MANNERS.
The word manners comes from the Latin _manus_, the hand, and literally
means the mode in which a thing is handled--behavior, deportment.
Manners may be defined as the pleasing or unpleasing expression of our
thoughts and intentions, whether in word or action. We may say or do a
thing in an agreeable or a disagreeable way. According as we choose
the one or the other, our manners may be said to be good or bad.
Good manners are the result of two things.--(_a_) Self-respect and
(_b_) consideration for the feelings of others. The man who respects
himself will be careful to say or do nothing that may seem to others
degrading or unworthy. The man who has consideration for the feelings
of others will be equally careful to do or say nothing that may give
them pain, or be offensive to them.
Good manners beautify character.--It was a celebrated saying of an old
bishop, William of Wykeham, "Manners maketh man." This is, however,
only partially true. Manners do not make a man any more than good
clothes make a man, but if he _is made_ they greatly improve him. Some
have been truly excellent who have had an uncouth and unpolished
address, but that was rather to their disadvantage than otherwise.
"Rough diamonds" are always precious, but a diamond that is cut and
polished, while it retains its value, is much more beautiful. Civility
of speech, politeness of address, courtesy in our dealings with others,
are qualities that adorn a man, whilst rudeness, incivility, roughness
in behavior, detract greatly from his value, and injure his usefulness.
Tennyson's words are true:
Manners are not idle, but the fruit
Of noble nature and of loyal mind.
Good manners tend greatly to success in life.--Coarseness and gruffness
lock doors, gentleness and refinement open them, while the rude,
boorish man is shunned by all. Take the case of a speaker addressing a
public meeting. What he says is weighty and important. His arguments
are powerful and well marshalled, but his speech is uncouth and
disagreeable. He says things that are coarse and vulgar. His bad
manner vastly takes away from the impression which he desires to make,
and which, if his manner had been different, he would have made.
Again, two young men serve in a place of business. The one is gentle
in his demeanor, meets his customers with a pleasant smile, is always
polite. The other is rough in his deportment, apparently does not care
whether those he deals with are pleased or not. The one is a favorite
with everybody; the other, who may be equally worthy as far as
character is concerned, is disliked.
Good manners often disarm opposition.--People may have a prejudice
against ourselves personally, or against the cause we represent. It is
wonderful, however, how much may be done to soften them by habitual
courtesy towards them, and by studiously avoiding anything calculated
to offend them or rouse their anger. A wise man will always endeavor
to be specially civil towards any one who differs from him. It is
related that in the early days of the Abolition movement in the United
States, two men went out preaching: one, a sage old Quaker, brave and
calm; the other, a fervid young man. When the Quaker lectured, the
audience were all attention, and his arguments met with very general
concurrence. But when it came to the young man's turn, a tumult
invariably ensued, and he was pelted off the platform. Surprised by
their different receptions, the young man asked the Quaker the reason.
"Friend," he said, "you and I are on the same mission; we preach the
same things; how is it that while _you_ are received so cordially, I
get nothing but abuse?" "I will tell thee," replied the Quaker; "thee
says, 'If you do so and so, you shall be punished,' and I say, 'My
friends, if you will _but_ do so and so, you shall not be punished.'
It is not what we say, but how we say it." [1] In _The Memorials of a
Quiet Life_ it is said of Augustus Hare that, on a road along which he
frequently passed, there was a workman employed in its repair who met
his gentle questions and observations with gruff answers and sour
looks. But as day after day the persevering mildness of his words and
manner still continued, the rugged features of the man gave way, and
his tone assumed a softer character. Politeness is the oiled key that
will open many a rusty lock.
Good manners may be summed up in the one word, Gentleman.--That term
implies all that good-manners ought to be. The original derivation of
the word is from the Latin _gentilis_, belonging to a tribe or _gens_;
and in its first signification it applies to those of noble descent or
family; but it has come to mean something far wider, and something
which every man, however humble, may be--a man of high courtesy and
refinement, to whom dishonor is hateful. "What is it," says Thackeray,
"to be a gentleman? It is to be honest, to be gentle, to be generous,
to be brave, to be wise, and, possessing all these qualities, to
exercise them in the most graceful outward manner." It was said of our
Lord by one of the early English poets, that he was
The first true gentleman that ever breathed.
To be a gentleman in all circumstances is the highest idea we can form
of good manners. It is what, in our intercourse with others, we should
strive to be--to have "high thoughts," as Sir Philip Sidney expresses
it, "seated in a heart of courtesy." In Bishop Patteson's life is
given the estimate of him, as a true gentleman, by a New Zealand
native: "Gentleman-gentleman thought nothing that ought to be done too
mean for him. Pig-gentleman never worked." The savage knew by
instinct that the good Bishop who came to live among them that he might
teach them to be better, who treated them with invariable courtesy and
consideration, was a true gentleman, though he had to clean his own
hut, to cook his own food, and to mend his own kettles. And he knew
also that the man who made others work for him without doing them any
good in return, who swore at them and abused them, was only a
pig-gentleman, however rich or high in station he might be.
A few advices on the subject of this chapter may be given.
1. _Cultivate a pleasing manner_.--Any one can be civil and polite if
he sets himself to be so. Some suppose that it is unworthy of a robust
character to be gentle in demeanor, that it indicates a certain amount
of effeminacy, and that strength and gruffness go together. We hear
men spoken of sometimes approvingly as "rough diamonds." But history
tells us that the noblest and strongest have been the most tender and
courteous. King Robert the Bruce was "brave as a lion, tender-hearted
as a woman." "Sir Walter Raleigh was every inch a man, a brave
soldier, a brilliant courtier, and yet a mirror of courtesy. Nobody
would accuse Sir Philip Sidney of having been deficient in manliness,
yet his fine manners were proverbial. It is the courtesy of Bayard,
the knight, _sans peur et sans reproche_, which has immortalized him
quite as much as his valor." [2] It is not beneath us to study good
manners. To a great extent they come naturally from refinement of
disposition and inborn delicacy of feeling. But they may also, to a
great extent, be learned and acquired. "Watch," it has wisely been
said, "those of excellent reputation in manners. Catch the temper of
the great masters of literature--the nobility of Scott, the sincerity
of Thackeray, the heartiness of Dickens, the tenderness of Macdonald,
the delicacy of Tennyson, the grace of Longfellow, the repose of
Shakespeare." It is well worth while for every young man beginning
life to form a true idea of what good manners are, and to make it his
constant effort to acquire them.
2. _Avoid eccentricity_.--Eccentricity is the deliberate endeavor to
make ourselves different from those around us. (_a_) Some show it in
their dress by wearing garments often of outrageous shape and hue.
(_b_) Some show it in their speech by striving to say things that they
think especially smart. (_c_) Some show it in their actions by
striking forced attitudes, and putting themselves in grotesque
positions. It all springs from love of notoriety and desire to be
thought different from their neighbors. It is the mark, as a rule, of
fops and fools, and an indication of weakness of character. It is
fundamentally inconsistent with good manners. Johnson was called _ursa
major_, or big bear, from the gruffness of his manner. This was
probably natural to him, but many affect a similar manner from a desire
to be eccentric. The "big bears" of society are odious. Johnson's own
words are applicable to such: "A man has no more right to say an
uncivil thing than to act one--no more right to say a rude thing to
another than to knock him down." Those also who are ever trying to say
things which they think smart, but which are often impudent, and meant
to give annoyance, ought to receive no countenance. "Sir," said one
such person in his Irish brogue to Dean Swift, "I _sit_ (set) up for
being a wit." "Then, sir," said the Dean, "I advise you to sit down."
Similar people should be treated in the same way.
3. _Try to conquer shyness_.--This is constitutional with some, but
even when this is the case it can be overcome by taking pains. The shy
man is often awkward in manner; and, what is worse, he often gives the
impression to others of being rude, when he has no intention to be so.
There are those who, in their own family and among their own friends,
are known to be warm-hearted, kind and gentle, but who, from this
defect of which we speak, have a reputation far from enviable. Any
young man who is afflicted with it should set himself resolutely to get
the better of it.
4. _We should be especially courteous to those below us in
station_.--To servants in our house, to those in our employ, to the
poor, we should be marked in our civility. "It is the very essence of
gentlemanhood that one is polite to the weak, the poor, the friendless,
the humble, the miserable, the degraded." The conduct of our Lord to
such is ever worthy of our imitation. Indeed, as it has been well
remarked, the character of men and women is perhaps better known "by
the treatment of those below them than by anything else; for to them
they rarely play the hypocrite." The man who is a bully and abusive to
those weaker or less fortunate than himself, is at heart a poor
creature; though, in company of his equals, he may be affable and
polished enough. For example, Kingsley mentions regarding Sir Sydney
Smith that "the love he won was because, without any conscious
intention, he treated rich and poor, his own servants, and the
noblemen, his guests, alike courteously, cheerfully, considerately,
affectionately, bearing a blessing and reaping a blessing wherever he
was." When a celebrated man returned the salute of a negro, he was
reminded that he had done what was very unfashionable. "Perhaps so,"
he replied, "but I would not be outdone in good manners by a negro."
"Good words," says holy George Herbert, "are worth much, and cost
little." The same may be said of good manners.
[1] _The Secret of Success_.
[2] _Plain Living and High Thinking_.