_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
* * * * *
"PAINLESS DENTISTRY."
(_A Story for the Long Vacation._)
[Illustration]
Although professional engagements (not wholly unconnected with
the holding of high judicial office in the Tropics) have recently
prevented me from contributing to the paper which specially represents
Bench and Bar, I have never lost sight of the fact that when I have
a duty to perform, the pages of _Punch_ are open to me. Under these
circumstances I find myself once again writing to the familiar
address, and signing myself, as of yore, with the old name, and
the ancient head-quarters. I must confess that although I date this
communication from Pump-Handle Court, I am, as a matter of fact,
staying at Callerherring, a health resort greatly patronised by all
patients of that eminent doctor Sir PETER TWITWILLOW.
It is unnecessary to describe a place so well known to all lovers of
the picturesque. I may hint that the far-famed view of twelve Scotch,
Irish, and Welsh counties, and the Channel and the Atlantic Ocean,
can still be enjoyed by those who ascend Mount MacHaggis, and that the
_table-d'hote_ at the Royal Hibernian Hotel yet costs, with its seven
courses, five-and-sixpence. And now to perform my duty.
My son, GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT (he is christened after some
professional friends of mine, in the hope that at some distant date he
may be assisted by them in the characters of good fairy godfathers in
the profession to which it is hoped he may ornamentally belong), is
extremely partial to sweetstuff. He is a habitual glutton of a sticky
comestible known, I believe, in the confectionery trade as "Chicago
Honey Shells." This toothsome (I have his word for the appropriateness
of the epithet) edible he devours in large quantities, spending at
times as much as five shillings to secure an ample store of an article
of commerce generally bought in quantities estimated at the usually
convenient rate of "two ounces for three halfpence."
It was after a long gastronomic debauch connected with Chicago Honey
Shells that I noticed that GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT was suffering
from a swollen face. My son, although evidently in great pain,
declared that there was nothing the matter with him. However, as for
three successive days he took only two helpings of meat and refused
his pudding, I, in consultation with his mother, came to the
conclusion that it was necessary to seek the advice of a local medical
man. GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT raised objections to this course, but
they were overruled.
"No, Sir, the doctor is not in. He's out for the day."
Such was the answer to my question put twice at the doors of two
medical-looking houses with brass plates to match. On the second
occasion I expressed so much annoyance that the servant quite
sympathised with me.
"Perhaps Master SAMMY might do, Sir?" suggested the kind-hearted
janitor.
On finding that "Master SAMMY" was a nephew of the owner of the house
and a qualified medical man, I consented, and "Master SAMMY" was sent
for. There was some little delay in his appearance, as, although the
morning was fairly well advanced, he was not up. However, after making
a possibly hasty toilette, he soon appeared. No doubt he was much
older, but he looked about eighteen. He was very pleasant, and
listened to my history of the case. He seemed, so it appeared to me,
to recognise the Chicago Honey Shells as old acquaintances. It may
have been my fancy, but I think he smacked his lips when I suggested
that GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT had probably eaten five shillings'
worth at a sitting.
"You see," I said, "he has had a bad face ever since; and as our
dentist in town told us about a fortnight ago that sooner or later
he must have a tooth out, I think this must be the one to which he
referred. Won't you see?"
When, after some persuasion, GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT had been
induced to open his mouth, "Master SAMMY" did see.
"Yes," observed the budding doctor, after he had looked into my
lad's mouth as if it were a sort of curiosity from India that he was
regarding for the first time, "yes, I think it ought to come out."
And armed with this opinion I asked my medical friend if he knew any
one in Callerherring capable of performing the operation.
"Well, yes," he replied, after some consideration; "there's a nice
little dentist round the corner. He's called Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG."
Then "Master SAMMY" smiled, and I felt sure that he and "the nice
little dentist" must have quite recently been playing marbles
together. Next came the question of the fee. "Master SAMMY" was
disinclined to accept anything, evidently taking a low estimate of
the value of his professional services. However, he ultimately said
"Three-and-sixpence," and got the money. I would willingly have
increased it to a crown had I not feared that the moment my back was
turned "Master SAMMY" would have followed the example of GEORGE
LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT, and himself indulged in five shillings' worth of
Chicago Honey Shells.
Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG lived in a rather fine-looking house, ornamented
with an aged brass plate, suggesting that he had been established for
very many years. A buttons opened the door, and, on my inquiring as to
whether Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG was at home, promptly answered "Yes."
From the venerable appearance of the brass plate I had expected to
see a rather elderly dentist, with possibly white hair and certainly
spectacles; so I was rather taken aback when a dapper young fellow,
who seemed about the age of "Master SAMMY," entered the waiting-room.
The juvenile new-comer made himself master of the situation. He
seized upon the jaw of poor trembling GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT, and
declared that "it must come out."
"He'd better have gas," he observed. "But as I am full of engagements
this morning, you really must let me fix a time."
Then he took out a pocket-book which I could not help noticing
contained such items as "Soda-water--3_s._," "Washing--5_s._," and
"Church collection--6_d._," and placed our name and time amidst the
other entries.
We kept our appointment. The buttons was in a state of excitement. Mr.
LEO ARMSTRONG received us, and pointed to the gas apparatus with
an air of triumph, as if he had had some difficulty in getting it
entrusted to him in consequence of his youth. Then "Master SAMMY" made
his appearance. He was going to administer the gas. It was a pleasant
family party, and I felt quite parental. Had it not been for poor
GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT'S swollen face, I should have said to Mr.
LEO ARMSTRONG, "Master SAMMY," my boy, and the buttons, "Here, lads,
let us make a day of it. I will take you all to Madame TUSSAUD'S and
the Zoological Gardens."
"You have had the gas, haven't you?" said "Master SAMMY," who had been
fumbling with the apparatus. "How do you put it on?"
Poor GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT, under protest, described the _modus
operandi_. Then the mouth was opened, and "Master SAMMY" applied the
gas. I am sorry to say he performed the operation rather clumsily, and
my poor lad never "went off." GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT subsequently
described every detail of the performance, and said that he had
suffered excruciating pain. Then Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG went to work, and,
after several struggles, got out a bit of tooth, and then another.
Then GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT came to himself, and the usual
comforts were supplied to him.
"I think there's a bit of the tooth still in the gum," said Mr.
LEO ARMSTRONG; and then, after a pause, with the air of Jack Horner
pulling out a plum, he produced an immense pair of forceps from the
instrument drawer. "There." he added, triumphantly, as he exhibited
another piece of ivory, "I told you so!"
GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT had now sufficiently recovered to complain
bitterly of the pain he had suffered.
"Impossible," I observed; "remember this is _painless_ dentistry."
I had not intended the remark as a witticism, but rather as a solace
to the sufferer. Still, "Master SAMMY" and Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG accepted
it as first-class waggery, and indulged in roars of laughter. Then the
former took his departure. I found that I was indebted to the latter
to the extent of 15_s._ 6_d._ I don't know how my dentist had arrived
at the sum, but he said it with such determination that I could only
offer a sovereign and receive the change.
"I want my tooth," said GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT, who is of an
affectionate nature. "I want to give it to Mother."
Then Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG interposed. He desired to keep the tooth (in
several pieces) himself. I understood him to say that he regarded it
as a memorial of an initial victory--his first extraction.
"Dear me!" I exclaimed. "Why I thought you had been established at
least twenty years, Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG."
"Well, to tell the truth," was the reply, "I am not Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG.
He's away for the day, and I am taking his place!"
Then GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT and I bowed ourselves out. As I left
the premises I fancied I heard the click of marbles. No doubt "Master
SAMMY" and "Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG" had resumed the game our visit had
interrupted. I was relieved to find myself safe from a fall caused
perchance by one of their runaway hoops.
And now to perform my duty. I need scarcely say that it is to add my
recommendation to that of Sir PETER TWITWILLOW anent Callerherring.
You should not fail to visit the place, especially if you have a son
suffering from "a raging tooth," that "must come out."
(_Signed_)