Division Lobby with flying colours
and majority of 117.
[Illustration: Alpheus Cleophas's Foot-Rule.]
_Business done._--Army Votes in Committee of Supply.
_House of Lords, Tuesday._--Lords met to-day--at least Lord DENMAN
and the Bishop of ELY did. They, facing each other from either side of
otherwise empty chamber, heard Royal assent given to number of bills,
and House adjourned for seven days. Don't know what we should have
done this week in Lords but for DENMAN. Everyone else gone out of
town. He still treads the burning deck, his plum-hued skull-cap giving
touch of chastened colour to passages leading to and from the House.
Severe taste might object that it is a little painful in conjunction
with the brilliant red of the leather-covered benches. But whoever
responsible for selection of that decoration should have thought
of DENMAN'S skull-cap. He was here yesterday; did quite a lot of
business; moved Second Reading of his Woman's Suffrage Bill.
"My Lords," he said, rising from the seat which the burly figure of
the MARKISS usually fills, "I think there is an opportunity of making
substantial progress with this important measure. If your Lordships
will be so good as to suspend the Standing Orders, as has just been
done in case of Naval Defence Amendment Bill, we could carry the
measure through all the stages before your Lordships rise."
For all answer KENSINGTON, on Woolsack in absence of LORD CHANCELLOR
pacing the battlements of his lordly castle at Deal, put the question
that the Bill be read a second time; declared in same breath
"the Not-Contents have it;" and so DENMAN and his little Bill
contemptuously swept aside.
"I thought better of them, TOBY," he said, when I met him an hour
later still hovering round the closed doors of the House. Over his arm
was his rusty old coat; in one hand a stick; in the other a hat that
had seen silkier days. There was a tear in his eye, and a tremor in
his still musical voice. "It seemed as if a better day had dawned;
and that the House of Lords was about at last to recognise in me the
worthy son of a father once their pride. Last week the change suddenly
came. It was DENMAN this and DENMAN that, and 'we must see what we
can do about your Suffrage Bill.' The MARKISS going to his seat on
Wednesday gave me a friendly nod and smile. Usually he never sees me
except when I get on my legs, when he forthwith moves the Adjournment
of House. As for the Whips, I fancied they must have been looking up
my speeches in _Hansard_, and learned what they had lost by not being
in their place to hear them. 'I trust your lordship is well, and do
not find the electric light too glaring?' 'You must take a place by
the table so that you can hear SALISBURY and ROSEBERY.' 'We shan't
keep you up late on Friday; have arranged to take Division at midnight
so that you may get home in good time. But you'll be there, of
course?'"
[Illustration: "It was Denman this, and Denman that."]
"And were you there?" I asked.
"Of course I was there, and voted in majority against Home-Rule Bill.
Came down yesterday prepared to make most of this new and pleasant
turn. Got up to ask KIMBERLEY question as to whether postponement of
Home-Rule Bill would date from Friday or Saturday. Nice point, you
know. Everything depends upon it. No one had discovered point but
me. Expected Government and House would be grateful. What happened?
KIMBERLEY snubbed me; House sniggered; my Woman's Suffrage Bill,
about which Opposition Whips so anxious last week, treated with
usual contumely. I propose to deal with Coal Strike; they move the
Adjournment, and leave me speechless at the table. Begin to think that
all they wanted was my vote to swell majority against Home-Rule Bill.
A weary world, TOBY. Saddest of all for neglected statesmen in our
gilded Chamber. Should you ever be made a peer take an old man's
advice and do everything you can to obscure your native abilities.
Once you excite the jealousy of men like the MARKISS, and implant in
their bosom suspicion that if they don't look out you may supplant
them, you are lost. Perhaps I made a mistake when I admitted
FARMER-ATKINSON to my councils. You remember him in the other House
as Member for Boston? We had a plan----but no matter. Still, if
FARMER-ATKINSON had led the Commons and I the Lords, you would have
seen something. Perhaps we were too reckless in our open colloguing in
the Lobby. GLADSTONE smelt a rat. SALISBURY saw it moving in the air;
the instincts of self-preservation triumphed over political animosity
and the rivalry of a lifetime. They put their heads together; the
coffers of the secret-service money were depleted; the illimitable
resources of the State were in other ways drawn upon. Where is
FARMER-ATKINSON now? I am left solitary and friendless. For a while
the Unholy Alliance triumphs; but they will find they have not done
with DENMAN yet."
The old gentleman took off his skull-cap; carefully wrapped it up; hid
its plumage in his tail-pocket; and pressing his hat over his brow,
shook his grey head, and walked wearily down the corridor.
_Business done._--House of Lords adjourned for a week.
_Saturday_, 2.40 A.M.--"Who goes home?" I hear the cry resounding
through the Lobby. Well, if no one minds, I think I will. Been here
since half-past three yesterday. For the matter of that, been here
since the 31st of January. Coming down again at noon to sit till
SQUIRE OF MALWOOD can see his prospect clear to bringing about
Adjournment next Saturday.
_Business done._--Mostly all.
* * * * *
Calf-Love.
Calf-love is a passion most people scorn,
Who've loved, and outlived, life and love's young morn;
But there _is_ a calf-love too common by half,
And that's the love of the Golden Calf!
* * * * *
Chary of Charing.
["The occupation for women exclusively is that of
charing."--_Daily Paper._]
Whilst year by year men kinder grow.
And from employments won't debar Woman,
It's quite astonishing to know
Man's everything except a charwoman.
* * * * *