FRIENDS.
By friends we mean those whom we admit to the inner circle of our
acquaintance.--All of us know many people. We are bound to do so; to
meet with men of all classes, sects, beliefs, opinions. But with most
of us there are a few persons who stand to us in a different relation
from the rest. We are intimate with them. We take pleasure in their
company; we tell them our thoughts: we speak to them of things we would
not speak of to others; we confide in them, and in joy and in sorrow it
is to them we go. It is of this inner circle, and of those we ought to
admit to it, that we have now to speak.
Friendship has been regarded in all ages as one of the most important
relationships of life.--Cicero, who dedicates an essay to it says that
"it is the only thing on the importance of which mankind are agreed."
It has been defined by Addison, the great English writer, as "a strong
habitual inclination in two persons to promote the good and happiness
of each other." It has been termed by another "the golden thread that
ties the hearts of the world." "A faithful friend" has been called
"the medicine of life." Ambrose, one of the Christian Fathers, says,
"It is the solace of this life to have one to whom you can open your
heart, and tell your secrets; to win to yourself a faithful man, who
will rejoice with you in sunshine, and weep in showers. It is easy and
common to say, 'I am wholly thine,' but to find it true is as rare."
And Jeremy Taylor, the great preacher, calls friendship "the ease of
our passions, the discharge of our oppressions, the sanctuary to our
calamities, the counsellor of our doubts, the charity of our minds, the
emission of our thoughts, the exercise and improvement of what we
meditate." The great preachers, philosophers and poets of all time
have dwelt on the importance and sweetness of friendship. The _In
Memoriam_ of Tennyson is a glorification of this relationship.
The highest of all examples of friendship is to be found in
Christ.--"His behaviour in this beautiful relationship is the very
mirror in which all true friendship must see and mirror itself." [1]
In His life we see the blessings of companionship in good. "He loved
Martha, and her sister, and Lazarus." He had intimate friends in His
group of disciples. Peter and James and John stood to Him in this
relation. They were taken by Him into scenes which the rest of the
disciples did not behold. They knew a friendship with Him unenjoyed by
the others. And of that inner circle there was one to whom the soul of
Jesus clung with peculiar tenderness--the beloved disciple. Human
friendship has been consecrated for us all by this example of Christ.
He offers himself to every one of us as a _friend_: "Ye are my friends
if ye do whatsoever I command you."
There are two things which specially show the importance of friendship:
(_a_) It is regarded by others _as a test of our character_. The worth
of a man will always be rated by his companions. The proverbs of all
nations show this. "A man is known by the company he keeps." "Like
draws to like." "Birds of a feather flock together." If our
companions are worthless, the verdict of society regarding us will be
that we are worthless ourselves. This verdict may not in all cases be
true, but the probability is that it will be true. If we are admitted
to the friendship of men of honor, integrity and principle, people will
come to believe in us. We would not, they will feel, be admitted into
that society unless we were in sympathy with those who compose it. If
we wish, therefore, that a good opinion should be formed regarding us
by others, we need to be especially careful as to those with whom we
associate closely and whom we admit to intimate friendship.
(_b_) Friends have a special power in _moulding our character_. George
Herbert's saying is true, "Keep good company, and you shall be of their
number." It is difficult, on the other hand, to be much with the silly
and foolish without being silly and foolish also. It is the common
explanation of a young man's ruin that he got among bad companions. We
may go into a certain society confident that we will hold our own, and
that we can come out of it as we go in; but, as a general rule, we will
find ourselves mistaken. The man of the strongest individuality comes
sooner or later to be affected by those with whom he is intimate.
There is a subtle influence from them telling upon him that he cannot
resist. He will inevitably be moulded by it. Here also the proverbs
of the world point the lesson. "He who goes with the lame," says the
Latin proverb, "will begin to limp." "He who herds with the wolves,"
says the Spanish, "will learn to howl." "Iron sharpeneth iron," says
the scriptural proverb, "so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his
friend." The rapidity of moral deterioration in an evil companionship
is its most startling feature. It is appalling to see how soon an evil
companionship will transform a young man, morally pure, of clean and
wholesome life, into an unclean, befouled, trifling good-for-nothing.
Lightning scarcely does its work of destruction quicker, or with more
fell purpose.
It is difficult to give precise rules in regard to the formation of
friendship. "A man that hath friends," says Solomon, "must show
himself friendly." The man of a generous and sympathetic nature will
have many friends, and will attract to himself companions of his own
character. A few suggestions, however, founded on practical
experience, may be offered for our guidance.
I. We should be (_a_) slow to make friendships, and (_b_) slow to
break them when made.--(_a_) It is in the nature of some to take up
with people very readily. Some young men are like fish that rise
readily to a gaudy and many-colored fly. If they see anything that
attracts them in another they admit him at once to their confidence.
It should not be so. Among the reported and traditional sayings of
Christ, there is one that is full of wisdom: "Be good money changers."
As a money changer rings the coin on his counter to test it, so we
should test men well before we make them our friends. There should be
a narrow wicket leading into the inner circle of our social life at
which we should make them stand for examination before they are
admitted. An old proverb says, "Before you make a friend, eat a peck
of salt with him." We should try before we trust; and as we should be
careful whom we receive, we should be equally careful whom we part
with. "Thine own friend, and thy father's friend, forsake not." With
some, very little severs the bond of friendship. They are always
changing their companions. They are "Hail fellow, well met," with one
to-day, and cold and distant to-morrow. Inconstancy in friendship is a
bad sign. It generally arises from readiness to admit to intimacy
without sufficient examination. The friendship that is quickly
cemented is easily dissolved. Fidelity is the very essence of true
friendship; and, once broken, it cannot be easily renewed. Quarrels
between friends are the bitterest and the most lasting. Broken
friendship may be soldered, but never made sound.
Alas! they had been friends in youth,
But whispering tongues can poison truth.
* * * *
They parted, ne'er to meet again,
But never either found another
To free the hollow heart from paining.
They stood aloof, the scars remaining,
Like cliffs which had been rent asunder;
A dreary sea now flows between.
COLERIDGE.
Shakespeare gives this rule for friendship in his own wonderful way.
It could not be better stated--
The friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hooks of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatched, unfledged comrade.
II. We should refuse friendship with those whose standard of right is
below our own.--Anything in a man or woman that indicates low moral
tone, or want of principle, should debar them at once from our
friendship. It is not easy to say in so many words what want of
principle is, but we all know what is meant by it. It corresponds to a
constitutional defect in the physical system. A person may have
ailments, but that is different from a weak and broken constitution.
So a person may have faults and failings, but a want of principle is
more serious. It is a radical defect which should prevent friendship.
A small thing often shows us whether a person wants principle. The
single claw of a bird of prey tells us its nature. According to the
familiar saying, "We don't need to eat a leg of mutton to know whether
it is tainted; a mouthful is sufficient." So a single expression may
tell us whether there is a want of moral principle. A word showing us
that a person thinks lightly of honesty, of purity in man, of virtue in
woman, should be sufficient to make us keep him at a distance. We may
be civil to him, try to do him good, and lead him to better things, but
he is not one to make our friend. Cowper the poet says:
I would not enter on my list of friends,
Though graced with polished manners and fine sense,
Yet wanting sensibility, the man
Who needlessly sets foot upon a worm.
We may think it a small thing to set the foot upon a worm, but to do so
needlessly and wantonly indicates a hard and cruel nature, and a man
with such a nature is not a safe friend.
III. There should be equality in friendship.--Equality of station, of
circumstances, of position. It does not do to lay down a hard and fast
line as to this. For instance, in a "young men's guild" men of all
stations and social conditions meet on an equality. They are a
brotherhood bound together by ties of a very close description. To
them this rule does not apply. Among members of such an association, a
young man may always fitly find a friend. It is friendships formed
outside such a circle, and in general society, that we have in view;
and, in regard to such society, we are probably not far wrong in saying
that we do well to choose our intimate friends from those who are
neither much above us nor beneath us. If a man is poor, and chooses as
a friend one who is rich, the chances are either that he becomes a
toady and a mere "hanger-on," or that he is made to feel his
inferiority. Young men in this way have been led into expenses which
they could not afford, and into society that did them harm, and into
debts sometimes that they could not pay. Making friends of those
beneath us is often equally a mistake. We come to look upon them with
patronizing affability. "It is well enough to talk of our humble
friends, but they are too often like poor relations. We accept their
services, and think that a mere 'thank you,' a nod, a beck, or a smile
is sufficient recompense." [2] Either to become a toady or a patron is
destructive of true friendship. We should be able to meet on the same
platform, and join hands as brothers, having the same feelings, the
same wants, the same aspirations. We should be courteous to the man
above us, and civil to the man beneath us; but if we value our
independence and manhood we will not try to make a friend of either.
IV. We should not make a friend of one who is without reverence for
what we deem sacred and have been taught to deem sacred.--The want of
"reverence for that which is above us" is one of the most serious
defects in man or woman. We should be as slow to admit one to our
friendship who has this defect as we would be if we knew he had entered
into a church and stolen the vessels of the sanctuary. We should
consort only with those who honor the sacred name we bear, and treat it
with reverence. We should especially beware of admitting to intimacy
the sceptic and infidel. There are those who have drifted away from
the faith of Christ, and to whom God and eternity are mere names. Such
are deserving of our most profound pity and sorrow, and we should do
all in our power to lead them back to the Father's house from which
they have wandered. But we should never make them our friends. We
cannot dwell in an ill-ventilated and ill-drained house without running
the risk of having our own constitution lowered. We cannot associate
in close companionship with the infidel and the sceptic without
endangering our own spiritual life. Doubt is as catching as disease.
"Take my word for it," said the great Sir Robert Peel, who was a close
observer of men, "it is not prudent, as a rule, to trust yourself to
any man who tells you he does not believe in God, and in a future life
after death." We should choose our friends from those who have chosen
the better part, and day by day we shall feel the benefit of their
companionship in making us stronger and better.
These are some plain rules drawn from long experience of life which may
be helpful to some. We may conclude by quoting the noble lines of
Tennyson in which he draws the picture of his friend, Arthur Hallam,
and the inspiration he drew from him:
Thy converse drew us with delight,
The men of rathe and riper years:
The feeble soul, a haunt of fears,
Forgot his weakness in thy sight.
On thee the loyal-hearted hung,
The proud was half disarm'd of pride,
Nor cared the serpent at thy side
To flicker with his double tongue.
The stern were mild when thou wert by,
The flippant put himself to school
And heard thee, and the brazen fool
Was soften'd, and he knew not why;
While I, thy nearest, sat apart,
And felt thy triumph was as mine;
And loved them more, that they were thine,
The graceful tact, the Christian art;
Nor mine the sweetness or the skill,
But mine the love that will not tire,
And, born of love, the vague desire
That spurs an imitative will.
TENNYSON.
Happy are those whose friends in some degree approach the character
here delineated.
[1] Stalker's _Imago Christi_.
[2] Hain Friswell, _The Gentle Life_.